NC support thread

[MorningCoffee]

No, most definitely not... but are any of us really ready? That's what makes it so hard You're totally right. I definitely feel exactly how you described. But what does that mean... I should continue to talk to him until I'm fully ready? Blah.... I wish I was just magically over him... hahaha, or someone 10x better would just come into my life right now.

 

I just deleted his text, but keep I checking my phone now. *sigh* Totally not going to get any work done now lol...

 

 

 

Thanks, I know I'm going to have to do it eventually to really move on... thanks for the link too, I'll have to check that out!

 

As someone else wrote here, it takes as long as it takes. But yes, a time does come when you are really ready. My time was months in arriving, included months of NC, a few months of LC by phone only, and then a long phone call after which I finally could fully see Reality. And I was ready. Blocking all numbers, email and Facebook then was easy!!!

[Pokemon]

I have no urge of contacting him at all still.

 

In the past, I will feel the anxiety that you guys are talking about.

 

In some sick sense, I want him to go back to his wife so I can be freed from being a prisoner of this warped triangle.

 

The one thing I have trouble with is stopping myself from checking his phone records. He still hasn't changed his password and he wife HAS contacted him. Still, no urge from me to contact him.

[4321sn]

Ok so how does one get to the point where they give up hope? I can say Im done all I want. I honestly am not there yet. Just trying to manage my feelings. I feel like I'm trying to make it through this waiting period. I still have hope. Can I do anything practical to let that hope go? Or is it just a natural process? Will I do it when I'm ready?

[4321sn]

That's great Pokemon! Just be careful because your feelings may change quickly. Stop looking at his phone records. Something u find might upset you and cause you to break NC.

[MorningCoffee]

Ok so how does one get to the point where they give up hope? I can say Im done all I want. I honestly am not there yet. Just trying to manage my feelings. I feel like I'm trying to make it through this waiting period. I still have hope. Can I do anything practical to let that hope go? Or is it just a natural process? Will I do it when I'm ready?

 

What works for one may not work for another, but for me, a SOM to ex-AP/MW, it was the passage of time (extremely painful), doing all the things I could do to put her in my past (details in my other threads), and then when I had healed enough from losing her from my everyday life, very Low Contact that let me learn a couple key things - including that she had changed nothing in her M other than breaking off seeing me, and that at her core, she and I were not really a fit for a LTR in any case, as there were some essential incompatibilities that I had not been aware of during the affair. So then it was not a matter of giving up hope, so much as seeing reality.

 

Summed up my healing stages in two signs I had up for a while on my fridge: "She's gone, I'm movin' on" and later, "She'd never do, so I say toodle-oo!"

 

Don't mean to make light -- I SUFFERED! But now, I am past that, and I want to tell you, you can get there too. I am not sorry I had this relationship, despite the pain, as I learned a whole heck of a lot (and I am no youngster!), but I'm glad that I have made this recovery, and hope my sharing my experience will help you to do what you need to do as well.

 

Best wishes.

[steelknife]

As someone else wrote here, it takes as long as it takes. But yes, a time does come when you are really ready. My time was months in arriving, included months of NC, a few months of LC by phone only, and then a long phone call after which I finally could fully see Reality. And I was ready. Blocking all numbers, email and Facebook then was easy!!!

 

im on my 39th day but there were several attempts from him to call me. twice we spoke. it was just the usual how are you and he never got past that bec i odnt volunteer info. and i end it letting him know i am angry.

 

ive blocked him from my cp, deleted my fb since dday but he calls me here at home. now i dont pick up ANY calls from me on our landline(shares a flat) bec anyone who can, will text or call my mob. i still miss him. but the pain i would get if i listen to him, outweighs the feelings. its not worth it anymore. i was an idiot. i was stupid...and i dont want to subject myself into those feelings of hope, and roller coaster ride and lost expectations. he made a decsion when dday happened and if i used to asked why, it was only because i couldnt accept the truth. truth be said that i never meant to him like what i made myself believe.

 

in the past, i already knew i was in a toxic relationship. many times for the latter part of the 26 months, ive struggle to be free. and although i dont break nc, he does. my prob was, i was always there where he left me. and would always take me back. when dday happened, it was so painful for the first 3 weeks- i just died but i knew i would not call him no matter what.; i normally dont, never did. so why start now. but it hurt so bad..

 

but this time, i made a vow to move on. it was very hard bec i will be a hypocrite if i say i dont hope. i dont expect him to call or him to tell me we get back togehter, but deep inside, i hope. but the thing is, it was so painful..by the time he came around to start calling me, i was able to not to pick the phone, or not answer the knock on my door when flatmates come knocking to say there is a call -all the while holding my breath. it was a CONSCIOUS DELIBERATE decision. i was able to do that because i dont want to budge an inch to open myself to him, i dont want to give him a chance to hurt me because i know how terrible it feels to be left hanging. i realized i had a control on that- by not listening to whatever it is he had to say.

 

the last time we spoke 3 days ago, cauught me unaware bec it wasnt the usual time he normally would call. he kept asking how am i. what am doing. why i deleted my fb now he cant see photos of me, who i go out with on week ends. he got scared he said when he heard fr mutual friends i was moving to another state ( and i asked back "what are you scared of???!! that you wont hear from me again???? and he said, sounding like a wimp, "nothing") anyway, i told him not to call me anymore, i reallymeant it.i am angry. as i was enjoying the rant and rave, he cut me off and said he has to go. i said FINE and hang up. jerk.

 

anyway, i know it is over. ive gone through so much pain. for 5 weeks i know the feeling was pain and hurt but there were also other feelings. but this time, ijust know i have to helpmyself. and i know i need to focus on me. ill never allow myself to listen to what he has to say anymore because I DONT WANT TO EXPERIENCE THE PAIN I WENT THROUGH. this time, i come first. my feelings come first. it it is painful for me, then i wont go through anything.

 

i have not move on. but yes i am ready to. i thank all the LS posters. i spend so much time reading from you experiences and yes, it has helped me a lot.

 

i know it will be easier day by day...

[4321sn]

Steelknife you have come so far!!!!! There is an obvious change in your language. You are moving out of sadness and despair and on to anger. You are on your way to freedom ))

[fooled once]

I've had another email from MM last night, saying... yeah saying what exactly, he uses a lot of words to say not an awful lot, boils down to he misses me, he's been feeling sad, he understands why I've broken off contact but he'd still like to talk to me at some point.

 

Then he texted me this morning saying he'd sent me an email and he'd like to phone me sometime.

 

I'm kind of glad he contacted me, although I know the danger of getting sucked back in I've missed him and like having heard from him. Oh dear.

 

PLEASE stop reading his texts and do not answer his calls.

 

What has changed? NOTHING - you are still the mistress. You are still not the girlfriend. He is still MARRIED.

 

I think you're treading very dangerous waters, myname. Many of us have done the back-and-forth dance in the past, but all it brought - at least for me - was more hurts and reinforced the realization that this road is leading nowhere. NC means no contact, period. Contact is only giving you the fix you so desperately need now that you are in the detox process. Him communicating with you and feeding you the same old BS at your most vulnerable time when you miss him so much only keeps you hanging on to this person who is not mature enough to sort out his life or at the very least give you space to heal. You have to see his words for what they are: same old baseless, bull***** words unsupported by action, only meant to give him his ego boost. And if you continue accepting his heartwrenching soliloquys, you will remain in a limbo indefinitely.

 

Agree

 

Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

Day 2: I'm about to crack.

 

Except NC has already been broken today... he commented on a status on my facebook and later messaged me asking if it was okay that he did that.... I wasn't going to respond but I did anyway and just wrote "ya sure"..

 

NOW it's all I can think about. I'm leaving after work today for my 5 hour trip home for the weekend. Usually when I make the trip he meets me after work in the parking lot and brings me a coffee and says goodbye to me in person.

 

This will be the first time we won't be doing that I want so badly to message him again and be like "aww this will be the first time you won't be here to say goodbye to me"... in hopes that maybe he'll come anyway.

 

This is SO HARD!!!!! I need to come here to stop myself... help

 

You are not in NC. You have not deleted him. You want him to contact you. That isn't NC. Stop talking to him. UNLESS you are okay being the mistress. IF you want more - DEMAND MORE and respect yourself more. He is not making you his priority - he is making you his option, his side fling.

 

EDIT: OH speak of the devil, JUST as I was writing that he sent me a text message.

 

WTF.

 

He wants his distance... to be "alone" for now he says". He's separated from his wife, and he wants to work things out but he's scared of just settling for comfort with her and wants to make sure he's doing the right thing... he's still confused about the two of us. So he wants to be friends with me again... which I told him last Wednesday that I was going to walk away from all of this.

 

I don't know if he's doing this to be "friendly", or if he's just going crazy cuz I'm not talking to him... ?????

 

 

So he is TELLING YOU he is staying with his wife and working on his marriage. He is also saying he wants to keep you on the side, for when things get "tough" at home He needs you to stroke his ego, tell him what a great guy he is, what a meanie his wife is for not meeting every one of HIS needs ( and we can be sure he is not meeting any of her needs). So if you told him you were WALKING AWAY - then walk. If you are going to talk the talk - walk the walk. If you don't HONOR your words, then your words mean nothing.

 

I know... .ughhhh I didn't remove him because I don't want all of our friends to see the drama... they kind of know what's going on, but this whole thing is just so embarrassing.

 

I'm open to a friendship, eventually... or more, I'm curious to see if i can handle it... right now i'm definitely having a rough time with it though...

 

?? don't want your friends to see what? By NOT removing him/blocking him, you are telling him you WANT him to see what you are doing. YOU WANT him in your life. But he has told you HE wants to making his MARRIAGE work.

 

How can you be "friends" with him? He doesn't respect you. He has used you for his own ego stroking. You can't handle "friends" with him because you want more. You want him to pursue you, because you think that means he cares. It means he is horny. You provide fantasy for him. You want more. If you want to remain his mistress, by all means, continue contact. But if you want more - then tell him to STOP contacting you until he is DIVORCED.

 

You don't seem to be ready for a true ending........yes I know you have to get yourself to that point. Realistically you can NOT be friends EVER with this man. You are fooling yourself to think otherwise and really why would you want to be friends with him???

 

Just be honest with yourself and the way you feel RIGHT NOW. You aren't ready for it to be over yet. You are using the (it's not really NC) as a way to try to get him to change what he is doing. You have to get to the point when you are really done........finished, it means giving up hope. You aren't there yet.

 

Agree, agree agree!!

 

Day 3: Not sure how to handle today. It's his birthday, and he's already sent me a text saying that his birthday wish is to just lie around cuddling with me all day. I'm having a terrible time trying not to respond.

The only thing I can think of to keep me from replying is thinking back to my 18th birthday. It was the only time I've ever seen him in a non-sneaky daytime visit way, when he actually told his W that he was going to hang out with me. I was shocked and it felt wonderful -- he took me to my favorite museum and held my hand. For the first time, I felt like a girlfriend instead of a booty call. Then, everything was reversed and I felt like trash when he got up immediately after sex, said it was getting late and he had to go home, and went back to his wife. I guess this is normal (going home to his wife after being with me) but it was the first and only time it had happened to me and really hit me with the reality of the situation. I guess flashing back to that repeatedly might help me not respond to the fact that it's his birthday, but should I? Isn't it mean to not even wish him a happy day?

 

Were you there when he allegedly told his wife he was spending the day with you? What do you mean it was the first time he left and went home to his wife? Doesn't he do that after every visit?

 

Are you done being the booty call? Can I ask how old you are? How old is he? how long have you been the mistress?

 

You want to text him because you want to remind him you are waiting for him. Trust me, he knows. Why do so many OW think they have to remind the MM of this when they say they are going NC? He knows. He doesn't want the sex to end. Why are you allowing yourself to be an option and not a priority?

 

If you are done - BE DONE. If you aren't, then don't say you are done.

 

COME ON LADIES - you can do this!!!! YOU CAN!!! Yes it is hard, but it is SOOO worth it. You will get your FREEDOM back - you will stop waiting for a text, a phone call, an email. You will be free from him leaving your bed to go to his wife's bed (or the other way around). You will find someone DESERVING of your bed, your body and your heart.

 

Each day you STAY NC, is a day forward. Stop going backwards. GO forward and don't look back!

 

OK..........ladies, most of you are truly NOT doing NC. It means not only you not contacting him, but it means cutting the avenues that he has of contacting you. Until you do that you can't truly say you are NC.

 

I know it's a difficult step but it is up to you.........it really is.

 

If the relationship you have is more pain than pleasure, if your mind is preoccupied with how he is feeling or why is he doing this or that, or you are desperate, or you are losing your self respect and being a doormat....then it's time to do something different. Usually that something is ending it.

[BB07]

Wow Steelknife, you have come a long way! :)

 

Good for you and I'm proud of you, you are letting him suck you back in. He was fishing.........don't fall for it because you would be repeating the same thing down the road.

 

You go girl!

[endlessness]

 

but this time, i made a vow to move on. it was very hard bec i will be a hypocrite if i say i dont hope. i dont expect him to call or him to tell me we get back togehter, but deep inside, i hope. but the thing is, it was so painful..by the time he came around to start calling me, i was able to not to pick the phone, or not answer the knock on my door when flatmates come knocking to say there is a call -all the while holding my breath. it was a CONSCIOUS DELIBERATE decision. i was able to do that because i dont want to budge an inch to open myself to him, i dont want to give him a chance to hurt me because i know how terrible it feels to be left hanging. i realized i had a control on that- by not listening to whatever it is he had to say.

 

 

That's exactly what got me to week five of NC - a promise to myself. One second I was sitting at my computer, updating myself on his life through his W's posts on a forum and the next I made a conscious decision to walk away from all of it. With that promise I also gave up all hope and immediately felt much lighter, because that hope is a huge burden to carry.

 

I DONT WANT TO EXPERIENCE THE PAIN I WENT THROUGH. this time, i come first. my feelings come first.

 

And you don't have to. None of us do. The strangest thing is that we have all the power and tools we ever need to make the pain stop. Unfortunately, some of us - myself included - take a little longer to realize our self-worth and find confidence in our own strength. I mean, all it takes is just little bit of mental will. No physical reality needs to be altered. Just the contents of our head.

 

 

I'm sorry that this person still won't give you peace, steelknife. But I can see that you're totally determined and you're clearly on your way there. I suggest you block his number too because his attempts to contact you will continue hindering your healing process.

[BB07]

I left out a word in my prior post........it totally screwed up my meaning. Sorry about that.

 

Wow Steelknife, you have come a long way! :)

 

Good for you and I'm proud of you, you are NOT letting him suck you back in. He was fishing.........don't fall for it because you would be repeating the same thing down the road.

 

You go girl!

[siuys]

The more I think about it, the more I find it ridiculous that I'm still holding onto this R. He's married, messed up, and he stuffed me around. I am single, have everything going for me, but longing for some selfish loser. I am amazed I even think he deserves me. I know it will take me a little while longer, but so moving on...

[newpriorities]

Just heard this song on the radio--it's called Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri...thought the lyrics were great for us!

"I know I can't take one more step towards you

Cause all that's waiting is regret

And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore

You lost the love I loved the most

 

I learned to live half alive

And now you want me one more time

 

And who do you think you are

Running 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Who do you think you are

 

I hear you're asking all around

If I am anywhere to be found

But I have grown too strong

To ever fall back in your arms

 

I learned to live half alive

And now you want me one more time

 

And who do you think you are

Running 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Who do you think you are

 

And it took so long just to feel alright

Remember how to put back the light in my eyes

I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed

Cause you broke all your promises

And now you're back

You don't get to get me back

 

And who do you think you are

Running 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Don't come back at all

 

And who do you think you are

Running 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

Don't come back for me

Don't come back at all

 

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?"

 

Hope everyone is having a good weekend

[halemeno]

Were you there when he allegedly told his wife he was spending the day with you? What do you mean it was the first time he left and went home to his wife? Doesn't he do that after every visit?

 

Are you done being the booty call? Can I ask how old you are? How old is he? how long have you been the mistress?

 

To answer your technical questions:

No, I definitely have no way of knowing if anything he says is true. I don't think it would be a big deal for him to mention taking me out for my birthday, though, because he's told me that he told his W that I'm a lesbian and we just get coffee sometimes. (Classy, yes.)

He refuses to come to my place except the time he did on my birthday, so I've always had to go to his. That's why it felt odd for him to be the one to leave instead of me. Not only was this a bad arrangement because I don't drive (taking the bus to his place every other day), but having sex in the bed his W sleeps in and seeing her things constantly plagued me with guilt.

I'm 19, he's 26, and we've been involved for about 6 months.

 

Thank you for being honest with me. You're right, I've deleted his number from my phone but not blocked it, so I can still receive contacts from him. I know that the reason I'm hesitant to block him is the fear that as soon as I do, he will come to me in need of help. I know that's silly, but I don't know how to deal with that worry.

[blinded_27]

Just heard this song on the radio--it's called Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri...thought the lyrics were great for us!

"I know I can't take one more step towards you

Cause all that's waiting is regret

And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore

You lost the love I loved the most

 

I learned to live half alive

And now you want me one more time

 

And who do you think you are

Running 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Who do you think you are

 

I hear you're asking all around

If I am anywhere to be found

But I have grown too strong

To ever fall back in your arms

 

I learned to live half alive

And now you want me one more time

 

And who do you think you are

Running 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Who do you think you are

 

And it took so long just to feel alright

Remember how to put back the light in my eyes

I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed

Cause you broke all your promises

And now you're back

You don't get to get me back

 

And who do you think you are

Running 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Don't come back at all

 

And who do you think you are

Running 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

Don't come back for me

Don't come back at all

 

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?

Who do you think you are?"

 

Hope everyone is having a good weekend

 

Great song! I'll have to download that when I get home

 

So I got this awesome text from him this morning (among many many others from last night.... Which I have NOT responded to!!!). It said, "I just want to say good morning. I hate this. I can't do this. I NEED you in my life"

 

Hahhaha ok. I love the "I NEED you in my life" part. Not, "I want to be with you", just, "in his life"...... Like what... on the side? Just in case? Just there to make him feel better about himself? What an ass!!!!

 

This "NC" (okay maybe LC cuz im just not responding) thing is getting easier and easier. Day 3 and I feel better again already.

[myname]

I feel so alone.

 

So sad and lonely. It's all hurting really badly.

 

And I went out tonight, and it makes no difference. I'm lost in my own misery all of my own making.

[BB07]

I feel so alone.

 

So sad and lonely. It's all hurting really badly.

 

And I went out tonight, and it makes no difference. I'm lost in my own misery all of my own making.

 

 

Big hugs...........myname.

 

You have to walk through it to come out on the other side.

[myname]

Big hugs...........myname.

 

You have to walk through it to come out on the other side.

 

it hurts so much right now I'm barely crawling through this

[4321sn]

Myname, at least you went out and tried to help yourself. I cancelled on my friends.

[newpriorities]

it hurts so much right now I'm barely crawling through this

 

Then crawl if you must, one baby step at a time...and give yourself time...you need to do what's right for YOU. I know it hurts, a friend once told me it's like being skinned alive, right? Winston Churchill once said, "If you are going through hell, keep going."

 

It's good that you went out...keep making plans, it will get better!

[newpriorities]

Myname, at least you went out and tried to help yourself. I cancelled on my friends.

 

Why did you cancel? It's really difficult to get out of bed at times, but I have my kids and my work (even though he's there) which keep me going. I think it's really helpful to keep as busy as possible, even if it's just busy work! Hang in there!

[myname]

Myname, at least you went out and tried to help yourself. I cancelled on my friends.

 

I felt like cancelling beforehand, don't know what I should have done cos it didn't help me feel better going out, made me just more aware of what I was missing, and I traveled back on the bus trying to hide my tears.

[4321sn]

My kids are with their dad this weekend so it makes it worse. Plus he called this morning and I spoke to him. That's why I feel so terrible now. Honestly how many times do I have to get punched in the face before I decide I've had enough?

I told him that him contacting me is just selfish and if he wants me to be happy he will let me be.

A few minutes ago I just got this text;

 

I am sorry about earlier... I hate hurting you...

 

He always says that. And I say stop saying sorry because your sorries are meaningless when you keep hurting me.

[newpriorities]

My kids are with their dad this weekend so it makes it worse. Plus he called this morning and I spoke to him. That's why I feel so terrible now. Honestly how many times do I have to get punched in the face before I decide I've had enough?

I told him that him contacting me is just selfish and if he wants me to be happy he will let me be.

A few minutes ago I just got this text;

 

I am sorry about earlier... I hate hurting you...

 

He always says that. And I say stop saying sorry because your sorries are meaningless when you keep hurting me.

 

He's being terribly selfish. He very well might "hate hurting you" but he's satisfying HIS need for contact and not respecting YOUR need. Have you thought about blocking the texts? I was terrified when I did it, but then felt so relieved to not be looking for the flashing red light on my phone all day/night!!

[fooled once]

To answer your technical questions:

No, I definitely have no way of knowing if anything he says is true. I don't think it would be a big deal for him to mention taking me out for my birthday, though, because he's told me that he told his W that I'm a lesbian and we just get coffee sometimes. (Classy, yes.)

He refuses to come to my place except the time he did on my birthday, so I've always had to go to his. That's why it felt odd for him to be the one to leave instead of me. Not only was this a bad arrangement because I don't drive (taking the bus to his place every other day), but having sex in the bed his W sleeps in and seeing her things constantly plagued me with guilt.

I'm 19, he's 26, and we've been involved for about 6 months.

 

Thank you for being honest with me. You're right, I've deleted his number from my phone but not blocked it, so I can still receive contacts from him. I know that the reason I'm hesitant to block him is the fear that as soon as I do, he will come to me in need of help. I know that's silly, but I don't know how to deal with that worry.

 

((hugs)) thank you for answering my questions. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. How utterly classless of him to insist you go and have sex with him in his wife's bed and honestly, I don't get why you would do that. I know, I know -- you love him.

 

I hope you heal. You are so young and there is so much more ahead of you than this. Good luck!