My fiancee left me out of the blue

[GreenPolicy]

Lately I've started to feel better, and it makes me feel guilty, as if I've not honoring the love I had for her if I'm starting to feel better after three months and change. I think a few things are at play here:

 

1) Her coming back for the bike ended any shred of hope I had about getting back together and reconciling. So therefore no more mental energy should be expended on reunion scenarios.

 

2) Usually when you get dumped there is some sort of finality, closure and logic involved, even if you don't like or agree with the reasons for getting dumped. That didn't happen here, and I had to spend a lot of time obsessing and overanalyzing before I finally came to a conclusion about what happened. Since I'm pretty confident now in my understanding of why I got dumped (abandonment/intimacy/commitment issues), the subject is actually kind of boring at this point, and it's a waste of mental energy to try and "figure things out" anymore since I know what happened.

 

3) I have religiously stuck to NC. I am not trying to be friends with her, I don't contact her, I don't look at her facebook, I don't seek out information about her online or through her friends/family, I don't go places where I might run into her, I don't look at old pictures of us, I have removed mementos and all physical reminders of her, etc.

 

4) I have been going to Al-Anon meetings, I secured a volunteer position at Dallas Animal Services, I'm taking a vacation to San Francisco next weekend, I have a couple of prospects through online dating, I have a counselor I see on a regular basis who I can talk to this about and that has helped, I go to the gym at night when I don't have plans, I have made it a priority to reconnect with old friends and strengthen existing friendships...in other words I've been busy and doing things for myself as part of "moving on."

 

5) I think my heart is catching up to my head, or at least I'm listening to my head more and ignoring my heart. Whenever I think about my ex, I remind myself that even though at heart she's a good person and I would not have fallen in love with her if she didn't have a lot of great qualities, until she grows up and matures some, and solves her issues, she will never want to be in a relationship with me again, and I should not want to be in a relationship with her. She is not ready, willing or able to give me the kind of long-term commitment that I want. I tell myself that I was spared even worse pain in the future by her ending things now.

 

6) I think ending things with her on a note of grace and compassion has helped to give me a peace of mind. Even though she didn't deserve it, I made the decision to be the bigger person and send her off with a final memory of me that was a positive one. I know that down the line, after I finally get past the hurt and pain of losing her, I will have such peace of mind in knowing that I was a great boyfriend to her (she would be the first person to agree with that statement), it was not my fault the relationship ended, it was not my decision to end things, and I did EVERYTHING right in terms of how I treated her when we were together, and also in handling the breakup without sacrificing my dignity, self-respect and integrity. If there's any hope of ever rekindling things down the road, not that it's likely, I at least left that door open. And if not, I can at least not have a bad ending fester away at my conscience and soul. She, on the hand, while she got to end things on her terms and at a time and place of her choosing, long term she has to live with the consequences of her decision, and I don't think she is a person who is ultimately at peace with herself or has solved her problems. I don't see a happy ending for her until she does face her issues and works through to solve them.

 

7) My friends and family finally pulled me aside and basically gave me a "You need to pull yourself together and get ahold of yourself" ultimatum that helped me realize just how bad things had gotten in terms of feeling sorry for myself and how much I had let this affect me by wallowing in misery. Yes, it's okay to be sad and grieve. But I got to a point where I was letting my feelings control me, instead of me being in control of my feelings.

 

I was worried that actually feeling a little bit better after three months meant that I didn't love and care about her as deeply as I thought I did, but then I realized that the last three months of my life have been utter hell and if I didn't have such deep feelings for her, I would have shrugged off her leaving and felt better much sooner.

[Floridaman]

Not that it matters, but I do wonder down the line what she'll think about me. It was her loss, not mine. I wonder if she'll ever look back and realize what she gave up on. Short term, better to be her. She got to end the relationship at a time and place of her choosing. I had to adjust on the fly to something that I did not want. But long-term I think it's better to be me. She has not faced her demons. She has not confronted her problems. She might experience momentary happiness when she goes through the initial infatuation phase with every guy she starts up with again, but I wonder about her ability to be at peace with herself and find lasting happiness if she does not face up to what is inside of her. I do wonder what she will think of me down the line.

GP, I've read this entire thread and while all this devastated you, she's the real loser here. Look what she could have had.

 

The words you wrote in this thread and how you've dealt with this crisis have made you better... and stronger for future relationships.

 

All the best, GP.

[GreenPolicy]

GP, I've read this entire thread and while all this devastated you, she's the real loser here. Look what she could have had.

 

The words you wrote in this thread and how you've dealt with this crisis have made you better... and stronger for future relationships.

 

All the best, GP.

 

Thanks for your kind words, Floridaman. I know that in the long run I'm going to be okay. I feel bad for her, because I think she is in for some more pain in her life, and she could have saved a lot for both us by sticking with me.

 

Breakups can be amicable or end on a note of bitterness. This one was tragic, for both parties involved. But I am committed to learning from it, not letting it permanently affect my spirit, and moving on. She doesn't seem interested in confronting her problems.

[Floridaman]

Thanks for your kind words, Floridaman. I know that in the long run I'm going to be okay. I feel bad for her, because I think she is in for some more pain in her life, and she could have saved a lot for both us by sticking with me.

The visit to get the bicycle you described, she was almost stone cold with little feelings. Oh... how I can identify with that.

 

Know you didn't want to break NC, but I think it's good your so-called friend couldn't help you with the bike and you had to personally experience her reaction to you..

You saw how she's turned totally off towards you.

I know how much you wanted it to be so different...

I know it's hard to imagine, you two were so close and all those email messages up to the end that you described...

 

Sounds like when I had to retrieve my 12-speed I left at my former GF's house -- we dated 6 mos. and she had brought up getting engaged but soon turned around and kicked me to the curb... A friend drove me to her home on the other side of town and dropped me off so I could ride my bike back to my apt. and cry all the way back on the ride...

 

I remember how cold she looked and acted at that moment... looking at me getting the bike... I (wisely) didn't say anything or beg her to come back.

 

Oh, how I wanted her to say, "Fla. Man, it will be all right. We had some good times... I once loved you and I'm so sorry... You're a good guy who treated me well..."

 

Like you, I was blindsided and didn't recognize any of the conflicts that were developing and how she was withdrawing... That constant frown on our last dinner date should have told me something..

 

This all started after we returned from a week's vacation where we visited my parents and family and did some camping. Man, that was a mistake going on such a long trip at 6 mos. I guess she saw the real me.

 

We didn't get to the ring stage like you and engagement was only talk, but for some reason, 20+ years later (I was 26 then), I still get teary-eyed about the whole thing:( --- look at what I've lost and how I could have married a 30 y.o. virgin...

God, I'm crying now. Sorry.

 

Think I may take the rest of the day off as a sick day.... I really am so emotional. Don't know what's come over me lately with all these feelings of failure... And here I was trying to encourage you..

[GreenPolicy]

The visit to get the bicycle you described, she was almost stone cold with little feelings. Oh... how I can identify with that.

 

Know you didn't want to break NC, but I think it's good your so-called friend couldn't help you with the bike and you had to personally experience her reaction to you..

You saw how she's turned totally off towards you.

I know how much you wanted it to be so different...

I know it's hard to imagine, you two were so close and all those email messages up to the end that you described...

 

Sounds like when I had to retrieve my 12-speed I left at my former GF's house -- we dated 6 mos. and she had brought up getting engaged but soon turned around and kicked me to the curb... A friend drove me to her home on the other side of town and dropped me off so I could ride my bike back to my apt. and cry all the way back on the ride...

 

I remember how cold she looked and acted at that moment... looking at me getting the bike... I (wisely) didn't say anything or beg her to come back.

 

Oh, how I wanted her to say, "Fla. Man, it will be all right. We had some good times... I once loved you and I'm so sorry... You're a good guy who treated me well..."

 

Like you, I was blindsided and didn't recognize any of the conflicts that were developing and how she was withdrawing... That constant frown on our last dinner date should have told me something..

 

This all started after we returned from a week's vacation where we visited my parents and family and did some camping. Man, that was a mistake going on such a long trip at 6 mos. I guess she saw the real me.

 

We didn't get to the ring stage like you and engagement was only talk, but for some reason, 20+ years later (I was 26 then), I still get teary-eyed about the whole thing:( --- look at what I've lost and how I could have married a 30 y.o. virgin...

God, I'm crying now. Sorry.

 

Think I may take the rest of the day off as a sick day.... I really am so emotional. Don't know what's come over me lately with all these feelings of failure... And here I was trying to encourage you..

 

I could tell that she was genuinely glad to see me, she wished me condolences about my granddad, and her demeanor was such that she didn't seem quite ready for the encounter to end and seemed like she wanted to talk a little more, but I figured the longer it did, the less likely I would maintain my composure, and the more likely I would hear something I didn't want to (what's she up to now, some sort of mealy-mouthed explanation that would give me even more to obsess and overanalyze about)...but she was distant in a way. I've been told by many people that what she is doing is compartmentalizing her feelings in order to not have to second-guess her decision to end the relationship or experience any of the unpleasant feelings and emotions that accompany that decision. She is blocking it all out.

 

I would have liked to have heard some sort of acknowledgement of what the r/l meant to her and what I meant to her, but we both know deep down I was the best she had. She's told me that many times before and she wasn't lying when she said it. She doesn't have to say it again for me to know it's true. And you're right, she didn't fake things for months. This thing unraveled very quickly. Intellectually I understand what happened. But emotionally I'll always have a hard time understanding how she could do what she did, do such a 180 relatively quickly and toss away what we had.

 

I've just never come face to face before with such deep emotional disturbance.

[Floridaman]

I posted a pic of her and I in my profile. Won't keep it there too long though. It's non-identifiable.

 

I threw out all the other photos of her and I and other GFs. This one I kept, bec. it was with my former best friend and his wife in a park.

Don't know why I sought it out today. The only one I have scanned, though I may have another one. It was from 1988.

 

That bicycle I talked about picking up from her.... I still have it and rode the crummy thing today.

I bought it in '88 so she and I could ride bikes together. Funny how I had never associated the bike with her until today, when I remembered why I bought it.

 

Had a good 1-hour ride after posting all this. Made me feel a little better about my low mental state.

Least I got more enjoyment from it than her.

Edited January 25, 2011 by Floridaman

[Floridaman]

I would have liked to have heard some sort of acknowledgement of what the r/l meant to her and what I meant to her, but we both know deep down I was the best she had. She's told me that many times before and she wasn't lying when she said it. She doesn't have to say it again for me to know it's true. And you're right, she didn't fake things for months. This thing unraveled very quickly. Intellectually I understand what happened. But emotionally I'll always have a hard time understanding how she could do what she did, do such a 180 relatively quickly and toss away what we had.

 

I've just never come face to face before with such deep emotional disturbance.

I can't say the same about my EX (that I was the best rel. for her). I think I was her first major relationship.

It unraveled so quickly for me too. Once you get that train a rolling, you can't stop it.

 

I told a business colleague that she got so picky once she turned 30 - believe me, there wasn't anything she couldn't find wrong with me - that she'd likely never find a man good enough for her.

 

I would check onlne every now and then. Then one day, I found the marriage announcement.... She married three years later than me (but 11 years after us), but that's not that big a deal.

Married an older guy with a kid... Sounds like she may have settled.

Edited January 25, 2011 by Floridaman

[depplover_1980]

Green Policy,

 

You asked me to comment on here but most of what I think has already been said through time and by others.

 

I do not believe she is a narcissist but go with the genuine commitment phobia relating to overwhelming fear of abandonment.

 

I have 2 questions:

 

The first is how you are feeling now and the second is how long has your dad been an alcoholic?

[GreenPolicy]

Green Policy,

 

You asked me to comment on here but most of what I think has already been said through time and by others.

 

I do not believe she is a narcissist but go with the genuine commitment phobia relating to overwhelming fear of abandonment.

 

I have 2 questions:

 

The first is how you are feeling now and the second is how long has your dad been an alcoholic?

 

I feel a little better these days - I'm in the anger stage. Ive been religious about NC. It feels more frustrating than sad at this point. I was totally devoted to her. I would NEVER have abandoned her, so her fears were unfounded. It still hurts, and I still think about her constantly, but the pain while still there, is not as intense. I feel frustrated that there is nothing I can say or do to reassure her.

 

My dad has had problems with alcohol all my life, but he did manage a stretch of sobriety for 12 years, from 6th grade to a year after I graduated college.

[depplover_1980]

I only asked about your dad because I immediately see a link. You are reluctant to let go of your feelings for her and the relationship in the same way the family of an alcoholic refuse to give up hope their loved one will get better.

 

You are so used to clinging to little hope and are well trained in not 'giving up'. But there is a huge difference in circumstance between the situations but you have reacted in the only way you know how; to seek the answers, overanalyse and determine the cause and of course never give up.

 

I personally think you are an outstanding person (based on what I have read) but perhaps too forgiving and understanding to the detriment of your own mental health. Keep working on inner worth and self esteem and finally drop this sack of potatoes memory into the ocean.

 

I guarantee someone will completely overshadow this stage of your life in time but I fear you need to recognise you are knuckling tight onto something dead.

[Floridaman]

Thanks for the update, GP. We know it hurts.

We've all been there. You feel cheated, just like I did with my NEAR-fiance I talked about.

 

SHE was the one who brought up marriage. We weren't sexual, but she once allowed me to caress her chest with her shirt on. When I tried to go inside her shirt, she said, "Let's save something for the wedding night!"

 

So I KNEW I wasn't making this up. This really happened. It just feels like the things we did weren't real and were only a dream...

 

The best way to get an old love out of your heart, I guess, is to find new love. Time, love and tenderness, you know.

[GreenPolicy]

You are right. Intellectually I see it as hopeless and realize that expecting somebody who operates out of fear and emotion will not make a quick turnaround...and even if she ever does get better, she will likely be with another good guy at some point instead of rekindling things with a person from her past.

 

I am working on the emotional acceptance part of that. That is hard.

[depplover_1980]

It is hard, but it is also as difficult as you make it. When you are an overanalyser it can do a lot of damage, you need to learn to be simpler. But I definately think your reluctance to let go is strongly related to the same reluctance to give up on your father and explore that with your counsellor. I am rarely wrong you know.

 

Got to nip out for a smoke and cup of tea at my friends so back in an hour to chat. x

[GreenPolicy]

It is hard, but it is also as difficult as you make it. When you are an overanalyser it can do a lot of damage, you need to learn to be simpler. But I definately think your reluctance to let go is strongly related to the same reluctance to give up on your father and explore that with your counsellor. I am rarely wrong you know.

 

Got to nip out for a smoke and cup of tea at my friends so back in an hour to chat. x

 

Yeah, I am a logical and rational person, and she is not. But you're right - you can either get a PhD in her issues, or just keep it simple and say "well she has issues that nullify success in a ltr and you have to move on."

 

As wrenching as the first three months were, I do feel better coming up on the four month mark. It was her loss, not mine.

[Bluebelle38]

Hi GP

 

Sorry to come to this thread so late, but I have only been on the site a short while.

 

I want to say that I totally understand the thoughts going through your mind.

 

I was with an emotionally-closed man. 46 never married. We first met almost 9 years ago and went out for 2.5 years. We split up and he recently was back in my life again. i was ecstatic as we had both grown up a lot. It was a LDR but he made so much effort flying over to see me (1 hour flight); he took me to the caribbean on holiday (I live in Ireland, him the UK); offered to lend me money to clear my credit card (a few grand in total) but I declined (damn what was I thinking ) bought me lovely presents, I mean lovely, made a big deal over my b'day; and I spent christmas with his family. I knew them from years ago so it was lovely to see them again.

 

We had a misudnderstanding at NY. Nothing that couldnt have been sorted, but he bailed 100%. In fact he was so cruel it knocked me sideways... he actually said 'let's face it, we didnt really get along, we had some great times but it wasnt there for me". I will never forget that message as long as I live.

 

I have done a bit of reading on commitment phobes and can see that I was dealing with a man with serious, deep-rooted problems.

 

A man that would actually look uncomfortable when I was having a great time with his family. It was as if a noose was tightening and as soon as he had a reason to bail, he did.

 

I am only about a month on NC. It's hard, I miss him, I miss the laughs, I miss that he made me feel secure (he is 8 years older than me); I miss the silly texts.

 

But I know he has moved on from this. I know he can simply switch off feelings, bury them down and just get on. i have been left questioning was I not good enough? How could you do this to me again? It hurts deeply. I suppose if it's any consolation he has chased me each time so I know we had something special, well, as much as a commitmentphobe 46 yr old can have:laugh:

 

All I can say from reading your posts is that these people, incapable of love, were always going to let us down at some point. They can't not do otherwise, they dont know any different.

 

They will float through life hurting people and unfortunately we are one of them.

 

I have thought for the past 9 years we would end up together, knowing we wont absolutely floors me. i feel as if I have lost all my hopes and dreams BUT I know that I can finally close the chapter now and I look at his faults. He was stingy with compliments (friends think he was well aware he was punching above his weight and was full of fear I'd cop on that he is incapable of real love and bail). I dont know if i would have given up, such was the love I thought I felt. i overlooked the flaws but now i question down the line how much they would have hurt/upset me.

 

You have done great with your NC. Like you i never begged, pleaded, rang him... nothing. I simply let him know that I did love him and wished him well. Did he reply? Of course not but i ended it with my head held high. i was dignified throughout and I know hand on heart that this was never ever about me.

 

Nor was this ever about you. I know a lot of people on here feel jealous when they hear their ex has moved on and met someone else, but I dont. I feel pity because I know that whoever she is, whenever it happens, she will end up the same as I feel now.

 

I know it doesnt seem fair. We think they have moved on so much quicker, but they havent at all. We have to deal with the intense hurt (and I know it is a hard slog), but we will heal and we will find a true love. These people never will - and even if they come close, they will bail and mess it up anyway.

 

We are not the losers in this. I know I will have the last laugh when I get through this and meet someone capable of love, because when I do, I know I have the balls to follow through with it

Edited February 8, 2011 by Bluebelle38

[depplover_1980]

Good post Bluebelle and a fantastic attitude. The guy I have been recently seeing pretty much did the same and took me on a 5 star holiday over Christmas and took me on a London theatre trip as a surprise for my birthday (also Dec). The last time I saw him we had a blast with him smiling from the minute he walked in and until he left.

 

When he ended it he almost said exactly what your ex said to you, uncanny. The closest to 'it's not you it's me' I have ever heard.

 

Now I am very hurt of course, but totally free of his games and feel sorry for the next girl, who will eventually want more from him and the cycle will continue. But he is aware of his problems at least and we did talk about them and I have profiled him to a tee, to the point that it baffles it that 'I have figured him out above any other woman' in his words.

 

He chose to walk away from it, a real relationship with someone that accepted his faults and that my friends is his loss. I'll be hot to trot with someone else by summer...

[Bluebelle38]

Gawd, I hope it wasn't the same guy!!!!!

 

I never actually pinpointed him down as it was only after we split and I read the book 'Men who Can't Love' that i actually realised he was an A-grade CP. He ticked so many boxes my head was spinning. I've read enough now though and dont need to waste any more time.

 

For my b'day I got the boat over to wales from Ireland (october) and he drove 6 hours from london to see me. We had a fantatic time, hotel with jacuzzi, spa, a flash seafood dinner... I truly felt so damn special... but these guys want these moments but not the hard slog that is commitment.

 

I'm getting there... he'd never offer me what i wanted (love). 46 and still emotionally closed. It's a sickness.

 

I'm thinking of breaking my NC in July to wish him a happy 50th. He will actually be 47 but he is so paranoid about his age it will kill him

 

Then again, by July I'll be so over it all I'll probably forget to send it.

 

And god yeah, hot to trot for the summer I love it Am so glad he didnt dump me in the summer because that would have been UNFORGIVEABLE haha

Edited February 8, 2011 by Bluebelle38

[depplover_1980]

Well I'll tell you something odd which I suspect has happened to me tonight. I have been exchanging saucy texts and messages with some hunk from a dating site and the last day he has totally dropped off the radar and not replied to anything (bear in mind he was having to chase me). Now I checked the maps tonight and the village he is from turns out to be only 2 miles from the village of my ex.

 

Now I have got myself into a huge paranoia that they are actually friends and he has spoke to Joe (my ex) and said 'found myself a right saucy bird etc' and my name or pic and my ex has gone 'that's (me) who I just broke up with'. I have just text this guy I was going to date with 'Are you a friend of Joes or something? ' and still NO reply.

 

I feel very wierd about it all, that would be real bad luck on my part!!!

[Bluebelle38]

God, that would be ridiculous, but stranger things have happened!!!!!

 

Poor bastard if it is a friend or your ex, he is probably downright gutted Be sure to let us know if he gets back to you though.

 

fair play getting back out there... I'm taking a few months out from the dating game. I am just sick to the teeth with men (no offence meant to the guys on here!)

[depplover_1980]

I could be just making it up in my head but my obsessive brain has convinced me this what has happened. There goes sleep for the night.

 

The thought of this upsets me because I don't want my ex to think he wasn't special to me in that sense as he was, very infact! But a girl has needs!!

 

I'm joking but actually a bit upset incase this is what has happened. If not why do men ignore you and not say 'i've met someone else', my housemate is in bed and the guy she was going to date is also ignoring her. What ball-less wimps!!

[Bluebelle38]

Because they are ball-less cowards. And they dont get any better with age.

 

NC is the best revenge ever.

 

If he doesnt get back to you, don't you DARE contact him

[depplover_1980]

Because they are ball-less cowards. And they dont get any better with age.

 

NC is the best revenge ever.

 

If he doesnt get back to you, don't you DARE contact him

 

Well he wouldn't contact me now would he knowing I am a s l a g trying to get his mates to tie me up and spank me!! Mind you he knows what I am like so it would come as no surprise.

 

I am never contacting him again. Let me find my story for you...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=262060

 

Since all this he contacted me a week ago to see if we can at least be 'friends' to which I brutally rebuffed him for 'picking me up and putting me down' too often to which he didn't reply. So I felt guilty and last Thursday I send him 'I apologise for snapping at you Joe. I am a big fan of who you are and wish the best for you' and heard nothing since.

 

So I finished on the note I required and will not contact him ever.

 

Nice to meet you btw, you see lovely and British. Woo.

[Bluebelle38]

Depplover - I posted on your thread...

 

Apologies OP for taking this off topic.

[GreenPolicy]

I only asked about your dad because I immediately see a link. You are reluctant to let go of your feelings for her and the relationship in the same way the family of an alcoholic refuse to give up hope their loved one will get better.

 

You are so used to clinging to little hope and are well trained in not 'giving up'. But there is a huge difference in circumstance between the situations but you have reacted in the only way you know how; to seek the answers, overanalyse and determine the cause and of course never give up.

 

I personally think you are an outstanding person (based on what I have read) but perhaps too forgiving and understanding to the detriment of your own mental health. Keep working on inner worth and self esteem and finally drop this sack of potatoes memory into the ocean.

 

I guarantee someone will completely overshadow this stage of your life in time but I fear you need to recognise you are knuckling tight onto something dead.

 

You said something here that really strikes a chord. One of my friends when I told the story to, his reaction was pretty simple: "It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. She's just a f*cked up person. Simple as that." The way she blindsided me out of the blue, I HAD to find an answer, I HAD to understand. So through loveshack, seeking out counsel of friends and family, a very broad theme emerged: commitment phobia due to abandonment issues. And guess what? Having that understanding, it changes nothing. She's still gone for good.

 

One piece of advice I got was: If there is no solution to your problem, then logically there is no point in getting upset or depressed about. You have to let go and remove yourself from the situation. And if there is a solution to your problem, there is no point in crying and whining and getting upset about it. It's better to implement a solution and work towards it. There is no solution here. I spent so much time overanalyzing and obsessing and in the end I didn't end up with any greater insight than my friend who thought about it for a moment and said "It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. She's just a f*cked up person. Simple as that." And all that overanalyzing and obsessing didn't yield a course of action...other than let go.

[depplover_1980]

There is no point in worrying or stressing over something you have no control over, as you will still have no control at the end of it so save your energy.