NC support thread

[Pokemon]

I'm 19, he's 26, and we've been involved for about 6 months.

 

 

What?! How old is this idiot (the MM)? You are only 19? You are a teenager! How selfish of him.. Shouldn't he be looking out for you? He should have the better sense to know you are a lot younger and to protect you from this!

 

Btw I am 26. lol!!

[siuys]

It's been just over a week of NC. Feeling quite good in general, but I notice that every day I have these low moments. I think of him far too much, and far too often. It's harder at night, and in the morning. It's hard on Sundays as I used to spend Sundays with him. I know what he does on certain days of the week so I think about those too. But I keep reminding myself, that despite the fact that he told me he is no longer working on his M, he has moved back home, probably sleeping with his W and playing the happy family man. That despite him being a great person, he's messed up and has dragged me down with him. That his inconsistencies and swaying has caused me so much pain and anxiety attacks. That no matter what I must stick to my word and not contact him.

 

I read on LS and I read articles online or books to help me understand my own behaviour and why I chose to stay in this A/R for 9 months. I asked myself why I chose pain as opposed to love. Why I got addicted to him. Every time I feel like contacting him, or missing him a lot, I remind myself that it's a craving. Like a craving for a cigarette. It's because I am addicted to him.

 

I have never been in a R that is so painful. Chemistry and connection aside, it was simply too f*cked up. I still dream of the day that he will turn up at my door and tells me he's filed for D. Dream on, I tell myself. I remind myself my situation is far from unique, and that we're so not different to the many cases here on LS.

 

I AM moving on, but I guess just not as fast as I'd like it to be. I don't usually dwell on things. I wish he had told me he's back with his W for good, and has not come back. Now I can't stop wondering if that's true or not. But if history is any indication, he'll flipping and flopping still for a while, and it's good that I am no longer in the picture. I shouldn't really CARE about it anymore. That's what I'm working on...

[endlessness]

It's been just over a week of NC. Feeling quite good in general, but I notice that every day I have these low moments. I think of him far too much, and far too often. It's harder at night, and in the morning. It's hard on Sundays as I used to spend Sundays with him. I know what he does on certain days of the week so I think about those too. But I keep reminding myself, that despite the fact that he told me he is no longer working on his M, he has moved back home, probably sleeping with his W and playing the happy family man. That despite him being a great person, he's messed up and has dragged me down with him. That his inconsistencies and swaying has caused me so much pain and anxiety attacks. That no matter what I must stick to my word and not contact him.

 

I read on LS and I read articles online or books to help me understand my own behaviour and why I chose to stay in this A/R for 9 months. I asked myself why I chose pain as opposed to love. Why I got addicted to him. Every time I feel like contacting him, or missing him a lot, I remind myself that it's a craving. Like a craving for a cigarette. It's because I am addicted to him.

 

I have never been in a R that is so painful. Chemistry and connection aside, it was simply too f*cked up. I still dream of the day that he will turn up at my door and tells me he's filed for D. Dream on, I tell myself. I remind myself my situation is far from unique, and that we're so not different to the many cases here on LS.

 

I AM moving on, but I guess just not as fast as I'd like it to be. I don't usually dwell on things. I wish he had told me he's back with his W for good, and has not come back. Now I can't stop wondering if that's true or not. But if history is any indication, he'll flipping and flopping still for a while, and it's good that I am no longer in the picture. I shouldn't really CARE about it anymore. That's what I'm working on...

 

You should give yourself a break; I mean it's been only a week and you're already making so much progress. Unfortunately, it is futile to rush the healing process along. It's been close to 6 weeks for me and I still think about him all the time. I am a very stubborn person - once I make up my mind about something there is no stopping me - and yet I still get those low moments... just two nights ago, I had a dream about him, nothing special really, but I woke up in terror and the entire day it was as if I was back to square one. Though yesterday wasn't a very pleasant experience, it gave me more perspective: if a dream did that to me, what effect would actual contact have on me?

 

You're right, it is an addiction, and each hit - which, to us, is any contact of any kind - only keeps us hooked and prolongs our suffering. You've already had some very important realizations, which means that you're well on your way to recovery. Be patient with yourself.

[siuys]

Thanks endlessness. Appreciate the words of comfort. Wow, 6 weeks. That's progress. I think I'll be so DONE by 6 weeks if he manages not to contact me. The longest NC we've managed is about 2.5 weeks so I'm dreading it a little.

 

I woke up in the middle of the night with thoughts of him, and thus the associated stress. I couldn't get back to sleep. So again, another reminder to write him out of my life. I can't continue with this no sleep thing it's killing me.

 

Thanks and hope you're doing well. You sound like you are.

[endlessness]

Thanks endlessness. Appreciate the words of comfort. Wow, 6 weeks. That's progress. I think I'll be so DONE by 6 weeks if he manages not to contact me. The longest NC we've managed is about 2.5 weeks so I'm dreading it a little.

 

I woke up in the middle of the night with thoughts of him, and thus the associated stress. I couldn't get back to sleep. So again, another reminder to write him out of my life. I can't continue with this no sleep thing it's killing me.

 

Thanks and hope you're doing well. You sound like you are.

 

Well it's six weeks and I definitely wouldn't go as far as saying I'm done; so here's a challenge for you: beat me at this thing

 

I'm sorry your sleep is affected by this. The one relief that I immediately found when I ended the A was that I was once again able to sleep. Sleeping pills are no longer required. So, if nothing else, this alone is a testament to my healing.

[halemeno]

I just wanted to say that I am so proud of all of you and I think you're all doing great. Congratulations!

 

You've definitely been stronger than I have. It's only Day 5 and I've already caved. I ended up wishing him a happy birthday, and was so elated when he responded. But after exchanging a few texts, he disappeared. I definitely got sucked right back to where I was, because I was checking my phone constantly, waiting to feel validated by his response. He didn't reply, and stupidly I asked the next day how his birthday was. He never did respond, and now I feel like an idiot for giving in and undoing the little bit of progress I've made.

 

It made me feel important when he said that he wanted to spend his birthday with me, and now I feel very unimportant by being ignored. I even fell for the image he spun: us happily spending time together, but I know that I've never had a happy moment with him, always worrying and feeling guilty.

 

I want to get angry so that I can erase him from my life without feeling bad about it. How did you all get to that place?

[endlessness]

I ended up wishing him a happy birthday, and was so elated when he responded. But after exchanging a few texts, he disappeared. I definitely got sucked right back to where I was, because I was checking my phone constantly, waiting to feel validated by his response. He didn't reply, and stupidly I asked the next day how his birthday was. He never did respond, and now I feel like an idiot for giving in and undoing the little bit of progress I've made.

 

Been there, done that. I'm so sorry you have to go through this pain; I know how torturous it is to wait for that validation and how excruciating it is to realize how little we in fact mean to them, regardless of that they think or say. Don't despair though because it's all learning.

 

I want to get angry so that I can erase him from my life without feeling bad about it. How did you all get to that place?

 

Honestly, anger has been the most difficult of all of the stages in the recovery process for me. It's a very destructive place to be because instead of bringing about his extinction, it fuels the compulsive desire to hurt this person back. Although my fury has diminished significantly, I still can't bring myself to forgive him.

[Pokemon]

I want to get angry so that I can erase him from my life without feeling bad about it. How did you all get to that place?

 

 

Easy. I found proof that he told me ONE BIG LIE for the last 3 months. He told me he was going for IC. I never knew how MC works, like how you both go individually and then decide to go together, so I always thought he was going for IC. Told him long ago that I won't stand for MC.

 

When I found out, this cowardly guy was so afraid to even tell me, he left me in his own apartment and went to his buddy's place! I had to piece it all by myself in the next 3 days.

 

That's when I lost all respect for him, after realizing how he could lie to me without flinching. I even remember asking him one morning when he just woke up in bed and he even lied to me! WTF!

 

Doing very good on NC, but very hard to stop obsessing and re-analyzing everything repeatedly in my head. I hate it.

[4321sn]

Well I started this thread and I now I feel like a disgrace to it

If you are struggling please I beg of you don't break NC.

 

I am sucked back into the drama once again. Talked to him about his MC. Said the therapist gave her an assignment to think of 5 good things about him. Just then it hit me...he is in MC hoping to make her realize that the marriage is over. SHE thinks there is a chance. He has no desire to make it work. I realized "what an a$$!"

 

if he could do that to her he could do it to me. In the past he has avoided telling me difficujt things because he didn't want to hurt or disappoint me. He is doing the same thing to both of us.

 

I told him that it was terrible to make her think she has a chance when there is none.

 

So he was just texting me and didn't respond for a bit. Came back and said "sorry I was being yelled at"

WTF!? Honestly I need to be done. Seriously-she is soooo horrible and yells at home, is controlling and mean yet he stays with her??? Poor baby.

 

He is so afraid to hurt anyone so in the process he hurts everyone...or he just wants what is good for him...

 

What is my problem??? Am I trying to save him?

Why do I do this to myself?

Maybe I don't want the past year and a half to have been a waste? Maybe I want to "win". Prove people wrong?

 

There is nothing good left about us. Nothing. I'm holding on to what boils down to a feeling good less that 5% of the time.

 

 

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

No more drama!!!

[siuys]

Endlessness,

 

I can relate to the sleeping thing because a couple of months ago when I had written him off (in my head) I felt I was moving on and could sleep (before he made contact and the whole **** started again obviously). This time, it's because we parted ways differently. He's supposed to contact me when he's sorted his **** out and has moved on significantly. I begged him not to contact me because I was having anxiety attacks. Bottom line, I just don't believe him anymore. Not that he's a liar, but I now know that he is NOT done with his M although he thought he was... i guess because of how we parted ways this time, it's not FINAL as such but I'm working on it being final in MY head.

 

I had contemplated texting or emailing him to tell him it's over and not to bother to come back or anything because i've written him out of my life. But then I thought it would throw me back to square one. If I can manage that on my own in MY head, what diff is that going to make, right?

 

What do you think? Walk away in silence or tell him one last time? I prefer walk away in silence...

[Pokemon]

In the past he has avoided telling me difficujt things because he didn't want to hurt or disappoint me. He is doing the same thing to both of us.

 

I told him that it was terrible to make her think she has a chance when there is none.

 

You realize that by saying that, he may be telling his wife, "I have no desire to be with 4321sn, she keeps hanging on and chasing me down."

 

You have no idea what he is telling either side, just that he is getting the best of both worlds.

 

I think my xMM is the same type of person as yours. Avoiding telling you difficult things because he doesn't want to hurt or disappoint.

 

Well guess what? I got hurt anyway, after I pieced the puzzle together by MYSELF even when he didn't have to say jack sh*t!

 

At some point, you have to draw the line for yourself if you want to take on more of his indecisiveness, lying, double-timing, fear of facing up to his mess, being dragged and flipped around in the mud, etc.

[4321sn]

She doesn't know about me...

[Pokemon]

She doesn't know about me...

 

 

That's even worse, right? He's still hiding you...

[blinded_27]

Well I started this thread and I now I feel like a disgrace to it

If you are struggling please I beg of you don't break NC.

 

I am sucked back into the drama once again. Talked to him about his MC. Said the therapist gave her an assignment to think of 5 good things about him. Just then it hit me...he is in MC hoping to make her realize that the marriage is over. SHE thinks there is a chance. He has no desire to make it work. I realized "what an a$$!"

 

if he could do that to her he could do it to me. In the past he has avoided telling me difficujt things because he didn't want to hurt or disappoint me. He is doing the same thing to both of us.

 

I told him that it was terrible to make her think she has a chance when there is none.

 

So he was just texting me and didn't respond for a bit. Came back and said "sorry I was being yelled at"

WTF!? Honestly I need to be done. Seriously-she is soooo horrible and yells at home, is controlling and mean yet he stays with her??? Poor baby.

 

He is so afraid to hurt anyone so in the process he hurts everyone...or he just wants what is good for him...

 

What is my problem??? Am I trying to save him?

Why do I do this to myself?

Maybe I don't want the past year and a half to have been a waste? Maybe I want to "win". Prove people wrong?

 

There is nothing good left about us. Nothing. I'm holding on to what boils down to a feeling good less that 5% of the time.

 

 

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

No more drama!!!

 

Bah!!!!!!!!!!!! Brutal..... I broke NC tonight too. But only to tell him I was gonna call the cops on him if he didn't stop ringing my doorbell at 12am and calling my phone over and over.

 

I finally answered but refused to let him in. He sat outside my place for 2 hours. SCARY!!!!!!!

 

He was cryinggggg.... Says he realizes he can't be with her anymore because he's not happy and that he's constantly thinking of me when he's with her. Blahhh blahhh.

 

I was having fun being quite the biatch to him though. Told him I was done. He tried to convince me, said he wants to make me feel loved and like I'm the only woman in his life because that's what I deserve. I'm like YEP I do deserve that, but not from YOU!!!!!! I said, take what you feel right now, and multiply that by 100. That's how me, AND your wife feel right now. It SUCKS huh???

 

Anywho. I think I'll be ok as far as not contacting him goes, buuuuut he's the type to wait for me to get home from work.... or worse, actually come to my work so I have to talk to him...

 

Now I'm scared

[4321sn]

That's even worse, right? He's still hiding you...

 

No not worse. Better that she doesn't know. He's working on ending his marriage but it's taking long. Some real delays some bs ones.

We both have children so we do not want them to know. Mine are little but his are teenagers. The plan is for us to be together so we don't want his kids and parents to blame me. They've had problems for years so I want to keep myself out of it. I am sure that after I'm introduced people will suspect...

 

But we have a ways to go...

[siuys]

Well done blind27! I am not sure I could do what you did if he turned up at my door and sat there crying for two hours... ok, it's a little pathetic too. Like come on be a man and get on with it for goodness sake! But it's good that you stick to your guns coz as we all know, most of the time nothing ever changes. Too much talk, no walk!!!

[JustWannaStop]

Thanks, I was totally softening up in my attitude towards him, even so far as to thinking maybe I could be ok seeing him again if we agreed what was acceptable, What am I on? How is it acceptable to me to go out with him and stand to one side while he is on the phone to his wife arguing cos he's out after 5pm, to have to take time off work if I want to see him cos that's the only time he can justifiably be out of the house, to not be able to contact him evenings or weekends unless he contacts me regardless of what happens in my life and what I need, to be wondering all the time whether things are better for him in his marriage, whether today is the day that he's going to tell me he can't see me anymore cos he owes it to her to give it a go, or whether things are worse and he's been found out and today is the day she's going to come into my workplace and throw the water cooler over me.

 

Wow! I could have written this myself! We work together and can only see eachother at work. He wants to give his marriage an honest go. He's on lockdown and I'm also worried abotu her showing up here and confronting me at work!

[4321sn]

I am glad that so many of you are sticking to NC

I've broken it and we are talking and seeing each other again. He has an appointment with a lawyer on Monday. He says he has found an apartment to rent. He's planning on renting it begining Jan 1st...

But ofcourse we will see...

I can't hang on much longer but he is begining to take action so I will give it another month.

[blinded_27]

I am glad that so many of you are sticking to NC

I've broken it and we are talking and seeing each other again. He has an appointment with a lawyer on Monday. He says he has found an apartment to rent. He's planning on renting it begining Jan 1st...

But ofcourse we will see...

I can't hang on much longer but he is begining to take action so I will give it another month.

 

Saaaaaame here.... buddy is beginning to take action, I can't wait to see how far this goes.

 

Honestly though, I kind of wish I was still NC. He's better off not being in my life. But now I'm just curious to see how far he'll go. It's so backwards.

 

A lot of people here say they have already experienced this too, only to have them turn around weeks or months later to try to work things out with their wife again. Scares the crap out of me. Stay guarded for now, 4321sn... good luck!

[Pokemon]

Saaaaaame here.... buddy is beginning to take action, I can't wait to see how far this goes.

 

Honestly though, I kind of wish I was still NC. He's better off not being in my life. But now I'm just curious to see how far he'll go. It's so backwards.

 

A lot of people here say they have already experienced this too, only to have them turn around weeks or months later to try to work things out with their wife again. Scares the crap out of me. Stay guarded for now, 4321sn... good luck!

 

I feel bad for you, cuz I've been through that stage. If you don't see divorce papers, don't believe him. He will weasel and lie to you and make you believe. I did. And I even had to figure it out by myself bout his lies, he didn't even have the guts to tell me the truth in the end!

 

Be on guard! I was on guard then, but he only got smarter at lying!!

[siuys]

I always wondered even if xMM turns up with divorce papers whether it will just be a rebound relationship, which doesn't leave much room for growth.

 

I remind myself every day that NC is by far the best thing unless one is willing to put up with the roller coaster, the pain, anguish and the real low chance of it working out. I miss xMM every single day, and in many ways I wish I had never met him. I don't regret it, I am just hoping we will both stick to NC and in time, he will just become a distant memory.

[siuys]

I always wondered even if xMM turns up with divorce papers whether it will just be a rebound relationship, which doesn't leave much room for growth.

 

I remind myself every day that NC is by far the best thing unless one is willing to put up with the roller coaster, the pain, anguish and the real low chance of it working out. I miss xMM every single day, and in many ways I wish I had never met him. I don't regret it, I am just hoping we will both stick to NC and in time, he will just become a distant memory.