ronsbigadventure Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 My wife has a best friends that a guy. The talk and text a lot. Our marriage is rocky right now and his is even worse. Recipe for disaster or not? Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 My wife has a best friends that a guy. The talk and text a lot. Our marriage is rocky right now and his is even worse. Recipe for disaster or not? Marriage on the rocks? Probably is a recipe for disaster. However, I have one specific male friend that we talk on the phone probably 3 times a week. He lives in another state & we've been friends forever. He teases from time to time about us 'gettin' together' I just laugh, poo foo him, & blow it off. He's not serious. I know that. We're really JUST friends! Another however, I was "friends' with the man I ended up having an affair with. We had A LOT in common. We talked for hours at a time. At that point in my life - rocky marriage - I didn't see where the line was & totally crossed it. (& so did he) You need to talk to your wife about this friendship before it gets out of hand. IMO Are you friends with this man as well? My friend that lives in another state, he is also friends with my husband. I think that's VERY important to keep things in line. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 Have you met him? How long has he "been the bestfriend"? Do you feel in your gut something is off, something could be happening between them? Read my response to your other thread. This so called friend COULD be a potiental hazard to your marriage, if your wife is turning to him for her needs, emotionally and getting something from him, BE CAREFUL. You said that the marriage is rocky and she's not feeling it for you right now... Not a good sign. It IS possible to have friendship, but the spouses have to be included on occasion and be Ok with it. Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 You've posted several different threads in several different sections. That is frowned upon and makes it difficult for people to respond. Just FYI. :) Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2010 Share Posted November 19, 2010 Yeah...she's had a good "friend" since nursing school. They are just friends and she doesn't have any feelings for him, and I've let her know that the amount of time they talk and text bothers me but she insist nothing has or will ever happen. To top it off his wife is just crazy and his marriage is worse off than mine. So yeah. If it's not happening now I have very strong feeling it will if we split. She of course say's no. We talk very well together and genarally listen. So I really feel she doesn't have feelings for him other than friends but he's a guy with a crazy and sorry to say ugly wife. She say's no but his intentions are more than just being friends and I wonder if his attention he gives her, and me over the past few year not giving her the attention she needs has really been the killer. Does anybody think a married man and woman can be best friends? Taken from another thread of yours.. You should be kind of concerned that she IS texting and talking to him that much. I am female and have a bestfriend ,we talk everyday but don't text all day long. I have afew good male friends, but my H knows them well too, even the ones I've known and grown up with, he is involved and knows them. Have you seen any of the texts or emails? They're too chummy. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted November 20, 2010 Share Posted November 20, 2010 My wife has a best friends that a guy. The talk and text a lot. Our marriage is rocky right now and his is even worse. Recipe for disaster or not? As my dad used to say: "Sumthin bad's gettin' ready to happen here" Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 20, 2010 Share Posted November 20, 2010 Can a Married man and woman be best friends? The answer is yes, as long as they're married to each other. Otherwise, it's an inappropriate allocation of emotional energy. Many examples could be given but one that comes to mind is this - wouldn't you normally be OK with your wife going away for the weekend with her "best friend"? Wouldn't you understand if she confided in her "best friend"? Doesn't work if they are opposite sex... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
make me believe Posted November 20, 2010 Share Posted November 20, 2010 Can a Married man and woman be best friends? The answer is yes, as long as they're married to each other. Otherwise, it's an inappropriate allocation of emotional energy. I agree completely! I think it's totally inappropriate for a married man or woman to be "best friends" with someone of the opposite sex. Link to post Share on other sites
goingstrong Posted November 20, 2010 Share Posted November 20, 2010 My wife has a best friends that a guy. The talk and text a lot. Our marriage is rocky right now and his is even worse. Recipe for disaster or not? No,not ever. Link to post Share on other sites
miracle252 Posted November 21, 2010 Share Posted November 21, 2010 Maybe it is better to talk with your partner. To tell about your troubles and to ask what your partner thinks about this. However, if there is no understanding between you both then nothing good will happen. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted November 21, 2010 Share Posted November 21, 2010 My wife has a best friends that a guy. The talk and text a lot. Our marriage is rocky right now and his is even worse. Recipe for disaster or not? Oh it is absolutely a recipe for diasaster. We have a rule in our relationship, neither of us builds "close" bonds with the opposite sex. Friendly acquaintances? Sure, but we do not confide in the opposite sex, we confide in one another. I do not let some other man be my shoulder to cry on, that is what my lovely man is for. I can't take credit for this next bit here, as it was wisdom dispelled from the lovely mr. hoping2heal, he explained that there are times when a relationship can get rocky or what have you, and you can be in a vulnerable place, you go to another man (or woman) and they seem like the hero, while your partner seems like the *******. He is very right, and that is what can and often does happen. There are some people who are taken aback by my decisions "What do you mean you don't have close male friends??" No, I do not and it isn't a problem for me. I have the best male friend I could hope to find in my partner, and I have a few close girlfriends. That does not mean if I see a man walking down the street I run the other way. There are boundaries though, in both action and talking. They apply to both people I might meet in a professional setting or online. This also keeps things close with my partner and I. Sometimes, we end up shelling out so much of our day to others that by the end of the day, there is not much to share with our partner that hasn't already been discussed with someone else. People talk about how time causes marriages and relationships to crumble, that is a load of hogwash. Marriages crumble when people stop putting effort into them the way they put into their friendships. When we start treating out friends with more care and consideration than our partners of course that relationship begins to wither and go stale. You do not love or appreciate or enjoy your lifelong friends any less simply because they have been around for a few decades do you? Of course not! But, unlike our romantic relationships we are often thoughtful of our friends and their feelings, we go out of our way to do nice things for them and they us, we talk often and candidly and keep communication flowing and honest. As a result we enjoy and cherish those friendships and they us and we know it and it can be felt on both sides. Our romantic relationships should be getting the same treatment. Link to post Share on other sites
Yvelysse Posted November 21, 2010 Share Posted November 21, 2010 Our marriage is rocky . . . Recipe for disaster or not? PeRoId When you are already rocky, He does not have to be the ONLY one you need to worry about. I'd say they commiserate together, to the point of having a platonic relationship with him. But she might be scoping out other guys, she will most likely got out on you. . . with anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Brandi 2 Posted November 22, 2010 Share Posted November 22, 2010 My wife has a best friends that a guy. The talk and text a lot. Our marriage is rocky right now and his is even worse. Recipe for disaster or not? I don't think it's a good idea at all. I can understand having guy friends, but there's a limit. Link to post Share on other sites
Brandi 2 Posted November 22, 2010 Share Posted November 22, 2010 I agree completely! I think it's totally inappropriate for a married man or woman to be "best friends" with someone of the opposite sex. Her husband should be her best friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Clep Posted November 24, 2010 Share Posted November 24, 2010 I can't say whether it is a recipe for disaster in your case, but in mine it was. I naively use to think that men just wanted friendship. That only ended up being the case in one instance out of all the men I knew and still know. I am 41 and I was about 35 when I figured that out. I was an attention seeker due to poor self worth and skills. My preference was to have many men to stroke my pride but one would do if he was consistent. My guy did that, but not to the extent I needed. No one could have. Things were never really platonic. I mean we didn't touch, but I confided in him about things in my relationship and knew that if I left my guy he would be there at the drop of a hat to fill his shoes. I was in denial about that though as I would not have had my ego stroked if I admitted it. I have one male friend now. That was only invited under pretty tight boundaries. He is friends with us both, not just me and we see him together. A person's best friend should be their partner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goingstrong Posted November 24, 2010 Share Posted November 24, 2010 Red alert! Shields Up! If she isn't EA involved with him, she will be shortly. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted November 24, 2010 Share Posted November 24, 2010 In a hetero couple, a married person's BEST FRIEND of the opposite sex should be their SPOUSE. End of story, as far as I'm concerned. Link to post Share on other sites
worlybear Posted November 25, 2010 Share Posted November 25, 2010 According to me surely a married man and woman can be the best friends. It is a matter of understanding. Gender is not a issue for being best friends. If you know and understand the person. It is very good to have friend even after marriage. In my understanding there is room for only 2 people in the marriage needing best friends and that's the husband and wife. If either are "best friends" outside the marriage with another, then they may as well fast-track to a quickie divorce- cos it sure as hell won't stay innocent! And it will probably cost a lot less in the long run! Link to post Share on other sites
nittanylion Posted November 27, 2010 Share Posted November 27, 2010 My wife has a best friends that a guy. The talk and text a lot. Our marriage is rocky right now and his is even worse. Recipe for disaster or not? Sure why not? one thing led to another, adultery is committed. Link to post Share on other sites
pablopedro Posted November 27, 2010 Share Posted November 27, 2010 People can have as many friends as the want. But unless it's a gay man, it's a recipe for disaster no matter what anybody says. Relationship are rough sometimes. There will be rocky times. Life isn't always happy and peaceful. If your spouse goes to this opposite sex best friend during one of these rocky times, it's almost a certainty that something might happen. How many times do you hear, "it just happened." If your significant other has a best friend who is of the opposite sex, and they talk/chat/text a few times a week or more and they go to them in times of need and they go to them during rocky times, what exactly is the point of their significant other? A roommate? Same sex best friends who have known each other for years don't always have the time to talk to one another every week. With texting it's a little easier, but to me, it's a little odd that two married people have best friends of the opposite sex who aren't their partners. Link to post Share on other sites
whammy Posted December 18, 2010 Share Posted December 18, 2010 i dont think straight men and women can REAL TRUE friends. there is ALWAYS ulterior motive by someone. these ulterior motives are true for both men and women. Im just out of college and personally know about 70-100 girls really well and I am friends with NONE of them. And I have gone through stages of being friends, for small periods of time with all of them. they were all spurned by romantic feelings in some form. Usually, i liked her or she liked me. or I liked one of her friends or she liked one of mine. and as soon as any of those attractions fizzled then so did my friendship and contact with the girls...after months of hanging out and getting close, over night it became just saying hi to each other at the bars... and dont say there is difference because of age...ike it different because im dealing with college girls. Grown women are nothing more than older "girls." I also dont think women or men want to close with people of the opposite sex that they are not attracted to. Think about it. for all the people on here that are worried about a wifes new friend...how many times have you found out that she went to lunch with greg, the obese janitor? if a women wants to friends with a men it because she is attracted to him...nobody wastes time on people they not attracted to... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted December 18, 2010 Share Posted December 18, 2010 Yes that is definitely a recipie for an affair, which in my opinion, has already been started by your wife, OP. You say they text and talk a lot on the phone, you need to get ready mentally because your situation is about to get worse before you see the light at the end of the tunnel. She's already cheating on you, and it's at least an emotional affair, if she hasn't screwed him yet. That's the reason why your marriage is on the rocks, is because she's paying attention to some other punk. And in regards to the debate about married parnters and best friends, your SPOUSE is your best friend, supporter, and lover. Not someone other person outside the marriage. Married spouses should not be so casual with opposite-sex people outside the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
StrangeCanine Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 My wife has a best friends that a guy. The talk and text a lot. Our marriage is rocky right now and his is even worse. Recipe for disaster or not? With no doubt in my mind that is the ultimate recipe for relationship disaster. I've been through it and I was the best friend, She divorced her husband and now we are married. Don't let that happen to you. Link to post Share on other sites
UnsureinSeattle Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 Once, I would have said "sure!" and thought it was too jealous/controlling/insecure to want to interfere with such a relationship. Now? I think that the SO should be putting you first, and you should be putting the SO first. Everything else simply isn't important if you're truly committed to each other. Bottom line- if any relationship your SO has with anyone makes you feel uncomfortable, you have the right to at least open up a dialogue about it and say so. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 My wife has a best friends that a guy. The talk and text a lot. Our marriage is rocky right now and his is even worse. Recipe for disaster or not? Some people can do this. I cannot. Intimacy and attraction flow hand in glove for me, so both cognizant and unsuspecting women are vulnerable. This has caused much anguish over the years so now I avoid attached women and concentrate on males as friends. If a moment happens to occur, I consciously diffuse it and suggest they share more with their husbands or boyfriends. The only exception is if the relationship revolves around a mutual interest and there is no discussion of personal and private business. My best friend is a male and his wife and I are close and I mind those boundaries carefully, since she sometimes 'spills'. 'I shouldn't know these things. That's between you and him' are commonly heard phrases from me. I show her love and support but keep a polite distance. I think that's healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts