going crazy about insecurities

[aussielover]

hi everyone, my name is kristin, i just got married at the end of january and am five months pregnant, i am 20 years old and a senior in college, this whole situation has been a really hard one to cope with, i feel like i was just figuring out who i was in life and what i wanted to do and everything that i thought i knew has gone out from under me all in a matter of a few months.

 

getting married was scary, having the responsibility of sharing my body with another being is scary, i mean, there were so many times that i just wished i had gotten an abortion, i just couldn't do it though..

 

let me start at the beginning.. when i told my husband that i was pregnant (he was just my boyfriend at the time) he had a really really really hard time coping with it, one minute he would be really gung ho and want to have a family, and the next minute he wouldn't want anything to do with me, and he would need to "get out of town" for a while...well, he finnally came around and decided he wanted to marry me

 

but he felt he had to come clean, and he told me that when he was staying with a friend over thanksgiving break that he kissed another girl at a bar while he was drunk, now that's really all that he did because he confessed a lot of other stuff that he had lied about but it was before he and i were together and didn't really pertain to the relationship...

 

I am so terribly insecure, i am 20 and feel like i should be at my prime, but my body is changing, it looks like someone played pin the tale on the donkey with my nipples, i'm getting fat, i can't tan anymore so i am pale, pregnant glow my ass, it's oil so i am broken out... we were only together for three months before we found out i was pregnant...

 

i feel stupid now for ever talking to him about marriage, not because i didn't want it but because in the back of my mind i never want to think that i had any partin pressuring him to do something, i never want him to think of me as a burden..

 

my problem is some of all of these things, but mostly that i get terribly jealous of everything, i'm hoping half of this is hormones, i am terrified of him even seeing a prettier woman than me, i am comfortable with myself and know and am fine with the fact that i will never be the prettiest person in the world, but i can't help but get so scared of everything, i don't want him talking to any other girl for fear that he will be interested in her, or feel like he is missing out.. we are able to really talk about it sometimes and i feel like a large part of this problem is because i don't feel like he puts me on a pedistal, and thinks i am better than everyone in the world...he tries to just help me and rarely even gets a little irritated at my being so worried, we really do know how to talk to eachother and i assure him that i realize that i am being silly sometimes, but that it's an emotion i can't help feeling.

please help before i drive him and myself crazy, he knows that it hurts me more to feel this way than it irritates him, so he does try to help and reassure me, but nothing works!

[A Thought]

Dear Kristin,

 

 

It sounds like you are suffering from quite a bit of pain and fear regarding the new marriage, pregnancy and eventual birth of a child, as well as the changes in your goals/aspirations and in your body. Honey, you can do it! It's not going to be easy, but you can succeed!!!

 

There are probably many more people who can offer better advice than I, based on experience. However, I would like to offer you what I have to give.

 

First, let me say congratulations on the blessing that will be entering your life! I know that right now you are fluxuating among all types of moods as you face motherhood, but take a moment and relax---breath---you are carrying a child, someone who will have a personality all their own. Wow! What an awesome experience! Enjoy being pregnant as you feel the new life growing and moving inside of you!

 

Also, it sounds like your guy cares, here are some positive things you said about him:

1. He cared enough to come back and accept responsibility for his role in this change in your lives.

2. He tries to help you!

3. He "rarely even gets a little irritated at my being so worried": a.k.a he is attempting to understand or at least respect the moodiness that comes with pregnancy.

4. He is willing to sit and talk with you as well as listen to you!

 

 

I have a question: did you get any type of pre-marital counseling? If not, would it be possible to get some now?

 

 

 

["i feel stupid now for ever talking to him about marriage, not because i didn't want it but because in the back of my mind i never want to think that i had any partin pressuring him to do something, i never want him to think of me as a burden.. " ]

 

Have you said this to him? Can you sit down and show him this? If you are expressing your fears and concerns, he can help you possibly even alleviate some of them.

 

 

 

READ: I am sure you already know this, but consume books about pregnancy, children, childbirth and everything you can get your hands on regarding this new stage in your life. I could find a few great books (names/authors) for you, if you'd like? The more knowledge you have, the less you will feel scared about the changes.

 

 

 

Quote "i feel like a large part of this problem is because i don't feel like he puts me on a pedistal, and thinks i am better than everyone in the world"

 

Honey, you DO NOT have to be better than everyone in the world--that's a really tough goal! You just have to be you! Anyone on a pedastool has fallen off of it at some point, do you want a relationship based on his admiration of you from a distance?

 

OR do you want a relationship that is down to earth, close-up and personal! Where even your wartiness can be adorable because deep down he knows you do not mean it, or you are having a rough day? A relationship where you communicate openly about your likes/dislikes, fears/pleasures, goals, dreams and silly, quirky opinions and habits.

 

There are probably things about him you do not like and there are probably things about you he does not like. Try to accept that! The point is that NO ONE is perfect and deserves to be on a pedastool. We all have our faults. It is better to communicate about them, compromise where you can and stand firm when you need to.

 

A relationship can not just be based on a feeling, rather it's based on hard work, determination and willingness to recognize both of your weaknesses and work towards bettering yourselves, together! Set goals for the two of you. Maybe he could help you study for some classes, if you are still taking them? OR you could set up the crib together? Go for a little walk in a park somewhere? There are tons of things you can do together that bring out the goofiness and create a bond.

 

Something little that my husband and I do is keep a journal together. It's nothing fancy, just a notebook and we aren't writing any profound, life changing messages----just little: how was your day, here's how I am feeling, guess what's for dinner, the laundry is done but I didn't have time to get to the dishes, the repairman called, your dirty socks on the floor drives me nuts notes.

 

I share some of the same fears, the "what ifs"...but the truth of the matter is, you are together and if you are both committed to making it work, it can!

 

 

Anyway, I really hope this helps and best wishes as you face this! Just remember you are not alone and you can do it! Feel free to PM me, if you'd like!

 

Thinking of you~

AT

[aussielover]

dear AT,

 

thank you so much for your reply,

and yes, i can definitely talk to him and have voiced my concerns, he listens and we work through, you are right about a lot of the things that you've said

he is a wonderful guy, thank you so much for your words of encouragement, that is exactly what i needed in this case,

i am reading books and taking classes, and i am excited about the baby even if sometimes my mind is cluttered and i can't think about much else, thank you again

kristin

[A Thought]

Dear Kristin,

 

It's wonderful that you are able to communicate with him about the various things surrounding your marriage and soon-to-be-newborn! Congratulations again, and it was my pleasure---I am glad I was of some help.

 

I just remember my first year of marriage, which was not all that long ago, and all the lessons that I learned about myself, my husband and life in general. It almost debunked my belief that I am perfect, but not quite.. Really that was a joke!

 

Take Care Kristin and sing to that baby for me!

 

 

Hey, do you know what you are having? Do you have names picked out?

 

Sincerely, ~AT

[aussielover]

well, if it's a girl we will probably name her gillian kate, we haven't had any boy names that stuck with us, we went in for the ultrasound last friday, but it was moving around too much for us to see anything, so we may try again later! hopefully we will find out something, we've had enough suprises i think!