Lovinhimlovinher Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 My wife has a best friends that a guy. The talk and text a lot. Our marriage is rocky right now and his is even worse. Recipe for disaster or not? From my own personal experience it has the potential. (there is potential problems in ANY situation though) If your wife feels the need to talk to him about how bad things are and him do the same then they might realize that they agree on a lot of things. He might tell her that if it were him he wouldn't do that or say that to her. The grass is always greener on the other side when you are struggling with your own life or relationships. However if you try to take her friend away from her she might think that is the last straw. Make her realize how much you lover her and if things are that bad then you should sit down and talk things out. There are some times when I don't feel like I can express my feelings so I wait until we are laying down and in the dark. I know that sounds silly but it works for me. The bottom line is the problem isn't with her friend it is if you feel that you will be able to get through your current problems. Communication and trust are key to any relationship. If you can not trust each other or talk about why you can't then maybe you both need to sit down and see what you can do to make it better or move on. I hope everything works out. I it is my opinion that all marriages can work if the people in them work hard enough. Good luck and have a great Christmas. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovinhimlovinher Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 i dont think straight men and women can REAL TRUE friends. there is ALWAYS ulterior motive by someone. these ulterior motives are true for both men and women. Im just out of college and personally know about 70-100 girls really well and I am friends with NONE of them. And I have gone through stages of being friends, for small periods of time with all of them. they were all spurned by romantic feelings in some form. Usually, i liked her or she liked me. or I liked one of her friends or she liked one of mine. and as soon as any of those attractions fizzled then so did my friendship and contact with the girls...after months of hanging out and getting close, over night it became just saying hi to each other at the bars... and dont say there is difference because of age...ike it different because im dealing with college girls. Grown women are nothing more than older "girls." I also dont think women or men want to close with people of the opposite sex that they are not attracted to. Think about it. for all the people on here that are worried about a wifes new friend...how many times have you found out that she went to lunch with greg, the obese janitor? if a women wants to friends with a men it because she is attracted to him...nobody wastes time on people they not attracted to... My husband is my ultimate best friend. Outside of our marriage my best friend is a man. We flirt and laugh but I have NO romantic feelings for him. My husband laughs and calls him my BF but knows there is nothing going on. I am in an open marriage but even that doesn't mean i will sleep with him. When we talk on the phone we could be on there for hours. We meet on a certain night of the week and go to ao local bar and talk and hang out with friends. This does not mean I am cheating on my husband. We have been friends for MANY years and when we were young we did have sex several times. It wasn't romantic then either. It was fun and pleasurable but not everyone mixes romance with sex. No I wouldn't even consider having sex with him. At the time we were both single and it was fun. Now we booth have So and just are great friends. It isn't always a disaster to have the OS as a best friend. In my opinion my friendship might be the exception to the rule. I also can not agree with your last statement. Only shallow people would only be friends with someone just because they are attracted to them. Seriously if someone is hot but is a total d*ck then he is no longer attractive . Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 OP, shall we assume the man in question is hetero and, as 'best friends', their friendship pre-dates your M and revolves around things other than sharing relationship issues, though perhaps inclusive of such issues? I think that's good information to know. I've had many women turn to me during tough times in their marriages and a few became MW's. In retrospect, none have been healthy, arm's length friendships, rather friendships of 'convenience'. My most significant affair partner collected men as 'friends' and sought validation through such friendships. Tell me, does your wife have one or two really close girlfriends she confides in? Does she generally like women, enjoy them and spend time with them? Or, does she relate better to men? These answers will tell a lot about the true nature of the dynamic in question. Happy to help if possible. Take care Link to post Share on other sites
Lovinhimlovinher Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 People can have as many friends as the want. But unless it's a gay man, it's a recipe for disaster no matter what anybody says. Relationship are rough sometimes. There will be rocky times. Life isn't always happy and peaceful. If your spouse goes to this opposite sex best friend during one of these rocky times, it's almost a certainty that something might happen. How many times do you hear, "it just happened." If your significant other has a best friend who is of the opposite sex, and they talk/chat/text a few times a week or more and they go to them in times of need and they go to them during rocky times, what exactly is the point of their significant other? A roommate? Same sex best friends who have known each other for years don't always have the time to talk to one another every week. With texting it's a little easier, but to me, it's a little odd that two married people have best friends of the opposite sex who aren't their partners. My best friend now is a male. When my husband and I got married our best man was his female friend. Some of the worst friends I have ever had are of the same sex. Even growing up we have both always been better friends with the opposite sex. I think, like everything else, it only depends on the people involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Seamless74 Posted December 25, 2010 Share Posted December 25, 2010 (edited) The answer is yes, as long as they're married to each other. Otherwise, it's an inappropriate allocation of emotional energy. Many examples could be given but one that comes to mind is this - wouldn't you normally be OK with your wife going away for the weekend with her "best friend"? Wouldn't you understand if she confided in her "best friend"? Doesn't work if they are opposite sex...Completely true... I can't say whether it is a recipe for disaster in your case, but in mine it was. I naively use to think that men just wanted friendship. That only ended up being the case in one instance out of all the men I knew and still know. I am 41 and I was about 35 when I figured that out. I was an attention seeker due to poor self worth and skills. My preference was to have many men to stroke my pride but one would do if he was consistent. My guy did that, but not to the extent I needed. No one could have. Things were never really platonic. I mean we didn't touch, but I confided in him about things in my relationship and knew that if I left my guy he would be there at the drop of a hat to fill his shoes. I was in denial about that though as I would not have had my ego stroked if I admitted it. I have one male friend now. That was only invited under pretty tight boundaries. He is friends with us both, not just me and we see him together. A person's best friend should be their partner. There you go fellas, thats what ive been talking about forever around here, finally a woman gives an honest assessment of the "Platonic Friendship" the underlying reason why they have um and theyre motivations to keep the thing going... in platonic friendship woman=attention whore man=passive agressive desperate semi stalker. And to the OP your most definately ****ed and yet another reason why to consider never getting married/ good luck bro... and i suggest your wifes principle crime is not that she ****ing around on you yet.. its just that shes disrespecting the masculine energy around her with you undercutting you as a spouse the principle male in her life as well as this joker friend or whatever making him curtail his sexual desires in order to just be friends makes me believe she has serious self respect issues for herself or is a closet man hater.. Edited December 25, 2010 by Seamless74 1 Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted December 25, 2010 Share Posted December 25, 2010 I agree completely! I think it's totally inappropriate for a married man or woman to be "best friends" with someone of the opposite sex. How much more simple/basic can it be than this. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 25, 2010 Share Posted December 25, 2010 Yeah, I had a best female friend for many years, completely mutually platonic and, once she met the guy that she eventually married, as that process got more 'serious', even though I knew her boyfriend/fiance well and supported their relationship, the friendship became more 'awkward' and finally we drifted apart. I'd say it went on, in total, for about 10-12 years. I missed the friendship but understood. Link to post Share on other sites
Nightsky Posted December 25, 2010 Share Posted December 25, 2010 "Can a Married man and woman be best friends?" In theory yes, but in practice probably not. Link to post Share on other sites
whammy Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 (edited) My husband is my ultimate best friend. Outside of our marriage my best friend is a man. We flirt and laugh but I have NO romantic feelings for him. My husband laughs and calls him my BF but knows there is nothing going on. I am in an open marriage but even that doesn't mean i will sleep with him. When we talk on the phone we could be on there for hours. We meet on a certain night of the week and go to ao local bar and talk and hang out with friends. This does not mean I am cheating on my husband. We have been friends for MANY years and when we were young we did have sex several times. It wasn't romantic then either. It was fun and pleasurable but not everyone mixes romance with sex. No I wouldn't even consider having sex with him. At the time we were both single and it was fun. Now we booth have So and just are great friends. It isn't always a disaster to have the OS as a best friend. In my opinion my friendship might be the exception to the rule. I also can not agree with your last statement. Only shallow people would only be friends with someone just because they are attracted to them. Seriously if someone is hot but is a total d*ck then he is no longer attractive . Yeh, you definitely are the exception to rule. And you said it yourself...you and this "friend" already have sexual history. And your in an open marriage that gives you a different mindset from a women in a normal marriage. You dont have to put all your eggs in one friendship basket (so to speak). You can do whatever you what with whoever you want. you can be friends with the hot guy, the funny guy, the drunk guy, whatever...there is no pressure on you to find all that in one guy like a regular married woman would. We can take a poll on here...of EVERY man whose wife has a new "friend" I GUARANTEE that friend is an attractive man. People are instinctively shallow, part of what initially draws them to one another (friendship or otherwise) is how they look. I mean women think they can tell a lot about a mans personality and life by the way he smiles or stares, or walks, etc... They think hes warm or exciting or whatever...just by the way his face moves when he smiles....so yeh looks matter to everyone. and you might not want your friend but I will put my life savings on the fact that he hopes to bang you every time hes around you. Edited January 8, 2011 by whammy Link to post Share on other sites
whammy Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 and another thing...its not just about the friendship itself, its also how important the friendship is. If a man has a problem with his wifes new friend and she didnt give it up the MINUTE her husband asks you to...that also a problem. For example, If I found a cool girl to be friends with...like, she loved video games and wanted to get drunk with me while we went to the bar to watch football..I would think to myself "sweet, this chic is awesome" but if my wife came up to me and said "your friendship with this woman is making me uncomfortable and insecure and I would like it end"...I would be on the phone with the my friend telling her we cant hang out anymore before my wife even finished her sentence. so the fact that your spouse wont give up the friendship or hides it is just as bad as the "friendship" itself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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