Wife selfish in bed, no sex life.

[wezol]

I'm sorry if this is in the wrong forum, but it's not a hugely sexual thread...but...

 

Wife and I have been together for 5 years, I'm in the military so I have been gone nearly half of that time. We have been married though for just over a year.

 

To get to the point, I feel she is selfish in bed and I don't know what to do about it. It has pretty much been this way a few years before we got married, but I always thought it would change. When we first got together, it was great, she was awesome. Although she was a virgin, and I have been her only one (maybe thats the problem?), she was a quick learner.

 

The deal now though, is she never initiates sex! Well, maybe once every 4 months, but when we only have sex 2-3 times a month....

 

So, here it goes, and please bare with me.

 

She does not like me using my fingers, nor my tounge down there. Reason for not going down on here is because "she likes to be able to kiss me but doesn't like kissing me after I've gone down on her". As to why she doesn't like me using my fingers, she says it stings...used to do it to her all the time with great results....

 

She hasn't returned any favors in well over 2 years. It's been almost 3 since she has gone down on me, and I've always had to ask for it during. Even then, she doesn't like it. Says she doesn't like the taste of the pre-ejaculate. When we first got together, for the 1st year or so she would use her hand and got great at it. Hasn't done that in well over 2 years.

 

We now have a routine....I come on to her, she says no. I try a few more times over the next week and she goes with it. It's hit and miss. It's missionary 80% of the time, and most of the time I don't even get to finish inside her as she starts to hurt or gets too sensitve after I've made her orgasm multiple times. That leads to her teasing me while I finish myself, with my own hand, she hasn't offered to finish me in a long time...

 

I've put up with it for a long time now, and I've talked to her about it. She admits that she could do more and sound sincere, but actions speak louder than words. I don't know what to do.

 

In her defense, in the past 6 months I've gained about 15-20 lbs. I'm not FAT, but a little chunky. 5'8" at 175 lbs, I'm waiting on an MRI before I begine to work out heavily agian.

 

She has told me to not come on to her as much, and maybe that would help. I tried that, went weeks, it didn't help. I am VERY MUCH attracted to my wife and it is VERY hard for me to keep my hands off her, especially after a few days.

 

What should I do? I'm afraid she may be taking advantage of the fact that I won't cheat, and she knows that. I'm also scared that our sex life is this bad only a year into the marriage.

 

BTW, I am 24 she is 23, we should be doing it like rabbits!

[Star Gazer]

If your fingers are stinging her, you're probably being way too aggressive.

 

She doesn't sound selfish, so much as disinterested.

 

Your sex life is a reflection of your relationship, IMO. How's everything in your marriage, besides the sex issue??

[wezol]

As with the stinging issue, I have tried to be as gentle as I could. Was going so far as making sure my nails were clipped and filed, and no hangnails/rough ends on fingers. I haven't gotten to do that though in some time...

 

In other aspects of the relationship, well...I love her, but have stopped putting up with alot of things. Alot of it dealing with lack of sex, lack of attention, taking advantage of the things I do around the home. She graduated college, works full time. I am in school still, but work 2 part time jobs as well. At the home, we have horses/dogs. We had a discussion a while back that I didn't do anything (even though I did). So now I started doing more, well it's at the point where I do alot (dishes, sweeping, feeding, cleaning stalls, making bed, ect.) without so much as a thank you or any kind of appreciation. I originally thought that my lack of doing things around the home led to an emotional disconnect with her, resulting in a lack of attraction to me. I have tried to fix that so to speak, but it hasn't changed much of anything. Here in the last few days, things have evened out as far as chores go, and she tries to be more appreciative, and in return I am much more happy to do things for her. It's the little things I do that if I asked she throws a fit or I just dont bother to ask (getting a drink for her/me, fixing dinner, bringing a plate ect)

 

Anyway, kind of ranting...

 

I have been going to the VA for medical issues, and have been getting help for mental problems as well as I only sleep a few hrs a night. I told her a long time ago if those kinds of problems ever started to affect our marriage I would seek help, and I am now.

 

I'm not trying to sound like I'm perfect, FAR from it. I have my anger moments (non-physical), and she knows where they stem from. She has been my rock when it comes to being there for me during my bad times.

 

She is a great woman, really is, I want to fix this.

 

Disinterested sounds like a much more sutable word, although I feel like I'm the aggressor in the bedroom in all aspects, and I feel like it's just a chore for her.

[TiredSue]

Whether it's fair or not, she probably feels like your mother right now. Trust me when I say that is the ultimate unsexy position for a woman to be in. Have you read His Needs Her Needs? Great book to read together.

 

Also, some women DO become too sensitive after having an O. Maybe you need to work on your timing, so that it happens closer to the same time for the both of you.

[wezol]

Whether it's fair or not, she probably feels like your mother right now. Trust me when I say that is the ultimate unsexy position for a woman to be in. Have you read His Needs Her Needs? Great book to read together.

 

Also, some women DO become too sensitive after having an O. Maybe you need to work on your timing, so that it happens closer to the same time for the both of you.

 

How would she feel like my mother? I started taking care of most everything around the house (or did until I spoke up).

 

If you're refering to bring me things (a dish, drink, ect), she doesnt. I do that for her. I will come home from work and school, and I will clean the kitchen, then make dinner, then make her a plate....just an example. If I sit down after making dinner to eat and were to ask her if she would get me a drink while she is up, she makes a fuss. That is just an example, it's not the be all end all, just off the top of my head.

 

As for the timing deal, if I take too long she starts to hurt. I would rather her get off than no one. That is also the problem that is bugging me, or part of. She dries up, and it starts to hurt, I understand that and I will stop when I sense she is hurting. On the same token though, I KNOW when she is really into it because she doesn't dry up, if that makes sense. I know that when we initially start, by the feel of her, if she is actually "into it" or just going with the flow. Most of the time its going with the flow because I can "feel" that her body doesn't want it, and I feel like a rapist...I dunno if that makes any sense without getting too graphic.

 

When it comes down to it, I know when she is and isn't into sex, and she rarely is into it. She has become disinterested. I have tried talking to her, although I may be going about it wrong, I'm not sure. I want her to be satisfied, and I know she isn't, and I am sure most of that is my own doing?

[FanFan]

 

What should I do? I'm afraid she may be taking advantage of the fact that I won't cheat, and she knows that. I'm also scared that our sex life is this bad only a year into the marriage.

 

BTW, I am 24 she is 23, we should be doing it like rabbits!

 

Why won't you cheat? (I am not disagreeing, just asking).

[TiredSue]

I'm referring to your respective work situations. If she is making most of the money, eventually that is going to become an issue, I don't care how enlightened she is. After a while that can grate and make her see you as less of a man. I know that's politically incorrect to say, but it's also true. But I don't know if that's your situation or not. And you did say that for a while that was a big issue - that she felt like she was doing everything and you were doing nothing. It may have affected how she sees you. I'm just offering a thought, I don't know if it's true.

 

You said initially that she starts to get too sensitive after she's Od several times. That's what I'm saying. Shoot for making her O ONCE and you at the same time. If you're trying for a marathon every single time, no wonder she's dreading it.

[wezol]

I won't cheat because I couldn't do that to her, and I couldn't handle seeing what it would do our marriage. It's wrong, immorale, and selfish.

 

I'm referring to your respective work situations. If she is making most of the money, eventually that is going to become an issue, I don't care how enlightened she is. After a while that can grate and make her see you as less of a man. I know that's politically incorrect to say, but it's also true. But I don't know if that's your situation or not. And you did say that for a while that was a big issue - that she felt like she was doing everything and you were doing nothing. It may have affected how she sees you. I'm just offering a thought, I don't know if it's true.

 

You said initially that she starts to get too sensitive after she's Od several times. That's what I'm saying. Shoot for making her O ONCE and you at the same time. If you're trying for a marathon every single time, no wonder she's dreading it.

 

Good points, although I never get to go for a marathon, I usually end up stopping about 5 minutes in because she starts to hurt, because she is not wet...which is something I'm doing wrong.

 

I make most of the money. I work 7 days a week, go to school full time, and with the education benefits from the military, I make roughly 60% of our income. I've always made more since we have been together. To be honest, if she made more than me, I wouldn't care! Thats just more money for us to put back into retirement, invest, save, ect.

 

I'm thinking of trying to surprise her with a trip to a local B&B I took her too a few years ago. I feel I need to do be doing something to spice up our life a little more?

 

She acts happy, is fun to be around, we get along good, don't have alot of issues really. It could always be worse...

[EnigmasMuse]

" She acts happy, is fun to be around, we get along good, don't have alot of issues really. It could always be worse."

 

I think thats a really good outlook on things. You're right it could be worse, although I understand you wish she were a little more interested. Hopefully the B&B you were talking about will help.

[Mr. Lucky]

Good points, although I never get to go for a marathon, I usually end up stopping about 5 minutes in because she starts to hurt, because she is not wet...which is something I'm doing wrong.

Do you use any kind of lube? My wife kids sometimes that it saved our marriage . She says that it allows her to enjoy the sensation without worrying about dryness. Nothing worse from a male standpoint than always wondering if your partner's uncomfortable...

 

Mr. Lucky

[wezol]

I've been doing alot of thinking today, trying to put thoughts into words.

 

I think part of the problem is I've been commiting counter productive actions, which I realized after reading around some.

 

Since this all started, I have been getting more and more pushy with sex. The less I get it, the more I want it. As I said, on top of that I cannot keep my hands off her. She is gorgous, has a rockin body, and is the love of my life. Some of the things I have been doing, have been the wrong thing. Example, I like to hug and kiss her. So in the past, I have been hugging her, then trying to move it futher...and getting rejected. Now, when I go to just hug her (just a hug), she thinks I'm going to try and have sex and kind of just sighs and puts her arms down. The more I want it, the less she wants it, which coincides with alot of issues other men are having on the site.

 

I have been debating/rationalizing this all day. Only way I see to try and correct this is to try and NOT have sex with her, play "hard to get" so to speak. Problem I have with this, is to me thats playing games, and I'm past that point in my life. I say what I mean and mean what I say, I don't play games; but maybe I need to?

 

Thoughts?

[waynebrady]

When men tell about their wife having little to no intrest in sex then women will ALWAYS try to twist it like it's your fault, no matter what. You only need to look at the replys here... But here's how it is, I'm not gonna say all but defenitley alot of women are like your wife, in that they have little intrest of having sex and don't want to do anything other than missionary. Tons of men are in your situation. No matter what the women will tell you here it probably isn't your fault that your wife is the way she is.

[waynebrady]

I have been debating/rationalizing this all day. Only way I see to try and correct this is to try and NOT have sex with her, play "hard to get" so to speak. Problem I have with this, is to me thats playing games, and I'm past that point in my life. I say what I mean and mean what I say, I don't play games; but maybe I need to?

 

Thoughts?

 

It's not playing games. She obviously has no intrest of having sex so no offence when I say this but you will probably be doing her a favor by not approaching her for sex. Alot of women are like your wife, it has nothing to do with you, women can't help it that they have virtually no sex drive.

[musemaj11]

5'8 and 175lbs is kinda fat dude.

 

Lose 20lbs and get a bit ripped.

 

Personality creates emotional attraction, but looks are what create sexual attraction. Just try it if you dont believe me.

Edited November 21, 2010 by musemaj11

[wezol]

5'8 and 175lbs is kinda fat dude.

 

Lose 20lbs and get a bit ripped.

 

Personality creates emotional attraction, but looks are what create sexual attraction. Just try it if you dont believe me.

 

Yeah, I know. I guess what I meant was, I'm not increadibly fat. I don't have massive love handles and what not. I am working on losing weight and getting back to where I should/used to be. I had a plate put in my clavical, and broke the other arm, so I was out for a while. Doctors think I have bulging disks that are pinching off nerves. Basically, I have pain/headaches 24/7. I did start running a little more, and do some basic uper body excercises but can only do so much. It's frustrating....

 

Thing is though, I only gained the extra weight over the past 7-8 months. The no sex thing started long before then.

[musemaj11]

Yeah, I know. I guess what I meant was, I'm not increadibly fat. I don't have massive love handles and what not. I am working on losing weight and getting back to where I should/used to be. I had a plate put in my clavical, and broke the other arm, so I was out for a while. Doctors think I have bulging disks that are pinching off nerves. Basically, I have pain/headaches 24/7. I did start running a little more, and do some basic uper body excercises but can only do so much. It's frustrating....

 

Thing is though, I only gained the extra weight over the past 7-8 months. The no sex thing started long before then.

If your body isnt ready for hard exercise, then dont force yourself man.

 

And I think in your case, it seems that your wife had a conservative upbringing. If thats the case then Im afraid it may never change bro.

 

For example I grew up in another country and I also had a conservative religious upbringing. Now Im in my mid 20s and after living here for over a decade, I still think french kissing is disgusting ...

[KraftDinner]

My ex gained a lot of weight and I stopped being attracted to him. I still loved him but he physically turned me off, and truth be told that was it for me -- once he lost the weight again, I couldn't go back to seeing him in a sexual way.

 

But he gained WAY more than you did. He gained like 80 pounds! He was HUGE. He got up to 310 pounds (he was 6'2" or 6'3"). And couldn't understand why our sex life died.

 

He's one of those guys who thinks it doesn't matter what the man looks like cuz women don't care -- B.S. to that.

 

But again, OP, you are not fat like he was.

[Spiritgirl]

Your weight isnt the issue and trust me, you are NOT fat. THe issue goes further than attraction, particularly since you are clear that it started way before you gained any weight. Sexual issues usually start outside the bedroom and its the weirdest thing that couples who can talk about almost anything, have difficulty in this area. Hopefully your military benefits would cover some marriage counseling. Sometimes it takes an objective and experienced professional to help the communication. It sounds like you are really trying and your wife is lucky to have a husband who is so into her. Get some input from a therapist and in meantime back off a bit. Its not playing games to stop initiating sex when you know she isnt into it. If you feel like you need to, you can tell her that you are still very interested in her sexually but since it bothers her that you have made advances too often, you are backing off and leaving it up to her to initiate. Without anger or guilt. Just put it simply. Also ask her to go with you to couples counseling while you are keeping your part of the bargain.

[KraftDinner]

Its not playing games to stop initiating sex when you know she isnt into it.

 

Agreed, 100%.

[Mr. Lucky]

Lose 20lbs and get a bit ripped.

Funny that women complaining about the lack of romance in their relationships aren't told that the problem is them or their appearance. If only supermodel spouses are deserving of sex than we're all in trouble...

 

Mr. Lucky

[hoping2heal]

I'm sorry if this is in the wrong forum, but it's not a hugely sexual thread...but...

 

Wife and I have been together for 5 years, I'm in the military so I have been gone nearly half of that time. We have been married though for just over a year.

 

To get to the point, I feel she is selfish in bed and I don't know what to do about it. It has pretty much been this way a few years before we got married, but I always thought it would change. When we first got together, it was great, she was awesome. Although she was a virgin, and I have been her only one (maybe thats the problem?), she was a quick learner.

 

The deal now though, is she never initiates sex! Well, maybe once every 4 months, but when we only have sex 2-3 times a month....

 

So, here it goes, and please bare with me.

 

She does not like me using my fingers, nor my tounge down there. Reason for not going down on here is because "she likes to be able to kiss me but doesn't like kissing me after I've gone down on her". As to why she doesn't like me using my fingers, she says it stings...used to do it to her all the time with great results....

 

She hasn't returned any favors in well over 2 years. It's been almost 3 since she has gone down on me, and I've always had to ask for it during. Even then, she doesn't like it. Says she doesn't like the taste of the pre-ejaculate. When we first got together, for the 1st year or so she would use her hand and got great at it. Hasn't done that in well over 2 years.

 

We now have a routine....I come on to her, she says no. I try a few more times over the next week and she goes with it. It's hit and miss. It's missionary 80% of the time, and most of the time I don't even get to finish inside her as she starts to hurt or gets too sensitve after I've made her orgasm multiple times. That leads to her teasing me while I finish myself, with my own hand, she hasn't offered to finish me in a long time...

 

I've put up with it for a long time now, and I've talked to her about it. She admits that she could do more and sound sincere, but actions speak louder than words. I don't know what to do.

 

In her defense, in the past 6 months I've gained about 15-20 lbs. I'm not FAT, but a little chunky. 5'8" at 175 lbs, I'm waiting on an MRI before I begine to work out heavily agian.

 

She has told me to not come on to her as much, and maybe that would help. I tried that, went weeks, it didn't help. I am VERY MUCH attracted to my wife and it is VERY hard for me to keep my hands off her, especially after a few days.

 

What should I do? I'm afraid she may be taking advantage of the fact that I won't cheat, and she knows that. I'm also scared that our sex life is this bad only a year into the marriage.

 

BTW, I am 24 she is 23, we should be doing it like rabbits!

 

Considering the age range of you both, and the past experiences. It sounds to me like the bad sex life is a symptom of the real problem which is likely to be emotional or mental. What is your relationship like outside of sex? What is the emotional connection like, on both sides?

[hoping2heal]

As with the stinging issue, I have tried to be as gentle as I could. Was going so far as making sure my nails were clipped and filed, and no hangnails/rough ends on fingers. I haven't gotten to do that though in some time...

 

In other aspects of the relationship, well...I love her, but have stopped putting up with alot of things. Alot of it dealing with lack of sex, lack of attention, taking advantage of the things I do around the home. She graduated college, works full time. I am in school still, but work 2 part time jobs as well. At the home, we have horses/dogs. We had a discussion a while back that I didn't do anything (even though I did). So now I started doing more, well it's at the point where I do alot (dishes, sweeping, feeding, cleaning stalls, making bed, ect.) without so much as a thank you or any kind of appreciation.

 

This tells me she has checked out of the relationship. Relationships go in phases where they either grow or stay stagnant, and in the case of the latter begin to wilt. While I am sure it cannot feel great to put in all of that effort and get any acknowledgement, the fact that she doesn't seem to notice or think to thankyou tells me she is not thinking about your feelings at all, likely because at this point she has lost care for them. It is very difficult for a woman to be sexual with a man when the emotional connection is not there. Even if it is "consensual" we have to "force ourselves" to be sexual and "get it over with"

 

I originally thought that my lack of doing things around the home led to an emotional disconnect with her, resulting in a lack of attraction to me. I have tried to fix that so to speak, but it hasn't changed much of anything. Here in the last few days, things have evened out as far as chores go, and she tries to be more appreciative, and in return I am much more happy to do things for her. It's the little things I do that if I asked she throws a fit or I just dont bother to ask (getting a drink for her/me, fixing dinner, bringing a plate ect)

 

I think it might be a good time to get some honest conversation flowing between the two of you. Not about sex, because as far as I can tell sex is the least of problems in your relationship right now. Talk to her and see if she is interested in working on your relationship and rebuilding that emotional connection again, or not. A relationship needs to be on both ends to be healthy and thriving and all of the feelings you have for her, cannot create things on her side. There needs to be balance.

 

 

Anyway, kind of ranting...

 

I have been going to the VA for medical issues, and have been getting help for mental problems as well as I only sleep a few hrs a night. I told her a long time ago if those kinds of problems ever started to affect our marriage I would seek help, and I am now.

 

I'm not trying to sound like I'm perfect, FAR from it. I have my anger moments (non-physical), and she knows where they stem from. She has been my rock when it comes to being there for me during my bad times.

 

She is a great woman, really is, I want to fix this.

 

Disinterested sounds like a much more sutable word, although I feel like I'm the aggressor in the bedroom in all aspects, and I feel like it's just a chore for her.

 

I think you have called it correctly. It sounds like right now sex is a chore for her, and your relationship must feel like one also. It's important you talk to her and see what her feelings are on fixing this broken relationship.

[goldeneagle]

there may be more points for such disinterest about sex with you. some of them are :

1, your partner is involved in daily works and tired from it that's why it may happens

2, she has a problem while getting it and don't want to say that i've problem while having

3, she is not satisfied with you having sex and try with another in your absence etc.

[musemaj11]

Funny that women complaining about the lack of romance in their relationships aren't told that the problem is them or their appearance. If only supermodel spouses are deserving of sex than we're all in trouble...

 

Mr. Lucky

Except usually when a woman complains about lack of sex the first thing people ask is if she has gained weight or if she has tried to spice up her sex life.

 

Its actually when a man complains about lack of sex that people tend to not focus on his appearance. They almost always ask stuff along the line, "how have you been treating her?"

[Mr. Lucky]

Except usually when a woman complains about lack of sex the first thing people ask is if she has gained weight

I don't find that to be true here. If a woman is 20 lbs over her ideal weight, I don't think most posters tell her that her size is the cause of her partner's sexual disinterest.

 

And I don't think that losing 20 pounds is going to solve the OP's problems...

 

Mr. Lucky