Would you date someone if you found out they have genital herpes?

[Pleco]

Okay, with that new drug that's out....where it starts off the woman saying, "I have genital herpes"

 

And her boyfriend says, "And I don't"

 

And they advertise the drug that allows people to have sex with easier or something without getting it.

 

Would it be a deal breaker if they used that drug?

People with Herpes can take valtrex or acyclovir to prevent spreading. If a woman is infected and her male partner is not, she can take valtrex and reduce the rate of transmission down to 2% even if they don't use a condom. That means that after an entire year of having regular sex (multiple times a week) the man will have a 2% chance of getting it. Throw a condom into the mix and the rate of infection is lowered to less than one percent.

 

Pretty good odds, if the love of your life happens to have virus nearly as common and much less annoying than a cold, which happens to have a bad social stigma attached to it perpetrated by the ignorant.

 

/rant. lol

[Pencil]

We were friends for a long, long time and in the last couple of weeks things became romantic. The thing is I really thought we were friends and that he'd at least trust me enough to disclose this earlier.

He didn't and that's what's making me question everything else...

[Art_Critic]

Gosh.. with all these pro herpes posts and opinions out there it seems I've been missing something by not having this sexually transmitted disease.

 

I don't have it but I think I need to get it. give it to my wife and kid too since they are missing out on it too..

 

Why can't people respect other peoples opinions.. if someone doesn't want to risk contracting herpes then so be it, they have that right..

They also have the right to date someone who does have it.

 

I honestly have never been in the position that the OP is asking about but I do know that I don't want an STD and would have to educate myself at that time as to the risks so that if I was putting myself at risk that I at least know what the odds are.

There are many variables that could affect a decision such as that.. like if they are actively using meds...

[Pleco]

Gosh.. with all these pro herpes posts and opinions out there it seems I've been missing something by not having this sexually transmitted disease.

 

I don't have it but I think I need to get it. give it to my wife and kid too since they are missing out on it too..

 

Why can't people respect other peoples opinions.. if someone doesn't want to risk contracting herpes then so be it, they have that right..

They also have the right to date someone who does have it.

I'm not pro herpes. I'm just trying to dispel the myths and wrong information that are so prevalent about this particular virus. I didn't realize that in doing so I was encouraging you to give it to your kid.

 

If someone doesn't want to risk contracting genital herpes, then they will have to choose from the <20% of the population that doesn't have either virus. Those are the FACTS. I'm actually helping people to avoid the disease, see? lol

 

I respect other people's opinions entirely. But most of what is one this thread is not opinion, it is simply wrong.

[Pleco]

We were friends for a long, long time and in the last couple of weeks things became romantic. The thing is I really thought we were friends and that he'd at least trust me enough to disclose this earlier.

He didn't and that's what's making me question everything else...

It's only been a few weeks. Most people with GHSV do not disclose to friends, no matter how close. They only disclose when they believe that a relationship will turn sexual. Give him some time. If it gets to the point of being sexual and he has not disclosed, then dump him without looking back. Although the virus is overly stigmatized for what it is, he should most certainly have the decency to give you the choice.

 

But like I said, it's only been a few weeks. He might be making sure that what you two have could actually be serious...that you're worth the risk of "coming out" to, so to speak.

[Art_Critic]

If someone doesn't want to risk contracting genital herpes, then they will have to choose from the <20% of the population that doesn't have either virus. Those are the FACTS. I'm actually helping people to avoid the disease, see? lol

 

If those are the facts then you are helping by spreading misleading info then.. misleading in the fact that you are trying to say that a person can date the whole population to begin with.

 

A person cannot date the entire population, most of the population is already undateable for other reasons...

Married people, people in relationships.. people not dating for other reasons.. virgins... etc.. etc...

 

What percentage of single available, dateable people have herpes ?.. that would be a more proper statistic to further the exact argument you just posed about a reduced dating pool because of herpes if a person chooses to not date because of risk of contraction.

[xpaperxcutx]

It's only been a few weeks. Most people with GHSV do not disclose to friends, no matter how close. They only disclose when they believe that a relationship will turn sexual. Give him some time. If it gets to the point of being sexual and he has not disclosed, then dump him without looking back. Although the virus is overly stigmatized for what it is, he should most certainly have the decency to give you the choice.

 

But like I said, it's only been a few weeks. He might be making sure that what you two have could actually be serious...that you're worth the risk of "coming out" to, so to speak.

 

That is such a contradiction. If he had the decency to write it out on his FB ( which could very well be public to all his friends) why doesn't he have the decency to disclose it to her? Besides, she's the one he's dating ( unless he's also dating someone) and as a potential partner, he's putting her at risk.

[Pleco]

That is such a contradiction. If he had the decency to write it out on his FB ( which could very well be public to all his friends) why doesn't he have the decency to disclose it to her? Besides, she's the one he's dating ( unless he's also dating someone) and as a potential partner, he's putting her at risk.

That's true I didn't think about the facebook thing. It is strange that he hasn't told her. But again, she's not at risk until they get sexual. If he doesn't tell her before then, she should drop him.

[Pleco]

If those are the facts then you are helping by spreading misleading info then.. misleading in the fact that you are trying to say that a person can date the whole population to begin with.

 

A person cannot date the entire population, most of the population is already undateable for other reasons...

Married people, people in relationships.. people not dating for other reasons.. virgins... etc.. etc...

 

What percentage of single available, dateable people have herpes ?.. that would be a more proper statistic to further the exact argument you just posed about a reduced dating pool because of herpes if a person chooses to not date because of risk of contraction.

 

The bolded part I don't quite understand. Actually, I don't understand this whole post. Everything I have stated so far has been fact. The fact that most of the population isn't dateable for reasons other than herpes is irrelevant to this thread...which is about herpes.

 

I said that the dating pool is extremely reduced if a person chooses to not date people with herpes. This is fact, assuming that herpes isn't specific to non-dateable people. If you can give me a logical reason as to why only non-dateable people have herpes, and therefore the dating population is NOT reduced if someone were to restrict partners to only people without herpes, then maybe I'll be able to understand the point of your post.

 

Like I said, I'm not pro-herpes, so I don't know why you're so upset (if you are). I'm just stating fact, and trying to dispel common myths about the virus. Are you opposed to that for some reason? Because you're kind of confusing the point of my posts I think.

[Pleco]

That is such a contradiction. If he had the decency to write it out on his FB ( which could very well be public to all his friends) why doesn't he have the decency to disclose it to her? Besides, she's the one he's dating ( unless he's also dating someone) and as a potential partner, he's putting her at risk.

Maybe he has a close friend that he confides in who knows about it? I dunno. That is the only reason I can think of that he would be talking about it on a facebook chat. But he is trying to date the OP and therefore her opinion scares him a little more so he is taking his time trying to figure out how to tel her.

 

That, or he is a scumbag who plans on not disclosing his status. Who knows.

[Feelin Frisky]

Sorry to have to say it but taking on someone else's herpes is not in my user's manual. My sincere sympathies to the sufferers and victims of this scourge. I have a sister who contracted it from her boyfriend. Though she was head-turning gorgeous as a teen and young adult she came to feel that no one else would want her knowing her secret. So she married the guy who gave it to her and they try to make what they have work--it's not a marriage made in heaven but they get along and are still together after about 17 years and have two preciously cute children. I'm the little boy's godfather.

[Pleco]

Sorry to have to say it but taking on someone else's herpes is not in my user's manual. My sincere sympathies to the sufferers and victims of this scourge. I have a sister who contracted it from her boyfriend. Though she was head-turning gorgeous as a teen and young adult she came to feel that no one else would want her knowing her secret. So she married the guy who gave it to her and they try to make what they have work--it's not a marriage made in heaven but they get along and are still together after about 17 years and have two preciously cute children. I'm the little boy's godfather.

I'm sorry for your sister This is the kind of stuff that seriously depresses me and that is the reason I am on here saying what I am saying. The myths and stigma surrounding herpes are what creates situations like the one your sister was in. I am glad it worked out for her though.

 

Some people turn away from perfectly good partners for fear of catching a disease that they have a good chance of catching from almost anyone else that they date. It's sad. Other people's lives are "ruined" because of the same misconception.

[Ruby Slippers]

No, I would not.

 

I'm STD free and want to stay that way.

[Mad Max]

No, I would not.

 

I'm STD free and want to stay that way.

 

 

Doubtful, unfortunately. Cold sores? HPV? Both affect 80-90% of the population.

[xpaperxcutx]

Sorry to have to say it but taking on someone else's herpes is not in my user's manual. My sincere sympathies to the sufferers and victims of this scourge. I have a sister who contracted it from her boyfriend. Though she was head-turning gorgeous as a teen and young adult she came to feel that no one else would want her knowing her secret. So she married the guy who gave it to her and they try to make what they have work--it's not a marriage made in heaven but they get along and are still together after about 17 years and have two preciously cute children. I'm the little boy's godfather.

 

Did she know he had herpes? Did he divulge that he had herpes to her before they had sex?

[Feelin Frisky]

Did she know he had herpes? Did he divulge that he had herpes to her before they had sex?

 

I wasn't even supposed to know this but my mother blurted it out just a few months back after so many years of it being their secret. I didn't probe too much. What's done is done and were I to find out that he knew before hand and infected her recklessly it would only anger me ajd estrange me so way far after the fact and so much time has transpired I really don't want to dislike and resent him. She's a bit of a handful too. I'll choose to error on the side of them not knowing. I'm not the intrusive crusader type with all the righteous answers like some others in my family. I just hope their marriage lasts for good or at least until the kids are grown and out and that maybe medicine might find some new answers. I thank my lucky stars I don't have such a thing to tear at my serenity.

[LittleTiger]

Three things I'd like to say at this point:

 

1/. I don't understand why people are so keen to ignore the facts about herpes as presented by pleco and others (and myself earlier). Is it because you'd rather bury your heads in the sand?

 

Most people have some form of herpes - that includes most of you!

 

Herpes can't be tested for unless you have an active outbreak and a very large percentage of people never have an outbreak, despite having the virus - that is FACT.

 

If you haven't got it already, you will almost certainly have it by the time you go to your grave - even if you're 100% faithful to your current, apparently uninfected, partner for the rest of your life.

 

2/. Ignorance about herpes is what creates the stigma, and the stigma attached to it is way out of proportion. The fact that it leads to situations like the one described by FF is just tragic. In the UK, at least, the medical profession now refer to it as 'the cold sore virus' in an attempt to dismiss the stigma associated with it.

 

Most people are more concerned about catching HSV2 because they don't understand about the virus. Whatever name you give it - HSV1 is more dangerous than HSV2.

 

3/. The OPs male friend (because that's all he really is at the moment) has disclosed his herpes status on facebook - on FACEBOOK for chr*st's sake!!! Last time I looked, facebook was a social networking site - hardly the place to talk about something you're trying to hide!

 

OP, just ask him about it! He's not exactly kept it a secret has he??? Until it's obvious that you're going to have sex he has no reason to tell you outright, especially if you're friends already. Maybe he thinks you already know. Maybe he had that facebook conversation hoping you would see it?

 

Whether or not to progress with this relationship is obviously your decision but please, do your research before writing him off. Especially when the odds are you already have the same virus anyway.

[Mad Max]

Herpes can't be tested for unless you have an active outbreak and a very large percentage of people never have an outbreak, despite having the virus - that is FACT.

 

 

Wrong. You can get a blood test and it will show. You don't need to have an outbreak.

[Star Gazer]

Wrong. You can get a blood test and it will show. You don't need to have an outbreak.

 

WRONG. You can have it but not have enough of a viral load for it to show up as a positive result. It depends largely on the strength of your immune system at the time of the test, and how close in time to contracting the virus you were tested.

 

Further, a positive HSV 1 test will NOT tell you WHERE on your body that herpes virus is located. So for the 80% of you that take your positive HSV 1 test results back to your partner, s/he will have no clue whether you in fact have herpes on your genitals, unless you already know you do and you tell them as much.

[Green]

I personaly wouldn't want to date some one who had genital herpes. I wouldn't even really want to date some one who had oral herpes.

 

Oral herpes is called oral herpes for a reason it is more likely to infect your mouth and it is rare to happen on a persons privates... and for some one who has oral herpes on their mouth to get it on their privates is realy rare.

 

A lot of people get oral herpes when they are babies or young children and oral herpes doesn't have the same stigma. People treat cold sores as anoyance and no one usualy has some big "I get cold sores" talk with some one they are dating.

[LittleTiger]

Wrong. You can get a blood test and it will show. You don't need to have an outbreak.

 

As Star Gazer says - wrong. A negative blood test doesn't guarantee you're virus free. The herpes blood tests are reasonably accurate but not conclusive and even the more accurate tests, that can distinguish between HSV1 and HSV2, can't tell you if the virus is in your genitals - which is what we're talking about here.

 

The only way to be sure you have herpes on your genitals is to be swabbed when you're having an outbreak and it has to be done at the right time to get an accurate result. If it's your first ever 'outbreak' it could even be something other than herpes.

 

Viral testing can be a controversial topic but, regardless of positive or negative results, the fact remains that the only way to have a cast iron guarantee you will never contract genital herpes is to ensure you genitals don't come into contact with another person ie stop having sex.

[LittleTiger]

I personaly wouldn't want to date some one who had genital herpes. I wouldn't even really want to date some one who had oral herpes.

 

Oral herpes is called oral herpes for a reason it is more likely to infect your mouth and it is rare to happen on a persons privates... and for some one who has oral herpes on their mouth to get it on their privates is realy rare.

 

A lot of people get oral herpes when they are babies or young children and oral herpes doesn't have the same stigma. People treat cold sores as anoyance and no one usualy has some big "I get cold sores" talk with some one they are dating.

 

The terms 'oral' and 'genital' herpes are used much less these days because either type can occur in either place. It isn't rare at all. The main difference is that the mouth 'picks up' the HSV1 virus more readily than the genitals do and the genitals 'pick up' the HSV2 more readily than the mouth does. However, either virus can be trasmitted to/from either site.

 

If somebody in your family had/has cold sores during your childhood the chances of you contracting the virus are very high - even if you've never had an outbreak. When people test positive without symptoms what this actually says is 'you have been exposed to the virus'. Does that mean we should all tell every prospective partner that our parent or sibling had cold sores? Of course not, that would be ridiculous.

 

If people were to educate themselves about herpes the stigma would eventually disappear. Protecting our own health is obviously a good thing but to discount a prospective partner on the grounds that they have a virus that exists in 80% or more of the population just seems ridiculous to me - not to mention very sad.

[Tim The Enchanter]

Well thanks for the herpes marketing, but I still don't want a rash on my knob.

Edited November 18, 2010 by Tim The Enchanter

[LittleTiger]

Well thanks for the herpes marketing, but I still don't want a rash on my knob.

 

Interesting that you see it that way - I call it educating people.

 

Of course you don't want a rash, nobody does, and if you're lucky you never will have......but, for the umpteenth time, the only way you can have a cast iron guarantee that you never will have a herpes rash on your knob is to stop having sex.

 

Your choice!

[sanskrit]

Interesting topic, and definitely used to be in the "no" camp. But thinking about it and putting it in perspective, what if that person was a perfect match for you? Odds are, we will all have to deal with some horrible health issues with a mate in life, what about a brain tumor, undiagnosed cancer of some other type, diabetes, heart disease, early Alzheimer's, mental disease, MS, Parkinson's, Lupus, Crone's, organ failure, some rare disease like Lou Gehrig's, a terrible accident.

 

Actually, if I had to choose one, and of course one person could have more than one or several, and not to be too morbid, but most of us will deal with at least one of these in an SO in life, sign me up for the herp and hope to avoid the other stuff.