neveragain2493 Posted November 20, 2010 Share Posted November 20, 2010 A friend and I recently became best friends this year. She was in a relationship with her ex for over 3 years before they split. - Now, they're somewhat friends with benefits. They kiss and hang out, but he has made it clear to her that he does not want a relationship. - He talks to other girls and has even kissed one, and when my friend addresses it, he tells her that she has issues and is way too jealous. - However, when my friend talks to a new guy as if she's going to move on, he flips out. - He treats her badly, doesn't come to pick her up or pay for her anymore, and even called her a 'stupid a**' to her face. - My friend is scared because he is increasingly drinking, and her father was an alcoholic. Her ex responds by saying her family just has issues. She has had plenty of chances to move on but tells me that she loves her ex too much, and it wouldn't be fair to move on if she was still feeling that way. I keep telling her that her ex treats her this way because he knows she will stick around for him, and she can't let him "have his cake and eat it, too." She has a very low self esteem and feels like she can't do any better than him. This situation is very sad, and it is starting to divide her family. I try to do my best and tell her every day how beautiful she is and how she deserves better than this, but I know she won't move on until she's ready. I understand her loving him, but I don't know what to do or say. I hate having to see her suffer. Link to post Share on other sites
steve777 Posted November 20, 2010 Share Posted November 20, 2010 one woman i was good freinds with, she told me that every boyfriend she ever had verbally and or emotionally abused her. i asked her why she keeps getting in relationships like that and her response. shes used to it, and wouldnt know what to do in a relationship where a guy treated her well.... some people unfortunatly will never see the light no matter how much you tell them how great they are, and that they deserve more. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted November 21, 2010 Share Posted November 21, 2010 It does sound as if your friend has very low self-esteem and doesn't know how to set boundaries. She's letting her ex get away with a lot. From the sound of it, he's already a drunk and unless he curbs this it can only get worse for her. She's aware already of the damage drink can cause. I think as she's been through this before, she's probably not as wary of it as she should be (another woman would probably have dumped him by now) and she may have got into family habits of being co-dependent. The problem with any addiction or personality disorder is that the person concerned does have nice patches when they are great people to be with. This is partly what keeps women with these men, the hope that the nice character will return and also the fear of abandoning this nice character unfairly. I think it would help your friend if she did some research on co-dependency, though if she's been involved with Al-anon or any equivalent organisations, she will already be aware. If something is upsetting her or hurting her, she should step back and walk away. If she does that, whenever she feels unhappy, she'll find that she's more away than there and that might show her how to draw the line. She needs to forget about this man's feelings and respect her own for a change. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted November 21, 2010 Share Posted November 21, 2010 Until she is ready to get past this guy herself there is not much you can do. She has to be ready to take that first step. Link to post Share on other sites
angelboots Posted December 3, 2010 Share Posted December 3, 2010 your friend sounds like me and what I am going through at the moment, it actually took a friend of mine to buy me a book called "Mr Unavailable and the fall back girl" to give me clarity on the situation. Google it and see if you think it might help her, basically it describes your friends ex (and mine) to a tea but it also helps the reader understand and deal with why she is attracting these sorts of relationships in the first place and re build her self esteem. Im not usually a fan of self help books but this one is very straight to the point. Link to post Share on other sites
hART Posted December 7, 2010 Share Posted December 7, 2010 As someone who stays in bad relationships (or creates them :-( IDK), she might not listen to you now, but eventually she will. Keep at it and one day she will appreciate you. That is how I finally got out of my ten year abusive relationship, it takes time to see what is going on from a different perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
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