Author Fedup&givingup Posted March 19, 2004 Author Share Posted March 19, 2004 Obviously the discussion of the events that I've shared on this forum were being brought up with my husband simultaneously, as it all "creeped" back up on me again. That tends to happen. Let me describe his behaviour during that time. When I was bringing it up, he got very hostile and did NOT want to be discussing it. He insists all these things are "in the past", yet he insisted that he has NOT EVER been with another woman. I asked him would he take a polygraph test. He said he would, but then turned around and said he would leave ME after having done so. I was seriously considering not going back to school, just "work" and do the best I can financially and taking him up on that. I almost said, "Can I count on that, is that what it will take?" Anyway, he went on to tell me that there is all kinds of information on the internet on how to pass a polygraph test. Him reacting to this whole thing this way gave me my answer without having to pay money on his lying butt. Yet, again, he insists...it gets old. After I laid down my "I know you've cheated on me and this is when and why I've suspected" torch, it's been the days of romance. He is MISTER Wonderful. What a JOKE! I mean, hello, knock-knock, does it GET any more obvious than that??? He is extremely insecure. He keeps telling me that he just loves ME. Tomorrow is our 5th wedding anniversary, and he's been the one to remind me. I keep forgetting it. Like that's not a sign that I want out of the marriage. Just wanted to clue people in on behaviour of a cheater that denies it... I mean, if someone hounded me from time to time about something I didn't do, I would voluntarily take a lie detector test in order to remedy the situation. I wouldn't feel violated if I were telling the truth. If they really kept on over a substantial amount of time, and it was all in their head, I would leave that person. I wouldn't want to be with someone that didn't trust me. He seems to not care. I wonder why that is? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 I wouldn't want to be with someone that didn't trust me but then turned around and said he would leave ME after having done so. He seems to not care ????????? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fedup&givingup Posted March 19, 2004 Author Share Posted March 19, 2004 Moi, Are you confused with something I said, or are you making a point of your own? Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Jen, Thanks for interesting links (but I'm just to perfect to pay $10 for the self test!) Interesting stats from the sites "It is estimated that 0.7-1% of the general population suffer from NPS" and "75% are men." Seems that your being "wary of these kind of things" is well grounded since actually encountering a man with NPS would be as likely as being eaten by a shark (but, perhaps just as pleasent). How might the stats change if they were calculated by co-dependant females that have projected their emotional insecurities onto their husbands? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Moi, Are you confused with something I said, or are you making a point of your own? In the one paragraph, you say you don't understand why your husband wouldn't be upset enough at your not trusting him that he would leave. In the one before, you say he said if you made him take a polygraph he'd leave. Looks very much to me like he is very upset at your lack of trust. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fedup&givingup Posted March 19, 2004 Author Share Posted March 19, 2004 Oh, oh, oh, right! I see what you are saying now. Well, that's debatable. He doesn't like it when I bring the topic up...naturally, it makes him very uncomfortable, and he would love nothing more than for me to never mention it again. BUT, he's never once said that it bothers him that I don't trust him. The remark he made about the polygraph is obvious that he IS lying. I don't think him taking the actual polygraph/my lack of trust is the issue. I feel 100% that it has to do with the outcome/verdict/results of taking that test. He's almost saying, "Well, after you found out I've been lying to you, I have cheated on you numerous times, I'm going to leave you" because he knows I will leave, period. If it sincerely bothered him that I didn't trust him, I would think HE would initiate/suggest counselling. He wants to avoid counselling altogether, because I'm sure he's afraid of coming across a competent enough one to nail his a** to the wall. We went to a counsellor last year, after I found out about him chasing after my friend, and he put on a show. He charmed and sat there saying how wonderful he thinks I am, and how he's just a happily married man! It was revolting. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 i really think it may not matter if he is cheating on you or not anymore. best case scenario: let's say he is not cheating. you still don't like him as a person, and that's enough to call it quits. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 samson, eeps - don't worry - i take all 'internet scholarship' skeptically. i posted the links because i was wandering about using the term incorrectly, which i no longer do. (my cat, for example, is not as narcisstic as i had thought) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fedup&givingup Posted March 20, 2004 Author Share Posted March 20, 2004 Right on, Jenny. Rather, I can't get over the things that I have found out to be true facts. Furthermore, I don't even trust that he's telling me the truth. My gutt tells me he's been with other women. I will say that after that strange phone call last June (yes, almost a year ago) nothing else strange has happened (that I've discovered, and I've been like a hawk). I about went out of my mind when that happened, and he saw what this has caused for me. I think he might be over his philandering ways (he's about to turn 44, so maybe he's gotten over his mid life crisis or whatever, and the reality that he's getting older and needs to settle down is settling in). I've got two years anyway before I get my degree. I've promised myself that if anything else weird happens between now and then, I won't lose it because I am going to focus on myself for a change...it just all depends. When the time comes when I've got financial independence, I will know what to do. I DO feel guilty for doing this, but I'm biding my time and waiting it out. Once again, thanks for your input Jenny!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted March 20, 2004 Share Posted March 20, 2004 He IS insecure, and he's made me insecure. When he and I were first dating, he was hot, hot, hot for me. EVERY thing made him jealous, and he would pout when other men looked at me. One time when we were out somewhere, another guy bought me a drink. He stormed out of the place and threatened ME to go home. I told him to go ahead and go...there was a grown man acting like a child Hi Fed-up... I am glad you are getting your education, your degree will be the diamond in the ashes. It sounds like your husband is immature, if not insecure. He has turned you off with his behavior and I don't blame you for feeling that way..after your money-making opportunities increase, which they will with your education and newfound confidence, you can "86" your marriage or decide to put some back into it and try and make it work,..(only if he is willing, of course). The good news is the ball is in your court,...it always has been, you just didn't see that it was. Your new name should be...Fedup& movingup... $$ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fedup&givingup Posted March 20, 2004 Author Share Posted March 20, 2004 Thank you SOOO much, Skittles. You give great input, and I've read several of your posts. LOVE the new name, that was GOOD!!!! You are absolutely right, and I really appreciate you taking the time to read what I had to say. You are another valuable LS poster. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerEyes Posted March 28, 2004 Share Posted March 28, 2004 God Bless you, "FedUpandGivingUp" You must be an incredibly strong woman deep down inside, to have survived this treatment by your spouse/the one person who is supposed to love and honor you above all else... ...Use that inner strength to overcome the hurt, and disappointment you live with daily. I personally have my fingers crossed for you to find YOUR SO DESERVED happiness! So sorry you have to hurt this way Link to post Share on other sites
hank Posted April 3, 2004 Share Posted April 3, 2004 I just found you post and read it wow. There are some colossal a**h***s in the world. I have known guys and girls like that. I feel for ya I have been going through the same thing but didn't get the awakening till about six months ago and still don't have the proof I want to make her admit it but that may change soon. Thank you for your help with my problem. I think what you know about your situation is close enough to a smoking gun that I would have left. but devotion is a hard this to give up even when faced with that kinda crap. Thats where I am at right now. Best of luck to ya. I hope happness returns to us sometime soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Rightlymia Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 He's definitely up to something.The sheets thing did it for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fedup&givingup Posted April 8, 2004 Author Share Posted April 8, 2004 Originally posted by Rightlymia He's definitely up to something.The sheets thing did it for me. Everytime this thread, my thread, my nightmare, gets brought back up, I have to cringe. I only wish the thing with the sheets had been enough, but at the time, it wasn't. With hindsight being 20/20, that was just the beginning. May this S.O.B. ROT in the depths of hell for what he has done. P.S. How's THAT for a personal attack? Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Fedup, you could ask a moderator to lock posting on this thread, then it would go away from the new posts page. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fedup&givingup Posted April 8, 2004 Author Share Posted April 8, 2004 that's not a bad idea, actually, Dyer. Thanks for that tip. Link to post Share on other sites
rsdxg Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 I understand your frustrations with your situation. I'm presently going through something similar with my husband. And like you I'm fed up and ready to divorce and move on. I feel that the only beautiful thing I gained from my marriage is my two children (4y/o and 8 month old). I feel the cheating started right after my first child was born. I went from finding phone numbers to actually talking with one of the women he was going out with. The same cell phone "turn on" happened with me. One night I was at home and it was pretty late and was wondering where he was, so I decided to call his cell phone, well it accidentally turned on and I started hearing these very strange noises. I stayed on the phone listening for about 10 minutes, I heard a woman's voice and his. After listening to all the movement going on it just stayed quiet. Then he came on the phone and you can tell he was very nervous... He said, "Hello". I just went off on him. He denied there was ever a woman there with him. I had that gut feeling he was having sex with that woman and I heard it all.... What finally took the straw was March of this year. My husband thought he was so slick. You ladies might want to try this because this is what made me finally throw him to the dogs. Well my very intelligent husband had my cell phone and his cell phone under his name and acct#. I became really suspicious about his attitude, leaving the cell phone in the car, etc. just basically things that he didn't do before were all of the sudden happening. Well one night he just walked in and went straight to bed. Well, I got a hold of his cell phone and noticed there was a message on his list. I right away went onto the cell phone web site and requested them to send the voicemail password to my cell phone number. After I received the password I listened to all his voicemail and low and behold there she was saying, "I just called to say, I LOVE YOU and have a good night". That was it...... The next day he was out of the house, I demanded the divorce, and changed the locks to my house. He has tried to come back but I refuse. Sometimes I do feel so bad for my kids but the way I see it is they will have the same love from both of us but we are just not going to live together anymore. It's been about 1.5 months since he left and my bonding with my kids has been so good. I do admit it does really hurt but when a woman has been put under so much stress and humiliation there does come a time when that passionate love you feel for that person does stop and converts itself into feeling sorry for the guy but you can't take him back. Another thing I really think about is my future. OK I have my kids now, what's gonna happen later when their gone if I was to stay with him? I don't want to live that miserable life anymore. My self esteem has gotten really good, I really like myself, I have been losing weight and frankly I feel good. Just wanted to give a bit of encouragement. I'm with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fedup&givingup Posted April 16, 2004 Author Share Posted April 16, 2004 Wow! Thanks for sharing that story. My husband didn't have times that he was unaccounted for. My guess is he tried it that one time when he said he went back to his office, but I was in tune with what happened, so he knew he couldn't fool me. Same as having someone over to our house, and in our bed. All the rest of the times happened when either I was out of town or he was. I am an emotional roller coaster, but after the transition, I will settle down. I too, have been losing weight, but I think it's due to the anxiety of it all. It's stories like yours that make me want to cry for the reality of it, but it also gives me hope. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fedup&givingup Posted April 16, 2004 Author Share Posted April 16, 2004 Here's another episode that occurred...I might have already posted this, but what the hell, I'm telling it again, because it's my own thread LOL... He was out of town in Chicago. The first night he was there, he said he was having to work, etc. Well, after a while when I called his cell phone, it went straight to his voice mail. I called and left him a nice message. I couldn't reach him most of the night. I was furious! He called me all the next day, and I wouldn't even speak to him, I was so pissed. He left a message, whimpering like a coward, and he sounded nervous...said he was working in this cramped room that was the size of a closet, that he was working all night long. Because I wouldn't talk to him on the phone, he had a co worker call the house...the phone rings, and I don't recognize the number, and I pick up to hear this guy say, "Hey, good looking!" and I said, "WHO is this?" and he told me who it was. Then he was all friendly and says, "XXXX was a good boy last night, he was working." I was agitated by this, not comforted in the least. I said, "Look, that very well may be, but I don't trust him. I've had lots of trouble with this and with him in the past with this." The more I think about this now, the more I realize that all those guys there probably all whored around on their wives, as their big boss had an apartment out of town, in addition to a house with his wife. The next night, he had his cell phone, and they all went out to the House of Blues, and I called him a couple of times, and he sounded nervous,and wasn't very responsive. Here's what...lots of times when a person is lying, they make up some negative story, something miserable happening to them, like my husband did so that you will feel sorry for them that they were put out, discomforted, or whatever. Well, I've brought this incident up VERY recently. I ask him where he was that first night, and magically, he gets defensive and says, "I don't remember that now, that was last year", BUT he does remember going to the House of Blues. If he worked all night through in a room the size of a closet and was miserable because of it, he sure as hell would have remembered it. WHAT A LIAR! Link to post Share on other sites
rsdxg Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 Well, that rollercoaster ride is a natural happening. It's going to be like that for a while. You'll probably have those second thoughts and ask yourself if this is what you really want. Believe me he'll try anything to come back but if you stick to your guns and show him you are ready to move on, things will go positively your way. I too am pursuing my degree and I'm slowly fixing my house of course things he never even bothered doing when he was at home. Show him that you can make it on your own. I also encourage you to read, "Get rid of him" by Joyce L. Vedral. After you read it you'll ask yourself, "What the hell was I thinking when I got together with this jerk". Take care and good luck.... Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 Rule number one of lying: remember your lies. HE didnt and got caught, which is good, better the him sneaking at catching diseases and stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fedup&givingup Posted April 16, 2004 Author Share Posted April 16, 2004 THANK you RS! That's encouraging! I will get the book, also Right, DA. He got caught in his own web. The truth is something you never forget. Link to post Share on other sites
aroseInLove Posted April 25, 2004 Share Posted April 25, 2004 Sorry.. was reading from the beginning.. lost my place.. but I was at the post where you asked about searching computers.. I can help .. if you don't have it already through another post I didn't get to yet... just letting you know.. I'm a developer for 20+ yrs. I can hack into anything.. in fact, I get paid to do it from time-to-time.. PM me ... god bless you, rose Link to post Share on other sites
marybeth Posted April 25, 2004 Share Posted April 25, 2004 I know how you feel. Reading your post is like reading the last 2 years of my emotionally wrecked life. My husband also swears he has done nothing and will never do anything with anyone else. I have tried to catch him, spent countless hours, read many many books and even talked to a psychic!!!! None of this has helped me. My husband has told me I am CRAZY for 2 years but doesn't want me to get any help???? We have fought for 2 years I have lost 84 lbs and went to see doctor and got nerve medicine. I don't know what to do. I guess I have resolved to just coast and maybe he will leave. We have 3 kids and lots of bills. I honestly wish I had never laid eyes on him he has caused me so much heartache. As yours was my husband was always a "looker" I have to wonder if men who do this all turn out to run around on their wives?? I will never trust anyone again-- sad but there is no way I ever could--I would have trusted him with my very life--never again. I am in great hopes he will just leave. I guess there are many women out there in the same situation I am in. I don't know why another human being would want to torment someone the way I have been tormented. It is very sad to feel like you are crazy, ugly, ignorant and worthless. You should never give anyone the power to make you feel that way but I have. I wish he would just go away.... Hope you get your situation under control and find happiness.... Link to post Share on other sites
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