Cheating Husband that won't admit it

[johan]

Two parts of my message, first I'll defend him:

 

Hang in there with me on this, you won't like it: Everything you mentioned in your post was circumstantial. You definitely have every right to be upset about his not being honest with you, but you have no real evidence he's cheating. You have to admit that's your invention, because you can't identify any woman who he did it with or any time he actually did. You're just having a lot of suspicions. I sort of don't blame you, but all you really know is that he's having a hard time being honest with you.

 

There are hundreds of possible reasons for him to do the things he did. Maybe he wacked off on the sheets, or some other embarrassing thing happened and he can't communicate that to you. Maybe he really was in his car with a headache. So what if he flirted? Maybe he really was in a noisy room and didn't hear the phone. And the check stub doesn't prove anything except he was hiding it from you. Bad enough, but that also isn't cheating. And there are plenty of reasons why he could have had a woman in his car, BESIDES a fling. Some of them are even appropriate. Can you honestly say for sure that it was just him and her there? Was there anyone else in the car? Where was he? Were his pants on or off? Who was she? Was she pretty? You don't know. Don't assume anything except the picture that popped into your head doesn't match reality. Whatever reality was.

 

If you don't ever believe what he says, then you can't expect him to be honest. He has to lie if you won't believe the truth anyway. It's the shortest route to peace when honesty doesn't matter. All you really know is that he isn't open with you about things. And you know what? When you doubt every thing he ever says and every thing he does gets logged, remembered and used as evidence, it's impossible for him to be honest. You can drive him to lie when he feels that you're going to nail him to the wall every time you have a question.

 

I'm saying this because you lost some credibility with me when you stated he was cheating as if it was fact. In fact, you lost credibility a while ago when I read all your angry posts about what a cheater he is but I never saw anything that really proved it. Lots and lots of anger and blame and I have to wonder if you are really being fair. His cheating isn't a fact, not from anything I read. Maybe you found out for sure and put that in some other post?

 

 

OK, your turn:

 

I'm NOT saying that he isn't cheating. But you need to be strong enough to stick to the real problem: you have no trust. I would really like to have heard you say that is the problem that you and he must overcome if you are to save your marriage. I'm not taking the cheating thing for granted, not based on what you've said.

 

He isn't honest with you. He isn't giving explanations that make sense. Whatever it is that he's doing, he isn't being strong or honest. The pornography and the lies and the flirting and the emails and all the rest just feel wrong. In my opinion, they undermine a solid committed relationship. He needs to face the fact that things look BAD. Maybe they are leading you to read too much into it each time something looks funny, and you both contribute to that. He needs to take his part of the responsibility for it. He needs to re-commit himself to being honest with you, no matter what. When there is a woman in his car then he needs to tell you who she is and why she's there.

 

I don't blame you for your mistrust, but you only have the strange behavior to talk about. If that's too much to take, then you might be better off with someone whose behaviors and habits feel more appropriate to you. But I'm NOT recommending you leave him. I'm just recommending that you take these issues at face value and stop jumping to conclusions. You may find they're easier to overcome that way. You've had him in bed with several women in your mind and that feels just as bad as if he had actually done it. On the off chance that he hasn't, it's not really fair to make him climb out of that hole every time. How would you feel if you divorced him and then found out he really never cheated?

 

I don't know, maybe I'm just being idealistic or something. Several other people here have been perfectly willing to agree you should hang him. But I've noticed that they are generally (not always but generally) people who are also dealing with having been cheated on. Not exactly an unbiased pool of support. So I'll be the lone dissenter, what the hell?

[moimeme]

Actually, Johan, I agree with you. It all seems to be circumstantial; and not very strong circumstantial stuff at that.