Trouble with potential in laws

[simpleone79]

Cliff notes version because I am on my phone. Dating for a year and a half now, both of us are divorced parents. I have three she has two. We have talked about marriage and wanted to start getting the process rolling. I want to gain acceptance/approval from not only her parents but her three brothers as well. Getting approval from my family also. My family is done. All are excited and extremely happy. Her mom is a go. We sat and talked with her oldest brother last week who was in town from new york. Did not go well at all. He is flat out pissed at us/her.

 

Backing up a little I have never had a conversation with anybody but her mom. I have tried to engage them but all I get are one liners. They have no interest in me besides making me feel left out and rejected. One example of many is during one family get together the oldest brother who lives in new york was on skype while the younger brother went around the room so the oldest could see and talk to everyone that was there. I was specifically skipped over like I didnt even exist. Its been like this since I started dating her. I have talked to her about it and she keeps saying her dad is just not the social type and her brothers just dont know what to say. So I have tried to be patient. We both finally gave up and decided to sit em down and talk individually so they could get to know me. So I guess the problem is everything has been awesome up till her oldest brother, were we seem to have hit a huge wall. I need the acceptance not necessarily for me bit for my kids. If they cant accept me they will never accept my kids which are first and foremost. I still have the other two brothers and dad to talk to.

 

I am at a loss as what to do. All my plans seem to have shattered. My girl seems not to put out by it all, even though the older brother flamed her pretty good, because she says thats the way iys always been. I am just hurt, offended and no clue the best way to proceed. Any ideas or questions would be awesome.

 

Forgive the typing I am on my phone.

 

Oh ya he was pissed off because she didnt date enough people before getting serious with me. He basically blamed her of whoring around.

[simpleone79]

Adding to my first post a little bit, hopefully to clarify some things or just to rant some more lol.

 

My girlfriend did date quite a few people but not as many as her brothers would have liked. We have taken the relationship fairly slow. We don't want to rush anything, especially with kids involved.....

 

I guess I am just frustrated a little. I assumed they would be ok with getting to know me. Especially with them telling her how worried they are for their niece and nephew. It just doesn't make sense to me why he would be so concerned and upset by the amount of people she dated rather than getting to know me, to see if I was even a good person or not.

 

So I have sat and thought about it. The best I can come up with is that he has a big brother protector complex going on. She didn't date the exact way he wanted, she's happy, i'm happy, the kids are happy and he's pissed. Maybe he's just pissed because he can't say I told you so when everything went wrong and she's miserable.

 

Me and her have the same religous views, but they differ quite a bit from all of her families views. Could this be part of the problem, that they just can't accept her/our differences.

 

Well we have set up a time to talk with her dad and youngest brother next. I guess we will see how that goes.

[amerikajin]

I think you need to keep things simple. You assume that you need people to accept you...but you don't. If they don't accept you, then don't deal with them. I know it's not that simple, but then again...it is that simple.

 

I can sorta see where you're coming from. I recently married (won't go into the complicated circumstances) but the short of it is I didn't have a traditional wedding. And my mother's side of the family got pissed, especially my half-brother. He is being a controlling, manipulative prick, as he is prone to do whenever he can't control me. I have worried about this and worried about that, and I have apologized and tried to say all the right things. What I realize is, it ain't gonna do sh*t.

 

People like your in-law brother behave that way because they are trying to send a message: that he is going to have a major say in what you do, and that you all are going to have to go through him before you do anything before the marriage, and after it - assuming it happens. It's about control. I don't advocate getting into a war with him, but just straight up don't deal with it. Pick your own methods for dealing with it: if you're an aggressive guy who tells it like it is, then let that work for you; if you're not so aggressive, then just avoid him. But don't deal with him. Don't play his game. Make him meet you half-way. Or you're so screwed.

[amerikajin]

So I have sat and thought about it. The best I can come up with is that he has a big brother protector complex going on. She didn't date the exact way he wanted, she's happy, i'm happy, the kids are happy and he's pissed. Maybe he's just pissed because he can't say I told you so when everything went wrong and she's miserable.

 

Me and her have the same religous views, but they differ quite a bit from all of her families views. Could this be part of the problem, that they just can't accept her/our differences.

 

Well we have set up a time to talk with her dad and youngest brother next. I guess we will see how that goes.

 

In family situations, keep in mind that it's always about what happens within what is considered to be the context of the family itself. Everything starts and ends there, usually. This has to do with the older brother and how he sees the life development of his sister. It may be an older brother 'protector' syndrome, but I suspect it is also about him being the lieutenant patriarch of the family. He wants to be the one to have the power to issue the approval of marriage, and he wants your sister to do his little dance and go through his procedures -- whatever they may be. In short, the older brother is used to power, and he wants to exercise that power. I guess maybe it makes him feel 'important', and you represent someone who could take some of that power away from him.

 

It's important for your girlfriend to know what's going on here. She has to be the one who ultimately draws the boundaries, which is not always easy, so try to be sympathetic to a degree. She has to be the one who ultimately makes it clear that you come first -- again, as you can imagine, it's not easy. I guess your family is more relaxed and less hierarchical than hers, which is why it was easier for your family to accept her. Your family doesn't have a need to control you. However, siblings are quite often the most intense source of familial disputes, because as I said, there's always a background. Siblings compete. Siblings remember perceived differences in terms of how they are treated. Siblings keep score. That's what's going on here.

 

Your girlfriend needs to think about how she is going to walk that line. She probably hasn't thought about that yet, perhaps because she is just as caught off guard by this as you are. But she needs to think about it. In the meantime, the best thing you can do is to give it some time. Don't take your potential in-laws crap so personally yet, because it's not really about you as an individual; it's more about what your presence represents to the family itself, and everything comes out of that context. Work through this together and understand that this process may take time. But make sure you both have clear lines and what you will and will not tolerate -- and enforce them.