jealousy between girlfriend and her boyfriend's sister

[alison02]

I am still having trouble dealing with the break-up of my relationship and have been ruminating constantly about it for the last two months.. I have sought counseling and it's helped a lot but some things are not going away..

 

My ex-boyfriend was very close with his sister.. He called her his best friend. He even lived with her. He would invite her everywhere we went. She would call at least five times on a sunday morning to see what we were doing.. All this got to be too much for me.. His sister and I were both very different people.. She was beautiful, successful, and had lots of friends. I am looking for a a new job and think I am average looking. After a while, I wondering why my ex was still living with her (he was sleeping on her futon in a small studio) when he had a well-paying job. He would never really give me a reason.. Once his sister said that if only one person could take care of her the rest of her life, it would be her brother. I always felt like i was second place and that his sister came first, in terms of doing things with her on the weekend (i mean, he saw her during the week!). I started to dislike her and I felt really bad. I could tell she would be upset if he decided to do something with me rather than drive her to the salon (two blocks from her house!). He would drive her places, write papers for her, book her airline tickets, etc.. sometimes over doing things for me. In addition, she would constantly tell him what to do in my presence. She would say things like, "you smell. change your socks.. take a shower right now." So he would. He would do anything she said. It got to the point, where I thought their relationship was too close and getting int he way of ours (they would take more than once a day). At one point, we had a big fight and I told him I was tired his "incestous," relationship with her and I felt we were in a threesome. I felt those words were harsh and I ended up apologizing.

 

Now that our relationship is over, I still think about his sister and feel bad, even though I disliked her, that she has ill feelings towards me and I know if I saw her, she would bitch me out, because she protects her brother above all else. Sometimes I feel she was the one who came into the middle of our relationship and made things stressed. She would say things like, "yeah don't you think chad drinks too much.. or how can you stay with a guy who doesn't have a job.. or he is thinking of maybe moving out of the country..." She would say things all the time to deter me from him but at the same time write in a christmas card that she was happy i was a part of their family. I don't know why but almost think about her and her feelings towards me, more than chads. It's weird. I feel the jealousy between the both of us, ultimately, ruined things in the end between my boyfriend and I. Was it wrong for me to get upset for wanting to spend more along time with my bf? I always felt that if we were ever to break up he would choose her and he did. I know family comes first, but it was hard dealing with her controlling behavior and I wanted my relationship to work so bad, since we were so in love and perfect for each other.. But in the long-run, this probably still would have been a problem.. his sister's meddling ways.. It really drove me crazy, to the point of yelling and lashing out at my bf.. but he couldn't tell her to not stop calling or run errands for her, etc..

[Papillon]

Blood is thicker than water...ain't that the truth.

 

You gotta remember that siblings share a depth of feeling that can never be equaled by anyone outside the family. Never ever.

 

In your case, it seems that they were just closer than usual. You didn't mention whether his sister had a BF, it seems apparent that she doesn't. That may also be the root of the problem from her side - I'm sure if she had a guy in her life, she wouldn't be so emotionally dependent on her brother.

 

I think you had every right to expect a certain exclusivity in your relationship - from the way you describe their relationship, it's seems almost "unhealthy". I wouldn't go as far as to allude to incest, but you have to admit that it's a distinct possiblity. It doesn't matter, though.

 

Him dragging her along all the time would have pissed me off as well. But then again, you might need to see the situation from his point of view as well. He most probably felt a weight of responsibility towards you both, and he probably thought he was striking a good balance, but without really understanding what he was doing to you.

 

I do have a word a encouragement for you - if she's so beautiful and successful, why ain't she involved with a rich hunk that will drag her attention away from her brother?

[amerikajin]

I don't think there's anything truly incestuous going on; otherwise, he never would have sought you out in the first place.

 

Sometimes, family members can be too protective and too much involved in a person's life. I think there's also a fear of displacement, particularly among parents who are of the opposite sex of the child. That is, I think that in some cases, mothers (and even sisters I guess) have a hard time letting another woman come into the family out of fear she'll end up getting the lion's share of the man's attention, which does in fact happen if the relationship is successful; vice versa for men. Some people have a hard time dealing with watching their son/daughter/brother/sister leave the family.

 

I'm not sure you made any big mistakes here, other than getting frustrated and accusing them of having an "incestuous". But who doesn't lose their temper once in a while? That was probably a mistake, but at the same time, I think your ex needs to wake up and realize he needs some degree of separation from his sister. Others are going to find it difficult to be involved with him in the future. Maybe after a few more breakups he'll get the picture and start forming his own identity.

[user1]

I searched the web for the same exact problem, and here I am....

 

What you are experiencing is obviously the sister's jealousy. Isn't really creepy how the situation can be turned around and you are seen as the jealous and petty one?! It is a horrible feeling to know that someone has to make a choice; either you to stay with him, or him between you and his sister/family.

 

I agree with the other posts that for a lot of men, blood is thicker than water. So sad.

 

If it's any consolation at all, know that you will someday find someone who most likely won't have such an extreme close relationship with his sister. You wouldn't want that anyway...too much stress and heartache.

 

In my relationship, my boyfriend doesn't sleep with his sister (ick), but he loves his sister very much and values her advice. I have been nothing but really nice to her; she has been spoiled, rude, and passive aggressive, which I can't stand. she is a poser (crows about artsey independent movies,says people who don't like them are "stupid," but yet she spends hundreds of dollars on designer clothes). Through the years, I have been nothing but nice to her in hopes of gaining her approval and her support of my relationship with her brother.

 

I don't know why I even wasted my effort. She in turn tells him and her family that I'm "high maintenance" and demanding. she calls during hallmark holidays to ask what he got me, and then she tells him that he should not have to get me anything.

 

Get this: she told him not to get me a diamond engagement ring because of the blood diamond situation in the congo, where money from the diamond trade is funneled to support civil war. she says I'm materialistic because we were shopping for a diamond engagment ring. Like tell me ladies, what woman in this world would not wish to have a diamond engagement ring when they are being asked for her hand in marriage??!!

 

she had a big fight with their other brother, so they haven't talked in 2 years, so all she has is my boyfriend. she hasn't had a boyfriend in years. she is really cold to me when I see her, and she is the only daughter in the family, so you can guess what an influence she has on his mother and him. It is a bad sign. I can't wait in my life anymore for a guy to love me the way we deserve to be loved, so I know that if my boyfriend will be swayed by this ridiculousness, then he deserves them.

 

a few weeks ago, he said to me: You hate my sister don't you...you call her a poser. Well, I said to him, did it ever occur to you that she Hates ME and lthat she is jealous of the attention you give me? he said no, she wouldn't do that. Well, I pointed out that she used to criticize his ex-fiancee.

 

Ofcourse I feel insecure about the situation, because I have gone through the same hell of another boyfriend choosing his mother (who hated me because of my ethnicity) over me.

 

so, dear, I feel for your pain. it is good that you are out of that sick situation, which is a no win situation. you will find a guy that will love you and make you number one in his life. that is what you deserve. it is what we all deserve. so, know that the only thing you did wrong was not dumping the guy earlier.