klind1970 Posted March 9, 2004 Share Posted March 9, 2004 Hey guys, I had posted a thread on the infidelity page about my wife being in love with someone else. The other man has no idea about this love she has for him. I am really stuck between a rock and a hard place. I really do love her but she feels totally the opposite. I asked her this morning if she ever thought that she would have feelings for me again and her answer was that sometime down the road that she may be content enough just to let the relationship go on as is. Which is me suffering and sleeping in the spare bedroom. I have totally changed my life around for this woman. I go to counseling with her, I got medical attention for my depression, I started going to church, I became more involved in my children's lives. I mean what else is there for me to do!!!!! I am beyond frustrated. If not for our present financial situation, I feel like I need to leave her. I cannot keep trying to fix my own problems and hope in six months that she might have some feelings for me again. I am in desperate need of attention, love, affection, sex, etc ...... I have been incredibly patient with her, and she knows it, hell her whole family knows and agrees with me. I just feel bad about the kids, they are both going through a bad time now themselves and I think that this might make things worse. What does everyone else think? Link to post Share on other sites
gaia Posted March 9, 2004 Share Posted March 9, 2004 It's always difficult when kids are involved. If it weren't for them, there would be no question that you have to get out, before your self-esteem gets any lower. The question is, will a break-up affect them any worse than seeing their father beaten down by an emotionally abusive relationship. Doesn't your wife care about the effect on the kids? Seems to me she's taking absolutely no responsibility for this at all. Would she even consider going to marriage counselling ? (I fear I may already know the answer...) Link to post Share on other sites
sherell Posted March 9, 2004 Share Posted March 9, 2004 It seems to me the best solution would be if you leave for a while, but as you stated your financial situation does not allow for that right now. I understand how horrible frustrating this must be for you. If you have to stay in the house, then I would suggest back off your wife for awhile. Just do what is neccesary, for yourself & kids, give her space, tell her you are there if she needs support, but she has to figure what she wants on her own. Try to focus on other things that make you happy, while you are dealing with the emotional turmoil that is going at home.I hope things turn around for you. I am also going through a mess, though my H is out of the house, which makes it a little calmer. good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author klind1970 Posted March 10, 2004 Author Share Posted March 10, 2004 Thanks for the advice guys. I am still torn about what to do about our situation. I moved all of my things out of our bedroom tonight. I am going ot try and give her the space she seems to need. I will just be there if she needs me. I of course will continue building my relationship with my two children. They are the only thing that is important now!!! I just can't take the hurt anymore from her. For her to just sit there and smile at me when I am pouring out my feelings towards her and then just reply she doesn't feel anything for me right now. I literally have an anxiety attack everytime I am around her. I love her so much it is killing me inside and out. I am especially alone, because besides talking to you guys I really have no one to talk to about my situation.. We have the marriage counselor that we both see, but that is only once every week. I need someone else to confide my true feelings to...... I am very close to my wife's family, but every time I talk to them about our problems they attack her, saying that she is wrong for doing this to me.. I just don't know what to do. I have so much to express, which I am doing right here. I am need some personal one on one interaction with someone close to me. Is it a bad idea to talk further with my wife's family? I don't know!!!! But for know, I am just going to let her be and try and concentrate on my own well being as well as the children's..... Link to post Share on other sites
sherell Posted March 10, 2004 Share Posted March 10, 2004 As close as you are to her family, please remember it is HER family and blood is thicker than water even if they are on your side for now. Try to find your own therapist to talk to, maybe you can speak with the marriage counselor on your own or they can recommend someone. Having someone to talk to is very important, even if they cant give you answers right now, you need to vent. Keep posting and if you want you can send me a pm. all the best Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted March 10, 2004 Share Posted March 10, 2004 But for know, I am just going to let her be and try and concentrate on my own well being as well as the children's..... Sounds like you're doing everything you can do without actually leaving. While not going through the details of my own experiences being married (many have been posted) and finding it something of a purgatory much of the time, I will say we seem to have much in common. Balancing your wish to escape your wife, with your wish to fulfill your responsabilities as a father is tough. There is one area in which we seem to differ: I have also freely admitted that I haven't been the perfect husband. Now, this revelation did not result in a lot of sympathy, nor was it designed to. It did give a more realistic picture of the situation. It has been this most factual examination that has resulted in the greatest gains in my own understanding of our marriage and my wife's behavior. Anyway, you haven't been perfect, but no one is. I'm not saying this to critisize, or to bore through stating obvious facts, but more to reinforce the opinion based on you post that you seem to have left something out. This is "confiding your true feelings." With relatives it sounds like you've preached to the choir. For some unknown reason, confidence isn't possible during therapy sessions. Hang in there dude. I've always comforted myself by considering the alternative. Since we're not millionaires, easily disposing of our marriages through divorce will leave us able to afford little more than cardboard boxes to live in after paying child support. This practicle image helped me sleep many a night alone in the nice warm guest room equipped with my own cable TV. Link to post Share on other sites
gaia Posted March 10, 2004 Share Posted March 10, 2004 Sorry - have just realised that I missed the fact that you are already in counselling. How does she react when she's challenged about how she is making you feel when you are talking with your therapist? The image of you pouring your heart out while she just smiles at you sounds almost like deliberate cruelty. If you can't physically leave, you need to emotionally distance yourself for self-preservation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author klind1970 Posted March 10, 2004 Author Share Posted March 10, 2004 I think your right gaia, but unfortunately we have not both been to the counselor together in some time. It either works out that she goes or I go, but not together in about 3 months. I am hoping that she will go with me to the next appointment. My therapist says that we communicate better as a couple than any other couple with trouble she has ever seen. If there is one good thing about our relationship, it is that we are brutally honest with each other. It really hurts my feelings when I hear some of the things she says. I have to sit there and listen to her talk about how in love she is with another man. Last night she told me that I was acting childish because I moved all of my things out of our bedroom. I just thought I was giving her the space she wants. Every time I think I'm doing the right thing, it is thrown back in my face as wrong. Am I wrong for trying to salvage a marriage that I want to work out? I am going to talk to her mother this morning about things. I want a womens perspective on the situation. I know that she will be honest with me about what I should do. I have somehow lost my wifes trust and I need to figure out how to get it back..... I will post this afternoon to let you guys know how it went with her....... Link to post Share on other sites
gaia Posted March 10, 2004 Share Posted March 10, 2004 It's interesting that your therapist thinks you communicate so well, when you say you haven't been present in the same session for 3 months! I can see how brutal honesty can be seen as good communication, but there is more, IMO, to communicating than telling the other person what is on your mind. Communication is a two way process and it seems like your wife is not picking up on how much she's hurting you. I feel for you. You seem like a decent bloke doing all he can to rescue a marriage for everyone's sake. Your wife should post instead! Let us know how this afternoon went/goes - getting mixed up here with the time differences. Link to post Share on other sites
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