Yogi friend behaving like a jerk

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I've been practicing yoga for about 10 years now, and only really dedicated myself to my practice maybe about 2 years ago. While the concepts were nothing new, my impression was that the instructors were in some ways supposed to lead by example.

 

I know we're all human and people make mistakes and the yogic world is rife with stories of instructors and teachers abusing their priviledges, even typing in "Yogis behaving badly" in Google will bring up quite a few interesting articles.

 

This is my question: When someone is passing themselves off as a yogi or guru or even someone who comes off as taking their spirituality seriously, yet at some point expose themselves as using yoga and spirituality for much more earthly pursuits and passions (and not in a good way), what is one to do? There hasn't been any harassment, there hasn't been anything illegal but in my case the person exposed themselves to me as violent, duplicitious, a manipulator and exploiter and a very, very convincing talker and presenter. I'm the only one who experienced it and from what I can understand, there are many others in his past he has really angered also. As far as everyone else is concerned, he's still that swell, cool guy I thought I knew.

 

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to harm anyone or anything but I'm just not sure if this is kosher behaviour?

 

He never hit me directly or anything, but everytime we'd go out with some other folks, he's always, and I mean ALWAYS, getting into fights and brawls. I pointed out to him that you don't have to resort to violence to make a point, but he never listens. Yet in the yoga studio, he gives off a totally different impression, he's quoting Eckhart Tolle and Deepak Chopra etc.

 

I should add that once while on holiday, I heard from someone in the group that he was at the other end of the beach and completely drunk, that he and a friend had put away three cases between them and still going on. I went to see if he was alright since I know he doesn't hold his liquor well. Well, I was right, he was turning green at the gills and ended up getting sick. While he was recovering, I was rubbing his back to make him feel better, it was nothing romantic, just as a concerned friend. He yelled at me and kept asking me why I was rubbing his back, he took my hand and slammed it on the counter and walked off and started chatting up some girl at the bar. He did a few other things that same night which aren't worth mentioning which were not cool or normal. Which is fine, but is this how you treat a friend?

 

This person, who we shall call "Ed", turns out to have even worse issues than those I wrote about, that was just the tip of the iceberg. It turned out that Ed and his ex-girlfriend "Sara" (another yoga instructor who is just as disturbed, I think) must have pissed off someone mightily with their shenanigans because a few months later, some Russian hackers broke into the email accounts and posted up the choicest emails on a fake Russian blog and the real story of the persons behind the masks of "Spiritual Yoga Instructors" came tumbling out in the worst way imaginable. Sex and love addiction, alcoholism, depression, misogyny, mental and emotional abuse, obsession, immaturity, name calling, and infidelity - all was there for the world to see before the blog was finally and mercifully yanked down.

 

I did my best during my friendship with Ed to show him that life doesn't have to be so hard, that by accepting our own faults we can be more compassionate to others and their faults, but compassion doesn't mean that there has to be an absence of respect for the self and for others. When I realized there was no respect, that's when I bolted. I honestly wish that Ed and Sara both get the help they both need, but Ed is extremely arrogant and will never admit he's wrong, that "holier than thou" attitude . Sara would rather just pretend that there is no problem. Both are still teaching, both are very, very popular instructors and known in the local yogic community. They are both very good at showcasing and putting on an act and no doubt find others who don't wantto see the other side of their personalities.

 

Ed is someone who could use a friend and I was that person for about a year, the shoulder he cried on, the one who helped him out when he needed it, the person he spoke to when he needed a sympathetic ear. Does that mean when this person turns against me on a dime and disrespects me, I still have to be there for him?

I don't think so. You speak the truth and you let them know that what they did was wrong and disrespectful. Maybe they'll think about it, maybe they won't, that's their choice, just as it's mine whether I'm going to accept someone's abusive behaviour or not in my life. For the record, during my friendship with Ed, I never saw him hurt anyone until towards the end, when I picked up the pattern finally, the mask was coming off and when he finally decided I was an enemy too for taking him to task and letting him know that what he's doing is not cool.

 

Don't yoga instructors and the like have certain responsibilities and as I mentioned originally, to lead by example? I don't care if you're a yoga instructor, a Sufi dervish, a Catholic nun, a Navajo Elder or a Buddhist renunciate. These are all spiritual practices and whether you want to admit it or not, speaking and living from a place of deep spiritualism always involves some form of authority. People watch and listen.

 

I don't expect any yoga instructor to solve my problems or anything based my projections or otherwise. I'm the only who can do that work and I'm the only one who can work things out on my path, that's my responsibility but I'll listen to others and what they have to say or offer and use what might help me along my path. I'm the only one who can discern this. But I have serious reservations about anyone who uses either yoga or any other form of spiritual practice as a carte blanche to do as they wish and justify their hurtful, destructive words and actions whether it's against me, someone else or any living being.

 

This is what I don't understand and what it boils down to: Why are there so many people in the yoga community who seem to think that just because they can do a perfect handstand or full lotus pose or sundancer pose or have a perfect body, that somehow that will take care of the mental and emotional abuse they probably experienced in childhood or something and still has yet to be healed or looked after?

Isn't yoga supposed to be complementary to the process but not the process and solution itself?

 

What do y'all think?

[denise_xo]

This is my question: When someone is passing themselves off as a yogi or guru or even someone who comes off as taking their spirituality seriously, yet at some point expose themselves as using yoga and spirituality for much more earthly pursuits and passions (and not in a good way), what is one to do?

 

I think you're overanalysing this from a 'spiritual practice' point of view, the issues you're talking about here are human. There are @ssholes everywhere and in every vocation there are people who don't behave professionally. Every type of job has some code of ethics and of behaviour that is to be adhered to. When you meet a yoga instructor who doesn't behave according to that set of expectations, either address it with him/her directly or with the institute that organises the classes, just as you would if you were reacting to the professionality of a dentist or a policeman. It doesn't really matter if he's called a yogi or not. I see the irony of it, of course, but the fact is that these spiritual practices attract a lot of people who wish to cover up their own inadequacies and insecurities by taking on a different label and identity, which of course goes against the core of such teachings. So if anything, you have to be even more careful when meeting those kind of practitioners, especially since the yoga/mediation/sufi whatever field isn't exactly well regulated according to a common set of standards. I'm not saying this to trash those kinds of activities, I practice yoga and mediation of various kinds myself, but this is just the reality of the field, I think. In terms of this guy, report his behaviour if you can and then just move on and find another (and better) role model.

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I didn't have to report him at all. That fake blog was damning enough that he got booted out of one studio and is on tenderhooks at the second. Like i said before, sex and love addiction, alcoholism, depression, misogyny, mental and emotional abuse, obsession, immaturity, name calling, and infidelity - all was there for the world to see before the blog was finally and mercifully yanked down. But he's a very good showcaser, and he's got enough people convinced of his "inherent goodness" that they're willing to believe him. I ended the friendship months ago.

 

I know exactly what you mean denise_xo, I get that you're not trash talking these disciplines, but I think this is one of the biggest problems, not only in yoga, but other forms of spirituality and religion, people using these arts or practices either for sex or money or fuel their other bad habits.