My fiancee left me out of the blue

[GreenPolicy]

Graceful,

 

I know I need to focus on moving forward and healing. But would it be fair to say that what my ex wants right now is far more emotionally shallow after being with me? Like the last thing she wants is settling down and getting married? She would rather have a situation where the guys emotional output and commitment matches hers? I don't think it's any coincidence the r/l crashed and burned when I tried to take things to the next level, even though for so long she initiated and responded enthusiastically to marriage talk.

[strangeways]

Graceful,

 

I know I need to focus on moving forward and healing. But would it be fair to say that what my ex wants right now is far more emotionally shallow after being with me? Like the last thing she wants is settling down and getting married? She would rather have a situation where the guys emotional output and commitment matches hers? I don't think it's any coincidence the r/l crashed and burned when I tried to take things to the next level, even though for so long she initiated and responded enthusiastically to marriage talk.

 

My take on it (and I may well be wrong) is yes. I have an idea of a reset button. They get to a certain point of commitment then run, hit the reset button and start all over again in another realtionship. It's a relief, no more worrying (commitment), freedom (at least for a while). Rinse and repeat. I'm sure Grace has said this before in one form or another in another post.

Edited December 27, 2010 by strangeways

[GreenPolicy]

My take on it (and I may well be wrong) is yes. I have an idea of a reset button. They get to a certain point of commitment then run, hit the reset button and start all over again in another realtionship. It's a relief, no more worrying (commitment), freedom (at least for a while). Rinse and repeat. I'm sure Grace has said this before in one form or another in another post.

 

I guess I just have to be reassured that this is not my fault, and that's part of healing and moving on. Any person trying to tie her down at this point of her life is going to hit that wall. It's been 71 days, which is an eternity for a woman on the market. I'm sure she is well on her way to a rebound situation, but I have enacted NC in such a way that I have no way to get news of her doings. It's part of forcing myself to move forward. I've been told by people with far more experience than I that she will most likely enter into shallow rebound situations that don't involve commitment and future plans together.

[GreenPolicy]

Again, I have to move on, but it's just amazing how somebody can go from being emotionally invested in a r/l to wanting out in a short space of time. This is something I believe she contemplated for weeks, not months.

[Graceful]

Graceful,

 

I know I need to focus on moving forward and healing. But would it be fair to say that what my ex wants right now is far more emotionally shallow after being with me? Like the last thing she wants is settling down and getting married? She would rather have a situation where the guys emotional output and commitment matches hers? I don't think it's any coincidence the r/l crashed and burned when I tried to take things to the next level, even though for so long she initiated and responded enthusiastically to marriage talk.

My take on it (and I may well be wrong) is yes. I have an idea of a reset button. They get to a certain point of commitment then run, hit the reset button and start all over again in another realtionship. It's a relief, no more worrying (commitment), freedom (at least for a while).

GP,

She will go back to her comfort zone, which is all she really knows, which you could term "emotionally shallow" or just plain NSA (no strings attached) type of relationship. And yes, she will either seek out someone on her level, or even below it (the only way she can feel emotionally superior, and/or justify the breakup she will eventually implement). Remember when I told you that you made her feel like an emotional failure? This is all part of that package. When she was with someone who wanted more from her (you), and she could not produce the emotions to match her words, she bailed.

 

It is not a coincidence in any way, shape or form that she bailed when the heat became too much for her to bear. This is why it did seem to come out of the blue for you. Things did not really heat up until you began to really solidify your plans to get engaged. So I agree, she did not think about this for many months, things were copacetic during that period, it was not until the final stretch, as I said previously also, that you blew her cover, so to speak. It was like turning up the heat from luke warm (comfortable for her) to hot (unbearable for her).

 

So I do agree with your basic assessment.

 

Also, some of us are trying to help you move forward by not re-hashing your ex's personal history. That does not mean you can't (or won't) have lingering questions that you wonder about or want to talk about, and you should feel free to do that. Please don't feel you can't ask a question or vent or that there's something wrong with the idea you are still trying to get your head around what happened.

 

Rinse and repeat. I'm sure Grace has said this before in one form or another in another post.

strangeways, it's WASH, rinse and repeat. Edited December 27, 2010 by Graceful

[GreenPolicy]

One thing I realize is that reconciliation is really a moot point. Even if I got her back, I would never feel at ease, always wondering when she might walk out again.

 

So basically everything was peachy and great on her end because I was treating her well and giving her love, and the relationship was very enjoyable on a day to day basis. And when it came to marriage talk, why not from her perspective? This guy (me) is this wonderful guy who is treating her better then any guy ever has, is showing her love she's always wanted. Her parents and friends approve.

 

However, there is a due bill. And that due bill is that we won't just talk about marriage. We won't just try to arrange a dinner between both sets of parents. There comes a time when concrete action moving forward will take place. She probably thought she would be able to handle taking things forward, otherwise she would have popped the brakes on the marriage talk from the beginning.

[strangeways]

One thing I realize is that reconciliation is really a moot point. Even if I got her back, I would never feel at ease, always wondering when she might walk out again.

 

So basically everything was peachy and great on her end because I was treating her well and giving her love, and the relationship was very enjoyable on a day to day basis. And when it came to marriage talk, why not from her perspective? This guy (me) is this wonderful guy who is treating her better then any guy ever has, is showing her love she's always wanted. Her parents and friends approve.

 

However, there is a due bill. And that due bill is that we won't just talk about marriage. We won't just try to arrange a dinner between both sets of parents. There comes a time when concrete action moving forward will take place. She probably thought she would be able to handle taking things forward, otherwise she would have popped the brakes on the marriage talk from the beginning.

 

Healthy relationships move forward towards a comittment. She probably thought she could get married but couldn't, probably wanted to but couldn't. For me the trigger was moving in together.

 

As to reconciliation. You're right, you'd never be able to trust her again. I have this feeling that my ex probably couldn't even look me in the eye now. I suspect I represent, to her, her failings, fears and anxieties, guilt whatever. She's also very good at compartmentalising stuff, shutting off those emotions. This is probably why she's never got in touch and that's why I doubt I'll ever see or hear from her again. A sobering thought after all that was said and done.

 

That's why I've got no choice but to move forward. The decision to end it wasn't mine. I didn't do anything wrong. I have no guilt or regret, only loss and hurt to deal with. Same applies to you I think.

 

I'm doing OK, I'm getting there, and you will too.

[GreenPolicy]

So she'll seek out probably a casual rebound thing, as a way to "move on" and fill the void of my lost companionship. And a big part of not hearing from her since that day is because she does not want to deal with the guilt of hurting me. It's why she made the b/u such a one-sided affair. She will probably want to avoid at all costs any kind of introspection over this.

 

And the timing appears to make more sense: two weeks before we had gone to a jewelry convention to look at bands together, and she dumped me two days after I told her about a job interview for a second gig to pay for the ring, one day before the interview would take place. She didn't want me to go through with that on her behalf.

[strangeways]

And a big part of not hearing from her since that day is because she does not want to deal with the guilt of hurting me. It's why she made the b/u such a one-sided affair. She will probably want to avoid at all costs any kind of introspection over this.

 

I'd say yes. She just doesn't want to deal with it and talking to you would bring all these emotions back.

 

I know what my ex will be doing. She'll be getting drunk, getting high (coke, mdma, ecstasy, you name it) and getting laid. This is her comfort zone. She won't be thinking about me at all. That's what she always does when she runs from something. Any feelings of affection or love will be buried very deeply if they exist at all.

Edited December 27, 2010 by strangeways

[GreenPolicy]

I read an article today about attachment theory as it relates to romantic relationships. The idea is that as adults we mimic the attachment patterns we have as children with our parents.

 

All people roughly fall into three categories: secure, anxious and avoidant. About half the population falls into the secure category, while the rest falls into anxious and avoidant, with some combination of the two.

 

Secure attachers give their love freely, pursue goals in relationships with clarity and honesty, have a baseline of self-esteem and want intimacy and commitment.

 

Anxious attachers constantly worry about the love they're getting from their S.O., worry about infidelity, and need to be constantly reassured that their partner loves them.

 

Avoidant attachers do not like their S.O. getting too close and have issues with intimacy and commitment. Most people exhibit traits from more than one group.

 

I think I am starting to see what Graceful meant by us being an emotional mismatch. Forgetting whether nature or nurture explains how she is, she is definitely an avoidant attacher, whereas I am a secure attacher with a few anxious traits which surface when I sense a partner is pulling away.

[GreenPolicy]

 

Stand strong, GP!! Xmas is over, just get through the next week and I am sure you will feel a lot better.

 

 

It's weird. My head is I think where it needs to be. It's like, how long do I want to be miserable and mope over this situation? Why am I directing so much mental energy to a person that has chosen to move on and live life without me? I have had so many people tell me that I am lucky and I dodged a 'crazy' bullet. I know a lot of times dumpees blame the dumper and say they have 'issues' to dodge their responsibility in the ending of a relationship. I don't know what I could have done differently when the feedback I got was somebody enthusiastically sharing my vision for a future together. I loved her, I was happy when I was with her, I treated her right, so what should I have done to get a different outcome? The answer is nothing.

 

I feel like I have some soul-searching to do over how I could have missed certain signs about who she is and fallen for such a person. I honestly accepted her answer about not being able to sustain long-term rel'ships with "Well, she just hasn't found the right person yet."

[PowerOfOne]

Hey GP,

 

I know exactly how you feel. I'm in the same place. I look back at our relationship and wonder what i could have done better. The honest answer is nothing. All those things you mentioned above i was the same. She knew i loved her, i was affectionate, i shared my life with her, i got on well with her family and friends, a never lied, abused or treated her with disrespect.

 

During my downs I blame myself and my that i wasn't good enough for her. But then an up will come and I put it back on her. She was 23, finished uni, had her dream job and had all these big life moments coming up. We were just in different places, had different paths and I have to accept that.

 

Sometimes i think she'll come back when she realises that life isn't going to be as glamerous as she thinks. And others I feel so rejected that I wasn't good enough, that a better guy could have kept her. I'm still riding the rollercoaster.

 

So you're not alone. I'm going though the same thing.

[GreenPolicy]

Almost 11 weeks since the b/u. I accept that I got involved with somebody with intimacy and commitment issues. I accept that until she gets her **** together, a ltr is not possible. I accept they by the time she ever did cone back around, which is extremely unlikely anyways, I will have most likely moved on and met somebody else. The irony is that if they do come back, it's when you've finally gotten past the heartbreak and are indifferent to them and what they do.

 

But it's been 11 weeks now for an attractive single female. It is a sickening feeling to know I will be replaced and this may have already happened. I have to pick up the pieces and she gets to go on with her merry way. I know I sm responsible for my happiness and it's my choice to either mope and be miserable or move on. I am just tired of this pain. How do I shift my focus from her, what she may or may not be doing, and who she may or may not be doing it with? It's just reality at this point she will date other guys instead of coming back to me. Why does my heart lag my head when my head knows she's damaged goods in a way?

[GreenPolicy]

Please excuse all the typos in the previous post. I pecked this out on my iPhone.

[GreenPolicy]

I am so angry! I am angry that she gets to move on and go her merry way and I have to pick up the pieces. I am angry that she made a commitment and backed out without ever opening up and confiding in me her fears, doubts and concerns. I am angry at being treated with such disrespect. I am angry that enough time has passed that she is not going to come back, she is going to date other guys, this may have already happened, and as more time passes, it becomes a certainty. And she will most likely return to her previous dating patterns and go out with guys who are not worthy of her, who are not as good as me.

 

I am angry that there are no more good times, no more memories to be made together, that she threw away a good thing without looking back. I am angry that leaving when she did, she kicked me when I was down. I am angry that because of how things ended, it is becoming increasingly harder to remember and emphasize the best and most positive aspects of our time together, and instead I am left with the feelings and emotions that are conjured up by the breakup. I am angry that the girl I thought she was does not exist, and I have to look at her in a new light. That even though in many respects she is a wonderful person, and I would not have fallen in love with her otherwise, our relationship had a fatal flaw. I am angry that my heart has yet to catch up to my head, and it has not yet sunk in on an emotional level that this is probably for the best. I am angry that I cannot stop fixating and obsessing over this and just "let it go."

 

I am angry that I have to start over from scratch, square one, whereas as an attractive female, she will have no trouble attracting suitors right away. I am angry that although this too will pass in time, I am afraid that many many months and years from now, whenever her memory surfaces, I will feel an ache and melancholic feeling as opposed to remembering how good the relationship was for so long. I am angry that even if she did come back at this point, deep down on an intellectual level I know that is not a good idea, that she needs to gain confidence in who she is as a person, in her ability to sustain a relationship, before things would work out between us. What ails her is not going to be fixed in a 3 or 4 couples counseling sessions. I am angry that she probably does not see any problem at all in what she did and how she handled the end of the relationship. I have had so many people tell me that I am lucky, that it is a good thing that she ended things when she did, that at this point in her life, she is just not cut out for a lasting, committed relationship, and I saved myself future pain. I know that's true, but I am angry that my heart has trouble accepting that. I am angry that she does not seem to realize that the kind of stable, mature relationship we had is a pretty rare thing, and she threw it away. I am angry that I cannot help her in any way and she has to figure things out on her own, and probably has future heartache and misfortune ahead of her, and there is nothing I can do to prevent that. So angry!

[mmiller5373]

Green, I understand you completely, bro. I'm going through this angry thing too. I constantly find myself thinking about things and then saying to myself, Wow, she is a B****. I can't believe someone could do this to me. I can't believe someone could let go of something that lasted so long. I can't believe she's so mean, after everything I did for her and her family. I can't believe...

 

...the list goes on and on. But we can't keep thinking like that. We have to look at the positives. I'm finally starting to see the positives about my ex being gone from my life. Your ex clearly has some commitment problems. You're better off without her. Think how messed up you'd be if you guys did get married. Or if on your wedding day, she never showed up. It's tough, I know man. Just keep looking at the positives.

[GreenPolicy]

Well, the thing about anger is I need to let it go. It does me no good and gets me nowhere. I think it's okay to feel angry at times, but I don't want to dwell in it.

 

I know on an intellectual level she's no good to me in a ltr, but your heart only wants to remember the good times.

[suddendumpee]

Green,

 

I could have written your "angry" post word for word. I feel the same way. Its amazing how universal these feelings are. Its so cruel that a dumper can do this as I STILL have the feeling that she MUST eventually see what she has lost, as everything was so "perfect". It just doesn't make sense that they could just walk away. I hate harboring this anger and bitterness...its just not me. I've always been a positive person. Then again, I've never allowed myself to be duped like this. For once, I put my heart of the line in a relationship, and this is how it turns out. Sooo angry!

[Graceful]

I could have written your "angry" post word for word. I feel the same way. Its amazing how universal these feelings are. Its so cruel that a dumper can do this as I STILL have the feeling that she MUST eventually see what she has lost, as everything was so "perfect". It just doesn't make sense that they could just walk away.

I hate harboring this anger and bitterness...its just not me. I've always been a positive person. Then again, I've never allowed myself to be duped like this. For once, I put my heart of the line in a relationship, and this is how it turns out. Sooo angry!

It is you, and you are still a positive person. It really bothers me when I see people say "this isn't me" -- well, yes it is you. You've had a button pushed, or two or three or 20 buttons for that matter, that were never pushed in this way before. So you are finding out what rage, not just anger, but rage, really feels like. You just never felt this way before.

 

I know I was dumbfounded as to how I felt. I felt like a pod person. I didn't even recognize myself.

 

We are all born with a full set of buttons. It's just a matter of who pushes them, how badly they are pushed, what the situation is, and the extent of the pain that gets your blood pumping in ways you never knew you were capable of.

 

Anger serves a purpose. It should pass in a healthy person, with time. When the pain subsides, the anger should go with it. Anger should not last and become a permanent part of your thoughts. And it won't.

 

Ride it out now, get rid of it. Your old self, the one you like, will re-emerge, you'll see. Don't feel that just b/c this one person did not respect your feelings, no one else will. You put your heart on the line, which was the right thing to do, because that's the way you felt. Don't blame yourself one bit for being true to your heart!

 

In the future, you will put your heart on the line for the right person, and how sweet that is going to be -- just wait.

[GreenPolicy]

It is you, and you are still a positive person. It really bothers me when I see people say "this isn't me" -- well, yes it is you. You've had a button pushed, or two or three or 20 buttons for that matter, that were never pushed in this way before. So you are finding out what rage, not just anger, but rage, really feels like. You just never felt this way before.

 

I know I was dumbfounded as to how I felt. I felt like a pod person. I didn't even recognize myself.

 

We are all born with a full set of buttons. It's just a matter of who pushes them, how badly they are pushed, what the situation is, and the extent of the pain that gets your blood pumping in ways you never knew you were capable of.

 

Anger serves a purpose. It should pass in a healthy person, with time. When the pain subsides, the anger should go with it. Anger should not last and become a permanent part of your thoughts. And it won't.

 

Ride it out now, get rid of it. Your old self, the one you like, will re-emerge, you'll see. Don't feel that just b/c this one person did not respect your feelings, no one else will. You put your heart on the line, which was the right thing to do, because that's the way you felt. Don't blame yourself one bit for being true to your heart!

 

In the future, you will put your heart on the line for the right person, and how sweet that is going to be -- just wait.

 

Graceful, how long do these feelings of unfairness last? I alternate between sadness and anger. I also feel a lot of frustration over the helplessness of it all. In my case, I feel like this was a unilateral breakup and I never had any say or input in the end of the relationship. And while 2.5 months is not much time for a dumpee to recover from the heartache of lost love, it's eons of time for a an attractive female dumper to move on and date other people. It burns me up that most likely she is already involved with somebody else, while I am struggling to pick up the pieces of my heart and move on. My imagination is torturing me with all sorts of scenarios. One of my female friends has tried to assure me that the reality is probably never as bad as your imagination, and just because she may be involved with somebody does not mean she is happy. I've been told she probably felt a wave of euphoria and relief immediately after the b/u to get that off her shoulders, but that feeling fades in time. And because of who she is, she may be able to start over with somebody else and on the surface may seem like this doesn't faze her, but deep down where ever she goes, there she is, and she has to look at herself in the mirror. Do you think a person like this has any sense of contentment inside?

 

On an intellectual level, I think I understand what happened. But on an emotional level I certainly don't. It's still utterly incomprehensible to me. I'm trying to stop replaying certain events that happened like you said because they do me no good.

 

I've had so many people tell me that I am lucky to have dodged a bullet, and I will look back some day and be very happy that things turned out the way that they did, and that I will kick myself for spending so much time pining after her and wondering why I was so torn up over her. I've also had people tell me that because of how things were left between us with so much unfinished business, that she will go out and get her ass kicked by love, and there is a good chance that one day she will regret what she did and she may or may not reach out to me to apologize and make amends, but by that point I will have moved on and will be indifferent. But it's so hard for my heart to accept that. How much lag time generally is there between the head and the heart? I think on some level she knows I am probably the best thing that ever happened to her, romance-wise, but she just seems crazy to me on some level now.

 

One of my best friends had a long-term relationship with a girl right after college. They dated for a couple of years, they were madly in love. She had some major family drama, I think it created stress on the r/l, long story short, she dumped him. And I know he was devastated beyond belief. From what he told me, he was majorly affected by it for several months. But he eventually met somebody else who became his wife, and I'm sure when he looks over at his wife today, he is glad that things turned out the way that they did. I try to look at his example to keep me going.

[GreenPolicy]

Green, I understand you completely, bro. I'm going through this angry thing too. I constantly find myself thinking about things and then saying to myself, Wow, she is a B****. I can't believe someone could do this to me. I can't believe someone could let go of something that lasted so long. I can't believe she's so mean, after everything I did for her and her family. I can't believe...

 

...the list goes on and on. But we can't keep thinking like that. We have to look at the positives. I'm finally starting to see the positives about my ex being gone from my life. Your ex clearly has some commitment problems. You're better off without her. Think how messed up you'd be if you guys did get married. Or if on your wedding day, she never showed up. It's tough, I know man. Just keep looking at the positives.

 

You're right, I feel like I need a real attitude adjustment. I need to start focusing on what can be, not what can't. It's obvious that she can't sustain a r/l longer than a year because anytime somebody gets too close or starts to, she has problems with the intimacy of it. I feel like I'm in self-pity mode right now and I need to snap out of it. I'm not the first person to endure a brutal breakup. There are people out there in heartbreaking situations like a bad marriage that they feel they can't leave that would love to be in my shoes. A coworker of mine's son was murdered this past July. She would love to have my problem! I can replace my ex, she can't replace her son.

 

I keep going back to a line I read, which is that the only thing that can bring us out of our despair is hope. Not hope for a reconciliation, because those are very rare. One of the things we need to understand is that second chances are often times not what they are cracked up to be. What we need is hope for what our lives can be without our exes, not just the hope and certainty that we will love and be loved again, but the hope of what we can find to fill the void in the meantime. You don't want to be pining for what is lost and impatiently waiting around for whoever is going to come next into our lives.

[mmiller5373]

You're right, I feel like I need a real attitude adjustment. I need to start focusing on what can be, not what can't. It's obvious that she can't sustain a r/l longer than a year because anytime somebody gets too close or starts to, she has problems with the intimacy of it. I feel like I'm in self-pity mode right now and I need to snap out of it. I'm not the first person to endure a brutal breakup. There are people out there in heartbreaking situations like a bad marriage that they feel they can't leave that would love to be in my shoes. A coworker of mine's son was murdered this past July. She would love to have my problem! I can replace my ex, she can't replace her son.

 

I keep going back to a line I read, which is that the only thing that can bring us out of our despair is hope. Not hope for a reconciliation, because those are very rare. One of the things we need to understand is that second chances are often times not what they are cracked up to be. What we need is hope for what our lives can be without our exes, not just the hope and certainty that we will love and be loved again, but the hope of what we can find to fill the void in the meantime. You don't want to be pining for what is lost and impatiently waiting around for whoever is going to come next into our lives.

 

It's true. There are worse situations out there than what the two of us are dealing with. Take this for example; one of my friends told me a story about a close friend of his. This guy was in a band, living the dream, even touring in Europe. Well, he meets this girl, who's also in a band. They fall in love, get married, and have kids. Now, he's living the dream even more.

 

Well, she ends up telling him that he needs to quit playing music, so, he does. He starts working as a programmer for a few years. Then, out of nowhere, he gets diagnosed with MS. Struggles with it for years. It gets to the point where he's pretty much paralyzed; he can't perform with his wife. He has to quit his job and ends up staying home all day, feeling sorry for himself.

 

What happens? His wife ends up cheating on him and files for divorce.

 

Pretty awful story. Everytime I get down on myself I think of that story.

[Graceful]

Graceful, how long do these feelings of unfairness last? I alternate between sadness and anger. I also feel a lot of frustration over the helplessness of it all. In my case, I feel like this was a unilateral breakup and I never had any say or input in the end of the relationship.

GP,

If I knew, or if there was a meter we could all use to put a timeline on these feelings, I'd be a rich woman.

 

But seriously, there is also a point where you can say that you are just sick of yourself and the way you feel, and turn the ship around just by giving yourself a swift kick once in a while.

 

Easier said than done, but it's true. You should not belittle your situation, but you should be able to recognize that your situation is NOT the END OF THE WORLD.

 

It is a temporary setback for you. It's not permanent. Don't make it a permanent head setback. The fear that you'll never feel better or find someone is a mindset -- that is all. And you can change that mind set.

 

And while 2.5 months is not much time for a dumpee to recover from the heartache of lost love, it's eons of time for a an attractive female dumper to move on and date other people. It burns me up that most likely she is already involved with somebody else, while I am struggling to pick up the pieces of my heart and move on. My imagination is torturing me with all sorts of scenarios.

We have discussed this and I understand how hard it is to stop.

 

But you have not identified, and you need to, when your mind goes to that dark place, to STOP. I have known people that wear elastic bands on a wrist and they "SNAP" the band when their minds wander over to those torture chambers. They SNAP the band, and it snaps them out of the thought.

 

Your ex is not the only attractive single woman in the world. And so what if she is dating? She is still the same person. She didn't change. Anyone that goes out with her is getting the same treatment, or will get the same treatment. Stop romanticizing her life!! It's not a bed of roses!!

 

And to be very blunt, it's not your business anyhow, so stop wasting your brain cells and your strength on something that is a waste of your time, that hurts you, that tortures you, that is not productive, and above all, is a figment of your imagination.

 

Instead, start picturing yourself as a man with a future with someone who wants you, who deserves you, who will love you, who wants the same things you do, who is honest and true and genuine, who will light up your world, and whose face will light up when you are around, who will be there for you and who will appreciate that you want to be there for her, and a relationship where you and she bring out the best in each other.

 

That is where your mind needs to go. Forward. Onward. If you keep looking back, you might not even see what's right in front of your face because you will be facing in the wrong direction.

 

While I do not think you are ready to date, the only way you are going to find out down the road, is to try again. You have to put your toe in the water to find out what temperature the water is. And you will, when you're ready.

[melenkurion]

And to be very blunt, it's not your business anyhow, so stop wasting your brain cells and your strength on something that is a waste of your time, that hurts you, that tortures you, that is not productive, and above all, is a figment of your imagination.

 

I have to say Graceful, that post just happened to come at a perfect time for me. I needed to hear those words myself.

[GreenPolicy]

recognize that your situation is NOT the END OF THE WORLD.

 

It is a temporary setback for you. It's not permanent. Don't make it a permanent head setback. The fear that you'll never feel better or find someone is a mindset -- that is all. And you can change that mind set.

 

That's what I'm working on. It is a fear right now. I just don't want it to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. There is something dispiriting about having to start over from scratch. Even though pretty much everybody who has heard my story says she is ****ed up with emotional problems and is not good long-term SO potential and I dodged a bullet, I want my heart to catch up to my head. It won't happen, but even if she did come back at this point, I'd be walking on egg shells wondering when she'd walk out again.

 

I saw this movie Cyrus last weekend and the John C. Reilly character was this sad-sack character who had been divorced for seven years and had never gotten over it. I don't want to be that character.

 

That is where your mind needs to go. Forward. Onward. If you keep looking back, you might not even see what's right in front of your face because you will be facing in the wrong direction.

 

Today has been another bad day, but I will say that yesterday was my first good day since the b/u. I applied back in November for a volunteer position with Dallas Animal Services. They called yesterday to set up an interview. I went to an Al-Anon meeting Tuesday night and felt very welcomed and plan on going back. Not only do I think it will help me cope with my dad, but I think some of the lessons I learn in there will help with the b/u. Last night I also met a buddy of mine I went to high school with for Happy Hour after work. I actually had a good time, we hung out and talked sports and stuff, and I found myself genuinely having a good time. And at the end, I said "Let's make this a Wednesday night tradition," and he agreed. One of my goals is to strengthen and expand my support network of friends and family. Iv'e also been going to the gym most nights instead of sitting at home.

 

I went to a session with my therapist today, and she said that most everybody has to endure a bad b/u at some point in their lives, but they either numb the pain with drugs or alcohol, or just rely on time to take care of it and heal incompletely. She said she was proud of me for taking constructive steps to move forward and build something for myself outside of my ex, and that although it doesn't take the pain away right now, it's important to fully face the pain and work through it instead of trying to avoid it. She said she was proud of me.

 

She also echoed what you said about my ex, that wherever she goes, she brings her problems with her, and if she couldn't be happy and content with a guy like me, she's not going to be happy on her own or with somebody else after the honeymoon phase of a r/l wears off, and I need to stop focusing on her and what she may be doing since she's no longer in my life.

 

While I do not think you are ready to date, the only way you are going to find out down the road, is to try again. You have to put your toe in the water to find out what temperature the water is. And you will, when you're ready.

 

On the one hand, I know I cannot rush into a rebound relationship. I must work through my grief and heal. On the other hand, I cannot be a hermit and pass on an opportunity for something good to enter my life again. I have a profile up on OKCupid and I have a date next week. It's something to look forward to. My therapist told me to be wary of looking for my ex in potential new partners and to just take the experiences for what they are. I look at it as getting my "mojo" back by learning how to date again, and who knows, I might meet somebody that really knocks my socks off.