One time affair, how do I cope?

[jenson]

Hello All,

 

I'm new to the board, unfortunately. Unfortunately because if my husband wouldn't have had an affair, I wouldn't be here.

 

Quick history. We've been together since October of 2000. Married June of last year. He goes to college full-time during the day and works in the evenings. I work full-time M-F, 8-5. He has 3 boys from a previous marriage. They live w/ their mom. I have a 6 yr old daughter from a previous relationship. She lives w/ us. We have a 2 yr old son together. We're a dysfunctional Brady Bunch. LOL.

 

He's been, up to this point, the ultimate husband. Always brings me flowers or goofy little stuffed animals. Remembers every bday, sweetest day, every special date (the day we met, the day we started dating, etc.). Is awesome w/ the kids. I have to leave for work before my daughter gets on the bus and he goes the to bus stop every morning w/ the 2 yr old in tow to get her on the bus then takes the baby to daycare and heads off to school. The list goes on and on.

 

Okay, the bad part. Saturday before last I found out that he sent a "not so nice" pic of himself to one of his yahoo contacts. She lives in VT, so not a huge threat, but a problem for me just the same. I was upset about it, so I confronted him. We didn't speak over the weekend. Finally last Monday he asks if we can sit down and talk. I asked all the questions I needed to and kept pressing for answers. He finally broke down and admitted that he sent it to one of the girls he works w/ too. I had been having a funny feeling about this girl. He talked about her too much. He's never given me any reason to believe he was unfaithful, but it just didn't feel right. So I started pressing about that one. Long story made short, he admitted he had taken her home one night during work, only kissed her. Then another night he took her home, no one was home at her house so they decided to go for a ride and ended up doing what I suspected.

 

I've asked repeatedly for the reason. He says it was the attention. We have a crazy life. Typical for a lot of ppl. Me up at 5:30 getting ready for work, get the kids ready, I rush out the door, he gets the kids off to school/daycare, takes himself to school, comes home, fixes supper, I get home, we eat, he heads off to work himself, I get homework/ baths done and then crash and burn and he comes in about 2 a.m. after closing and does the same. Rinse and repeat the following day.

 

We don't have time for each other right now. It will get better, but we have to get him through school first. He says that is the reason, she paid attention and it went to his head. It lasted about 2 wks. Not emotional, just physical. He ended it w/ her after only the one time. Told her that it was because of him and I. I called her the following morning after the confession. She told me essentially the same thing, about 2 wks, no contact outside of work, ended it b/c of us.

 

He wants to "fix" the situation. He's offered counseling, he two-ways (we have Nextel's) me everywhere he goes and lets me know when he gets to work and when he's leaving. He brings me home the computer printout of his time from work. He's of course apologized all over himself.

 

I made him quit the place he was working. They have two locations here. He was at the South Location. Boss calls back and says we will transfer you to the North store, we don't want you to quit. I'm okay w/ that.

 

My problem? I want to work it out. I love him and he's not the typical (in my eyes) serial adulterer. I can't get over the anger and hurt though. I don't know how to let it go. I don't know how to not be nasty w/ him about the situation. I close my eyes and it's there, it gets quiet and it's there. I'm in my car driving and it's there.

 

How do I move forward??

 

Sorry this is so long, but I needed to get it all in there. Any advice would be great.

 

Thanks,

[Fofinha]

Forgetting takes time but it seems to me you are both on the right path. He made a mistake and now seem willing to "make it all better". Counselling is an excellent step. Slowly but surely it will hurt less and you will find yourself thinking less and less about the affair. For now, unfortunately, there is no quick miracle cure for the pain. Only time and his continuos devotion will heal you.

[Velveteel]

I'm sorry you're in this painful situation, but it does look almost ideal for getting back to a loving, trusting marriage. Your husband told you the whole truth about the affair--and voluntarily--and has agreed to your terms. Let him win you back now. (You can become the drama and excitement he was seeking!) And give him plenty of loving attention in return, despite how angry you are.

 

When the immediate rush of guilt wears off for him, he may slack off in his devotion. That's only natural. Counselling is even more useful then than now, in the middle of the crisis.

[NEONINK]

Tell him if he sends anymore "not so nice" pictures over the internet, you'll just print and and mail to his parents for their family album.

Find some regular babysitters that you trust and get out together.

Sorry, I know it hurts and will take a while.

[Errol]

Try <removed> and/or find some in-person counseling. MAKE a way to get the kids to a sitter and MAKE time for yourselves--no matter how busy your schedules are.

 

Give yourselves time to heal. Keep your posts here so that you can refer back to them if you need to, and/or show them to him to help him see how you are feeling and how you are trying too.

[jenson]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

 

It's been a really bad couple of weeks. One minute I'm fine, I feel like I can move on and work on our marriage. The next I'm so depressed and angry that I could just scream. It's only been a couple of weeks since he told me, so I'm trying to ride out this emotional roller coaster and see if it settles down.

 

Thanks again. This is an awesome forum. Helps to come and read and know that you're not the only one going through this stuff.