NC support thread

[Confused4Now]

The times I felt like nothing:

 

When you went to California with her family.*

 

When you had a 40th birthday party for her

 

When you spent the weekend away with me and at the end called and said I miss the kids and you.

 

 

When you promised not to go visit friends for 5 days over Thanksgiving because she had planned the trip without consulting you. then the day before told me you were going. I was yelled at and told that I was selfish.*

 

New Years

 

All of January when you promised to tell her*

 

All of Febuary-you promised to do something for my birthday and nothing...not a day or night together. Our plans were once again cancelled last minute because her plans changed. I was yelled at. You literally screamed at me saying that you are stressed and you are a diabetic and the stress is not good for your health. No present. No card. Nothing. You were barely able to speak with me that day.

 

All the times I spoke to you about things that upset me and you turned around and yelled at me. You would say I don't understand what your life is like.

 

March came. We were away for the weekend. We were in bed together. I peek at you on your phone. Out of the corner of my eye I see thar You texted I love you too to her. You denied it. *

 

You promised to leave by May after previously promising to leave by March.

 

April- you went to the city for a class trip. Didn't want to speak to me so you lied and said your phone was broken. Later admitted that you were overwhelmed and needed to be alone. I cried for 3 days straight worrying about you.

 

May comes- we are in the city- once again you text her I love you.*

 

June- you come to my house. We are on our way to meet my best friend. I think you staying 3 nights. You tell me no-just one because you didn't make up an excuse to tell her. I stayed home and missed a trip with my kids and my parents to be with you. You left me alone for the week.

 

The cruise. You swore for 6 months that you were not going. *3 days before you tell me you are going. I*said final straw. Asked you not to contact me. You texted me non stop because you were jealous about my date. I couldn't go on a date but you are able to go on a cruise for 2 weeks? You rang my phone 5 times and then left a VM that you would leave me alone. 2 minutes later the phone rang again...

 

All the times you said it was about your kids and you will feel like a bad father if you leave. So I am a bad mother then? You must think I am a bad parents if getting a divorce means you have abandoned your kids.

 

When I called once after you said you would be able to talk. She was in the car with you. You picked up and before hanging up I heard her say who us that. You replied "nobody"

Wow all these sound so familiar...Yeah I've on the other end of a lot of these. Until you set those boundaries like I have you will always be part of the cycle. She is the xMW and I was the MM who became xOM. She still tries...to contact me but I don't respond. It's really sad how people remain stuck in their lives and can't be strong enough to get out. I did it was the hardest thing to do .....but I did it. Stay strong folks...time does help. I was pretty pathetic but I finally got my power and control back. She respects me now that's for sure and I can look in the mirror as well.

[endlessness]

I've had another email from MM last night, saying... yeah saying what exactly, he uses a lot of words to say not an awful lot, boils down to he misses me, he's been feeling sad, he understands why I've broken off contact but he'd still like to talk to me at some point.

 

Then he texted me this morning saying he'd sent me an email and he'd like to phone me sometime.

 

I'm kind of glad he contacted me, although I know the danger of getting sucked back in I've missed him and like having heard from him. Oh dear.

 

I think you're treading very dangerous waters, myname. Many of us have done the back-and-forth dance in the past, but all it brought - at least for me - was more hurts and reinforced the realization that this road is leading nowhere. NC means no contact, period. Contact is only giving you the fix you so desperately need now that you are in the detox process. Him communicating with you and feeding you the same old BS at your most vulnerable time when you miss him so much only keeps you hanging on to this person who is not mature enough to sort out his life or at the very least give you space to heal. You have to see his words for what they are: same old baseless, bull***** words unsupported by action, only meant to give him his ego boost. And if you continue accepting his heartwrenching soliloquys, you will remain in a limbo indefinitely.

[4321sn]

Myname...oh dear is right ((

I know how you feel though and we will all support you to help you stay strong and will not think poorly of you if you are unable to. We just want you to feel better.

I got a text this morning too...

[myname]

I think you're treading very dangerous waters, myname. Many of us have done the back-and-forth dance in the past, but all it brought - at least for me - was more hurts and reinforced the realization that this road is leading nowhere. NC means no contact, period. Contact is only giving you the fix you so desperately need now that you are in the detox process. Him communicating with you and feeding you the same old BS at your most vulnerable time when you miss him so much only keeps you hanging on to this person who is not mature enough to sort out his life or at the very least give you space to heal. You have to see his words for what they are: same old baseless, bull***** words unsupported by action, only meant to give him his ego boost. And if you continue accepting his heartwrenching soliloquys, you will remain in a limbo indefinitely.

 

Yeah, I've just realised that, he's not saying anything new, nothing's changed, and I can remember I did tell him not to contact to just tell me he missed me. I'm in danger of falling into accepting less than I want just cos I'm missing him and feeling sad and have momentarily forgotten why I chose this route.

 

At least for the first time in about 3 months I have something to do this weekend, going to a friend's party on Saturday.

[4321sn]

I got this...

I am sorry for everything and want you to know that Im working through this. I know that you are good to me... This is not you... I own the mistakes here. I truly am sorry for my mistakes... Ashamed actually. I love you. I am trying to make this better.

 

Blah blah freaking blah!!!!

[myname]

Myname...oh dear is right ((

I know how you feel though and we will all support you to help you stay strong and will not think poorly of you if you are unable to. We just want you to feel better.

I got a text this morning too...

 

Thanks, I was totally softening up in my attitude towards him, even so far as to thinking maybe I could be ok seeing him again if we agreed what was acceptable, What am I on? How is it acceptable to me to go out with him and stand to one side while he is on the phone to his wife arguing cos he's out after 5pm, to have to take time off work if I want to see him cos that's the only time he can justifiably be out of the house, to not be able to contact him evenings or weekends unless he contacts me regardless of what happens in my life and what I need, to be wondering all the time whether things are better for him in his marriage, whether today is the day that he's going to tell me he can't see me anymore cos he owes it to her to give it a go, or whether things are worse and he's been found out and today is the day she's going to come into my workplace and throw the water cooler over me.

[4321sn]

I am sooooo glad you have plans Saturday

I do too. This is good for us.

[East7]

I think you're treading very dangerous waters, myname. Many of us have done the back-and-forth dance in the past, but all it brought - at least for me - was more hurts and reinforced the realization that this road is leading nowhere. NC means no contact, period. Contact is only giving you the fix you so desperately need now that you are in the detox process. Him communicating with you and feeding you the same old BS at your most vulnerable time when you miss him so much only keeps you hanging on to this person who is not mature enough to sort out his life or at the very least give you space to heal. You have to see his words for what they are: same old baseless, bull***** words unsupported by action, only meant to give him his ego boost. And if you continue accepting his heartwrenching soliloquys, you will remain in a limbo indefinitely.

 

Totally agree. Breaking NC follows the same patterns to everyone, no matter how specific of different the story was :

 

- NC breaking starts with innocents "How are you doing"

- Then you start to answer back and forth.

- The topic inevitably comes to the same point : I miss you-s, love you-s but nothing changes.

- Then the frustrations and pain come back.

- You realize that nothing has changed and go NC one more time.

[endlessness]

Yeah, I've just realised that, he's not saying anything new, nothing's changed, and I can remember I did tell him not to contact to just tell me he missed me. I'm in danger of falling into accepting less than I want just cos I'm missing him and feeling sad and have momentarily forgotten why I chose this route.

 

At least for the first time in about 3 months I have something to do this weekend, going to a friend's party on Saturday.

 

I'm glad you're seeing it for what it is. Unfortunately, we all crave those professions of undying love as a confirmation that it wasn't all a waste, that it wasn't all a lie, that there is still hope that he will finally make the necessary steps to really show us what we mean to them. These fixes bring enormous pleasure, but the effects wear off very quickly and you once again hit the rock bottom, looking for your next fix. That's what keeps the addiction going.

 

Remember that these men in no way determine our self-worth. So whether he contacts you or not, doesn't matter; you know what you're worth and you know what you deserve, and it's time to take action to get all the potential that's right at your feet out of this life. His words don't add or subtract anything from your life. They are just sounds, like a bird's chirp or a cow's moo, meaningless until supported by clear, definitive actions.

 

Stay strong.

[4321sn]

Can u post a link to where u first posted your story? I want to re-read it so I can advise u better...

[endlessness]

I got this...

I am sorry for everything and want you to know that Im working through this. I know that you are good to me... This is not you... I own the mistakes here. I truly am sorry for my mistakes... Ashamed actually. I love you. I am trying to make this better.

 

Blah blah freaking blah!!!!

 

Just like I said, a bird's chirp. Take it for what it is - just noise - acknowledge it's there but don't make it personal.

[myname]

Can u post a link to where u first posted your story? I want to re-read it so I can advise u better...

 

did you mean me?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3046194#post3046194

 

this was my first post on here, might have added more details in other posts but this gives a basic summary...

[blinded_27]

Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

Day 2: I'm about to crack.

 

Except NC has already been broken today... he commented on a status on my facebook and later messaged me asking if it was okay that he did that.... I wasn't going to respond but I did anyway and just wrote "ya sure"..

 

NOW it's all I can think about. I'm leaving after work today for my 5 hour trip home for the weekend. Usually when I make the trip he meets me after work in the parking lot and brings me a coffee and says goodbye to me in person.

 

This will be the first time we won't be doing that I want so badly to message him again and be like "aww this will be the first time you won't be here to say goodbye to me"... in hopes that maybe he'll come anyway.

 

This is SO HARD!!!!! I need to come here to stop myself... help

[blinded_27]

EDIT: OH speak of the devil, JUST as I was writing that he sent me a text message.

 

WTF.

 

He wants his distance... to be "alone" for now he says". He's separated from his wife, and he wants to work things out but he's scared of just settling for comfort with her and wants to make sure he's doing the right thing... he's still confused about the two of us. So he wants to be friends with me again... which I told him last Wednesday that I was going to walk away from all of this.

 

I don't know if he's doing this to be "friendly", or if he's just going crazy cuz I'm not talking to him... ?????

 

Edited November 19, 2010 by blinded_27

[BB07]

10 characters.......

 

Except NC has already been broken today... he commented on a status on my facebook and later messaged me asking if it was okay that he did that.... I wasn't going to respond but I did anyway and just wrote "ya sure"..

 

Hon, it's not truly NC unless YOU cut off the means he has to contact you. It's easy to BLOCK someone on FB.

 

This is SO HARD!!!!! I need to come here to stop myself... help

[blinded_27]

Hon, it's not truly NC unless YOU cut off the means he has to contact you. It's easy to BLOCK someone on FB.

 

I know... .ughhhh I didn't remove him because I don't want all of our friends to see the drama... they kind of know what's going on, but this whole thing is just so embarrassing.

 

I'm open to a friendship, eventually... or more, I'm curious to see if i can handle it... right now i'm definitely having a rough time with it though...

[BB07]

I know... .ughhhh I didn't remove him because I don't want all of our friends to see the drama... they kind of know what's going on, but this whole thing is just so embarrassing.

 

I'm open to a friendship, eventually... or more, I'm curious to see if i can handle it... right now i'm definitely having a rough time with it though...

 

You don't seem to be ready for a true ending........yes I know you have to get yourself to that point. Realistically you can NOT be friends EVER with this man. You are fooling yourself to think otherwise and really why would you want to be friends with him???

 

Just be honest with yourself and the way you feel RIGHT NOW. You aren't ready for it to be over yet. You are using the (it's not really NC) as a way to try to get him to change what he is doing. You have to get to the point when you are really done........finished, it means giving up hope. You aren't there yet.

[whichwayisup]

BLOCK and delete him, that way he can't contact you.

 

No contact = no new hurts. Make it impossible for him to reach out to you. Change your email address too, just move your contacts over and if possible delete the account, this way you're not tempted to read what he says to you.

 

Stay strong, all of you who are in NC mode. This isn't about your exMM or xMW, it's all about you and letting yourself really grieve, let go so you can begin your healing process. Let yourself go through stages of pain, don't be afraid of it - It's okay to cry, it's okay to miss him/her, just don't reach out to them or respond if they break NC.

 

Read this jewel, created by No Foolin'. Many others posted on this thread, it's a shame it's closed, but worth the read!!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

[blinded_27]

You don't seem to be ready for a true ending........yes I know you have to get yourself to that point. Realistically you can NOT be friends EVER with this man. You are fooling yourself to think otherwise and really why would you want to be friends with him???

 

Just be honest with yourself and the way you feel RIGHT NOW. You aren't ready for it to be over yet. You are using the (it's not really NC) as a way to try to get him to change what he is doing. You have to get to the point when you are really done........finished, it means giving up hope. You aren't there yet.

 

No, most definitely not... but are any of us really ready? That's what makes it so hard You're totally right. I definitely feel exactly how you described. But what does that mean... I should continue to talk to him until I'm fully ready? Blah.... I wish I was just magically over him... hahaha, or someone 10x better would just come into my life right now.

 

I just deleted his text, but keep I checking my phone now. *sigh* Totally not going to get any work done now lol...

 

BLOCK and delete him, that way he can't contact you.

 

No contact = no new hurts. Make it impossible for him to reach out to you. Change your email address too, just move your contacts over and if possible delete the account, this way you're not tempted to read what he says to you.

 

Stay strong, all of you who are in NC mode. This isn't about your exMM or xMW, it's all about you and letting yourself really grieve, let go so you can begin your healing process. Let yourself go through stages of pain, don't be afraid of it - It's okay to cry, it's okay to miss him/her, just don't reach out to them or respond if they break NC.

 

Read this jewel, created by No Foolin'. Many others posted on this thread, it's a shame it's closed, but worth the read!!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

 

Thanks, I know I'm going to have to do it eventually to really move on... thanks for the link too, I'll have to check that out!

Edited November 19, 2010 by blinded_27

[halemeno]

Day 3: Not sure how to handle today. It's his birthday, and he's already sent me a text saying that his birthday wish is to just lie around cuddling with me all day. I'm having a terrible time trying not to respond.

The only thing I can think of to keep me from replying is thinking back to my 18th birthday. It was the only time I've ever seen him in a non-sneaky daytime visit way, when he actually told his W that he was going to hang out with me. I was shocked and it felt wonderful -- he took me to my favorite museum and held my hand. For the first time, I felt like a girlfriend instead of a booty call. Then, everything was reversed and I felt like trash when he got up immediately after sex, said it was getting late and he had to go home, and went back to his wife. I guess this is normal (going home to his wife after being with me) but it was the first and only time it had happened to me and really hit me with the reality of the situation. I guess flashing back to that repeatedly might help me not respond to the fact that it's his birthday, but should I? Isn't it mean to not even wish him a happy day?

[blinded_27]

Day 3: Not sure how to handle today. It's his birthday, and he's already sent me a text saying that his birthday wish is to just lie around cuddling with me all day. I'm having a terrible time trying not to respond.

The only thing I can think of to keep me from replying is thinking back to my 18th birthday. It was the only time I've ever seen him in a non-sneaky daytime visit way, when he actually told his W that he was going to hang out with me. I was shocked and it felt wonderful -- he took me to my favorite museum and held my hand. For the first time, I felt like a girlfriend instead of a booty call. Then, everything was reversed and I felt like trash when he got up immediately after sex, said it was getting late and he had to go home, and went back to his wife. I guess this is normal (going home to his wife after being with me) but it was the first and only time it had happened to me and really hit me with the reality of the situation. I guess flashing back to that repeatedly might help me not respond to the fact that it's his birthday, but should I? Isn't it mean to not even wish him a happy day?

 

aww That is tough... he doesn't deserve a 'happy birthday' from you!!! Not wishing him a happy birthday doesn't even compare to what he put you through. Stray strong with me girl!!!! Buddy has messaged me, YET again... it's getting harder and harder... this will be the 4th time today. Asking if I've seen something that belongs to him now so I'll have to answer... GAH!!!!!!

[siuys]

My incentive to stay NC:

 

- His emotional instability and indecisiveness led to much confusion and stress

- He went back to 'work on his marriage' twice. Each time I tried to move on, he came back and screwed with my head all over again

- He asked for a 6-month break and then came back days later, stuffing me around yet again

- The times he cancelled stuff last minute coz of kids, wife, whatever

- The numerous times I felt unimportant, and at the bottom of the list

- The inconsistent behaviour, the hot and cold, the ambiguity

- The emotional turmoil, stress that eventually led to my anxiety attacks

 

I actually thank my anxiety attacks. They were telling me I was at my limit. I spoke to xMM about it, and although it has only been a week, we have stopped all contact. Hopefully he will respect this enough to keep away.

[siuys]

And of course I remind myself that I had let it happen - as much my responsibility as his.

[endlessness]

I'm open to a friendship, eventually... or more, I'm curious to see if i can handle it... right now i'm definitely having a rough time with it though...

 

Yep, I was too. When I initially went NC, I did it with the thought that I would heal for a month and then rebuild our friendship. I gave myself precise timelines... wow, what a foolish time that was. Contacting him was like a reward at the end, something I could look forward to while we were NC. It's like a recovering alcoholic looking forward to his first drink at the end of his treatment. It doesn't make any sense! And, as it has been reiterated by other OPs so many times on this forum, breaking NC plunged me back into dysfunction. It was pointless, because I wasn't committed to my recovery. But I have to admit, I never would have understood the futility of this kind of thinking if I hadn't experienced the consequences directly. Now I definitely know better and I remain unwavered. I'm sorry, but by holding on, by keeping the avenues of approach open for him, you're only prolonging your own suffering.

 

You have to make a conscious decision to end it for good for your own sake and do it right if you ever want to begin the healing process. As long as you keep getting your fixes, you will continue being hooked. No A is so complicated that you can't cut all ties and walk away from it for good. So get off this roller coaster ride from hell.

[BB07]

OK..........ladies, most of you are truly NOT doing NC. It means not only you not contacting him, but it means cutting the avenues that he has of contacting you. Until you do that you can't truly say you are NC.

 

I know it's a difficult step but it is up to you.........it really is.

 

If the relationship you have is more pain than pleasure, if your mind is preoccupied with how he is feeling or why is he doing this or that, or you are desperate, or you are losing your self respect and being a doormat....then it's time to do something different. Usually that something is ending it.