Are the People in Your Life Expendable?

[USMCHokie]

It's certainly true that people and relationships will come and go throughout your lifetime, but I've been wondering whether people consider the individuals in their life expendable. That is, are the people in the various relationships in your life, whether a significant other, a friend, a coworker, or even a family member, simply filling "roles" in your life? Can they just as easily be replaced with someone else if that relationship were to break down?

 

For example, if you break up with someone, is it simply a matter of, "oh well, no worries, I'll just go find myself another one..." without skipping a beat? Do the people themselves mean less than having the relationship...? Or perhaps a very close friend moves away and you eventually completely drift apart...do you automatically just "upgrade" one of your existing friends to that close friend status, pretend like nothing happened, and forget about your old friend, just as long as that spot is filled by someone?

 

It just seems like I see a lot of relationships, both on LS and in real life, where the relationship is valued more than the person. We seem to care less about the individuality of the people in our lives and more concerned that we have someone filling every role.

 

Any ideas...?

[tman666]

In my case, I definitely do not view my friends/family/relationships as replaceable and/or expendable.

 

I know I'm stating the obvious here, but there are good relationships and bad relationships. I don't believe in staying in a relationship for the sake of the relationship itself. I view a relationship as non-binding in the grand scheme of life. There are no guarantees.

 

I too see the phenomena that you speak of, however. It's a shame that some people are apparently so uncomfortable with themselves and their lives that they can't be alone for a week without going nuts. Call me anti-social, but I don't see a point ih being in a relationship, or even a friendship, with someone unless their is mutual, genuine interest.

[deebeechrisyo]

I have lots of guys I went to high school and college with whom I consider very close friends. I only have a few close girl friends. I have only one friend where we once shared a romantic relationship, back in my college days. For the rest, sure we are on "friendly terms", but it's important for me to get over them as fast as possible, and for me that means never initiating contact with them again.

 

I think there's a point after spending several years as friends with someone, you put them into a category where you always make sure you keep in touch, for the rest of your life.

[threebyfate]

I don't view people who are honestly close to me as expendable. But I also don't hang onto people if they treat me poorly.

[Eeyore79]

I regard everyone as an irreplaceable individual. Of course, some individuals are more important to me than others. For some individuals who are a pain in the ass, the fact that there is nobody else like them isn't necessarily a bad thing!

 

When it comes to the really important people in my life, I can't replace them any more than I could replace a parent or a sibling. If something happened to a person who was important to me (if they moved away or died etc) then obviously I'd have to find someone else to fill the space that person left in my life, but they would never be just a replacement for the person who was gone.

[EricaH329]

I believe this was the case when I was younger, and didn't understand the true meaning of the different relationships in my life. When they were just a term, so to speak. A 'best friend', a 'boyfriend', an 'acquaintance'.

 

Now, though, I do not see them as terms but as the position they hold in my life. The person themselves. While I fully understand that the people in my life now will come and go (whether by drifting apart or dying), those particular people will never ever be replaced. I may get another best friend, or boyfriend, but those who previously held that title will never be forgotten and most certainly will never be replaced.

[theBrokenMuse]

I tend to be TOO loyal and hang onto people long past what should be their expiration date so I'd say I have the opposite problem. I did manage to cut one toxic family member from my life for good but she never even attempted to get back into my good graces after the deplorable way she treated me so it wasn't very difficult.

[quankanne]

this is an interesting post, on several levels ...

 

the people I'm closest to are the ones I talk with or visit maybe a couple of times a year – sometimes there's an email or card, sometimes there's checking in via FB, but mostly, a long gap of time between communication. One would think that would be the deathknell of these relationships, but it's quite the opposite: Those friendships are that strong that they are able to survive with sporadic contact, yet when we *do* talk, it's like we pick up where we left off, no interruptions. Kinda odd when you think about it, but I think it just goes to show that when you're close to someone, they don't have to live in your pocket to remain important.

 

the other interesting thing I've observed is with the advent of communications devices (cellphones) and avenues (social networking, texting, etc), that people feel compelled to be in constant contact. But not necessarily because this is their close friend they need to stay in touch with, but because they cannot grasp the concept of being "alone." It's a bad thing, being solitary even for short periods ... they've got to be connected with someone at every waking moment. And it makes me wonder if those relationships have the kind of depth they need to survive ...

 

which rises to the question of expendability. It's human nature to want to bond with someone, but to automatically replace a person because you fear being alone is not healthy, IMO. You need to learn to be comfortable in your own skin – and that means figuring out how to be solitary/alone – before you can honestly bring yourself to the table in a relationship.

[Kendrick]

I tend to be TOO loyal and hang onto people long past what should be their expiration date so I'd say I have the opposite problem. I did manage to cut one toxic family member from my life for good but she never even attempted to get back into my good graces after the deplorable way she treated me so it wasn't very difficult.

 

 

Ditto for me as well. I have the same problem and have done the same as far as getting rid of toxic people. I have a friend though whom I love dearly but she treats her family and friends in an expendable manner. Shes a big user. I love her and known her for years, and I'm sure I've been used on occassions. But I see so many people in her life that come and go like a revolving door. If they are no longer of use to her, out they go. Same with the men in her life. She jumps quickly, but they are gone quickly as well.

[ColdFox]

Well, there are the people who are really in my life, who are definitely not expendable. My son, my mother, my very close friends (I would say I only have 3), my cousins. There are people kind of in-between, who I would not want to see go but I would get over it without therapy if they did, some of my co-workers and neighbors and old friends, people in my hiking club, my son's other grandparents (who live in another country). And then there are people who kind of ARE expendable, because they come and go, like students and daycare workers who I like and are part of my daily life and who I have to think about but just because of the role they play.

[denise_xo]

It just seems like I see a lot of relationships, both on LS and in real life, where the relationship is valued more than the person. We seem to care less about the individuality of the people in our lives and more concerned that we have someone filling every role.

 

Any ideas...?

 

Interesting post. Maybe this is a different perspective, but I think some people get hung up on relationships having to be of a certain nature and fulfill particular rituals in a quite non-flexible way, which I take to be valuing 'relationship' over unique individuals. But that's maybe a bit different from what you're saying. I don't view people as expendable, but because I've moved around a fair bit people have 'come and gone'. My best friends are those who, even if I haven't seen them in years, give me the feeling that we can just pick up where we left it when we do meet up. I'm grateful for those.

[northern_sky]

really, really interesting post. I think some people truly do view others as expendable, while others don't.

[Joe Normal]

No, if they are expendable then it's not a solid relationship. IMO one of the major problems in life is it's not easy to "replace" lost friends and relationships.