4 Q's (Want girlfriend; Keep girls interested; friend-> relationship?; Appearance)

March 9, 2004

Yes. It's me again

I have some questions for you all.

[ 1 ]

I really.. really! want a girlfriend. I'm 18 years old and I've never had a real girlfriend. Ok , one actually, a month ago, for 2 weeks, saw eachother 3 times & she was just messing with me or something. More on this later.

After feeling how it is to be loved(and love back), to get attention, to give and receive affection... I want it back.

I know this sounds rather desperate, but I really need someone in my life to love, and who loves me. I've been waiting for 18 years, been interested in girls since I was 12 or something, but never as much as now. Could any of you give me tips on "getting a girl".

[ 2 ]

For some reason, I can't keep a girl interested. I think some girls who liked me when they first met me got bored with me after being with me for a while/after getting to know me better. Like my previous girlfriend: We met at a party, had a wonderful time, week after that to cinema 2 times.. I enjoyed myself, I think she did too, but well she broke up after our 3th date. Her reason was she just didn't love me. I've had more of these situations. I'm just not such of a social outgoing person I want to be spontaneous, fun, funny, witty etc, but I guess you can't force these things? How do I keep a girl interested!

[ 3 ]

I've been real good friends with my (female) neighbour since 4 months or something. I hang out with her all the time, she always asks if I want to go shopping with her,she even asked me to go to the school prom with her, but she also always talks to me about who she likes and her problems. I guess most of you think this is a normal, friends-relationship. Well, I've never had one of those with a girl, so my question: is this normal? Everyone who knows us thinks we're dating or we have a relationship. A good friend of mine asked her if she liked me and she replied no. Also when she's having pain at her back or something and I say u want me to massage your back? she replies haha no thanks (as in, not from you).

So: this is just a friends-relationship, and it won't be anything more probably... right? Is it foolish to try something with her?

[ 4 ]

Just a by-the-way.

This one's concerning my appearance.

Me@September 2003 (on the left)

Me@December 2003

Me@Now

I don't really have problems with my appearance, but there's always room for improvement.

I'm really having problems with what haircut to have, anyone have a cool suggestion? Also I suffer from blue rings under my eyes (forgot the right word).. because I don't sleep enough I guess (or lacking some vitamin?) Is there any way to get rid of them without going to bed earlier?

Thanks for any replies!

and yes, i know, i'm a nag

March 9, 2004

I have a question that will seem off-topic, but it's really not, you'll see.

How is your relationship with other people in your life, specifically:

* Your parents?

* Your siblings?

* Your male friends?

* Your teachers/coaches etc.?

* Other adults like neighbors

* Children (younger than you)

* Attractive adult women

Please think carefully, and respond in detail, as to whether you are happy with these relationships, what you get out of them, what you put into them, where you wish they were changed, whether you wish you had more people in your life, or different people in your life. What I will want to see is whether your relationships in general are satisfactory. I've just got this nagging suspicion that this may be where the problem lies. More later, after you have responded.

March 9, 2004

Oi solemate! Here are my answers

* Your parents?

I have a rather good relationship with my parents. Ofcourse, we have our arguments, but who doesn't. Most of the arguments used to be about me being on PC too much, but not anymore. They understand me well and I even go to them with my problems. Sometimes I'm a bit rude to them, like when they are asking how was your day and I don't feel like answering I just ignore them or something, or give really short answers. But I should be very happy with my parents, they are very modern and let me go out whenever I want and stuff.

* Your siblings?

I have no idea what a "sibling" is. I'm guessing Brother/Sister, so I'm just going to answer to that question. I have 1 sister who's 4 years older then me, I have a good relationship with her altough I don't see her very often anymore (she's going to live with her boyfriend)

* Your male friends?

Well, there are 2 types of friends.

Real friends, Best friends: Nothing special here. We have fun, laugh, ...

During the week I only see them at school though, but I go out with them in weekends. During the week we're all behind our boring pc I'm trying to convince them, and myself, to do other things, but I don't have an idea what. And just going by a friend isn't so easy because they live a little bit too far to go with bike. And whenever I go to a friend all we do is sit on PC and stuff. I often get fed up with them talking about PC, since I'm trying to quit everything with PC.

Just mates: With whom I go out too, mostly just guys I know from school. Just mates that is.

[Hmmh, actually, while writing this, i found out I don't really have much friends?]

* Your teachers/coaches etc.?

I don't do sports so coaches is out of the question.

My relationship with teachers is allright, nothing special. I'm not a problem kid or anything. Just normal I never have real arguments with any of them so... (but then again, no real conversations except about the lesson either)

* Other adults like neighbors

I don't really talk to other adults much. I rarely see my neighbours, but when I do and they say something we have a little conversation... like how was your birthday, blabla. Nothing special. And well, except from neighbours I don't really know any adults, except for the parents of friends, and I just say hi to them and have a little bit smalltalk (very small talk, most of the time coming from them, so i just reply)

* Children (younger than you)

I don't know any children

* Attractive adult women

Don't know any attractive adult women either. Maybe friends of my sister, but I don't really talk to them.

while writing this I just found out what an anti-social person I am. Is it really that bad? ouch.

If you wanna know anything else, just ask!

March 10, 2004

Originally posted by SoleMate
I have a question that will seem off-topic, but it's really not, you'll see.

How is your relationship with other people in your life, specifically:

* Your parents?
* Your siblings?
* Your male friends?
* Your teachers/coaches etc.?
* Other adults like neighbors
* Children (younger than you)
* Attractive adult women

solemate, i dont think how girls perceivve tkay would really rely on those. I believe it's the actions you take that make or break a relationship w/a girl.

First off, wtf...u go shopping w/your neighbor, even if she is a friend...that's very unmanly.

when she asks u just say you're busy and got some stuff to do. it's almost like if she wer eto ask you to chill w/her girlfriends. before you know it, you'll be one of the girls and NOT guy material.

the 3 most important rules in keeping a girl interested is:

Unpredictability

Mystery

Challenge

If you keep those 3 in check, you're definitely on a good start.

you ask how do u pull off being unpredictable?? well, have a life....make your friends a priority over her...hang out with them more often. do things that she would not expect you to do. she may have u figured, but if u turn it around by doing something she didnt expect...then that my friend is being unpredictable.

mystery...well dont reveal too much about yourself when you first meet the chick, keep things nice and short. dont tell her a lot, only enough of the pie to keep her coming back for more. dont talk about sissy stuff like your pet this or pet that or your problems. Always have a positive, outgoing, fun attitude whenever and wherever you are...even if she isnt around!

challenge...limit your meetings w/her from 1-2x a week. if she calls u up to do something, say you'd like to but you made other plans. keep yourself as busy as you can with your social life, and future goals. NEVER ever cancel your plans just to be with her. Always remember that friends & family are priority over any girl. dont ever go out of your way to do favors for a girl, they will step on you and take advantage of u, they will see u dont respect yourself if u do this. and that you're not guy material if u listen to her every word. u're the guy, u make her listen to ur words!!

if u do all this, i guarantee you're headed on the right track

March 10, 2004

Originally posted by monkey00
solemate, i dont think how girls perceivve tkay would really rely on those. I believe it's the actions you take that make or break a relationship w/a girl.

She hasn't analyzed it yet, trust her

the 3 most important rules in keeping a girl interested is:

Unpredictability
Mystery
Challenge

You've never read D'Angelo? Or Savage? or the 10,000 other people who write these types of crap?

Honestly, the challenge game might get you laid, but it's a HUGE stretch to say that it keeps a girl interested, if one is after a meaningful relationship ( which is very unmanly ) one should not fear emotional investment.

March 10, 2004

Originally posted by dyermaker

You've never read D'Angelo? Or Savage? or the 10,000 other people who write these types of crap?

Honestly, the challenge game might get you laid, but it's a HUGE stretch to say that it keeps a girl interested, if one is after a meaningful relationship ( which is very unmanly ) one should not fear emotional investment.

you cant call it crap dyermaker unless u've actually put this to the test yourself.

the word Challenge - this is more of a metaphoric term. what i meant is basically just have a life, dont wait home all day long waiting for this girl to call you up to go out w/her or etc. Just live your own life regardless of her. basically DO YOUR OWN THING. You never place a woman first above you, she'll just step over your feelings. AT least place yourself above her where you dont rely on her to solely "have your life moving"

March 10, 2004

First of all 18 isnt that old, two the best way is to talk to as many girls as you can. It is ok to have friends who are girls and never do anything with them.

March 10, 2004

Originally posted by monkey00
the word Challenge - this is more of a metaphoric term.

Just a note, a metaphor is a comparison between two seemingly uncomparable things, without the usual use of 'like' or 'as' (that's a simile)

Additionally, your points are valid, and I'm glad to see you've evidently moved on since your previous relationship (I think?)

But to imply that the challenge game, and I'm quite versed on it, is what contributes to the MAINTAINANCE, that is, the continuation of a relationship also implies that it's devoid of your own investment, to continue the mystery--and that's not the case.

March 10, 2004

Just a quick message to let you know I will respond in detail later. (Thanks for your confidence in me, dyer. I do appreciate it!) Tkay, thanks for responding in such detail. I will post later.

March 10, 2004

Originally posted by Darkangelism
First of all 18 isnt that old, two the best way is to talk to as many girls as you can. It is ok to have friends who are girls and never do anything with them.

yes you're still young you still have infinite opportunities my friend. and meet as many woman out there as you can, just because you get to know one well and think she's date material, doesnt mean you shouldnt get to know others. this will lead to different personalities, and characteristics of different ppl.

yep that's right it's ok to have girl friends and not talk/do anything with them. i have a few of them where i dont really do anything w/them for the longest time. im still friends w/them, but i will hang out w/them less than i do w/my guy buddies.

March 10, 2004

Originally posted by dyermaker
Just a note, a metaphor is a comparison between two seemingly uncomparable things, without the usual use of 'like' or 'as' (that's a simile)

Additionally, your points are valid, and I'm glad to see you've evidently moved on since your previous relationship (I think?)

But to imply that the challenge game, and I'm quite versed on it, is what contributes to the MAINTAINANCE, that is, the continuation of a relationship also implies that it's devoid of your own investment, to continue the mystery--and that's not the case.

i'm glad you still remember your terms correctly from school. my memory has gotten vague.

my points are valid?? i thought you said stuff like this similarly to d'angelo is crap?

huh me? move on from a previous relationship? u got the wrong guy?

hm...well i guess since you put it that way, challenge is the lesser of the 2. but i believe once you have Mystery & Unpredictability, the challenge will follow in their footsteps. but my belief is that these 3 are interlinked one way or another.

March 10, 2004

hm...well i guess since you put it that way, challenge is the lesser of the 2. but i believe once you have Mystery & Unpredictability, the challenge will follow in their footsteps. but my belief is that these 3 are interlinked one way or another.

In the context that you are using them, they all mean the same thing. Avoid investment to maintain an interest level.

Originally posted by monkey00
my points are valid?? i thought you said stuff like this similarly to d'angelo is crap?

Crap is in the eye of the beholder, your points are valid for your paticular intentions, but he stated that he's looking for a *relationship* and a relationship requires investment.

March 10, 2004

Originally posted by dyermaker
In the context that you are using them, they all mean the same thing. Avoid investment to maintain an interest level.

actually the 3 things i listed down, if u actually do end up doing it. A girl's interest level will actually rise. Just look up the scarcity principle dyer. attraction is illogical, and girls want what is hard to obtain. ex: if you were to hang out with a girl and called her up several times to hang out, i think she'd just get grossed out and ignore you, why? cause you're showing desperation. girls hate desperate guys.

Crap is in the eye of the beholder, your points are valid for your paticular intentions, but he stated that he's looking for a *relationship* and a relationship requires investment.

"my" particular intentions?? funny, you sound like you know me.

I agree to a point that investment is worth it for a strong relationship. but if she doesnt like you, then wahts the point? if u try to throw investment into someone that hasnt liked you yet, then that pretty much means being put into the friends zone.

Personally, i think it would be the best idea for TKAY to post his interactions with girls.

POST IT DUDE.

then we'll pinpoint what you're doing wrong, since not everyone here appreciates my advice.

March 10, 2004

OK, here goes.

1) Appearance: As I believe I mentioned several months ago, there is nothing wrong with your appearance. You are on the scrawny/geeky side of the curve, perhaps, but not disturbingly so. Lots of girls like that look. There would be no harm in starting to work out to build muscle, etc. You're fairly attractive. Do make sure to choose clothes that flatter you in both cut and color. You're pale and not overly heavy, so you may want to try dark gray or slate blue shirts instead of black, which is too contrasty. Well-fitting jeans or pants (not so tight they make you look too thin), and try boot cut, perhaps. Contacts and a tan if yoiu are looking for a major makeover!! But fundamentally, I think your efforts should be directed at the interpersonal area.

2)

After feeling how it is to be loved (and love back), to get attention, to give and receive affection... I want it back...I know this sounds rather desperate, but I really need someone in my life to love, and who loves me.

This statement of yours really caught my eye. It is not ideal for all of your love and intimacy needs to be met by your relationship with your SO. SOs come and go, especially when you are young. Also, people who don't have lots of solid non-SO relationships tend to build subpar relationships with SOs, probably based on desperation. I speak from experience on this.

So, I recommend you take a good hard look at who in your life you can get closer to. I recommend starting with your parents, sister, and a few good friends your age. The goal is to build a truly intimate emotional connection, based on sharing feelings and experiences. As an example: have you talked to your mom or dad about your desire for a girlfriend and worries about your lack of success? Ideally, they would listen to your worries, hear you, let you express yourself, and possibly give some advice. You would go away feeling better for at least having explored this issue.

The relationship is reciprocal: you share with them, they share with you. While this happens, you grow closer and feel better. You become more able to find a special girl, or more able to deal with not having one. Bonus: with more intimate friends, you expand your mathematical connectivity to the world of girls.

3) Dark circles under your eyes: Well, I think you're reaching a bit. Pigmentation under your eyes will not interfere with you "getting a girl". Here's the best link I found: http://www.azcentral.com/style/articles/0702darkcircles.html

4) Your shopping buddy is in a two-way relationship with you. You bith need to agree on the terms of how you interact. I agree that shopping with a girl is possibly not the best way to get close to her. Becoming "one of the girls" is not an easy path to SO-hood. If anything, you become the trusty male friend who never seems to want more than just the joy of being near her. If you would like her as an SO, you do need to do something different. Don't be so available for shopping, which is directed by her and has you just tagging along as an accessory. Instead, ask her to do things with you that are joint activities.

5) I don't agree totally with the opinion of "maintain the mystery". Not all girls want to have to chase and compete. But I do agree you should not make yourself available at anyone's beck and call. Next time your friend calls and suggests shopping, say, "I'd like to see you, but I'd rather <go bowling>. Shopping really isn't my thing. Let's meet at 7 at <bowling place>." If she insists on shopping, then say "Well, count me out, then. I'll see you Tuesday, maybe." Now, she is missing her buddy! When you next speak to her, you will know whether she really missed YOU, or just missed having an on-call shopping buddy.

Wow, I'm probably more exhausted than you are. Good luck!

March 10, 2004

Woaw, loads of answers, and I don't have the time to read them all for now.

I've only read something in the 1st reply about me shopping with her -> you shouldn't take this too literally, she just wanted to pick up a certain dress and then grab a burger. Is this so un-manly?

I'm off for 2 days on a school trip. Please don't forget my topic :-) I will reply ASAP! Thanks for all replys!!!!

March 10, 2004

she just wanted to pick up a certain dress and then grab a burger. Is this so un-manly?

No, if she's really just picking something up, and then you have a meal together, we can let you off the hook.

Just don't follow her around from store to store for 3 hours carrying all her bags while she swans past trying on clothes....unless she's trying on lingerie for her to wear when you're together.

March 11, 2004

Hi all! I'm back from the school trip(great fun btw! will post pics l8r )

Originally posted by monkey00

Personally, i think it would be the best idea for TKAY to post his interactions with girls.
POST IT DUDE.
then we'll pinpoint what you're doing wrong, since not everyone here appreciates my advice.

Hmmh, tough question. Some examples.

With my neighbour I have kind of a "hate love" relationship, u know, teasing eachother and stuff. And laughing and stuff. Then my other best female friend is from my class, just laughing and stuff, and like the class trip, walking arm in arm bcos it was cold

Then there were some girls, me and a mate walked by, suddenly a teacher from me says something like "hey these 2 guys want to ask u something" and he runs off

me: errhhh hi ... where u all going tonight? and we went to the same place. didnt really talk alott to them tough, they were typical goodlookingdumbass girls

Well, for the rest.. my interaction with girls. I like to dance, ofcourse preferably with girls, but I rarely approach them myself (maybe I would if I liked them or something)

I don't really interact very much with girls except for my friends and girls from class.. and thats then just laughing and joking. Often I just can't see any reason to talk to a girl (except ofcourse I'm interested in them. But this means really interested, not just hm she looks good. I have a weird taste in looks, and if I see someone with the looks I like I will talk to her, but not if she's just "another good looking girl")

I hope this has made u help understand me

Originally posted by SoleMate
OK, here goes.

1) Appearance: . Contacts and a tan if yoiu are looking for a major makeover!!

>> already have contacts these days :-)

2)
This statement of yours really caught my eye. It is not ideal for all of your love and intimacy needs to be met by your relationship with your SO. SOs come and go, especially when you are young. Also, people who don't have lots of solid non-SO relationships tend to build subpar relationships with SOs, probably based on desperation. I speak from experience on this.

So, I recommend you take a good hard look at who in your life you can get closer to. I recommend starting with your parents, sister, and a few good friends your age. The goal is to build a truly intimate emotional connection, based on sharing feelings and experiences. As an example: have you talked to your mom or dad about your desire for a girlfriend and worries about your lack of success? Ideally, they would listen to your worries, hear you, let you express yourself, and possibly give some advice. You would go away feeling better for at least having explored this issue.

The relationship is reciprocal: you share with them, they share with you. While this happens, you grow closer and feel better. You become more able to find a special girl, or more able to deal with not having one. Bonus: with more intimate friends, you expand your mathematical connectivity to the world of girls.

>>Hmh. I do get love affection and everything else from my friends parents family. But just not the kind of love I want. I'm talking about walking hand in hand, being happy with just looking in eachothers eyes, having your arm around her in the cinema, ... just being in love!

5) I don't agree totally with the opinion of "maintain the mystery". Not all girls want to have to chase and compete. But I do agree you should not make yourself available at anyone's beck and call. Next time your friend calls and suggests shopping, say, "I'd like to see you, but I'd rather <go bowling>. Shopping really isn't my thing. Let's meet at 7 at <bowling place>." If she insists on shopping, then say "Well, count me out, then. I'll see you Tuesday, maybe." Now, she is missing her buddy! When you next speak to her, you will know whether she really missed YOU, or just missed having an on-call shopping buddy.

>>About ur 1st sentence. I agree actually. I'd like to be with my girlfriend all the time, call her and stuff. Is this so strange? Ofcourse if that's what it takes to have a girlfriend.. :-/

March 20, 2004

Don't forget about me

Strangest thing happened yesterday. A girl I know seems to be interested in me, she kept giving hints that she wanted to kiss me, almost tried, but I didnt do it (just bcos i'm not attracted to her, no feelings nor appearance)

So that means I'm not as desperate as I tought I was ?

Going to awesome party tonight, there will be alott of girls I "kind of" know, who knows

March 22, 2004

For the dark circles under your eyes, if they are caused by lack of sleep, try a hemmoroid cream on them. I know it sounds disgusting, but hemmoroid cream constricts blood vessels, and will work on the veins under the eyes. just be sure to try it out at home first to make sure you do not have an allergic reaction or irritation, and don't get it in your eye!!!

March 24, 2004

and up ye go mr. topic! ;-)

been "flirting" again with my ex btw. I had totally forgotten her, suddenly she sends me a SMS saying hi whats up i kinda miss u

since then i cant stop thinking about her again. she acts kind of weird sometimes. I think we would make a good couple if i wouldnt be such a boring person. damn, i should really do sports i guess there should be a girl that likes me like i am huh.

I'm again feeling kind of sad, for no real reason. Again I kind of miss the feeling of being in love I guess.

March 25, 2004

Stop being so self-defeating, if anything makes you less attractice, it's your low self esteem, not your dark circles or your athletic ability (or lack thereof).

March 26, 2004

Weird stuff happening.

- Added really good looking girl to msn. She said something like hey we should meet sometime.. me: yeh sure let's go to the movies or something sometime!

- My ex suddenly came to me in school... and didn't leave my side. She asked me to come to a party. Also said some nice things to me on MSN. I said I'm going to that party tonight.. she was like oh then im going there too. But suddenly I don't like her anymore.

- Some girl i've been having fun with,but whom i'm not attracted to, just told me 'hey im coming to that party too. I have to talk to you. In person. BTW I just broke up with my boyfriend. Hmm wonder what she's going to say.. lol

- Girl from my class suddenly started acting "weird" to me. Like hey!!! u coming tonight?? pleaassee u gotta come! and like last week she had to go and she said damn i would like to stay longer with u

Am I becoming somekind of girl-magnet? lol ! Could be seeing ghosts though.

March 27, 2004

Yes, you are now a girl-magnet.

Use your power wisely, and wipe that huge grin off your face!!

March 28, 2004

Oy. Girl-magnet, I never did get this term. Could be that you've suddenly and mystically started becoming attractive to the female population. Or maybe without realizing it you've become more confident in yourself, which a lot of women will take notice of. Just make sure they're seeing you, not some hyped up version of you, because if you do attract a girl to you seriously, and to her you don't seem as you really are, that sets you up for problems.

Also, you're only 18. You've plenty of time left for love and/or lust, trust me.

March 28, 2004

Originally posted by Nim
Oy. Girl-magnet, I never did get this term. Could be that you've suddenly and mystically started becoming attractive to the female population. Or maybe without realizing it you've become more confident in yourself, which a lot of women will take notice of. Just make sure they're seeing you, not some hyped up version of you, because if you do attract a girl to you seriously, and to her you don't seem as you really are, that sets you up for problems.

Also, you're only 18. You've plenty of time left for love and/or lust, trust me.

Since my 'extreme-makeover' (contacts & new haircut ) I've gotten more attention from girls, so that has helped too. Also the confidence thing, I've never had a real low selfesteem, but I'm just becoming more outgoing. But this is the problem. When I'm certain people like some friends from my class I'm rather '' cool ''.. u know, having fun all the time, laughing, etc. But in reality, I'm not like that, I'm more of a quiet, boring type. So, Once they get to know me better they loose interest. Guess I just haven't met the right girl for me?

I'm kind of fed up with girls at the moment, not sure why.

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4 Q's (Want girlfriend; Keep girls interested; friend-> relationship?; Appearance)

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