NC support thread

[4321sn]

Since there are several of us struggling with the early stages of NC I thought a support thread might be nice to post our feelings when we need to vent...

 

I'll start. Day 2- not going to contact him but Im really pissed! What a coward. He says that I work differently than him which us why I was able to leave my H...Nice copout...hes saying this is the way I am too bad. Grrrrrrr!

[myname]

Day 9 since I finished things and asked him not to contact me, but only yesterday there was work related contact, initiated by him.

 

I'm not really accepting of the fact that it's over, as in my heart just isn't acknowledging the fact although can't believe it's been so long already.

 

Feeling pretty empty and lonely, but not going to initiate contact however I feel.

[endlessness]

I'm not sure what was worse, the sadness or the anger... The rage stage lasted for at least four weeks for me and it was eating me alive. I still get angry, but not as often anymore and that's a relief. I think I will only be able to truly move on once I find a place for forgiveness in my heart. And that's the toughest one...

 

35 days of NC for me. Haven't seen him since early September.

You can't imagine the loneliness I felt only a couple of weeks ago. The tears. The despair. I don't anymore. So please trust me when I say that it will only get easier. Stick with NC and, one day, the fog will lift and you will see the world with new eyes. This experience will no longer own you.

The first and most painful step, however, is to give up all hope. It's painful because that means admitting that you've invested all that energy into a big, fat nothing. That you've been duped. That you fell for a fantasy. That you wasted your time. It means admitting that you made a mistake. So, at this point, when I do get angry, I get angry with myself. For willingly putting a blindfold over my eyes and sidetracking.

[myname]

I know that even though I might be acting like I've given up hope I haven't, it's still there, I can feel it. I don't know how to make it go, I try to remind myself why and how it wasn't working but inside I still have hope even though I don't if you see what I mean.

[endlessness]

I know that even though I might be acting like I've given up hope I haven't, it's still there, I can feel it. I don't know how to make it go, I try to remind myself why and how it wasn't working but inside I still have hope even though I don't if you see what I mean.

 

I know exactly what you mean. The first time I went NC I secretly fostered the hope that he would come around and choose me, and that soon I will be living out a fairy tale. Breaking NC that time gave me the most perspective because it plunged me back into the dysfunction, full of new and improved hurts, and made me realize with every fibre of my being that all I was getting out of this relationship - and all I would ever get - was pain.

There was simply no more resistance within me when I made the decision to end it the second time. There was no final scene, I simply quietly exited without as little as a goodbye. I got all the closure I needed, and it came from within.

 

You'll truly start to move forward when you shift focus to yourself and your needs and commit to making the most out of your life because you will see the he is not adding anything to it. Hope is simply the last tether which must be broken, and you will do it, naturally, once you fully commit to your healing.

 

Take it one day at a time and, with determination, you will get to a place ruled by indifference - not sadness, anger or hatred - but INDIFFERENCE. He simply won't matter anymore. I have yet to get there, but I can already feel that I am approaching that final destination.

[newpriorities]

Since there are several of us struggling with the early stages of NC I thought a support thread might be nice to post our feelings when we need to vent...

 

I'll start. Day 2- not going to contact him but Im really pissed! What a coward. He says that I work differently than him which us why I was able to leave my H...Nice copout...hes saying this is the way I am too bad. Grrrrrrr!

 

Thanks for starting this--we definitely need it! Is he still trying to contact you? How long has it been since you and your H split? Hang in there and be strong!

[newpriorities]

I know exactly what you mean. The first time I went NC I secretly fostered the hope that he would come around and choose me, and that soon I will be living out a fairy tale. Breaking NC that time gave me the most perspective because it plunged me back into the dysfunction, full of new and improved hurts, and made me realize with every fibre of my being that all I was getting out of this relationship - and all I would ever get - was pain.

There was simply no more resistance within me when I made the decision to end it the second time. There was no final scene, I simply quietly exited without as little as a goodbye. I got all the closure I needed, and it came from within.

 

You'll truly start to move forward when you shift focus to yourself and your needs and commit to making the most out of your life because you will see the he is not adding anything to it. Hope is simply the last tether which must be broken, and you will do it, naturally, once you fully commit to your healing.

 

Take it one day at a time and, with determination, you will get to a place ruled by indifference - not sadness, anger or hatred - but INDIFFERENCE. He simply won't matter anymore. I have yet to get there, but I can already feel that I am approaching that final destination.

 

I wonder if you guys have any insights in to my situation because my hope was something a bit different. I didn't ever really have hope that my MM and I would end up together--as in married or living together. Given the ages of our kids, that wasn't something I wanted. What I DID hope for was to continue this "love affair" that was filled with passion, laughter deep sharing and mind blowing sex. The pain started with the decreased amount of time we were able to spend together--how little time he was making for me and YET, when we were together, all of the good stuff was oh so very good. I just started to feel so insignificant, so unimportant that I was completely losing myself and that is why I ended it.

I too never had a "goodbye" conversation, but I did send an email. Since we work so closely together, we have never discussed the email (sent 7 days ago) but are interacting as if nothing happened. Which, I guess on the one hand is good, but on the other, is so painful.

I love this idea of closure from within because we will never get satisfactory answers from them. It has to come from inside ourselves.

Thanks to all you guys for your support!

[maravilla]

Day 6 for me, almost a week. (Over two weeks since we first went NC but had a 3-day relapse and started over.) He just sent me a really nasty and hurtful email. I was doing fantastic and now I feel so down.

[4321sn]

Newpriorties

He hasn't tried to contact me yet but I am expecting him to anytime now...

 

My XH moved out in July a year after the A was discovered. I guess that is why I don't believe that if one doesn't move out or D soon they are full of BS...it took a year for my H to move and a year before I saw a lawyer...

 

Anyway---I'm just so pissed today! That is when I usually want to contact him. I feel like how dare you do this to me. You PROMISED that we would be togeher this thanksgiving...

Makes me want to tell her so badly. I would never but I would like to scare the sh#t out of him and make him think that I am angry enough to do it. I'd love to make him sweat through thanksgiving thinkng that I'm going to call her or be waiting at his doorstep...

 

Im really angry if u can't tell.

[siuys]

Day 7 for me. I am working on crushing the hope. When we last met he said I will hear from him when he's sorted himself out. I don't believe anything anymore after he's thrown me under the bus twice, asked for space only to come back days later. I am doing A LOT better since going NC. I flipped through the book 'Is it love or is it addiction' and also read articles on additive relationships and could relate some elements which helped me.

[4321sn]

Day 7 for me. I am working on crushing the hope. When we last met he said I will hear from him when he's sorted himself out. I don't believe anything anymore after he's thrown me under the bus twice, asked for space only to come back days later. I am doing A LOT better since going NC. I flipped through the book 'Is it love or is it addiction' and also read articles on additive relationships and could relate some elements which helped me.

 

I'm so glad you are doing a bit better. Makes me hopeful that in 5 days I will be better too. I'm hoping to be much better by Thanksgiving. I spent last TG feeling crappy. I want to enjoy the day with my kids, patents, aunt, uncle and cousins this year.

 

I have the book how to break your addiction to a person. Skinned it last week but I really need to read it now.

 

I'm still PISSED, BTW...

I feel like scaring the crap out of him by texting him on TG that I will be waiting at his door step )))

I would never but I would love to ruin his day...

[endlessness]

I wonder if you guys have any insights in to my situation because my hope was something a bit different. I didn't ever really have hope that my MM and I would end up together--as in married or living together. Given the ages of our kids, that wasn't something I wanted. What I DID hope for was to continue this "love affair" that was filled with passion, laughter deep sharing and mind blowing sex. The pain started with the decreased amount of time we were able to spend together--how little time he was making for me and YET, when we were together, all of the good stuff was oh so very good. I just started to feel so insignificant, so unimportant that I was completely losing myself and that is why I ended it.

I too never had a "goodbye" conversation, but I did send an email. Since we work so closely together, we have never discussed the email (sent 7 days ago) but are interacting as if nothing happened. Which, I guess on the one hand is good, but on the other, is so painful.

I love this idea of closure from within because we will never get satisfactory answers from them. It has to come from inside ourselves.

Thanks to all you guys for your support!

 

I'm sure I would have kept the A going if we were still able to spend as much time together as we did in the beginning. Like you, I started feeling absolutely irrelevant - an afterthought - and that's how I came to the decision to end it the first time. Was not strong enough to pull through that time though and had a relapse.

 

Wow, it must be so hard working with that person when there is a purple elephant in the room that's being ignored. You are stronger than I could ever be (I carried on my A for as long as I did because I couldn't imagine continuing to work with my xMM), so be patient with yourself.

 

 

siuys, self-help books definitely helped me through this and gave me some clarity; I certainly recommend that as a coping strategy.

 

4321sn, believe me, I can understand your urge to expose his lies. In my case, I could destroy his family and potentially his career with a mere e-mail. But would I rather have my revenge or my dignity? What he is or what he does simply does not matter anymore, so why even bother?

[4321sn]

I would never actually do it but I would love him to be a nervous wreck all day. Lol! He wound be so scared driving home thinking that I was sitting on his front porch...

[Star82]

Day 1 for me.

This is not fun.

I'm just happy that I haven't cried.......yet

[halemeno]

Thanks for starting this, I agree that we really need it.

 

It's Day 2 for me, though he contacted me yesterday asking for help getting into IC. I had a sort of realization a minute ago: the purpose of this A for him was obviously a selfish ego-feeder, like every other MM I've read about here. However, it just came to me that maybe that's exactly what I was drawn to, too -- someone to take care of and fulfill. When reviewing the A in my mind, no other aspect of it was worthwhile: I didn't enjoy the sex, there was zero romance, and I didn't want a future with him. But what I really miss now that we're NC is making him feel important, worthwhile, and cared for.

I know that this probably speaks volumes about me. I also wonder if xMM was conscious of it when first getting involved (I know I wasn't). When the A started, I had just gotten out of an abusive 2-year relationship yet was still hung up on my ex. He knew all of this. I think it's very possible that I was trying to fill the void of living for someone else (my ex) by doing the same thing with xMM. This also might be why, now that he's specifically asking for my help, I'm having such a hard time maintaining NC.

 

Has anyone else noticed that their primary motivation for getting/staying involved in an A was to fulfill their AP?

[4321sn]

"Has anyone else noticed that their primary motivation for getting/staying involved in an A was to fulfill their AP?"

 

I know what you mean. Mine started because I wanted to feel loved, special and appreciated. Then it turned. He became just as needy as me. His favorite line was "you saved me". So soon I became his savior. Trying to solve his problems...boosting his self esteem...taking care of him. Giving him everything that his wife didn't. I wanted to be needed. Slowly my needs were pushed aside. I told him the other day "it's ALL about YOU!" all on your terms. All about what is good for you. You are never there for things that matter to ME. I drive you to the f-ing airport, I listen to your work problems, I work around your schedule...its all YOU!!!"

 

just glad I realized it sounds as if you have too...

[fooled once]

Day 6 for me, almost a week. (Over two weeks since we first went NC but had a 3-day relapse and started over.) He just sent me a really nasty and hurtful email. I was doing fantastic and now I feel so down.

 

STAY STRONG!! Do NOT let his opinion of you tear you down. Like HIS opinion matters? Maybe he needs to take a look in the mirror. LOOK AT HIS ACTIONS -- he is not the kind of man you would ever want a child to emulate!

 

I DO think many OW go into affairs for 2 reasons:

 

1. The competition of taking the guy from someone - the tempting, the teasing, the flirting. The ego boost of "winning" this dude.

 

2. Because women are nurturers by nature. We like to take care of people. We like to make things all better for them. These men come with these huge sob stories of how mean their wives are, how they don't get sex, how the wife does xy and z. Most stories are all the same. Poor poor guy - so mistreated. We want to make them all better.

 

This is a great thread! I hope all of you in NC stay strong and do not let them weasel their way back into your life with all their words and 'promises'.

 

You each deserve more.

You each deserve better.

You each deserve happiness.

 

One day at a time. Go through the phrases of grieving, because that is what you are doing - grieving a loss. Closure DOES come from within - you each have it in you. Please do not let yourself believe that HE can provide you with closure. He is just going to let you down more.

 

You do not need to wait for them. You never should have to wait for them. If they love you, they will do what is necessary to be with you. You shouldn't have to tell them what to do nor should you have to hand hold them.

 

If you need to send an email - write it. But do not send it. Write 10 emails, but do not send them to him. Write them, print them, read them and then throw them away.

 

GOOD LUCK to each of you!!

[endlessness]

"Has anyone else noticed that their primary motivation for getting/staying involved in an A was to fulfill their AP?"

 

I know what you mean. Mine started because I wanted to feel loved, special and appreciated. Then it turned. He became just as needy as me. His favorite line was "you saved me". So soon I became his savior. Trying to solve his problems...boosting his self esteem...taking care of him. Giving him everything that his wife didn't. I wanted to be needed. Slowly my needs were pushed aside. I told him the other day "it's ALL about YOU!" all on your terms. All about what is good for you. You are never there for things that matter to ME. I drive you to the f-ing airport, I listen to your work problems, I work around your schedule...its all YOU!!!"

 

just glad I realized it sounds as if you have too...

Yep, I can definitely relate. First it was, "Give me two weeks and I will make you feel good about your life." That's how he convinced me to stay at the very beginning, because he wanted to be there for me. Then it turned into, "You are my salvation". Soon followed the rants about this and that in his life as I was waiting for a gap in his speech to put a vowel in. Every text message was invariably some kind of complaint.

 

On the day of my Master's thesis defence, he sent me a good luck text message, which read something like this: "I've been sending you all my positive thoughts all week. I don't even have any left for me. I just found out I lost my $30,000 investment. Please succeed today." He sent that an hour before I had to walk into the examination room!

Right there and then, I turned off my phone and made a conscious decision that he would have no bearing on the next two hours of my life. I walked out with an A+.

 

What a self-centered creature. Everything about him simply repulses me now.

[siuys]

Day 8. Feeling ok tho' missing xMM a lot today. Sux big time. Of course I won't contact him. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and go to bed. Wonder how long I'll feel this way. I don't feel very upset or nothing hurts anymore - I just miss him.

[4321sn]

Day 8. Feeling ok tho' missing xMM a lot today. Sux big time. Of course I won't contact him. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and go to bed. Wonder how long I'll feel this way. I don't feel very upset or nothing hurts anymore - I just miss him.

 

when we miss them maybe we shouid make a list of all the times the made us feel like crap. Make the list and post here if it helps. I'm getting the kids ready for school but will do the same in a bit.

[newpriorities]

when we miss them maybe we shouid make a list of all the times the made us feel like crap. Make the list and post here if it helps. I'm getting the kids ready for school but will do the same in a bit.

 

1. The time your house phone rang, you didn't recognize the number on caller id so you and your W didn't answer it. But you sent ME the following in an email "Why did you call the house!!! That's f-ing messed up!!!!!!" And of course, I hadn't called, it wasn't me, but you didn't even bother to ask before you accused.

 

2. The time you walked into my office and said, "Geez, you've really put on a lot of weight!!"

 

3. The time you got up immediately after making love and said you had to go (even though you had told me you didn't have to leave until later) because you wanted to beat "traffic."

 

4. All of the times where you told me you would "email/call" that evening/weekend and you never did.

 

5. The time you deleted your email account without even telling me so my loving email to you bounced back (and you had just declared your undying love for me two days earlier) but then wanted me back a month later

 

Ok, now I'm not sure how I'm feeling--more angry at him or at myself!!!

[East7]

As the thread is about NC support, from my own experience the most efficient tip to avoid pain is to go out as much as possible with friends etc. The best is to start hanging out or dating someone. Going out with other girls has been for me such a ego booster and healer. I have been happy and relaxed though I always miss xMW.

 

Of course, I'm against rebound relationships b/c it is using people. I date someone because I like her and want to go further not because she will just help me to heal.

 

The worse is to stay home or alone and think about the Ex, looking at the pics, listening significant music (that the Ex likes etc), that's like fueling the pain. And of course breaking NC affects emotionally and takes everything back to where NC started (square one).

Edited November 19, 2010 by East7

[4321sn]

The times I felt like nothing:

 

When you went to California with her family.*

 

When you had a 40th birthday party for her

 

When you spent the weekend away with me and at the end called and said I miss the kids and you.

 

 

When you promised not to go visit friends for 5 days over Thanksgiving because she had planned the trip without consulting you. then the day before told me you were going. I was yelled at and told that I was selfish.*

 

New Years

 

All of January when you promised to tell her*

 

All of Febuary-you promised to do something for my birthday and nothing...not a day or night together. Our plans were once again cancelled last minute because her plans changed. I was yelled at. You literally screamed at me saying that you are stressed and you are a diabetic and the stress is not good for your health. No present. No card. Nothing. You were barely able to speak with me that day.

 

All the times I spoke to you about things that upset me and you turned around and yelled at me. You would say I don't understand what your life is like.

 

March came. We were away for the weekend. We were in bed together. I peek at you on your phone. Out of the corner of my eye I see thar You texted I love you too to her. You denied it. *

 

You promised to leave by May after previously promising to leave by March.

 

April- you went to the city for a class trip. Didn't want to speak to me so you lied and said your phone was broken. Later admitted that you were overwhelmed and needed to be alone. I cried for 3 days straight worrying about you.

 

May comes- we are in the city- once again you text her I love you.*

 

June- you come to my house. We are on our way to meet my best friend. I think you staying 3 nights. You tell me no-just one because you didn't make up an excuse to tell her. I stayed home and missed a trip with my kids and my parents to be with you. You left me alone for the week.

 

The cruise. You swore for 6 months that you were not going. *3 days before you tell me you are going. I*said final straw. Asked you not to contact me. You texted me non stop because you were jealous about my date. I couldn't go on a date but you are able to go on a cruise for 2 weeks? You rang my phone 5 times and then left a VM that you would leave me alone. 2 minutes later the phone rang again...

 

All the times you said it was about your kids and you will feel like a bad father if you leave. So I am a bad mother then? You must think I am a bad parents if getting a divorce means you have abandoned your kids.

 

When I called once after you said you would be able to talk. She was in the car with you. You picked up and before hanging up I heard her say who us that. You replied "nobody"

[4321sn]

East7

"The worse is to stay home or alone and think about the Ex, looking at the pics, listening significant music (that the Ex likes etc), that's like fueling the pain. And of course breaking NC affects emotionally and takes everything back to where NC started (square one)."

 

so I shouldn't be doing these things?

 

I do and I don't know why I torture myself...

[myname]

I've had another email from MM last night, saying... yeah saying what exactly, he uses a lot of words to say not an awful lot, boils down to he misses me, he's been feeling sad, he understands why I've broken off contact but he'd still like to talk to me at some point.

 

Then he texted me this morning saying he'd sent me an email and he'd like to phone me sometime.

 

I'm kind of glad he contacted me, although I know the danger of getting sucked back in I've missed him and like having heard from him. Oh dear.