My teenage son

[gail715]

Hi, I am here to ask for some advice. I am a 31 year old single mom. My son just turned 13 in October. His father and I divorced when he was 6. We tried to start over and work things out when my son was 8, but of course, if it didnt work out the first time why did I think that a second chance would be different. The second time that my sons father and I tried to work things out he was worse than he ever was before. He was sneaking around with the girl who caused me to end our marriage, he was doing drugs, and staying drunk. I finally told him that I couldnt do it, I had to leave. He then pushed my head through a glass door while my son was in he room, he threw a chair into the kitchen breaking some things that were sitting out, then grabbed my son and started smacking his butt and legs because he was crying. We went to court and because this man couldnt pass a drug test and had done some pretty bad things, the judge gave me sole custody of my son. His father was given supervised visitation (his mother was appointed the supervisor of his visitations) and only to see him every other weekend. The weekends that my son was up there his grandmother allowed him to go and stay the nights with his father and she would pick him up on Sunday evenings when it was time to bring him home. One Saturday when he was visiting with his father I was driving down a road pretty close to where his father lives and I saw my son (at 10 years old) walking down a main road with a backpack on and carrying his hampster cage. I immediately stopped the car and ran to him. I try to stay strong in front of my son but this time I couldnt hold back the tears. I was so angry and hurting because I couldnt understand why his father would (could) do something like this. My son told me that his dad and his girlfriend wanted to do drugs and party with their friends and so his dad pushed him into a wall and told him to get his a$$ out of his house. I then decided until we went to court I would not allow him to see him. Then, the beginning of this summer his fathers girlfriend left him for another man (surprised right?) and called wanting to see his son promising that things were going to be different. I explained to him that this is a childs life, that he couldnt just come and go when it is convenient for him, and I would not tolerate my son being mistreated and seeing the drugs going on. He agreed to get help and his mother agreed that she would be present this time during all the visitations. I told them that I would leave it up to my son if he wanted to go around. The father is 28,000 dollars behind in childsupport and says that if he doesnt see his son then he will not pay but he doesnt understand that it is hurting him a whole lot more than it is hurting me because he now has another felony against him.

My son decided to go up there in June 2010, for the last time to visit them. He came home and said that he never wanted to go back because his father put his hands on him again and the grandmother allowed it. His father and grandmother started calling non-stop, sending me e-mails, and leaving nasty message on our facebook wall. I told them that when and if my son ever wanted to come back around them then it would be his decision and he would contact them. I then had my phone number changed and blocked them from our facebook. I never talk bad about them to my son, and i always listen to what he has to say. He told me that he hates his dad and never wants to see any of them ever again.

My questions here are: the holidays are coming up, what if they come to our house wanting my son? Should I feel guilt over this? Does this make me a bad mother because I dont push him to see his father and grand- parents? Will or Can I get in any trouble through the court system for him not seeing him and being required to pay child-support? Is this going to play a difficult part of raising a teenager?

Like any mother I want what is best for my son, and truthfully his father is NO ROLE MODEL for him. I love this child with all of my heart and I do my best. I am a proud mom and I want what is best for my son, but Im curious AM I really doing what is best for him?

[quankanne]

why are you allowing a family member to play supervisory role with the visits between your son and his father? There are places that are safe sites where kids can visit the parent under non-partisan supervision, where you just drop the kid off for the "appointment" with the parent, and then you pick up the child. Your son wouldn't be stuck in a questionable situation by being in his father's or grandmother's home but would get to see them. Really, it's the best thing you can do, rather than take on the burden of trying to do it "right" for the child by allowing him or her to go someplace unsafe.

[karaann07]

It is ALWAYS ok to keep your child safe. Clearly, keeping him away from his father and grandmother is what is keeping him safe. On a personal note, my father wanted nothing to do with me (they divorced when I was 3), but my mother was so amazing, I never even knew that until I was about 13 and I started asking questions about why he never called me, etc. etc. When I was old enough to ask questions, my mother answered them honestly. She NEVER badmouthed him during my childhood. NOT ONCE. But as I got older, I saw for myself that he didn't care about me, and at age 14, I told my mom I didn't want to see him anymore when he came to town, etc., and she respected that. I am always going to be grateful to her for that. Your son gets ABUSED when he's with his father. If he tells you he doesn't ever want to see him again, and you let this man into his life in ANY capacity that your son is not 100% comfortable with, how will your son ever trust you?

[gail715]

I also was a child without my father around, I was 8 years old when I saw him for the first time. I was hurt and felt like it was something that I did wrong as to why he wasnt around. I didnt have my mother or my father, I was raised by my grandparents.

When I went to court, the judge was the one who appointed his grandmother as the supervisor of the visitations. I talked to my attorney two days ago and he told me that I now have to file a motion of suspension to have her taken off the court papers as his supervisor.

I dont want my son to go up there and be a part of their messed up lives. I thank you all so much for the replies. I just dont want to see my son hurt or have him grow up with regrets.

I have been told about the places where I can take him to meet and visit with his father but he doesnt want to do that, he tells me that he doesnt want to see him at all. I am just very confused and hurt as to why or how a father and granparent can do this to an innocent child. He hasnt seen that side of the family in almost 6 months and we are going to keep it that way. Thanks again!!!

[SlevinKalebra]

I'm sorry you and your son are going through this. First, thing file an emergency order through the court. You can do it yourself by typing "18th judicial court (name of state you live in)" into your browser. go to "forms" fill out a request for order of no contact or civil protection order. there is no cost to file this. Hopefully you have some documentation of the harrassment that you have been receiving. Report any and all subsequent harrassment.

Do not answer the door if they come to your house call the police immediately.

If it goes to court you can agree to waive all owed child support (realistically you won't ever see a dime of it anyway) in exchange for him relinquishing all parental rights. At that point you are the sole custodian of your son and they become nothing more than any other stranger on the street and have no legal recourse.

this is the easiest and most cost effective route. You could also go through a CFI to establish them as detrimental to your son's mental and emotional well being. It seems (based on your account of him and his family) like it would be an open and shut case, but unfortunately it most likely would not be. The courts have gotten rid of common sense and replaced it with beurocracy and fantasies of how they can repair the most damaged relationships and soon everyone will hold hands and sing kumbeyah over a delicious meal (speaking from personal and bitter experience here).

 

Wish the best for you and your son

[Citigirl90008]

Our job (as moms) is to maintain the balance in our housefold, protect our sanity and safguard the well-being of our children- even from their own father. Don't feel guilty. Your son already knows his dad has issues, but it is up to you to stand up to the other adult. This doesn't mean he will never see his dad again, but it will mean that his father will have to change his behavior (if only for an occasional sober visit) or get lost. His father can screw up his life on a daily basis, but not on your time and not with your son. Tell him plainly (if he bothers to ask) that he cannot take him for a visit and tell him why. This is not a matter of being hurtful but rather being straight forward and doing what is in the best interest of your son. You are your son's advocate.

[goingstrong]

How tragic, I feel for your son. Being the father of 13yr old boy myself, I can see where your concern is coming from.

 

First things first, you're a doing a fantastic job of being a mother by looking out for what is best for him..... The fact that you seeking advice here says a lot. Do not feel guilty for anything so far....there will be plenty of time for that later, when like most teenagers, he figures out how to make you feel guilty later.

 

Based on the father's past behavior, I would say no to any type of visitation at this point, unless your son approves it. Let your son feel like he has control in the situation and support his decision, while you point out the pros and cons. This will give him a chance to feel like he has some type of say. Now I would say this has to have limits to it...ie his grandma talks him into taking off for the weekend with them, but I would definitely consider his opinion(son).

[jimrich]

re: AM I really doing what is best for him?

..If your story is true, seems to me that you are a better role model than his abusive, drugged dad.

I'm sure your son can see the difference between his parents and what you are doing for him.