For those still coping, figured it was time to tell you a tale.

[Lemontang]

I've been a long time reader here and some of the sage advice I've come across on here has really helped me cope with past relationship issues, but only now I felt that it was time to write what for me has been a very complicated endeavor. So bare with me on this, it's long but I'm sure you'll enjoy the read. I should almost make this a book. But it's certainly an interesting tale and for those still coping I hope you will get something from this...

 

In a galaxy far far away.... whoops wrong story, ok here goes.

 

So to begin with I met a girl (funny that) over 3 years ago at work and we fell for each other straight away, she literally made my heart skip a beat when I 1st set eyes on her (I'm not kidding either) and to this day I still feel as strongly for her now as I did the 1st day I met her.

 

Fast forward 8 months and she leaves her job and moves in with me. Now I lived about 2hrs away from work and loved my job. She wasn't keen on the travel, that and she had a 3 year old at the time. Whom I equally adored and we got along like a house on fire, so I became an instant dad so to speak as well. Now we struggled a bit since it was just me working whilst she was trying to find a job more local and financially it was pretty rough, that and I'd often come home quite late due to the travelling.

 

She eventually found something part time which eventually went to full time and things travelled along quite smoothly for awhile. Well at least so I thought. Turns out she befriended a girl at work and they'd spend a lot of time out together, now I was happy she was making friends, but this one was a bit younger and drank a bit and as she herself was partial to drinking, she started to get into it in such an extent it was becoming a problem.

 

The catalyst came when we went out celebrating with her friends after a big football game final, to which she wanted to stay out late and party, knowing that her child had a birthday party to attend early the next day (I knew straight away she wasn't going to be able to take her the next day at the rate she was going). She refused to come home so I left wanting to be able to take her daughter to the party the next day, kids are only kids once so felt it was important for her daughter to go. My biggest mistake was to leave, as she didn't come home till the next day and I was left to take her child to the party (She came too but I had to take her back home as she was still too hung over, then I had to go back to the party to pick her daughter up), now don't get me wrong I loved her kid as if she was my own, but I was seeing some serious neglect taking place on her part leaving me to fill in the void. I figured something happened that night as her 'friend' was over descriptive as to saying that she stayed over and all. I later found out she'd gone home with some other guy. Needless to say I was shattered and we took a break for a few weeks.

 

We got back and decided we'd give this another shot thinking the relationship still had enough substance left in it to work this out. Now some guys can't switch off from this stuff and I'm happy to say I could and saw this as a mistake that'd she'd learn't from. In fact things for a very short time were better than ever. We spoke about marriage, kids and a new house (I owned my own house they'd moved into but we wanted something we could call 'our' home).

 

Then the drinking started again and the 'girls night's out'. But added to this was the abuse, she would constantly berate on me about how I was never around and wanted me to find another job close to home with more money. Now I wanted this too but I wanted something that would keep us financially secure and not just some odd job where we'd be struggling to make ends meet. In short I was already working on a long term project with my job to work from home. Anyway fast forward a few months and I was still very much in love with this girl and wanted to marry her. Her 30th was coming up which was only a few days away from Christmas so I wanted to make it special. So I brought a ring intending to give it to her in the New Year as 2010 was going to be our year. I paid quite a considerable amount for her 30th throwing a huge party shouting her family & friends at a restaurant and equally so for her Christmas gifts, since friends and family would often skimp and combine the two days into one gift. I made sure this wasn't so with me. Jumping back to the abuse at the same time her 30th and Christmas was happening my folks were going through a rough patch and decided to take a break. This was bad enough, but when she made fun of the situation and would ride on me about it. I knew then something really wasn't right. The one time I needed support she wasn't there and if anything made it only worse. It was if she was a stranger and wanted to push me away. So the New Year came and we went away for a week on holidays. All during the holidays I felt like I'd gone away with a stranger, something just didn't feel right. On our way back we dropped into a friends for his birthday, had a few drinks and we had a really great night, better than the whole holiday. Come the next day she suddenly snapped and had to get out asap and began berating me again on the whole 2hr trip home about how I'm never around and that we never have enough money (Now I should state here I earn an ok wage and we earned about the same, and even though she worked she'd often piss it up against a wall and I'd end up covering her child care and her car payments all the while whilst I paid for all the bills and my own mortgage).

 

Now I've always been a fairly reserved man, but as soon as we got home I lost it and stated we were done. I couldn't handle the abuse anymore and felt all respect in the relationship had been lost and that I felt like an ATM to her always bailing her out. I also made it known that the holiday was like going away with a stranger. Within 15 minutes she was gone.

 

Now in spite of all this I quickly regretted saying this and wanted to sort this out, even organised couples counseling which unfortunately I was the only one attending. She refused all contact and claimed I'd kicked her and her daughter out on their arse. At least that was the line she was towing to her family & friends. When this couldn't be any further from the truth. I tried to fix this and in short fix the other issues that weren't mine through councelling. Something she refused to do, yet I still decided to attend if only for my own sake.

 

Fast forward a month and my worst fears were confirmed by some friends who had spoken with her directly. Shortly after the incident when she went home with another guy, she'd continued to do this again with randoms on her 'girls night' outs, with her good friend knowing all along and never telling me. She was so cocky about it she'd even hook up with guys during her lunch break and joke about it. Needless to say I ran off and got an STD check and got the all clear...phew.

 

Now I'm not making excuses for her actions despite how grotesque. But a lot of this came down to her drinking and I know the hardest thing for an alcoholic is to admit that they actually have a problem. But still I found this to be the lowest ebb of humanity I'd ever experienced, especially when I was the one at home looking after her daughter whilst she was out doing these things and I was essentially providing for them both.

 

Now in knowing this you could say I was destroyed to know that for so long things had been a lie and that I was just being used and that her abuse in pushing me away was so that I'd pull the pin and be the bad guy. Even though I tried to fix something that was clearly in hindsight unfixable.

 

10 months later we haven't spoken since. For a time I sent some letters (not abusive) asking for some answers if only for closure and advising that she should seek some help as even her own family were concerned only to get the obligatory “f*@k off I want nothing to do with you” in return. Her friends would often tell me she'd spend most of her time writing herself off. Yet with all refusal to have anything to do with me I could do nothing to help. The only thing stopping me from showing up at her door step was her daughter whom I didn't want to have to go through and see any of this, but in turn she would use her own daughter to hide behind so that I wouldn't anyway.

 

So I chose to finally accept this, that I had to find respect for myself and rebuild the person whom I once was and not this defeated shell of a person I now was and all the compromises I'd made along the way. So I did the rebuild.

 

I'm happy to say I'm finally working from home, transferring roles with work and earning considerably more. Even returned the ring and went off and brought a motorbike with the money, something I thought I'd never do. And more importantly I started dating other people and I'm in a solid relationship now. I read all the self help books and did what they said and also met some great people on the way.

 

Now don't get me wrong the story doesn't quite end here. I still think about this girl, but if anything I have far too much self respect now to ever get involved with her again. Yes this girl I was dead keen on marrying looking through the abuse etc... and for a time she wanted this too, leaving paper cutouts of rings in my wallet or clothes drawers.

 

I often hear through friends she's still having problems and got mixed up with some real losers especially a guy where she had to leave her job and find another one as he kept harassing her. Given the information I know most guys would write her off and walk away never wanting anything to do with her again. Funny thing is despite all this I don't hold a grudge, if anything I feel sorry for her and I think the only reason I still think about her is because I remember the person whom she was and that I’d fallen in love with and don't care much to think about the person she eventually became. That and I feel sorry for her own daughter who has this mother of a role model to look up to.

I'm also pretty sure I'll think about her for a long time more to come, but I will also remember the compromises I made in the process and what not to do or accept in future relationships.

 

So yeah if you made it this far, then I will say this. No matter what gets thrown at you at the end of the day you have to manage yourself and be number one, because if nothing changes, well then nothing changes.

 

Thanks for reading and I hope this tale helps some of you move on when it comes to coping.

 

LT

[shayan]

wow elaborate, beautiful.

[stopthemadness]

I've been a long time reader here and some of the sage advice I've come across on here has really helped me cope with past relationship issues, but only now I felt that it was time to write what for me has been a very complicated endeavor. So bare with me on this, it's long but I'm sure you'll enjoy the read. I should almost make this a book. But it's certainly an interesting tale and for those still coping I hope you will get something from this...

 

In a galaxy far far away.... whoops wrong story, ok here goes.

 

So to begin with I met a girl (funny that) over 3 years ago at work and we fell for each other straight away, she literally made my heart skip a beat when I 1st set eyes on her (I'm not kidding either) and to this day I still feel as strongly for her now as I did the 1st day I met her.

 

Fast forward 8 months and she leaves her job and moves in with me. Now I lived about 2hrs away from work and loved my job. She wasn't keen on the travel, that and she had a 3 year old at the time. Whom I equally adored and we got along like a house on fire, so I became an instant dad so to speak as well. Now we struggled a bit since it was just me working whilst she was trying to find a job more local and financially it was pretty rough, that and I'd often come home quite late due to the travelling.

 

She eventually found something part time which eventually went to full time and things travelled along quite smoothly for awhile. Well at least so I thought. Turns out she befriended a girl at work and they'd spend a lot of time out together, now I was happy she was making friends, but this one was a bit younger and drank a bit and as she herself was partial to drinking, she started to get into it in such an extent it was becoming a problem.

 

The catalyst came when we went out celebrating with her friends after a big football game final, to which she wanted to stay out late and party, knowing that her child had a birthday party to attend early the next day (I knew straight away she wasn't going to be able to take her the next day at the rate she was going). She refused to come home so I left wanting to be able to take her daughter to the party the next day, kids are only kids once so felt it was important for her daughter to go. My biggest mistake was to leave, as she didn't come home till the next day and I was left to take her child to the party (She came too but I had to take her back home as she was still too hung over, then I had to go back to the party to pick her daughter up), now don't get me wrong I loved her kid as if she was my own, but I was seeing some serious neglect taking place on her part leaving me to fill in the void. I figured something happened that night as her 'friend' was over descriptive as to saying that she stayed over and all. I later found out she'd gone home with some other guy. Needless to say I was shattered and we took a break for a few weeks.

 

We got back and decided we'd give this another shot thinking the relationship still had enough substance left in it to work this out. Now some guys can't switch off from this stuff and I'm happy to say I could and saw this as a mistake that'd she'd learn't from. In fact things for a very short time were better than ever. We spoke about marriage, kids and a new house (I owned my own house they'd moved into but we wanted something we could call 'our' home).

 

Then the drinking started again and the 'girls night's out'. But added to this was the abuse, she would constantly berate on me about how I was never around and wanted me to find another job close to home with more money. Now I wanted this too but I wanted something that would keep us financially secure and not just some odd job where we'd be struggling to make ends meet. In short I was already working on a long term project with my job to work from home. Anyway fast forward a few months and I was still very much in love with this girl and wanted to marry her. Her 30th was coming up which was only a few days away from Christmas so I wanted to make it special. So I brought a ring intending to give it to her in the New Year as 2010 was going to be our year. I paid quite a considerable amount for her 30th throwing a huge party shouting her family & friends at a restaurant and equally so for her Christmas gifts, since friends and family would often skimp and combine the two days into one gift. I made sure this wasn't so with me. Jumping back to the abuse at the same time her 30th and Christmas was happening my folks were going through a rough patch and decided to take a break. This was bad enough, but when she made fun of the situation and would ride on me about it. I knew then something really wasn't right. The one time I needed support she wasn't there and if anything made it only worse. It was if she was a stranger and wanted to push me away. So the New Year came and we went away for a week on holidays. All during the holidays I felt like I'd gone away with a stranger, something just didn't feel right. On our way back we dropped into a friends for his birthday, had a few drinks and we had a really great night, better than the whole holiday. Come the next day she suddenly snapped and had to get out asap and began berating me again on the whole 2hr trip home about how I'm never around and that we never have enough money (Now I should state here I earn an ok wage and we earned about the same, and even though she worked she'd often piss it up against a wall and I'd end up covering her child care and her car payments all the while whilst I paid for all the bills and my own mortgage).

 

Now I've always been a fairly reserved man, but as soon as we got home I lost it and stated we were done. I couldn't handle the abuse anymore and felt all respect in the relationship had been lost and that I felt like an ATM to her always bailing her out. I also made it known that the holiday was like going away with a stranger. Within 15 minutes she was gone.

 

Now in spite of all this I quickly regretted saying this and wanted to sort this out, even organised couples counseling which unfortunately I was the only one attending. She refused all contact and claimed I'd kicked her and her daughter out on their arse. At least that was the line she was towing to her family & friends. When this couldn't be any further from the truth. I tried to fix this and in short fix the other issues that weren't mine through councelling. Something she refused to do, yet I still decided to attend if only for my own sake.

 

Fast forward a month and my worst fears were confirmed by some friends who had spoken with her directly. Shortly after the incident when she went home with another guy, she'd continued to do this again with randoms on her 'girls night' outs, with her good friend knowing all along and never telling me. She was so cocky about it she'd even hook up with guys during her lunch break and joke about it. Needless to say I ran off and got an STD check and got the all clear...phew.

 

Now I'm not making excuses for her actions despite how grotesque. But a lot of this came down to her drinking and I know the hardest thing for an alcoholic is to admit that they actually have a problem. But still I found this to be the lowest ebb of humanity I'd ever experienced, especially when I was the one at home looking after her daughter whilst she was out doing these things and I was essentially providing for them both.

 

Now in knowing this you could say I was destroyed to know that for so long things had been a lie and that I was just being used and that her abuse in pushing me away was so that I'd pull the pin and be the bad guy. Even though I tried to fix something that was clearly in hindsight unfixable.

 

10 months later we haven't spoken since. For a time I sent some letters (not abusive) asking for some answers if only for closure and advising that she should seek some help as even her own family were concerned only to get the obligatory “f*@k off I want nothing to do with you” in return. Her friends would often tell me she'd spend most of her time writing herself off. Yet with all refusal to have anything to do with me I could do nothing to help. The only thing stopping me from showing up at her door step was her daughter whom I didn't want to have to go through and see any of this, but in turn she would use her own daughter to hide behind so that I wouldn't anyway.

 

So I chose to finally accept this, that I had to find respect for myself and rebuild the person whom I once was and not this defeated shell of a person I now was and all the compromises I'd made along the way. So I did the rebuild.

 

I'm happy to say I'm finally working from home, transferring roles with work and earning considerably more. Even returned the ring and went off and brought a motorbike with the money, something I thought I'd never do. And more importantly I started dating other people and I'm in a solid relationship now. I read all the self help books and did what they said and also met some great people on the way.

 

Now don't get me wrong the story doesn't quite end here. I still think about this girl, but if anything I have far too much self respect now to ever get involved with her again. Yes this girl I was dead keen on marrying looking through the abuse etc... and for a time she wanted this too, leaving paper cutouts of rings in my wallet or clothes drawers.

 

I often hear through friends she's still having problems and got mixed up with some real losers especially a guy where she had to leave her job and find another one as he kept harassing her. Given the information I know most guys would write her off and walk away never wanting anything to do with her again. Funny thing is despite all this I don't hold a grudge, if anything I feel sorry for her and I think the only reason I still think about her is because I remember the person whom she was and that I’d fallen in love with and don't care much to think about the person she eventually became. That and I feel sorry for her own daughter who has this mother of a role model to look up to.

I'm also pretty sure I'll think about her for a long time more to come, but I will also remember the compromises I made in the process and what not to do or accept in future relationships.

 

So yeah if you made it this far, then I will say this. No matter what gets thrown at you at the end of the day you have to manage yourself and be number one, because if nothing changes, well then nothing changes.

 

Thanks for reading and I hope this tale helps some of you move on when it comes to coping.

 

LT

Wow that was a good story. Thanks for posting it. It gives me hope and it had a happy ending too. (smile)

[Broken_flowers]

Just read your story, I have to say man you are a stronger person than I am. You did the right thing IMO. Atleast you aren't burdened as much as you had been, or would be.

[Lemontang]

Thanks guys. It's feel good just writing it out. It was a significant chapter in my life. If anything most of my other relationships have ended quite amicably and I'm friends with most of my ex's (yes it can be done guys), so had never really had a bad relationship before. Even her own family felt she took advantage of me at times. This one however refuses to even communicate. Her loss at the end of the day as she made her choices. But I sure as hell wasn't going to waste 10 months of my life pining over someone who still has a long way to go before they decide to grow up. Life's not a dress rehearsal.