Wife selfish in bed, no sex life.

[musemaj11]

I don't find that to be true here. If a woman is 20 lbs over her ideal weight, I don't think most posters tell her that her size is the cause of her partner's sexual disinterest.

 

And I don't think that losing 20 pounds is going to solve the OP's problems...

 

Mr. Lucky

20lbs is a lot of weight.

 

Although I agree weight doesnt seem to be the issue in this case.

[frozensprouts]

Hi

sound indicated in your initial post that you were in the military? If so, have you been deployed?

 

If you were, that may be part of the problem.

As weird as it sounds, deployment can be the most difficult when the deployed member returns. The spouse who's "left behind" has been through a really stressful situation, which can lead to a resentment towards the deployed member. The spouse may not even be aware of the resentment, and it may seem totally irrational.

 

I remember when my spouse came home from his deployment to KAF ( Kandahar ). Even though I was really glad to see him, there was a small part of me that was angry with him. It made no sense to me at the time, and I felt really bad about feeling that way. It was like" you've been away and had your two week leave and decompression week in a resort while I've been here with our kids, doing all the work, paying all the bills, alone and scared, afraid to put on the news or read a paper, terrified every time I didn't hear from you because of a coms lock down, afraid every time the phone rang that it would be "the call" to tell me that you had been hurt or killed, trying to keep everything together for the kids, my family, your family, etc.etc. etc." I felt so guilty for the tiny part of me that felt that way when he had been away under way more stress than I was.

From what I understand, lots of spouses feel that way, but we don't get the "psch. briefings" that the members do to tell us that it's okay to feel that way.

Maybe this is part of what is going on with your wife. If you are still in the military, I would highly recommended seeing a padre ( even if you are non-religious) or someone else who knows the effects that a deployment can have on a couple and family. There's also a lot of websites that the deal with the topic of the cycle of deployment and can give you some good advice. From what I understand, talking about it to someone who understands and won't judge her feelings really helps ( remember- she's glad you're back, and not really angry at you, it's more a delayed response to a really stressful time)

It's also possible that your wife may even have a hormonal issue going on ( sounds crazy, I know, but it does happen, and when it does it can throw your sex drive for a loop). MAybe there is something more going on... who knows?

it seems like the best thing you can do right now is to talk with her and try and get some counseling- if you have trouble talking with your wife about the topic, try writing it down in a letter and giving it to her as a starting point.

 

Whatever happens, I wish you both the best!

[wezol]

I am in the Military and have been deployed. Not too far from your husband, eastern Afghanistan. Anyway...

 

We had a talk last night and sorted alot out. I spoke my mind and told her I wasn't doing it anymore. Told her everything that has been going on and how it has effected and effected our marriage. She fought at first, then I think she realized how much damage was really done. We worked through alot, and we are going to try harder on our sex life. She said she would on doing more for me in bed, and that she was sorry. She sounded sincere, and I really hope we can get through this...actually no, I know we can get through this. I'm also going to start excercising and eatint healthier to gain back some physical attraction.

 

 

Thank you everyone on here for your advice, it was VERY helpful.

[Texsun65]

Good luck. It won't change. She is selfish and likely won't change. If she does change because you wear her down about the issue it will be meaningless because you will always know she is not into you. If you don't have kids then get out or face years and years of misery and rejection.

[wezol]

Update:

 

After the talk, things started okay, sex still stayed at a lull.

 

I listened to what she wanted/needed and tried to fullfill those. I started eating better and excersicing (can only do so much, found out I DO have a bulging disk in my neck), and in the past few weeks have lost 10 lbs. Still working on it and trying to loose more.

 

Results-

 

Sex life still sucks

Still selfish in bed

Makes more time for the horses than me, which I understand it's her hobby and she loves it. The thing is though, whehn she is done, she comes in, eats, and then goes to sleep (at like 8pm).

 

Now she is starting to show signs of being materialistic. The current issue that happened this morning is...

 

I got invited to go hunting with a friend, but we need 4x4. Our Dodge truck is 4x4 but my wife's daily driver. I drive a 78 F150 2wd. Love my truck and I chose to sell my 97 ford for this 78 ford. Long story.

 

She has a ride home from work today, but is mad because "I'm leaving her without a vehicle", IT'S ONLY FOR A FEW HOURS. The lease is 45 mins away and we aren't staying overnight. I tell her if something happened, she could stick the key in the truck and it would start, and she could drive it to town. It is my daily driver, I've done alot of work to the motor, hell, it'll out run our dodge diesel. She called it a POS yada yada. Anyway, this reaction, along with how she talks about other people vehicles, has made me realize she fits the bill of being materialistic, and thinking that WHAT you have makes WHO you are.

This morning, she also got mad at me for going hunting and not going the whole weekend saying it was a waste of fuel, but then later on got mad at me for leaving her without a vehicle. ^see paragraph above.

 

I told her that I don't know if I'm happy anymore, and that I didn't sign up to be married to a materialistic, selfish, mother.

 

Am I overreacting?

[wezol]

Didn't you get to know her before you married her? Was she materialistic when you were dating her?

 

About as much as every "normal" girl I guess. She wasn't like she is now by any means. That was 6 years ago though.

[StrangeCanine]

Yeeeeah. I would recommend you drop her and find a new woman or get a little side action because if its that dead now you won't be improving. Its her not you.

[MarriedGuyNTennessee]

The relationship problems you and your wife are having so early in your marriage are of the type usually experienced by couples only after several years together. The issues of weight (20 pounds? Come on!), asking for a drink, and borrowing one of the trucks to go hunting are superficial at best. If these small issues cause such a major meltdown, it is definitely a red flag of much deeper problems.

 

The sexual issues are also a red flag of deeper problems in your relationship. From all you have said, both about your sexual and non sexual issues, she is punishing you for something. She may have some deep seeded resentments towards you. Since you are in the military, are either of you near your respective families or did you have to relocate due to your military career? What about social outlets? Do you have friends in common you socialize with, or do you each have your own friends? The sudden materialism could be simply being driven by her friends or again, a symptom of deeper issues and another reason to justify her resentment. Could she be cheating on you? Are her emotional needs being met elsewhere?

 

Barring any kind of medical problems, either physical or mental or her part, your situation will not get any better. You have to make the choice of staying with her and knowing right now that she most likely will not change her selfish behavior. But I have to ask this, if she explains away her lack of desire to share herself with you so easily over superficial issues, what do you think would happen if you were re-deployed and came home missing an arm or a leg?

[gisellefromhell]

Maybe you can try talking during sex. If she can come faster than you, she should give you some indication that she's about to orgasm, so you can stop or do some other sexual stuff other than the actual sex. Pace yourselves.

[goingstrong]

There is something major going on with her. Treating her nice and all the therapy babble stuff is not going to get her to magically start giving you head like a Tiajuana pro or anything else you want. For a couple that young, they both should be GGG......good,giving, and game all the time...period. Now as far as to what is wrong, I don't have a clue, but if she is trying to be GGG now, just make sure it is long term.

[dreamingoftigers]

The relationship problems you and your wife are having so early in your marriage are of the type usually experienced by couples only after several years together. The issues of weight (20 pounds? Come on!), asking for a drink, and borrowing one of the trucks to go hunting are superficial at best. If these small issues cause such a major meltdown, it is definitely a red flag of much deeper problems.

 

The sexual issues are also a red flag of deeper problems in your relationship. From all you have said, both about your sexual and non sexual issues, she is punishing you for something. She may have some deep seeded resentments towards you. Since you are in the military, are either of you near your respective families or did you have to relocate due to your military career? What about social outlets? Do you have friends in common you socialize with, or do you each have your own friends? The sudden materialism could be simply being driven by her friends or again, a symptom of deeper issues and another reason to justify her resentment. Could she be cheating on you? Are her emotional needs being met elsewhere?

 

Barring any kind of medical problems, either physical or mental or her part, your situation will not get any better. You have to make the choice of staying with her and knowing right now that she most likely will not change her selfish behavior. But I have to ask this, if she explains away her lack of desire to share herself with you so easily over superficial issues, what do you think would happen if you were re-deployed and came home missing an arm or a leg?

 

This is the case, she resents something. Has she repeatedly asked you for anything? Is there soething that she hopes or expects that you think is unimportant or ridiculous. I wouldn't listen to the people who say nothing will change. People change all of the time, some for better, some for worse.

 

How do you react during sex, do you make any noise/signs of appreciation? What are her needs with sex? Do you know what they are? Do you make it clear that you desire her specifically or just that you want better sex?

 

Do you act desperate or needy for sex? If yes, I am willing to bet that if you acted like you couldn't give a crap about sex, she would come to you to try to get you interested again.