Leandro Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 I might meet somebody that really knocks my socks off. Might?? You WILL!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreenPolicy Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 I feel ill. She broke NC to make arrangements to get her bike back over email. I feel awful bc it's the final nail in the coffin. Also my friend has it and doesn't want to deal with arranging to give it back to her, which means I have to see her to hand it off. Composure wise, I guess I have to act upbeat like I don't have a care in the world. And I know I can't bring up any r/l talk. This hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreenPolicy Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 My grandfather died last Thursday and I've been with my family ever since, and she pops up at the worst possible moment to deliver the final nail in the coffin. I didn't even break NC, and I feel like I've been taken back to Day 1 of the b/u. I got two hours of sleep last night. She is coming by Wednesday yo get the bike and I am dreading it. Her response to my final letter is to maintain 2.5 months of radio silence, then ask for her bike back, a task she should have taken care of months ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Ajax Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Is she aware of what's going on in your life? You need to take care of your family and yourself first. She can get her bike back when it's convinient for you and on your terms. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreenPolicy Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Is she aware of what's going on in your life? You need to take care of your family and yourself first. She can get her bike back when it's convinient for you and on your terms. No she doesn't. The funeral is tomorrow. Wednesday she is coming by. I was told not to break NC to tell her to get her stuff. Now I wish I had. It feels like she is breaking up with me again. Link to post Share on other sites
Graceful Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 No she doesn't. The funeral is tomorrow. Wednesday she is coming by. I was told not to break NC to tell her to get her stuff. Now I wish I had. It feels like she is breaking up with me again. Is it possible for you to leave the bike outside, or in the back of the house / building where you live? Or is someone available to do this for you? You need to do anything and everything possible to ensure you do not hand the bike off yourself. She is not breaking up with you "again" -- it's been over a long time, if anything, if you have kept a shred of hope alive, the hope is now fully gone, you have your final closure, that's a good thing. It's time you see her for who she is, someone who turned the page and never looked back. It's best you know that than continue to wonder. Also, GP, terribly sorry about your grandfather. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreenPolicy Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 My friend lives two blocks away and actually has the bike. I asked him to take care of it and he didn't want to. Link to post Share on other sites
Ajax Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 My friend lives two blocks away and actually has the bike. I asked him to take care of it and he didn't want to. Ask him again. Clearly you did him a favor by loaning him the bike right? A good friend would look at your situation and realize that you shouldn't be put in that situation. Geez GP, if I could I'd get the bike and give it back to her for you. But I'd probably let a little air out of the tires first Link to post Share on other sites
Graceful Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 My friend lives two blocks away and actually has the bike. I asked him to take care of it and he didn't want to. I don't understand how your friend can abandon you about this ... does he live in a house or a building? If it's a house, just stick the bike outside at the appointed time she is supposed to pick it up. If it's a building, stick the bike down near the doorway, wait til she buzzes to be let in, she can take the bike on her own and let herself out. Is it more complicated than that? Gee, doesn't your friend know what you have been going through? No matter what you do, I hope there is a way that she can take the bike on her own and avoid having to actually see her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreenPolicy Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 I don't understand how your friend can abandon you about this ... does he live in a house or a building? If it's a house, just stick the bike outside at the appointed time she is supposed to pick it up. He's been a real ******* about all of this. He was like "I'll take care of it if I have to, but you should be the one to do it." If it's a building, stick the bike down near the doorway, wait til she buzzes to be let in, she can take the bike on her own and let herself out. Is it more complicated than that? Gee, doesn't your friend know what you have been going through? No matter what you do, I hope there is a way that she can take the bike on her own and avoid having to actually see her. It pisses me off she waited three months to take care of this. She could have gone and gotten her mom's van at any time. The way my apartment building is laid out, there is a fence with a gate and you need a code, and then there is a door that leads up the stairwell to my apartment unit. I guess at the appointed time I will set the bike out by the outside fence. Link to post Share on other sites
Hhhh Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 It might be commitment issues or you might have created this issue in your mind to help you cope. Seems to me she is a serial dater and never happen with what she has no matter how good the relationship. Craziness, people like this will never find true happiness, just love the being in love and going through the honeymoon phase. When the phase fades they try so hard to keep it alive and when they realize its impossible they break up with you and try to find it again with someone new. All the marriage and ring talk is nonsense. That's her trying to make the relationship exciting with something new. These books im reading are really helping me understand some relationships better. When i start another relationship i'll probably be better at it and will be able to read my girlfriend like a book. Link to post Share on other sites
suddendumpee Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 What books? Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreenPolicy Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 I guess what I need for closure, to be able to let go and move on, is to say to myself that it's okay to continue to love her, not in a pining for her, wanting to get back together, she is the only one for me, kind of way...but an appreciation for the great year that we had together. Love that is recognition of what she meant to me, the joy and happiness I felt and we shared when she was in my life. Love that recognizes that I grew as a person, learned a lot, got to have something special in my life, and hopefully left her a better person and helped give her an idea of what a solid, loving, nurturing relationship can be like after her relationship history. Despite how things ended, and despite how poorly she treated me at the end, I do not want that to make me bitter and color how I feel about her and the relationship. She has demonstrated a lack of maturity and some character flaws, but she also has wonderful qualities that allowed me to fall in love in the first place. If she can't be with me, then I hope someday she meets a guy like me who will take care of her and treat her right and she can overcome some of these issues that she has. This relationship will always occupy a tiny slice of real estate in my heart. I want to love again, and I realize that in order for that to happen I need to let go for good and be open to other possibilities. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreenPolicy Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Her response to my final letter is to maintain 2.5 months of radio silence, then ask for her bike back, a task she should have taken care of months ago. She doesn't know about my granddad, but this is something she should have taken care of when she broke up with me. She had a lot of wonderful qualities for me to fall in love with her, but she has treated me like such **** when i never mistreated her and loved her. You want out of the r/l, that's your right to leave, but you dont have to treat me with such cruelty. It hurts to think I fell in love with somebody who needs to grow up. I want to hang on to the positives and try to remember the good of what we shared together, but she is making that almost impossible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreenPolicy Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 I guess this is how she breaks up, just burns bridges so totally instead of being mature and compassionate Link to post Share on other sites
Ajax Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 I guess this is how she breaks up, just burns bridges so totally instead of being mature and compassionate That's how my ex apparently does things too, although she hasn't broken NC in over 4 months. I too am sorry about your grandfather. I lost mine four years ago and I know it hurts. All the more reason to keep away from your ex. Feel free to bounce any ideas off us if you want to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreenPolicy Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 That's how my ex apparently does things too, although she hasn't broken NC in over 4 months. I too am sorry about your grandfather. I lost mine four years ago and I know it hurts. All the more reason to keep away from your ex. Feel free to bounce any ideas off us if you want to. I just don't want to be bitter over this, but she's making it hard. I'll chalk it up to immaturity and fear instead of severe character flaws. Link to post Share on other sites
Graceful Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 He's been a real ******* about all of this. He was like "I'll take care of it if I have to, but you should be the one to do it." I don't want to say anything more about your friend that you don't already know ... very selfish. Gee, we're talking about something that would take him 5 minutes, tops. And it would help YOU. I see what you mean about the gated community you live in, but the idea to put the bike out at the appointed time as I was suggesting is the best idea and all you can do. And while I do think it's much better to think back on someone you once cared for with fondness, I do not think you need to go overboard on it right now. You should not be lavishing her with so much praise, it is not necessary. I don't care if you wanted to marry her, she bailed on you, she was not the person you thought she was, she treated you like crap, so please, take off the rose-tinted glasses and take the crown off her head. At this stage of your healing, you should not be speaking of her on the same terms you did when you were with her. Cut the compliments. Fine to wish her well, fine to think back on her with warmth, but leave it at that. It pisses me off she waited three months to take care of this. Expressing more of your anger would probably be a better idea ... Her response to my final letter is to maintain 2.5 months of radio silence, then ask for her bike back, a task she should have taken care of months ago. She doesn't know about my granddad, but this is something she should have taken care of when she broke up with me. She had a lot of wonderful qualities for me to fall in love with her, but she has treated me like such **** when i never mistreated her and loved her. There you go ... this needs to be said and felt. This is going to help you. Then you can let go of the anger in due time, but honestly, venting is a appropriate and perhaps overdue for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreenPolicy Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 Graceful, it seems calculated. "I will be so *****y to this guy who treated me great and burn bridges to totally destroy any chances of getting back together. I'll do this so he can get over me faster." Or it could be that this is just how she dumps guys, totally disposes of them like garbage, whether it's some loser she got tired of after a two month fling, or a wonderful guy she got serious with and cared about and loved her. We can't be friends, but there's no need to part on a note of bitterness and ill will. You're free to leave, but it doesn't help things to depart in such a selfish and cowardly way. Link to post Share on other sites
Graceful Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 GP, No way is it calculated to ensure she is destroying any chance of a reconciliation, or "helping" you get over her. Please? She's just doing her thing. Or it could be that this is just how she dumps guys, totally disposes of them like garbage, whether it's some loser she got tired of after a two month fling, or a wonderful guy she got serious with and cared about and loved her. I'm sorry to say this. I got treated the same way, and felt the same exact way, in fact, used the same words: treated me and my life like garbage. I hope the bike transfer goes off without a hitch, this was not what you needed at all. I am sorry she caused this disruption. Put your focus on your family, give your grandfather his proper respects tomorrow, and try to focus your mind. That's more important, if only for a day. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Graceful, it seems calculated. "I will be so *****y to this guy who treated me great and burn bridges to totally destroy any chances of getting back together. I'll do this so he can get over me faster." Or it could be that this is just how she dumps guys, totally disposes of them like garbage, whether it's some loser she got tired of after a two month fling, or a wonderful guy she got serious with and cared about and loved her. We can't be friends, but there's no need to part on a note of bitterness and ill will. You're free to leave, but it doesn't help things to depart in such a selfish and cowardly way. It might not seem like it right now, but you will look back on this experience and be glad that you had it. If nothing else, you have had the opportunity to find out how unreliable people can be before getting married to them. She is who she is. You can't change that. Nobody can. Be glad that she at least had just enough honesty in her to force herself to see that before you both went in too deeply. It would have been nice if that realization would have occurred sooner, but it at least happened now. To be honest, it may not be so much her natural character as much as it is just a lack of social maturity. I went through a phase in my life when I was a bit self-absorbed when I dated, and I know I hurt other women. I didn't mean to, but I did. I wasn't mentally prepared for serious commitments. I did tell them from the beginning that I wasn't really ready for marriage, and that I wasn't looking for marriage, but still, people have hopes. People hope that things will change. But my feelings didn't change, and I hurt people in the process. I should have realized all of that. I didn't. Once in a while, I wonder what happened to them and hope they're doing well. I don't think your ex is necessarily a bad person, but she's bad marriage material. It sucks now, but you're better off. You've been spared potentially years of wasted time and pain. I think what you gotta do is to be a better judge of character and maturity. Interview your dates. I don't mean formally, but maybe on the second or third date just start asking questions. Ask them about their long term plans. Think about how they respond. Ask some questions about their past, like asking them what they've accomplished. What are some commitments they've kept. What are some hard times they've endured? How did they surmount those challenges? Think of ways to word the questions so that they don't sound like a job interview, but just put some thought into it. Also, think about what they do. Are they on time for dates? Are they responsive to your needs? Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreenPolicy Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 Graceful, I'll be honest. There's another reason I have trouble kicking her off the pedestal. I'm about to turn 33. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 29. I had a real hard time relating to women up until then. My first gf was also a virgin, so we got to make all our first r/l mistakes with each other. She graduated from grad school and moved out of state to take a job. Circumstantial breakup. Parted amicably and on good terms. We might talk twice a year, and we are friendly. I had a couple FWB situations between her and my most recent ex. My most recent ex was my first real serious love, and as great as my r/l with my ex-ex was, this r/l blew it out of the water. I'm not trying to romanticize or idealize it, but I know that my most recent ex was very happy for almost the entire time we were together. I KNOW I had a profound effect on her. The way things have ended, it just feels...tarnished. And I am proud of the kind of bf I was, and it makes me feel good when she told me I was the best bf she ever had, and meant it when she said it. I know at the end of the day I was dumped, even if she made all these gestures she had never done before. But I feel this need to remember the r/l as special. It was to me, and I believe she had to have felt something for me she never felt for a guy before. Not enough for her to make a go of it and take that leap. I want to remember my first real love with fondness, so my heart doesn't harden in my grief. I need to continue to love her, not in a hope to get back together pining way, but just as a recognition of what she meant to me and the kind of effect that my love can have on another soul. I want to be proud of how I loved her. And I don't want to become cynical and be afraid to love again. Link to post Share on other sites
Graceful Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 GP, I don't disagree one iota that is it not only preferable, but wonderful, if you can look back on a past love with fondness. My ex ex is one of the most wonderful people I have ever known, and I never said anything bad about him, despite the fact my heart was crushed when our r/l ended. All I am saying is to keep it in perspective during the healing process. If she valued you, that is a great thing, and she did. At your age, it is very likely the next woman / women you meet will all have past loves, and to hear them speak disparagingly would be a big turn off, and I agree with that. At your age, it is not unusual to have a past love at all. I know you are seeing a therapist, so it might be a good topic of discussion with your therapist. No one is perfect, you, nor I, no one. We all strive to be better people our whole lives, that is all. The absence of flaws does not make someone perfect, and sometimes, it is the flaws that make someone even more beautiful. Maturity is not age-related. I've known 16-year olds who had more poise and presence and knowledge of human dynamics than some 35-year olds. That's just the way it is, we are all wired differently. Being bitter or hardened is an entirely different issue. That has nothing to do with putting your ex on the ground where she belongs with the rest of the human race, yourself included. Being special does not require being put on a pedestal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GreenPolicy Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 I hope the bike transfer goes off without a hitch, this was not what you needed at all. I am sorry she caused this disruption. Her timing is again impeccable: dumped me 40 hours after we put my dad in alcohol rehab, and asked for the bike in the middle of funeral arrangements for my grandfather. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Sorry to hear about your breakup. Being dumped out of the blue is the worst breakup you can go through. It can't get any worse! I can relate to this. I was dating a guy for almost a year. Everything seemed great, no fighting. Then he dumped me by text out of the blue, we weren't even LDR. To make it worse he insulted me aswell. He never once said he was unhappy. I'm so confused, how someone can just leave like that. Needless to say, we aren't friends. I still have no answers to this day. I was in love and could even see myself marrying him. Not anymore now. I look forward to finding someone way more mature than my ex will ever be. Link to post Share on other sites
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