Would you date someone if you found out they have genital herpes?

[Mad Max]

It's funny how people would dump someone for not disclosing the fact that they have herpes on their genitals, but none of us ever think to ask a partner if they have herpes on their face. I've had more than one boyfriend who never told me they had facial herpes, until one day they developed a mouth sore and said "Uhh, you can't kiss me for a while".

 

To those who have facial herpes: do you go around telling every new partner before you kiss them or go down on them? If you expect someone to tell you if they have herpes on their genitals before you have contact with them, shouldn't you be equally obliged to tell them if you have herpes on your face before kissing or otherwise making contact?

 

 

Don't 80-90% have type 1? That's damn near everyone. The rate for type 2 is 1/4 or 1/5 depending on who you ask. You have to assume that everyone has type 1.

[Eeyore79]

Don't 80-90% have type 1? That's damn near everyone. The rate for type 2 is 1/4 or 1/5 depending on who you ask. You have to assume that everyone has type 1.

 

So what difference does it make if you have type 1 on your face or type 1 on your genitals? If you have type 1 on your face, you can transfer it to your partner's genitals anyway. So surely someone who wants to avoid herpes should avoid dating anyone who has it on either their mouth or their genitals, which would mean avoiding pretty much everyone?

[Mad Max]

So what difference does it make if you have type 1 on your face or type 1 on your genitals? If you have type 1 on your face, you can transfer it to your partner's genitals anyway. So surely someone who wants to avoid herpes should avoid dating anyone who has it on either their mouth or their genitals, which would mean avoiding pretty much everyone?

 

 

There's a reason almost everyone has type 1 and 1/4 at best have it on the genitals. Oral isn't painful, genital is. If forced to choose one, I'm sure most would take oral over genital since oral isn't the least bit painful.

[xpaperxcutx]

So what difference does it make if you have type 1 on your face or type 1 on your genitals? If you have type 1 on your face, you can transfer it to your partner's genitals anyway. So surely someone who wants to avoid herpes should avoid dating anyone who has it on either their mouth or their genitals, which would mean avoiding pretty much everyone?

 

Don't you spread the virus only when there's an outbreak?

 

I think looking from the OP's view it's not so much that he has herpes but that he hadn't told her directly about it. I would feel really betrayed.

[Star Gazer]

Herpes 1 doesn't count.

 

Tell that to a dude who has HSV 1 on his junk.

[Eeyore79]

There's a reason almost everyone has type 1 and 1/4 at best have it on the genitals. Oral isn't painful, genital is. If forced to choose one, I'm sure most would take oral over genital since oral isn't the least bit painful.

The reason more people have oral than genital is simply because herpes is more easily transmitted orally. Orally it's transmitted by kissing, touching, sharing drinks or straws, using dirty forks or glasses, etc... genitally it's only transmitted by sexual contact. I'm sure everyone has shared a straw with more people than they've had sex with!

 

Oral herpes can be very painful, and genital herpes isn't necessarily any more painful than oral. It all depends on how well your immune system handles the virus. I once knew a woman who had extremely painful oral herpes outbreaks; her whole face and throat would swell up.

[Star Gazer]

Don't you spread the virus only when there's an outbreak? .

 

Wrong, wrong, wrong. You absolutely can. Think about it. Genital herpes is apparently painful. How many people do you think are going around having sex while they have painful sores in their genitals?

 

You know I love you, Paper... But you and the majority of LS really need to educate yourself about herpes. It can and most often is transmitted when there is no outbreak, during the "shedding" phase when there are no sores or even symptoms. Condoms only protect a portion of the genital area. As such, you should always assume you're at risk for herpes every time you have sex, and choose your partners accordingly ("Are they worth that risk to me?").

[Eeyore79]

Don't you spread the virus only when there's an outbreak?

 

I think looking from the OP's view it's not so much that he has herpes but that he hadn't told her directly about it. I would feel really betrayed.

 

Nope, you can spread the virus at any time, it's just more likely when there's an outbreak.

 

I'm guessing he hasn't told her about it because he was worried she'd freak out; he probably wants to give her a chance to get to know him so she's less likely to run away when he confesses. I don't see how you could feel betrayed if you hadn't even had sexual contact with the guy. I'd feel more betrayed if a facial herpes carrier kissed me without telling me they were infected.

[Eeyore79]

It can and most often is transmitted when there is no outbreak, during the "shedding" phase when there are no sores or even symptoms. Condoms only protect a portion of the genital area. As such, you should always assume you're at risk for herpes every time you have sex, and choose your partners accordingly ("Are they worth that risk to me?").

 

So the same must obviously be true of kissing - you're at risk of herpes every time you kiss someone. Probably more at risk than you are when having sex actually, since more people have herpes on their faces than on their genitals.

[Art_Critic]

Don't let anyone tell you what you're supposed to thing on this subject. Do your research and make an informed decision based on your relationship with this person. There are way too many factors that only you are aware of that make this an impossible question to answer over the internet.

 

I will say that I agree with those that said that if he doesn't disclose it and still tries to have sex with you, then dump him. That shows that he cares about you and your well being approximately 0 percent...

 

This........

[pandagirl]

Ohh, ye olde herpes debate.

 

I have it. Yeah, it's not something you WANT, but after dealing with it for almost 10 years, I often times I forget I have it.

 

I've always been forthcoming to whomever I'm dating about it, and not one person has had a problem with it.

 

Just educate yourselves. The thing is, if you meet someone and really like them, are you going to let herpes stop you from getting to know them?

[xpaperxcutx]

Nope, you can spread the virus at any time, it's just more likely when there's an outbreak.

 

I'm guessing he hasn't told her about it because he was worried she'd freak out; he probably wants to give her a chance to get to know him so she's less likely to run away when he confesses. I don't see how you could feel betrayed if you hadn't even had sexual contact with the guy. I'd feel more betrayed if a facial herpes carrier kissed me without telling me they were infected.

 

Okay, maybe not betrayed, but I suspect she had high hopes of developing a relationship with this guy.

 

Still, I think she's shocked and taken aback.

[daphne]

It's a dealbreaker for me. I understand that it's fairly common, but so is promiscuity these days and I don't practice that.

 

I would prefer to date someone who has been a bit more careful.

[Star Gazer]

It's a dealbreaker for me. I understand that it's fairly common, but so is promiscuity these days and I don't practice that.

 

I would prefer to date someone who has been a bit more careful.

 

You're equating herpes with promiscuity? Really?? Wow.

 

Yeah, and only gay men have HIV.

[xpaperxcutx]

Ohh, ye olde herpes debate.

 

I have it. Yeah, it's not something you WANT, but after dealing with it for almost 10 years, I often times I forget I have it.

 

I've always been forthcoming to whomever I'm dating about it, and not one person has had a problem with it.

 

Just educate yourselves. The thing is, if you meet someone and really like them, are you going to let herpes stop you from getting to know them?

 

PG, I followed your past threads, I am aware when you date you never withhold that you have herpes. There's a difference between being completely honest and omitting the fact. Why did this guy chose to tell not her? That's something to be wary about.

[Star Gazer]

So the same must obviously be true of kissing - you're at risk of herpes every time you kiss someone. Probably more at risk than you are when having sex actually, since more people have herpes on their faces than on their genitals.

 

Yes. You're also at substantial risk of getting herpes on your genitals if you allow someone to perform oral sex on you... Even more so than having intercourse.

[Knittress]

Why did this guy chose to tell not her? That's something to be wary about.

 

Agreed. But they haven't even gotten intimate yet. What's the guy supposed to do, walk up and say "Hi, I herpes. You may now know me as Herpes Guy. Oh, can I have your number?"

[pandagirl]

I don't know how long she's been dating this guy? Did she say?

[xpaperxcutx]

Agreed. But they haven't even gotten intimate yet. What's the guy supposed to do, walk up and say "Hi, I herpes. You may now know me as Herpes Guy. Oh, can I have your number?"

 

Well not that direct. But I guess by the 2nd and 3rd date around, he would have sat her down and calmly explained his situation-

 

" ____, I know we're only getting to know each other but I feel like I owe you an explanation, in case we ever decided to have sex together in the future. I have herpies...."

 

 

That would have been more appropriate than slipping the word herpes in when they're making out and getting hot and heavy.

[irc333]

Well, good thing it's just HSV 1, it's the HSV 2 that's the big deal.

 

I mean, come on, it's just a cold sore.

 

 

Tell that to a dude who has HSV 1 on his junk.

[Star Gazer]

Well, good thing it's just HSV 1, it's the HSV 2 that's the big deal.

 

I mean, come on, it's just a cold sore.

 

You're joking, right?? If you have an open sore on your d*ck, do you honestly think it matters if that sore is HSV 1 or 2?

 

You do realize that you can have HSV 1 down below, right?? And that a positive test for HSV 1 doesn't prove that you don't have it down below, right??

[Aflac2010]

This has recently happened to me. We did not become intimate yet, but I found out about this through a Facebook chat I found on his computer.

He has yet to disclose this to me.

 

has anyone else ever faced this? What did you do?

I'm so confused...

 

Hell No!! You have to ask? I know you may be close with this person and care about them alot, but is it worth the risk of having a painful std like herpes for the rest of your life? Then it's gonna make it hard for you to date anybody else. It's also concerning that he hasn't told you yet and you had to find out like that. I know a few ppl with herpes and they have this problem. It's hard for them to find partners and one of them is often bitter and settles for women who are less attractive than what he would date.

[Pleco]

There's a reason almost everyone has type 1 and 1/4 at best have it on the genitals. Oral isn't painful, genital is. If forced to choose one, I'm sure most would take oral over genital since oral isn't the least bit painful.

You should go back and read my first post in this thread.

 

There is NO WAY to know how many people have genital herpes. There is no test that will determine where the virus is on a person's body, unless they go in when they have active breakouts.

 

25% of people have type 2, and between 80 and 100% of people have type 1. This says NOTHING about where the virus is located. If someone goes in for a blood test, and they test positive for type 1, they will assume it is on their mouth because that is where this virus typically lives. But that is not always the case.

 

So in reality the occurrence of genital herpes is much higher than just the 25% who have type two. Making sense yet?

 

Also: The virus that you have sheds asymptomatically. I've NEVER kissed someone with an active oral sore, but I have type one orally. You can very easily give your partner oral and genital herpes. In fact, if you get married and are with the same partner for years, then chances of you transmitting genital herpes to her are at least moderate.

 

You seriously need to educate yourself.

 

Edited to ad:

You also have no room to talk about how painful either virus is, since you don't have both. Genital herpes is usually only painful if the person has a compromised immune system (such as AIDS). Normally, type 2 isn't very painful at all. No more so than type one, anyway. But YMMV as always.

[Citizen Erased]

No, I would not.

[Pleco]

There's a reason almost everyone has type 1 and 1/4 at best have it on the genitals. Oral isn't painful, genital is. If forced to choose one, I'm sure most would take oral over genital since oral isn't the least bit painful.

Just repeating this one more time...but it is IMPOSSIBLE to say how prevalent genital herpes is. The statistics you are brandishing are for Type 2, not for genital herpes. The two types are not exclusive to their location of "preference." I can explain this another way if you don't get it.

 

You can get genital herpes from almost ANYONE, regardless of whether they have it or not. And Mad Max, all of your partners are at risk of getting genital herpes from you, whether you want to admit it or not, whether you abstain during breakouts or not. You, and most other people who remain uneducated about this "terrible STD" are being extremely hypocritical.

 

It's not really your fault though. Sex education in the US is pretty dismal (assuming that's where you're from).