Refusal-Long time refused & considering leaving...

[Floridaman]

Warning: this post is kinda long... So hang on....

Here's a description of my situation I posted four years ago to another board.

by former username » Thu Oct 05, 2006 8:21 pm

.....

I'm hurting like hell this week. Crying all over the place and a wreck on my job. I don't want another week like this. Perhaps I should stop reading this discussion forum. I'm about to give up hope.

[highlight] Look at that post I made: FOUR YEARS AGO!!! [/highlight]

 

And we have hardly made love 2-3 times if that much! Hardly cuddled, nothing or very little- I stopped remembering. It hurts too much.

[highlight] I'M SO UPSET ABOUT THIS LACK OF SEXUAL ACCEPTANCE THAT I WANT TO SCREAM MY HEAD OFF....[/highlight]

 

What's with this "no sex in marriage" deal anyway? It's not like when we dated.. where she might not be sure of me and may have been burned by other guys in the past... But I went to the altar with her!!

 

I am physically apart from my wife (not separated maritally, just physically separated bec. of a job relocation and house not selling), but will see her this weekend.

Here's the scenario: She moved back to where we're from out of state in July. She's living with her ailing parents and has a better job. I'm still here with our expensive house we're trying to sell but no movement.

 

I want to make love with her but I'm realistic and know that it won't likely happen. I'll get shot down again.

 

I'm wanting to say to her, "If things don't change, I'm not moving back with you. I can't live without having you sexually anymore. This isn't what I signed up for when I married you..." but don't know if I can make myself say that.

 

I'm also scared bec. I don't want to go back to being single and all the work - and years - it took to find a life mate when I was in my mid-30s. I'm 48 now and know it's getting a little late to try to find another wife...

 

She's 52. First marriage for both though she was engaged about 10 years before meeting me. Married since mid-90s. No kids.

 

I want to try to rebuild this marriage. I've never been unfaithful and only want to make this marriage better rather than end it.

 

I really don't want to threaten divorce. Yes I'm mad about this sexless situation and as my words showed, though I'm not a physically violent man and tend to avoid fights, I wanted to start raisin some ruckus. I wanted to start throwing things and yell at people.

 

Seeing that post, a post I made FOUR YEARS AGO and have little progress to show since then. I felt like I was going through some kind of midlife crisis. Displaying any kind of anger or resentment I know would be counterproductive.

(So no one reading this gets the wrong idea, I in no way would ever physically hurt a woman... never have... never will).

 

I know talk about divorce will bring her to tears, something I don't want to do.

Aside from my earlier fears about becoming "single again," I don't want to call this marriage a failure.

 

Most everything else in our lives is fine, aside from the normal b****ness of life and occasional arguing.

MORE IN NEXT POST...

[Floridaman]

HERE'S WHAT I'M DOING ABOUT THIS...I've been saying nice things to her, calling her "love" names or something, telling her I lover her while talking with her on the phone.

I am physically apart from her but am hoping this separation might draw us closer, like a LDR.

-----

I visited her for a week in Aug. (no luck there either, no cuddling, little of anything, as she worked and is tired, etc.).

I saw her a couple of weekends ago (will describe how that went shortly) and will see her during Tgiving week and Christmas week. She returned here to see me and some friends.

 

I had a "plan" for that weekend.

I have been telling her on the phone that I wanted to "get closer" to her and not necessarily sex-close.

She always knows what I mean when I say that, so I don't want to pressure her.

 

I tried to just hold her and cuddle with her, and did my best not to let my hands wander around her chest, as they are so wont to do while holding her on the couch. I wanted to keep it as sexless as possible the first day.

Maybe Fri. or Sat eve. try to pursue something further if I get an encouraging signal.

 

If I didn't make any progress by Sat. night, I was going to tell her I'm having problems and need a physical relationship with her again. I'll say I love her, but tell her if we don't return to that intimacy, even slowly, I may not want to move out of state with her. I don't want to live another year without regularly making love. This isn't what marriage is supposed to be about. I may suggest we go to counseling.

Edited November 19, 2010 by Floridaman

[Floridaman]

Part 3: Re: the weekend she visited..

We could have ML Thurs night, as sleeping together in each others' arms, we found ourselves close. I began caressing her top under her shirt (I usually get blocked). I could have proceeded and may have had some success, but as I couldn't tell what time it was and kept fighting falling asleep, so knowing her lack of sleep and constant exhaustion, figured she needed some sleep. It was 2:00 a.m.

 

Fri. I took her to a beach hotel and it was wonderful, like a date early in our relationship.

Spend all day together on the sand relaxing and talking. I kept telling her "I love you's" and how I'm going to be a different man, like every 5-10 mins. We got real close emotionally and was one of the best "dates" we have had in years.

 

Things went awry that night back in the room. The room was too cold. She was resistant and clinging to the sheets. I seemed clumsy and got criticized for little things like removing the cover from her too much, etc.

I got frustrated by all these small signs and misread things.

Like many other times, I return from the bathroom and see her looking like she was wanting to go to sleep! This isn't what I had wanted!

 

I got upset and flat out asked her if we were going to ML tonight, as our time together this weekend is limited.

 

Does "no" - I asked - mean "no as not in now, but maybe later," or "No, not tonight?" or... "no.. no way...ever.......????"

No answer. I got an attitude, and as I told her, we have things to do with friends the next night and she leaves Sun., so once again like many other times in the past when we weren't in separate states, there won't be much time for us so tonight or never, it seemed.

 

I just let some things out in a burst of anger and got teary eyed.

"...You don't realize this marriage is in trouble? How come I didn't get a vote on no sex in our marriage?" "I don't want another 4 years like this..." etc. "Do you think your sister or best friend treats her husband this way?" We slept on diff. sides of the bed.

---------

The next morning, I rolled over to her side and was welcomed in my arms. Spent the a.m. cuddling and talking. I told her I misunderstood her signals and apologized for the night before. (I don't think I necessarily had anything to apologize for, but really, I'm wanting to ML with her so will say what I need to say to breakdown any resistance...)

 

I had told her I wanted long passionate kisses. She gave me a very long one ( like 5 mins.) which was like a Christmas present during our cuddling.

She allowed me to caress her (again, didn't ask, just started slowly), and she even moved the top of her shirt further up for better access.

Later, she removed the shirt and got her to remove her shorts and panties (why was she wearing shorts and panties with me in bed?), which she surprisingly did without putting up any resistance. I slipped off my underwear (she gets upset if she sees me without shorts on in bed).

 

[highlight] Wow. I hadn't gotten this far in probably a year! Was this a dream???? [/highlight]

 

I ran my fingers down to the promised land -- she usually tells me not to go there and starts to block me if I get too close (wasn't planning to go inside with my fingers just yet, just like to check the status...).

She's hard to get "wet" below and it takes a long time to get her that way. Kissing and enjoying her breasts used to do it but no more. I gotta take this slow and bec. she doesn't get as physically "interested" as I can...

 

After some passionate necking during our long cuddling session, I just climbed onto her (again, didn't ask permission).

She wasn't really wet but I felt like I had a green light so I tried to slowly work my way in.

 

She was very tight! I guess a year or so since last ML changes things.

 

As I went in deeper, she moved like she was hurting and shook when I thrusted. She told me she thinks it has something to do with menopause. I didn't want to press her on this.

I kept moving in and out in the outer area but enjoyed that, going in a little more each time and asking if she was comfortable, but getting little response.

 

Why can't she tell me? I wanted to keep entering but I honestly do care for her feelings and would stop if she said it hurt.

 

I did go deeper (not as deep as I wanted) and not sensing any discomfort in her, kept on. It was too painful to her so she ended it.

-------------

In the past, I've tended to last too short and prayed I didn't go too soon. I did not want to deprive her as I've been often embarassed. I never felt like I was anywhere close to climax.

Edited November 19, 2010 by Floridaman

[Floridaman]

Part 4 of this very long post...

Even though it hurt her the more I pressed into her, it was clear she wanted to satisfy me, so that tells me something.

 

While ML, I kept telling her I loved her and asked her to say that to me.

God, I loved hearing her tell me that... I told her it makes me feel sexually desired and loved.

 

I told her how I missed the intimacy - the cuddling short of sex - the most, and the sex would naturally follow the more we get emotionally close.

 

>>>>>> I really don't want to leave her, and not primarily for what I expressed earlier- dreading going back to dating, finances, etc., but bec. I really do love her and want to remain with her and work to improve this relationship. I think it is improving and I hope to God I'll get more non-sexual and sexual intimacy. I think I was very frustrated, panicky, lonely and losing patience.

 

I asked her, "When I ask to ML in the future and you're not interested that night (say it's a work night), can you tell me something like, "I love you and know you want to satisfy me , but can we wait to the weekend..." and then allow me that weekend? So I can have some hope?

Yes, I loaded in an assumption there...

 

I did tell her I'm insecure and need more of her.

 

Sunday a.m., for ex., before we left for church, we were on the couch and I made a move to neck with her.

She blocked me and said, "Let's wait until ... (pausing, watching me watch her response) .... a couple of hours .... later..." I told her that' was the kind of response I want to hear, not "....no..."

 

I'm hoping my changed attitude and renewed love for her, expressed by telling her how much I love her and paying more attention to her and her needs, will "win" her back to me sexually. I miss her like crazy and am just getting killed by this loneliness....

 

Sorry this has been a big post... but I have a lot to say and want to provide a good overview of what's going on. Appreciate any advice...

Edited November 19, 2010 by Floridaman

[Gwendolyn]

Or she could just hate sex.

 

This is something to really consider first. Would you be willing to leave her because she just doesn't enjoy sex in general? I know I'm the same way, it's not something I enjoy for the most part especially after being in a relationship for a while. At first there is the thrill of it all to go on, but that thrill can leave every relationship.

[quankanne]

1. is this something she's addressed with her gynecologist (change in hormones because of aging/menopause)?

 

2. why haven't you gone for counselling in all this time? Just how bad will it have to get before you decide to get the tools you need to learn how to communicate (yes, even your sex life is a form of communication) with each other?

 

3. are there any issues of stress or depression that could be affecting your marital life? As in, the fact that she's caring for ailing parents/y'all living so far apart? Those things can take a toll, esp. when you try to introduce a normal event like sex, because you're mentally not ready to deal with normalcy ...

[Floridaman]

I was in a marriage where the sex was nonexistent. I got out of it once I realized that best friends =/= best lovers. My ex and I were sexually incompatible, and the only reason we stayed in as long as we did was because we had a wonderful friendship and were good partners. Of course, that inevitably started to unravel due to the lack of sex.

 

I'm in a much happier place now. I'm with a man who I not only feel a strong emotional connection, but a sexual one as well.

 

I think you need to have a long, hard talk with your wife. I suspect your friendship has superseded the sexual desire, and she no longer sees you as a lover, but as a friend.

 

Or she could just hate sex.

Thanks, Lisa. That is good advice.

[Floridaman]

1. is this something she's addressed with her gynecologist (change in hormones because of aging/menopause)?

 

2. why haven't you gone for counselling in all this time? Just how bad will it have to get before you decide to get the tools you need to learn how to communicate (yes, even your sex life is a form of communication) with each other?

 

3. are there any issues of stress or depression that could be affecting your marital life? As in, the fact that she's caring for ailing parents/y'all living so far apart? Those things can take a toll, esp. when you try to introduce a normal event like sex, because you're mentally not ready to deal with normalcy ...

I don't think she's visited a gynecologist. This is good and something I hadn't thought of, so I'm gonna suggested she see one.

 

On counseling, I dunno. Prob. need to go though.

 

On the depression and her elderly parents, this witholding has been occuring for probably five years or more. She just moved up to her parents in July.

[Floridaman]

On another forum, some recommended lubrication like AstroGlde, which I have purchased.

They also recommend Coconut Oil. (CO is supposed to be like miraculous in that area).

I don't have experience with either but think that kind of aid might be a good help.

 

Fla. Man I can't believe this is so hard. I even need to look up a term you described in your earlier and informative description (thanks. I really needed help) of how I need to apply this (I had no idea)..

 

female poster Application: put about a quarter-sized portion of lubricant in your hand. Rub it all over your penis. Make sure everything is nice and slick. Take another small amount of lubricant and apply inside your wife's labia. If she felt quite dry to begin with you may wish to put a little on your finger (or on her fingers, if she would prefer to apply it herself) and rub it in the inside of the vagina. Typically I find it enough to have my dh's penis liberally lubed. It is also important to REAPPLY the lubricant at the first sign of discomfort/rawness. If your wife is not producing much of her own, natural lubrication, there will be nothing "reactivating" the lube so you will have to reapply after a few minutes. Reapplication should be done to your penis. It is unlikely she'll need more inside.

 

Fla. Man: I don't even know what a labia is, but suspect its the inner area.

 

We never do OS... rather, I am not allowed to do that ( I did do it to others years ago and loved it, but my wife doesn't share that enthusiasm.

 

I can't believe how out of it I am on this. 14 years of marriage and only now do I even get the idea (from this board) of using lube when I had a crisis bec. of the refusal I talked about in another thread. I hope this helps her and lessens the pain so I can more comfortably enter her. I know she wants to please me and am confident she loves me.

 

I only hope I don't fumble and bumble and destroy the mood when I try to get her to apply this. I think I'll bring it up earlier in the day so it's not a shock or something and won't disrupt the mood if and when I get the chance to get intimate with her this coming weekend. I'm to see her for a week Thanksgiving week. God I miss her so much and the intimacy through cuddling we experienced the last weekend I saw her. Every time I've talked with her on the phone this week, I've told her how I want to get more intimate through cuddling and "maybe other things..." And she knows what I'm talking about.

 

Can you believe how naive or ignorant I am on this kinda stuff?

I had no idea what that word meant.

 

Married 14 years and hardly know her "down there."

 

What does that tell you besides I'm so sexually conservative and ignorant?

Edited November 20, 2010 by Floridaman

[hoping2heal]

You mentioned something that really caught my eye in an earlier post. It may have been a typo, I do not know.

 

I thought you said she throws a fit when you are in bed without shorts. Did I understand that properly?

 

How was your sexual relationship when the two of you first began being sexual? How did she respond?

[Floridaman]

You mentioned something that really caught my eye in an earlier post. It may have been a typo, I do not know.

I thought you said she throws a fit when you are in bed without shorts. Did I understand that properly?

 

How was your sexual relationship when the two of you first began being sexual? How did she respond?

We got sexually involved about three months into dating during an LDR - 2.5 hour drive (in our early to mid-30s). It was weekends and vacations, maybe twice on a Sat. and once on Fri. night.

It was very good, but plain vanilla, very little if any oral.

 

FYI,... here's my description:

Later, she removed the shirt and got her to remove her shorts and panties (why was she wearing shorts and panties with me in bed?), which she surprisingly did without putting up any resistance. I slipped off my underwear (she gets upset if she sees me without shorts on in bed).

Yeah, I think she's a little hung up or very conservative about sex.

 

I'm buying some books on the topic of marital Christian sex and am going to get her to read them, perhaps reading them together. She's a Christian and needs to know sex isn't dirty and that some of the church's teachings - vs. Scripture- are wrong on the topic (i.e. Song of Solomon's description of erotic love), so I'm hoping that helps change things.

 

I want to do oral on her. I loved to do oral on other women (short of IC) before her, but never have on her, though I've tried.

When I begin to climb on top of her, as I move my head from her spread legs area towards her face, I try to kiss her down there. She figures out what I'm trying to do and gets nervous and blocks me and says, "...no... Fla. Man....:

 

When my face is closer to her face after rolling over to mount her, I will take my mouth and kind of roll my tongue on her tummy moving it towards her face... and I'm going lower each time, to try to get her more comortable with my tongue that close.

 

I fingered her for a long time, giving her pleasure there and kinda postponing my entering - one selfish reason- to keep from lasting too short.. (I realized I really don't know that area of her that well and didn't even know what a labia was).

 

Lying in bed naked with her before we ML, I had a frank discussion with her. I asked her if IN THE FUTURE I can do that to her.. She said no. She told me she's not interested in oral, but I told her that's something we need to work on and I wasn't gonna pressure her now on this (I didn't want to blow my chance of entering her by getting her upset at this moment).

As the book Sheet Music says, I told her neither spouse should coerce the other into doing something the other isn't comfortable in doing, but told her that is something I would like to do in the future.

 

On coming to bed without underwear on, I asked her why that scares her. She told me it means I want to have sex that night. I admitted I would come to bed like that hoping that might encourage her to attack me that night and ML... so she did figure out my ulterior motive.

 

We have had a good talk about our sexual relationship and we are improving it. She says I can come to bed without a shirt, but need to wear shorts (so far).

 

We ML three times Sun.:love::love:, more on that later.

Edited November 22, 2010 by Floridaman

[hoping2heal]

We got sexually involved about three months into dating during an LDR - 2.5 hour drive (in our early to mid-30s). It was weekends and vacations, maybe twice on a Sat. and once on Fri. night.

It was very good, but plain vanilla, very little if any oral.

 

FYI,... here's my description:

 

Yeah, I think she's a little hung up or very conservative about sex.

 

I'm buying some books on the topic of marital Christian sex and am going to get her to read them, perhaps reading them together. She's a Christian and needs to know sex isn't dirty and that some of the church's teachings - vs. Scripture- are wrong on the topic (i.e. Song of Solomon's description of erotic love), so I'm hoping that helps change things.

 

I want to do oral on her. I loved to do oral on other women (short of IC) before her, but never have on her, though I've tried.

When I begin to climb on top of her, as I move my head from her spread legs area towards her face, I try to kiss her down there. She figures out what I'm trying to do and gets nervous and blocks me and says, "...no... Fla. Man....:

 

When my face is closer to her face after rolling over to mount her, I will take my mouth and kind of roll my tongue on her tummy moving it towards her face... and I'm going lower each time, to try to get her more comortable with my tongue that close.

 

I fingered her for a long time, giving her pleasure there and kinda postponing my entering - one selfish reason- to keep from lasting too short.. (I realized I really don't know that area of her that well and didn't even know what a labia was).

 

Lying in bed naked with her before we ML, I had a frank discussion with her. I asked her if IN THE FUTURE I can do that to her.. She said no. She told me she's not interested in oral, but I told her that's something we need to work on and I wasn't gonna pressure her now on this (I didn't want to blow my chance of entering her by getting her upset at this moment).

As the book Sheet Music says, I told her neither spouse should coerce the other into doing something the other isn't comfortable in doing, but told her that is something I would like to do in the future.

 

On coming to bed without underwear on, I asked her why that scares her. She told me it means I want to have sex that night. I admitted I would come to bed like that hoping that might encourage her to attack me that night and ML... so she did figure out my ulterior motive.

 

We have had a good talk about our sexual relationship and we are improving it. She says I can come to bed without a shirt, but need to wear shorts (so far).

 

We ML three times Sun.:love::love:, more on that later.

 

Has your wife ever said she believes sex is dirty because of her religious beliefs? It sounds like you were sexual without being married, therefore while it could be a religious hang up, I have to wonder if it is not something else. Has your wife ever been through any kind of sexual abuse or sexual assault trauma? I am just curious because having sex before marriage doesn't typically fall in line with the beliefs or actions of someone who's sexual hangups are due to rigid religious feelings. It kind of does not make sense, know what I mean? Again, perhaps I am wrong and it is soley a religious reason but it makes me wonder at any rate.

[Floridaman]

Has your wife ever said she believes sex is dirty because of her religious beliefs? It sounds like you were sexual without being married, therefore while it could be a religious hang up, I have to wonder if it is not something else.

 

Has your wife ever been through any kind of sexual abuse or sexual assault trauma?

 

I am just curious because having sex before marriage doesn't typically fall in line with the beliefs or actions of someone who's sexual hangups are due to rigid religious feelings. It kind of does not make sense, know what I mean? Again, perhaps I am wrong and it is soley a religious reason but it makes me wonder at any rate.

I'm thinking there might be something to your first question .

We've purchased some books, "Sheet Music" and "The Marriage Bed," which both cover that and explain that sex is far from dirty and wasn't designed solely for procreation, as many in the past taught.

 

Christianity and Scripture teaches the opposite and actually liberates people from such repressive views.

The erotic Song of Solomon - "let you enjoy the breasts of the wife of your youth" or something and Paul's advice to couples "Let the marriage bed be undefiled," "the wife's body belongs to the man, and the man's body belongs to the wife..." and the "two should not abstain unless by mutual consent..."

 

having sex before marriage doesn't typically fall in line with the beliefs or actions of someone who's sexual hangups are due to rigid religious feelings

She's a traditional woman (men have to make the first moves, etc.), and a former Catholic. (Protestant now).

 

Yes, we were sexually involved before marriage, in our mid-30s during three years of dating on weekends and vacations. Monogomous not promiscuous sex. I know it was wrong, despite my reasons stated, and we asked for forgiveness years ago.

 

Has your wife ever been through any kind of sexual abuse or sexual assault trauma?

She's never said anything. I don't think she was.

I was her second. She only ML to a fiance after they got engaged. That was about 10 years before we met.

Edited November 26, 2010 by Floridaman

[Floridaman]

Here's an update on what happened this past week:

 

Happy to report here that things appear to be turning around.

I visited her all last week, the weekend before and this past weekend.

 

We spent the first Sunday afternoon on the couch cuddling and watching a romantic movie. During a long passionate kiss (she kept her lips glued to mine for like 10 mins.!!!!) (this was like a Christmas gift!), I started to caress her. Seeing no roadblocks, I progressed and touched another area to gauge interest. After a few minutes of this, she suggested we go to the bedroom.

 

[highlight] We ML three times Sunday!!!....[/highlight]

 

Unfortunately, like a couple of weeks ago when we ML, I couldn't ejaculate in the first two, though I worked as hard as I could;) I did the last time after a lot of effort. (Almost wore her out). Gotta look into what could be wrong on that end but that's another topic for another forum.

 

As I posted earlier, I gave her some pleasure with my finger. I had done that in the past of course but not for very long and just to get her wet so I could see if she was ready for me to enter...

 

I was only interested in that area of her just for my pleasure, not necessarily her's, first. I told her this and pledged to be much more sensitive in all areas of our marriage.

I like had a totally different attitude this time and did it to please her, which she told me it did.

 

Earlier on the couch, I told her about purchasing some lubrication. I was afraid she might get upset and would feel I was "pressuring" her to ML with me. But, a favorable reaction. Later, she thanked me for researching that.

 

Had to take it slow as there's some discomfort, and she helped me and I kept asking her how she feels as I slowly entered. She did tell me this time.

Then it became clear she wasn't in any kind of pain. I tell you I never went as deep with her. I kept telling her I loved her over and over and she said some romantic things as well that was a nice boost to my insecurities.

 

She started bleeding Thurs. after the Sunday triple play.

 

That's my fault, I guess, for pressing too hard and going too deep. I told her we could try on the weekend and I promised not to go too deep and would of course be very gentle.

I also told her we can do "other things" like breast kissing and her caressing me lightly or even to exploding, as she started to do the light caressing Sunday. (She has rarely done that in the past).

Doesn't sound like she's open to the heavier non-PIV stuff.

[Floridaman]

We spent a lot of time talking and I'm trying to change a lot of my behavior towards her. She told me I had become complacent. I'm trying to take her on more "dates" and asked her to tell me when I return to old habits.

 

I asked her after we ML, "Can I assume we may be doing this more often???"

I have to work on understanding her and how difficult it is to do on work nights bec. of her fatigue, etc., but I think we can do more of this on weekends.

 

In the past, I would ask her if we could ML or "go to bed early." Then get shot down.

She wants me to "romance" her. So we do a lot more cuddling.

She said to initiate that and I can assume that can lead to LM on weekend nights.

This is great as I have been too interested in going straight to the act when a woman wants "romance time."

 

I told her I'm not just going to go to the computer at night if she's not interested. I plan to cuddle with her with or without sexual intimacy. I told her I want to be much closer emotionally.

 

Still want to get her to say, "Okay, we'll do it this weekend," but she seems hesitant to make a commitment as she says I will use it against her - "You promised!" - if we don't. I told her not to worry about that as I just want some hope. (Yes, I think I did use it against her in the past when I was disappointed and hungry for her).

 

She started bleeding Thurs. after the Sunday triple play.

 

That's my fault, I guess, for pressing too hard and going too deep. I told her we could try on the weekend and I promised not to go too deep and would of course be very gentle.

I also told her we can do "other things" like breast kissing and her caressing me lightly or even to exploding, as she started to do the light caressing Sunday. (She has rarely done that in the past).

Doesn't sound like she's open to the heavier non-PIV stuff.

I'm thinking the books we purchased on Christian sex like Sheet Music could help in this area.

 

Though we didn't ML any more during that visit, we did a lot of cuddling and are becoming emotionally closer.

[Floridaman]

I see no one's responding or commenting, so I will add some other thoughts. So please put up with me. These are my feelings. I don't need validation from others on this.

 

I've been very hungry going the last 4-5 years only ML with my spouse 4-5 times at most.

Many of you that seem to be oversexed and have wide access to LM may have no idea what this is like for men and women whose spouses reject their sexual advances.

 

I want to highlight this part...

....I gave her some pleasure with my finger. I had done that in the past of course but not for very long and just to get her wet so I could see if she was ready for me to enter...

I was only interested in that area of her just for my pleasure, not necessarily her's, first. I told her this and pledged to be much more sensitive in all areas of our marriage.

I like had a totally different attitude this time and did it to please her

I meant, in the past I was only concerned about getting her "ready" for me and satisfying myself. I'm changing on that and looking more at the full picture and wanting to please her, like the use of my fingers in that instance.

I'm hoping she lets me do more of that. I really do want to help give her some pleasure and not look for satisfying my needs first.

 

Interesting, in talking with my wife and making all those changes like constantly telling her how much I love her, etc., I asked her why she thinks I'm trying to be a better husband and trying to treat and to love her better -- rather, if she believes this change is for real....

 

She said, "You want sex."

 

Yup. She saw through me and knows what I want. I should have corrected her and used the words love making...... it's not just sex.

 

But she didn't say that in a critical or sarcastic way, or say it in a fast way like she doesn't like what I'm doing, etc., like how some women talk, "...You only want this and that!..."

 

She just stated that phrase in normal tone (tone and inflection are hard to recreate here in this forum).

 

I answered her:

"Yes, that was true at the start. I realized I needed more sex with you and how I miss it. But now that we're more emotionally close, I know that I want you more than the sex..."

Edited December 3, 2010 by Floridaman

[Banega100]

alright man. I personally would have found some one else along time ago. Especially if you're unhappy with how things are. If she thought you were never being affectionate to her or showing her love, then you wouldn't expect her to stick around. I dont know man... She's not the only woman that will be attracted to you, there will be many out there. so i wouldn't settle for some one that is cold towards you personally.

 

Why are you letting her rule the roost anyway? telling you to put shorts on in bed etc. Stand up for yourself when you have to.

 

Nevertheless, youre persevering and perhaps this will turn round. Keep updating us man. all the best

[Floridaman]

alright man. I personally would have found some one else along time ago. Especially if you're unhappy with how things are. If she thought you were never being affectionate to her or showing her love, then you wouldn't expect her to stick around. I dont know man... She's not the only woman that will be attracted to you, there will be many out there. so i wouldn't settle for some one that is cold towards you personally.

Why are you letting her rule the roost anyway? telling you to put shorts on in bed etc. Stand up for yourself when you have to.

Nevertheless, youre persevering and perhaps this will turn round. Keep updating us man. all the best

Can I ask if you're married, BTW? Bec. things are a little different when you're in such a relationship.

 

You have some points there. I am beginning to stand more up for myself. She clearly has some sex hang-ups that we need to work on.

 

When she started getting on me the other night about something I thought was minor, I told her, "This is the kind of relationship-killing thing that we need to discuss in counseling..." I think that shook her.

 

I'm way past considering leaving her, as I originally posted.

Things aren't going to be as they were. I love her and am taking steps to improve this relationship.

 

I want this marriage to succeed. We've been married 14 years and she's really the only woman I have really put my soul into ML with (had sex with 3 other ladies, but not real lovemaking ).

That's not a (or the only) reason to stay together, of course, but I do love her and know she loves me.

The bond we feel- the emotional closeness, that's something I cherish and it's improving.

Edited December 8, 2010 by Floridaman

[Floridaman]

I know this post isn't attracting a lot of interest. However, I'm treating it like a blog as others in similar situations might be able to benefit.

Here's an update on the situation:

 

I stated my wife and I are physically separated, not maritally separated. I was going to move to where she moved this summer, but am happy that she is now going to return and is looking at taking a job here in Fla. A move date hasn't been set yet, but she flew here this past weekend and interviewed for jobs.

 

Unfortunately, we didn't ML.

She needed a lot of sleep the eve. before the interviews (early a.m. meeting after late p.m. airline arrival) and was fatigued the next day so much we skipped dinner and just cuddled most of the eve. and fell asleep in each other's arms.

 

I awoke with a killer headache Sat. We had an eve. get together with friends and had a lot of things to do that day in planning our future as I have the oppty to return with the co. I work for, but we're gonna lose a ton of money on our house that we would have to sell through a short-sale, which would kill our credit and cause other problems (our relationship wasn't the only thing underwater).

 

I did try to lightly caress her breasts during the cuddling, but got gently rebuffed. She didn't want to ML bec. of her fatigue.

 

It's hard... after a few minutes of cuddling, it's like my hands automatically go for her chest. I don't know what to do... I want to hold her, cuddle with her, then do the other things that used to be the starting pts. for going farther when we used to ML more frequently, but I'm not allow that when I want to.

 

I'm flying there this coming weekend to be with her for nearly 3 weeks... She tells me there will be opportunities for us to get together then...

I pay we can find such opportunities...

 

She wants to come back here and we can keep our home, so it will be good and we can live together again and all will be right in the world once more.

 

This marriage is improving and I'm stating my needs. I clearly have a higher drive and she has some hangups...

How I want to ML with her and show her my love in that way...

Edited December 14, 2010 by Floridaman

[Distant78]

I know this post isn't attracting a lot of interest. However, I'm treating it like a blog as others in similar situations might be able to benefit.

Here's an update on the situation:

 

I stated my wife and I are physically separated, not maritally separated. I was going to move to where she moved this summer, but am happy that she is now going to return and is looking at taking a job here in Fla. A move date hasn't been set yet, but she flew here this past weekend and interviewed for jobs.

 

Unfortunately, we didn't ML.

She needed a lot of sleep the eve. before the interviews (early a.m. meeting after late p.m. airline arrival) and was fatigued the next day so much we skipped dinner and just cuddled most of the eve. and fell asleep in each other's arms.

 

I awoke with a killer headache Sat. We had an eve. get together with friends and had a lot of things to do that day in planning our future as I have the oppty to return with the co. I work for, but we're gonna lose a ton of money on our house that we would have to sell through a short-sale, which would kill our credit and cause other problems (our relationship wasn't the only thing underwater).

 

I did try to lightly caress her breasts during the cuddling, but got gently rebuffed. She didn't want to ML bec. of her fatigue.

 

It's hard... after a few minutes of cuddling, it's like my hands automatically go for her chest. I don't know what to do... I want to hold her, cuddle with her, then do the other things that used to be the starting pts. for going farther when we used to ML more frequently, but I'm not allow that when I want to.

 

I'm flying there this coming weekend to be with her for nearly 3 weeks... She tells me there will be opportunities for us to get together then...

I pay we can find such opportunities...

 

She wants to come back here and we can keep our home, so it will be good and we can live together again and all will be right in the world once more.

 

This marriage is improving and I'm stating my needs. I clearly have a higher drive and she has some hangups...

How I want to ML with her and show her my love in that way...

 

I agree with Banega100. Dude you must leave her for good. Things are not improving but getting worse. She's treating you like crap and emotionally abusing you by witholding sex from you and hanging it over your head. You're a man and men definitely need sex and she thinks you're going to remain sexless with her forever. Give her a good wakeup call man. Divorce her and find someone else. You don't need that type of treatment. Wouldn't be surprised if she has another man on the side.

[quankanne]

I think you're on the right track with the courtship, but for heaven's sake, don't wear the poor girl out on the first try!!!!

 

my thought is that once she realizes you want to *be* with her because it's *her* and not just because you want to insert Tab A into Slot B, she'll start to unwind. Sex for a woman goes both ways: While it sounds cruel, we don't want to get shot down for not being "perfect" but we also don't want to be screwed just because we happen to be available. We need to know that you're there because you find us desirable. Even if we're grumpy, tired, stressed, upset, etc. With all the stuff you're having to deal with living apart and her coping with ailing parents, it's gonna affect you.

 

maybe slow down a little on the physical end of things and get downright flirty with her. Or let her see how much you appreciate her womanhood in ways that don't necessarily mean "let's do it, baby." I'm guessing that once you build her up that way, she'll relax and open up physically. Because when you think about it, sex isn't just a physical act, it's a cerebral and emotional one.

 

I hope your holidays go smoothly and that y'all are able to build up a cache of good memories that aren't necessarily sexual. Hold her hand. Kiss her in public. Caress her hair. All just because you can :love::love:

[Floridaman]

I think you're on the right track with the courtship, but for heaven's sake, don't wear the poor girl out on the first try!!!!

 

my thought is that once she realizes you want to *be* with her because it's *her* and not just because you want to insert Tab A into Slot B, she'll start to unwind.

 

Sex for a woman goes both ways: While it sounds cruel, we don't want to get shot down for not being "perfect" but we also don't want to be screwed just because we happen to be available. We need to know that you're there because you find us desirable. Even if we're grumpy, tired, stressed, upset, etc. With all the stuff you're having to deal with living apart and her coping with ailing parents, it's gonna affect you.

 

maybe slow down a little on the physical end of things and get downright flirty with her. Or let her see how much you appreciate her womanhood in ways that don't necessarily mean "let's do it, baby." I'm guessing that once you build her up that way, she'll relax and open up physically. Because when you think about it, sex isn't just a physical act, it's a cerebral and emotional one.

 

I hope your holidays go smoothly and that y'all are able to build up a cache of good memories that aren't necessarily sexual. Hold her hand. Kiss her in public. Caress her hair. All just because you can :love::love:

That sounds like sound advice, Quank.

That Sunday on Thanksgiving weekend where we ML 3 times... it all started out on the couch. We were talking or reading, then decided to cuddle and a romantic movie. Began caressing and it progressed after the movie was over and wound up back in the bedroom. I didn't move too fast and I didn't start it as a "baby, let's go for it..." kind of deal, like you cautioned.

Hold her hand. Kiss her in public. Caress her hair. All just because you can

I do all those things.

I greet her when I meet her at the airport with a kiss or hug. When I picked her up this past weekend, she surprised me with a kiss.

I'm trying to call her most evenings and I'm always telling her how much I love her and how I'm lonely and nothing without her (married 14 years, together 18).

I'll try to kiss her in public but she's usually resistant. Hand-holding only.

 

Get this: we were at friends Sat. night on their big couch with some other Christian couples. I put my arm around her. No big public displays or kissing.

She gets upset at PDAs. I didn't kiss her, but wanted to.

Just had my arm around her and she gets testy like, "Fla. Man.... not in public!"

I got a little unnerved and said, "This is wrong? What do you think couples do when in the car on dates or at a movie??"

 

Reacting to me holding her or putting my arm around her more often in public, someone commented, "I think Fla. Man has been missing his wife...." A woman friend of ours also in a favorable way called attention to my behavior at the dinner table.

 

I think my wife has some hang-ups. I've bought some books as I said on Christian sexuality and am trying to instil upon her that sex isn't dirty and can be fun...

One of the books, Sheet Music, the cover has a pic of a couple in bed with only their bare feet exposed. She didn't want to read that book on the plane bec. she thought it too provocative!

when you think about it, sex isn't just a physical act, it's a cerebral and emotional one

That's why I've repeatedly told her "...I could almost live only with the intimacy we get from cuddling... but don't hold me to it..." and she smiles knowing my need.

 

That weekend we spent on the beach a couple of months ago when she flew back here... I was all emotional with her, telling her how I have done many things wrong with her, took her for granted, not affectionate enough, am gonna continuously tell her how much I love her and how I couldn't see marrying any other girl, walking the beach, handholding, etc.

It felt like we were dating again and helped draw us closer emotionally.

I also pressed her for LM that night... and got refused:mad: as described earlier in this thread...

 

I don't know why she showed me such passion and was so inviting for me to ML with her that Tgiving weekend... how I want a repeat performance. It was like going back in time but with us in real-time....

 

These are good point, Quank, and I will try to follow them.

If I have rushed her, it's bec. we have limited time together on occaisional 3-day weekends so want to enjoy the few hours we have together until she moves back in.

Edited December 15, 2010 by Floridaman

[Floridaman]

I'm flying back to see her this weekend. Will be there three weeks, working a week or two.

I have high hopes that we will be able to increase our emotional intimacy.

 

I am frequently telling her how much I love her and how I miss her in our more frequent phone calls.

 

Please wish me the best, those of you following this thread.

[Distant78]

This screams affair all over it.

[Floridaman]

This screams affair all over it.

Uhhhh.... not really. We are still married, the house here is still in her name and mine....

She's carrrying a second mortgage on a relative's home, works long hours and has little time for seeing other men.

 

She was here last weekend when we met with the realtor.

She interviewed for jobs here, not there.

 

She frequently tells me she loves me.

 

I'm going to be with her for 3 weeks starting Sat.

 

We share email accounts..... I see her facebook page....

 

I offered to let her drive my 4-year-old car I just paid off which has only 30k miles on it vs. her older 1999 vehicle...

 

She's actually more interested in ML with me. The lubriciation I mentioned has helped.

 

I don't know why you're thinking she's moved on and is going after other guys.