My fiancee left me out of the blue

[GreenPolicy]

We had dated for almost a year and were very happy with each other. Our 1-year anniversary would have been Nov 1. Her birthday was Nov 5. She told me throughout it was the best rel'ship she'd ever been in, I was different and better than all the other "losers" she had dated before and none of her other rel'ships lasted a year. She sat her parents down and told them I was different from all the other guys and I was the guy she wanted to marry. And her parents wanted to meet mine because they thought we'd be getting married. And she told me that her parents approved of me and she had dumped guys before that her parents didn't like. We had started talking marriage about 5 months in and it was an organic thing and the level of passion was the same on both sides. I was the first guy she ever dated that she introduced to her biological father, whom she has a very troubled relationship with.

 

I know it's not infidelity. I did a lot of reading up on that and her recent behavior did not fit the classic warning signs. And up until the day she did it she was acting still very much committed and emotionally invested and doing the "little things" that you do. I could show you emails right before she left me where she says she loves me very much, I'm an amazing man and she's so lucky to have me. A few days before she broke it off I told her that I had a job interview at the mall for the holidays so I could save up money to buy a ring. We had gone to a jewelry convention so I could see what she liked and have an idea of what to buy.

 

About a month ago she texts me at 9 in the morning on a Saturday asking to come over. First thing she says is she doesn't feel like she can love me the way I want to be loved or need to be loved. I tell her that I've never felt neglected by her or that I wasn't getting from her what I need or want. She says that when I give her compliments, she doesn't feel like that person on the inside. I tell her that I know she's not perfect and I'm not trying to put her on a pedestal, but the things I said are true and she's perfect for me. She says that she can't be in a relationship right now, she has to be single, she has to be alone. I tell her that before she met me, she told me she was single and lonely, and then with me she felt happy and loved. She says she always does this, she's never been in a relationship longer than a year. I tell her that it sounds like fear, fear about taking the next step, that marriage scares me too at times, but I'm more scared of a future without her. She I asked her if she still loves me and she says she does, that I'm everything she ever wanted in a man, but she can't be in a relationship right now. We had four weddings we were supposed to go to this fall, we had already been to one, that Saturday would have been the second, and she says she doesn't want to waste any more of my time making me go to weddings I don't have to go to and don't want to go to, and I said that I didn't resent having to go to weddings with her, I just enjoyed being with her and I didn't care what we did. I asked if her parents had anything to do with it and encouraged her to dump me and she says no. And after 15 minutes, she says she can't stay any longer, she has to go.

 

So that was four weeks ago Saturday. A week afterwards, I sent her a bouquet of her favorite flowers (gerber daisies) with the card that said "I love you. I miss you. My heart aches for you." She changed her status on fb to single, so I deleted her as a friend and scrubbed her from my profile. I then mailed her a snail letter that was about a page and a half, and it basically said that if she feels she is better off apart than together, then I respect that, but some of the things she said to justify it were unnecessary and hurtful. And that we didn't have to rush into marriage, we could always slow down and take things slow, and only move on when we were both truly ready. And I can understand how being in unchartered territory with a guy that was different from the others she had dated could be scary, but it didn't mean our relationship was doomed. And then I said that I still love her and I am open to reconciliation through couples counseling, but I can't wait around forever for her and I have to move on with my life, with or without her. And if she's not willing to work with me to save the relationship, then we can't remain friends and we can't stay in touch. She would have gotten that letter two weeks ago. No response.

 

Other than the flowers and the letter, I have not called, texted, emailed, im'd her, shown up on her doorstep, etc. I have not begged and pleaded with her to take me back. I am guessing that she had deep-seated emotional issues relating to trust and commitment that were previously undiscovered by me. Her biological father abandoned her mom when she was pregnant and did not help raise her. Her mother has been married three times. Her older sister told her that she married for security and not love.

[quankanne]

it really does sound like she's letting family history scare her out of a relationship – and it could be that she doesn't feel "worthy" of y'alls relationship, even though the love is very well grounded, because of what went on between her parents, and then with her mom's subsequent marriages. As if her mom's history is supposed to set the path for her own, if you will.

 

as hard as it is, let her be. Because until she figures out for herself that it's okay to be happy, it's okay to be in a solid relationship and that she doesn't have to worry about repeating her parents' mistakes, nothing you say or do can make her see that. Hopefully, she'll process this information and see that her style of loving/living have nothing to do with her parents, and allow herself to be happy in a relationship ...

 

meanwhile, do the best you can to move forward. If you and she are meant to be together, the universe will conspire to make it happen when it's supposed to happen, and not a moment before.

[Ajax]

.

 

 

Well... first off I'm sorry you're going through this. Your situation sounds pretty similar to mine, and if you spend much time in these forums you'll realize just how common that is.

 

Just as a frame of reference I'll give the short version of my story.

My ex was the best relationship I'd ever had. We were getting really close and about a week before she broke up with me she started a conversation about our future. She said that she was going through something but that I shouldn't worry because she loved me and couldn't see a future without me. We both opened up to each other and I thought we'd taken the relationship to a new level. The next week was her B-Day, and I went all out. Sent her flowers at work, bought her the present she wanted, and baked her a cake which we took over to her parents house to celebrate. Everything seemed perfect. We were as close as could be. Then the following Saturday I didn't hear from her, which was strange. Finally she texted me around 6:00 asking me to come over to talk. I knew something was up. She then told me how she was depressed and needed to "figure herself out," and for that she needed to be alone. I told her how I loved her and wanted to stand by her but she said that I deserved to be with someone who loved me as much as I loved them.

 

That was three months ago. I haven't talked to her since the end of August. And it hurt like a muther ******. Now I still wish things had worked out, but the pain is fading. So know that you're not alone and that it does get better.

[GreenPolicy]

Well... first off I'm sorry you're going through this. Your situation sounds pretty similar to mine, and if you spend much time in these forums you'll realize just how common that is.

 

Just as a frame of reference I'll give the short version of my story.

My ex was the best relationship I'd ever had. We were getting really close and about a week before she broke up with me she started a conversation about our future. She said that she was going through something but that I shouldn't worry because she loved me and couldn't see a future without me. We both opened up to each other and I thought we'd taken the relationship to a new level. The next week was her B-Day, and I went all out. Sent her flowers at work, bought her the present she wanted, and baked her a cake which we took over to her parents house to celebrate. Everything seemed perfect. We were as close as could be. Then the following Saturday I didn't hear from her, which was strange. Finally she texted me around 6:00 asking me to come over to talk. I knew something was up. She then told me how she was depressed and needed to "figure herself out," and for that she needed to be alone. I told her how I loved her and wanted to stand by her but she said that I deserved to be with someone who loved me as much as I loved them.

 

That was three months ago. I haven't talked to her since the end of August. And it hurt like a muther ******. Now I still wish things had worked out, but the pain is fading. So know that you're not alone and that it does get better.

 

I don't regret sending her a letter, because this is not a normal breakup to me. I always assumed in a breakup conversation that she would lay out why she was doing it and I would get to say my piece and there would be no further need for discussion after that. I understand that you can't chase after them, can't beg, plead and grovel to take you back, or promise to change (What am I supposed to change when she never told me what I was doing wrong?). And I'm at peace with what I said because I didn't do any of that. The more you try to fight it, the more they retreat. And my only agenda in not contacting her is to heal and move forward. It's not about implementing a strategy to win her back.

 

The way I see it, if she does come back around, it will only be after she's had a lot of time apart to miss me and begins to think I've moved on without her. And even if she did, there's a lot of work to do to rebuild trust, etc. But I have to proceed on the assumption that the relationship is truly over and the breakup is permanent.

[willowthewisp]

You have been involved with a committment phobic women. I know, because I was with one for nearly 20 years, lived together 10 and engaged nearly 10 years. He left me with no warning just after we booked our wedding at the Church. He never told me he was unhappy and said he kept it hidden and that he had been unhappy since he proposed! 10 Years!

 

I sought out IC and I can see now that he has serious intimacy issues, but I have spent two years taking on the blame he threw at me. Thankfully I see that you have much more strength and understanding of what has happened to you than I did and I KNOW you are going to get through this. To be honest, you sound like a wonderful loving guy and some women is going to be very lucky to have you. You're doing all the right things to look after you and to move forward from this person who is incapable of true intimacy and emotional committment, keep going and never look back, don't waste a single day on someone who is too cowardly to address their own issues that they would rather hurt you.

[strangeways]

First thing she says is she doesn't feel like she can love me the way I want to be loved or need to be loved. I tell her that I've never felt neglected by her or that I wasn't getting from her what I need or want. She says that when I give her compliments, she doesn't feel like that person on the inside.

 

I tell her that before she met me, she told me she was single and lonely, and then with me she felt happy and loved. She says she always does this, she's never been in a relationship longer than a year.

 

I am guessing that she had deep-seated emotional issues relating to trust and commitment that were previously undiscovered by me. Her biological father abandoned her mom when she was pregnant and did not help raise her. Her mother has been married three times. Her older sister told her that she married for security and not love.

 

She sounds EXACTLY like my ex. She left me out of the blue as well. All the above quotes stand out for me.

 

I think quankanne is right. You can't underestimate these emotional issues. They translate into fears of attachment, abandonment, intimacy and commitment. They also lead to feelings of low self esteem, "She says that when I give her compliments, she doesn't feel like that person on the inside". I suspect she feels she doesn't deserve the love you give her and doesn't feel like she can give it back. Been there, done that.

 

If this is the case (and I'm no expert) there is very little you can do. These emotional issues are for her to sort out on her own. If she comes back then most likely these fears and anxieties will just resurface somewhere down the road. You can't fix her which is what I thought I could do.

 

Just my 0.02 cents worth

[strangeways]

You have been involved with a committment phobic women. I know, because I was with one for nearly 20 years, lived together 10 and engaged nearly 10 years. He left me with no warning just after we booked our wedding at the Church. He never told me he was unhappy and said he kept it hidden and that he had been unhappy since he proposed! 10 Years!

 

I sought out IC and I can see now that he has serious intimacy issues, but I have spent two years taking on the blame he threw at me. Thankfully I see that you have much more strength and understanding of what has happened to you than I did and I KNOW you are going to get through this. To be honest, you sound like a wonderful loving guy and some women is going to be very lucky to have you. You're doing all the right things to look after you and to move forward from this person who is incapable of true intimacy and emotional committment, keep going and never look back, don't waste a single day on someone who is too cowardly to address their own issues that they would rather hurt you.

 

^^^Listen to willow.

[GreenPolicy]

She broke up with me October 16th. October 21st I sent her flowers. A week later she changed her status on fb to single, so I deleted her as a friend and wrote her a snail letter. I took care not to beg, plead with her to take me back, just basically explained how I felt. That letter would have been received November 1st. Other than that, complete radio silence on her part and I have done nothing besides the flowers and the letter. I'll post the letter here. I understand that NC is for me and to heal and move forward, that it's not about winning her back. But it's been five weeks since the breakup, and there is a tiny part of me that emotionally holds out hope. I'm sure that is a normal part of the breakup, and in time that hope will fade the longer she maintains radio silence. Anyways, here is the letter:

 

I just want to say that if you feel like you are truly better off apart than together, then I respect that. You deserved to have your say, and I deserve to have mine.You made a decision that greatly affected both of us without talking it over with me first and letting me know your concerns. And you didn't give me much of a reason as to why. You weren't willing to share your feelings with me and didn't want to fight to save our relationship before throwing in the towel. That HURT.

 

You said that you don't feel like you can love me the way I want to be loved or need to be loved. I don't need to be loved. I just want your love. And throughout the course of our relationship, I know that you did love me. That day in my apartment you told me that you still did. And that being the case, let me worry about what I'm getting versus what I want. If I ever felt like you were neglecting me, I would tell you. You made it out like I was asking more of you than you can give, and that's not the case at all. That hurt as well. You said you didn't want me to go to weddings that I didn't have to go to and didn't want to go to, when I loved being your date, supporting you by your side. That hurt too. I never resented the time I got to spend with you. It was an honor, a privilege and a blessing. You also told me that when I gave you compliments, you didn't feel like that person on the inside. I was expressing gratitude for the love I felt from you and how you made me feel on the inside. I wasn't trying to put you up on a pedestal to fall off of. I said those things because they are true. That day in my apartment I saw you hurting, and as your erstwhile partner, I just want you to know that all I want is to support you and be there for you. You can tell me anything and I will not judge you or think less of you. It hurts to see you in pain and turn me away.

 

You never came to me with ultimatums about things that needed to change or ways in which the relationship was not working. If you had I would have done everything in my power to fix it. You said that after almost a year of dating and plans to make a bigger commitment, you started having feelings that something was wrong and didn't quite feel right. I didn't sense any kind of drifting apart or ways in which you were pulling away. In retrospect I think that we both obviously needed to communicate better. We're both such easygoing, laid-back types that nothing you ever did seemed worth making a big stink about. We never really argued, and looking back we both needed to speak up more about things that bothered us before it was too late.

 

We both professed our love to one another and a desire to marry. What you said in my apartment sounded a lot like fear. You said you've never been in a relationship for more than a year, that you always break it off before that. You said this was the best relationship you'd ever been in, and I was everything you wanted in a man. You told me I was different from all the other guys who came before. So it's hard to understand why this relationship has to end in the same way as the others. I know how rare it is to have what we shared together, and it doesn’t come around very often, so I don’t understand why you would be so quick to walk away. I told you that I had made plans to get a holiday job so I could buy a ring. We had gone to the jewelry convention to look at bands. It was starting to become very real, and not just something that we talked about wanting. You were in unchartered territory with a man who was different from all the ones that came before, and I can see how that might be very scary. But it doesn't necessarily mean our relationship was doomed.

 

I'm not in a rush to get married. I don't want to get married just for the sake of being married and not being alone. I just know that I love YOU, and I want YOU in my life. The rest is just details. It didn't have to be all or nothing. We could always tap the brakes and take things slower, and move on to the next step when we were both truly ready. You deserve someone who has your back and appreciates, accepts and loves you for who you are. I am that person.

 

I am writing this because I want you to know how I feel. I believe that our love and everything we built together is worth trying to save, but it takes two people to make that commitment. I would be interested in reconciliation, but that window of opportunity will not be open forever. I have to get on with my life, with or without you. I am open to couples counseling at _____ Chapel, _______ Baptist, or somewhere else if you prefer. If we went through that process and you still felt the same way afterwards, then we lose nothing and walk away knowing this wasn't meant to be. But we have a potential lifetime of happiness and companionship to gain if we work together to heal this breach. The last year of our lives has been filled with joy and love for both of us, and I don’t understand why that has to come to an end. If this is not something that you are willing to try, then I am afraid we can't remain friends and we can't remain in contact. At a certain point I have to move on. I believe in you and I believe in us. I love you.

[Am4Real]

 

You’re doing all the right things at this point as you leave her alone and work on healing. Whatever her issues they are HER issues and not yours.

 

Obviously there was much going on in her head and she was marvelous at hiding it from you…geez, doesn’t make her sound all that attractive when put in a factual sense does it?

 

Keep positing in these forums and we’ll stay with you as you weather this change in your life.

[GreenPolicy]

 

You’re doing all the right things at this point as you leave her alone and work on healing. Whatever her issues they are HER issues and not yours.

 

Obviously there was much going on in her head and she was marvelous at hiding it from you…geez, doesn’t make her sound all that attractive when put in a factual sense does it?

 

 

Ha, I guess not. I guess what I want is to go back in time to October 15th. I want to go back to the way things were, but obviously that is not an option. Even if she did come back, there is a lot she would need to do to demonstrate a greater commitment to me and for me to emotionally trust her again.

 

My focus is moving forward and healing, but it's only been five weeks, so of course emotionally there is a tiny part of me clinging to hope, no matter if that is realistic or rational. And I couldn't just take her back and sweep this under the rug. Whatever emotional issues caused her to bail have to be addressed, or something else would happen down the road. For me to take her back, I would have to hear something along the lines of "I was overcome with emotion and fear about taking the next step and I panicked. I know the way I broke things off hurt you and wasn't the right way to handle things. I've got issues that I need to work on and I realize that what we had is worth trying to save. I do want to go to couples counseling." If I heard that or words to that effect from her, I'd take her back. And if not, I wouldn't. But obviously from a mental health standpoint I need to assume the breakup is permanent and this scenario is moot.

 

This weekend was especially hard because we were supposed to go to her best friend's wedding out of town together. It was hard thinking "I was supposed to be there with her at a joyous occasion for her best friend." And there's another wedding on December 11th we were supposed to go to. After that, I won't know her whereabouts or plans, so once our last plans, Christmas and New Years come and go, I think it will get easier.

 

The other thing that dawned on me is that I need patience. I am in pain, and only two things are going to remove that pain: time, distance and the power of positive thinking by processing my grief in a constructive way...or she comes back to me. And neither of those things are happening anytime soon. Grief takes time, and if she's going to reach out to me, it will only come after she senses that I've moved on. It's been five weeks, so she knows she can have me back if she wants. That won't be the case months from now, but in the meantime I've got to move forward and assume the breakup is permanent.

Edited November 22, 2010 by GreenPolicy

[Brandi 2]

poof....gone? I have this picture in my mind of you standing there going, 'what just happened'.

 

This is horrible, but I guess better to find out now? I am really sorry for what has happened to you. I don't know you, but I understand how that would feel. I am shocked with you.

[durkadurka]

Ha, I guess not. I guess what I want is to go back in time to October 15th. I want to go back to the way things were, but obviously that is not an option. Even if she did come back, there is a lot she would need to do to demonstrate a greater commitment to me and for me to emotionally trust her again.

 

My focus is moving forward and healing, but it's only been five weeks, so of course emotionally there is a tiny part of me clinging to hope, no matter if that is realistic or rational. And I couldn't just take her back and sweep this under the rug. Whatever emotional issues caused her to bail have to be addressed, or something else would happen down the road. For me to take her back, I would have to hear something along the lines of "I was overcome with emotion and fear about taking the next step and I panicked. I know the way I broke things off hurt you and wasn't the right way to handle things. I've got issues that I need to work on and I realize that what we had is worth trying to save. I do want to go to couples counseling." If I heard that or words to that effect from her, I'd take her back. And if not, I wouldn't. But obviously from a mental health standpoint I need to assume the breakup is permanent and this scenario is moot.

 

This weekend was especially hard because we were supposed to go to her best friend's wedding out of town together. It was hard thinking "I was supposed to be there with her at a joyous occasion for her best friend." And there's another wedding on December 11th we were supposed to go to. After that, I won't know her whereabouts or plans, so once our last plans, Christmas and New Years come and go, I think it will get easier.

 

The other thing that dawned on me is that I need patience. I am in pain, and only two things are going to remove that pain: time, distance and the power of positive thinking by processing my grief in a constructive way...or she comes back to me. And neither of those things are happening anytime soon. Grief takes time, and if she's going to reach out to me, it will only come after she senses that I've moved on. It's been five weeks, so she knows she can have me back if she wants. That won't be the case months from now, but in the meantime I've got to move forward and assume the breakup is permanent.

 

 

Don't fight for the past, fight for a future.

[GreenPolicy]

I find that following NC is easy, because the ball is in her court if she wants to get back together...and on the assumption that that won't happen, NC is the only way I'm going to heal. It's futile and pointless to contact her. But it's having to live without her that is excruciating.

 

We were together a year and it's been 5 weeks and change since she broke things off. What's a rough timeline for how long I'm going to be grieving over this?

[butterfly24]

omg i feel your pain I am going through the same thing. His parents divorced years ago, but it effect him see himself in a relationship. Marriage talk one day and running for the hills the next. I am trying the who nc thing but it is hard because we work together and have to talk some times..... I found him looking at me over the piles of stuff in the store. Anyone know what that means??????..... he runs the other way it we are going to cross paths.... When i called him out on it, he started saying a comment almost every time he sees me.... LIKE I not afraid blah blah .... i miss him so .....

 

 

i want to read all the response you got but i have to go ..... any help from anyone would be very helpful---- lost and hurt and confused more than ever

[GreenPolicy]

I always thought that a breakup would be logical and would make sense, but I'm learning that affairs of the heart are anything but. I'm sure a lot of breakups are perfectly logical and make sense - couples fight and argue all the time and breakup because they're not getting along, they drift apart over a long period of time, one or both partners commit infidelity, you spend enough time with somebody and then realize that your values, goals and priorities are not in line, etc. And that was not the case here. Intellectually, I'm beginning to see that she has a commitment phobia and an emotional complex over being in a long-term committed relationship, but emotionally is it utterly incomprehensible. Emotionally if feels like one day things were great and then very suddenly they weren't. It's very little comfort to know that this isn't my fault, that these are her issues and not mine. That knowledge doesn't bring her back in my life. It's little comfort now to know that I'm handling things the right way. I know that my payoff is way down the road - either I heal, or slim to none chance we reconcile. And right now, I'm just engulfed in pain.

 

It's just hard to come to terms with the fact that this is not something she appears to have contemplated for a long time, that she acted very quickly on her feelings without giving it a lot of thought and contemplation. I have emails right before it happened where she professes her love to me, she wasn't acting differently, etc. She was still doing the "little things" you do in a relationship. So it's not like she had mentally checked out a long time before she finally broke things off. It drives home the realization that just because something is good today, there is no guarantee it will be here tomorrow. Things can and do change quickly.

 

My definition of love is that it's not just puppy dogs and flowers and sunshine and all of that romantic stuff, it's also sticking with something when it's hard. It's making a commitment, sticking with that commitment and only walking away after you've tried everything you can to fix it. It's not running at the first sign of trouble. That doesn't mean her decision to leave was the wrong one, but we built something together. We made a commitment to each other. It's disrespectful to what we built and shared together to flee from it so suddenly. I'm not saying stay with me forever no matter what. I just think a major life decision like that requires more thought and deliberation. But that's me. I suppose it's possible that she contemplated this for a long, long time and finally worked up the courage to go through with it. But I don't think that's the case. I would have picked up on that kind of drifting apart and checking out. I don't think I'm the kind of person that can go from one end of the spectrum (happy, in love, excited about a future together) to the other (this is not right and I have to leave) in a fortnight. I know that I could make that journey, but it would take me a long time to get there.

[Surfer203]

I am in a similar situation with my wife.. she met another guy and just left. She didn't face her problems (if there were any existing issues they were unknown to me). She gave up on all we built and shared and did not put any thought in to it. She just left. It is the worst.. but things will get better I know. I am trying my hardest to stay positive and is important that anyone in this situation stay strong and take care of themselves first. Worry about others later.

[Am4Real]

I always thought that a breakup would be logical and would make sense, but I'm learning that affairs of the heart are anything but.

 

Oh no, they're all logical, just not always "so" for both parties.

 

Hang in there.

[GreenPolicy]

Oh no, they're all logical, just not always "so" for both parties.

 

Hang in there.

 

Based on everything, I think this is an emotional complex over making a bigger commitment. That's not logical to me, but you're saying it's logical to her?

[Am4Real]

Based on everything, I think this is an emotional complex over making a bigger commitment. That's not logical to me, but you're saying it's logical to her?

 

Whilst all of us may not accept her actions, the validity of logic is based on the definition of the word itself which can be established as:

 

Logic

The study of the principles of reasoning; a particular method of argument or reasoning; force or effectiveness in argument or dispute; reasoned thought or argument, as distinguished from irrationality

In her mind and perhaps her mind alone the course of events may pass all of the above definitions. You in turn take exception. This is the difference in the applicability of logic but not necessarily the definition.

 

I know all of this is a play on words and certainly not meant to downplay your feelings. Rather just know that often when one person leaves a relationship they have given much thought into the situation beforehand and in their own mind it may be hurtful and more, but is still logical to them.

 

I would not waste anymore time in trying to figure out what was going on in her head!!!!

[GreenPolicy]

Also, the other thing I'm struggling with is truly letting go. It's been a little over 5 weeks. I know grief is a long process and it will take a while (and behaving in a constructive fashion) for me to get to that acceptance stage. And I'm committed to NC in order to do that. Intellectually, I know I am doing this for the right reasons. I can't truly heal and move on until I accept that the relationship is truly over.

 

However, there is a small part of me emotionally that holds out hope. And I know that for me to truly heal, I have to let that go. It just seems easier said than done at this point. The only thing right now that truly brings me out of my deepest moments of despair is the thought that "Maybe in a few months when we're both clear-headed, she'll start to miss me and think I've moved on and contact me wanting to get back together." And I suppose that's normal so soon after a breakup, but I don't want to prolong my pain and put off truly healing. When I contemplate the relationship being truly over, that's when I turn into a crying, bubbly mess.

[butterfly24]

mr green, I really feel your pain. I feel like you are reading my mind as you express your feelings. I feel that I am not alone in the world of love.

 

Now my guy picked our wedding song and the people who would stand in our wedding then next he is walking out the door. I feel as if I have lost my best friend and I to pray he will return. I ask myself everyday how could he not miss me. He is all I think about. It has been 8 weeks for me. Thanksgiving and our anniversary have both passed and no contract by him. I see him all the time because I work with him and it really sucks having him looking at me.

 

My advice to you is expect nothing and hope for the best. I believe in both of our cases they are very confused and I dont want to give up just yet. But that also means you have to do the hardest thing and let her alone. Nothing you say or do will bring her back unless she wants to come back.

 

You have to start to heal. One day at a time. I write and write. I read everything about 5 weeks after and realized I am still much in love with him, but if he ever came back I would be the same person but a lot more afraid to trust. You have to know that you cant be afraid it will have to be forgive and move on..... no matter who you end up with this break up cant run the other ones.....

 

Love again one day feel so far away and I am sure these last few weeks have felt like months or atleast a year. I dont see the light just yet, but i dont cry as much, but i also still have my bad days like today. Usually when someone asks me about him.

 

Work on yourself right now. In every relationship there are things that we can improve on and things you wanted and didnt get. Work on what you enjoy in life. keep yourself busy. It does get ez....with time

[GreenPolicy]

I shouldn't be doing this, but I've been reading over old emails where she writes things like I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and tells me how lucky she is to have me, etc. These emails are also right before she broke up with me. And her behavior wasn't really different right before it happened.

 

I know I have to stop worrying about what is going on in her head and what she was thinking or thinking now and get on with my life. It's been six weeks now, and I'm starting to feel sadder now that it sinks in that she's truly gone. It's making me question how much of our relationship was real and how much of it she put up a front.

 

I know that she did love me because you can tell when someone loves you. You feel it. And it's obvious now in retrospect that there were things going on in her head that she did not share with me. I know I can't worry about what she's doing or how she feels, but I guess I'm at the stage where you question your relationship and how much of it was real and how much of it wasn't.

[sunshinegirl]

GreenPolicy,

 

I don't spend much time in this forum anymore but in years past, I was in here for weeks and months on end, trying to process and move on from some devastating breakups.

 

You are really handling things very well, considering. All I wanted to add to the comments others have made is that acceptance that it's over is usually the last piece to fall into place. I know that I held out hope (despite knowing better) for quite some time with a couple of my breakups, and it really just took time, and in once case, a totally upsetting email exchange with the ex to get me to that place of acceptance.

 

For what it's worth, I would say don't try to force it. Hope is a powerful thing and is hard to kill. I'm not saying it means she's going to come back - they rarely do - but be kind to yourself. Don't expect to be able to shut your hope down just 6 weeks after such a devastating shock.

 

I really have walked the road you're on. It sucks, there's no two ways about it. But you'll make it through, and you will eventually find the right relationship with the right woman at the right time. The reason I haven't been on the breakup forum in awhile is that I finally did meet the man of my dreams in 2009, and we got married last month.

 

Good luck to you!

[GreenPolicy]

GreenPolicy,

 

I don't spend much time in this forum anymore but in years past, I was in here for weeks and months on end, trying to process and move on from some devastating breakups.

 

You are really handling things very well, considering. All I wanted to add to the comments others have made is that acceptance that it's over is usually the last piece to fall into place. I know that I held out hope (despite knowing better) for quite some time with a couple of my breakups, and it really just took time, and in once case, a totally upsetting email exchange with the ex to get me to that place of acceptance.

 

For what it's worth, I would say don't try to force it. Hope is a powerful thing and is hard to kill. I'm not saying it means she's going to come back - they rarely do - but be kind to yourself. Don't expect to be able to shut your hope down just 6 weeks after such a devastating shock.

 

I really have walked the road you're on. It sucks, there's no two ways about it. But you'll make it through, and you will eventually find the right relationship with the right woman at the right time. The reason I haven't been on the breakup forum in awhile is that I finally did meet the man of my dreams in 2009, and we got married last month.

 

Good luck to you!

 

Thanks for your kind words. It's just an experience that I can't make sense of, and if we never talk again, I'll never get those answers. Did she make a sudden and hasty decision, or did she contemplate this for some time? Only she knows for sure. And I KNOW that she loved, and maybe still does, love me. You can feel it when somebody loves you. You just do. Anybody can say the words "I love you," but I know that the she did. And it's all the more baffling as to why we can't be together anymore.

 

"I don't think I can love you the way you want to be loved or need to be loved." WTF does that even mean? Especially when I know she loved/loves me. Why would you even worry about what I'm getting when I don't feel neglected? I don't know how much she was leveling with me when she broke it off. Is that statement just some meaningless BS fluff, or was she honestly articulating her feelings as best as she could? Only she knows. Nobody on this forum, nobody who knows her, can answer that question. Only she can.

 

And I know that there is absolutely no reason to break NC unless she contacts me first.

[Am4Real]

I finally did meet the man of my dreams in 2009, and we got married last month.

 

Good luck to you!

 

 

Awesome!!!! ;-)