Yes, I know I am a fool & making all the wrong moves, how do I stop myself though?

[newcommer]

I fell in love with an unemployed man a year ago, who is still unemployeed (I think he is too lazy to seek employment). We met off the net, and strangly enough had more in common than I could have ever dreamed. I don't worry about his unemployment because he never bothers me about money and always goes out with me never complaining of finaces (Although I gave him $200 today to answer all questions about how he sees me truthfully. I did this because I want to change next time around and know where I went wrong. He swears I could give him $10,000 and the truth is he sees me as beautiful and thinks I am normal and selfless always giving. He agrees I am emotional but says I need no counseling nor medication, nor therepy. He says my life has been surrounded by too many negatives and I only think the worst of myself and situations and I have to understand I am okay).

 

He is 15 years my senior. I am an educated woman with a Ph.D and have my own money, although I still live with my parents who hate him and won't let him in my house due to the fact he is in his forties and I am 15 years younger. They also think he is trying to damage me because he is white and I am black. He prefers black women although his ex-wife is hispanic.

 

Our connection is uncanny. Very, very strong. Silly me I thought he was my knight and shinning armor although I am too damn smart to ever before believe a man would whisk me away and resuce me. But he made me belive or hope, and the hope was all in my head.

 

I was very sheltered and therefore don't always act the way people think young single women should. I am more antisocial and independent than most. I met this man, and we went every where and engaged in so many wonderful activities (Plays, walks on beaches you name it). However, 7 months later, he slowed down all of this and began claiming he had to get into his kids. He has two teenage children he has sole custody of because his ex did not want the responsiblity. I never met his kids.I see him, but we hardly go places anymore. Yet if I need him for anything he is there for me. He is always there for me. He has seen me cry rivers begging him to take me out more. I embaress myself the way I cry. But always he is so gentle and so understanding, but so uncompliant. It is not a relationship built on sex for we do not have sex often.

 

We talked until we were both blue in the face, he will always talk and always listen and always respond. However, it does not help. Despite our connection he wants us to be friends forever. He is not sure where this relationship is heading and does not feel he knows where his life is headed. I never been in love before. At the age of 31 I never even been kissed by a man the way he kisses me. I know he is my first love although I was in two long term relationships. One for 9 years and one for 7 years. He is the first man, I feel like I am a psycho I am so desperate for his love. He loves me, he is passionate and kisses me as if there were no other woman more beautiful. But he is detached. What do I do? How do I move on from a situation I feel lost in? I need to be loved. I never knew that until I met him. I fear I won't find someone who can be as patient and overwhelmingly supportive as he is. i fear I won't ever meet another man who does not make me feel sexually pressured and can understand me as odd as I am. I am afraid of this and really am reluctant to cut the ties and He doesn't want me to cut the ties, only to accept that he needs to figure out his life and can not make me any promises of a future for he does not know what he wants. He can only promise I will always be his friend no matter what. Can you advice me?

[moimeme]

Although I gave him $200 today to answer all questions about how he sees me truthfully

 

Huh? OK. Red flag #1.

 

I think he is too lazy to seek employment

 

Red flag #2

 

strangly enough had more in common than I could have ever dreamed

 

Yes. That happens. Eventually you find out that along with the things you have in common are some fairly unpleasant characteristics and traits. Trust me on this.

 

I need to be loved.

 

Most people do. Some also need to love. This is not a good reason to latch on to someone.

 

I fear I won't find someone who can be as patient and overwhelmingly supportive as he is. i fear I won't ever meet another man who does not make me feel sexually pressured and can understand me as odd as I am.

 

You probably will. I don't think the statistic for people who never marry is that high. This guy has made it clear that despite your wishes, he's not in for that sort of a relationship.

 

He doesn't want me to cut the ties, only to accept that he needs to figure out his life and can not make me any promises of a future for he does not know what he wants. He can only promise I will always be his friend no matter what.

 

You've spent 7 and 9 years in other relationships. If you think this guy is that much of a treasure, then give him six more months to get his act together, and that includes finding a job. If he doesn't, dump him and get out into the world. There are plenty of fish in the sea. You just need to cut bait.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by newcommer

(Although I gave him $200 today to answer all questions about how he sees me truthfully.

 

You paid this guy $200 to tell you truthfully how he sees you? Why did you feel the need to pay him, especially if you consider him such a great friend? He probably thought he hit the jackpot.

 

He agrees I am emotional but says I need no counseling nor medication, nor therepy. He says my life has been surrounded by too many negatives and I only think the worst of myself and situations and I have to understand I am okay).

 

I thought he said he was unemployed.....now he's pretending to be a psychiatrist/psychologist/professional therapist? I'm sure he doesn't know his arse from a hole in the ground when it comes to what you need or don't need. I sense you've already been brainwashed by him.

 

He is 15 years my senior. I am an educated woman with a Ph.D and have my own money, although I still live with my parents

 

Just out of curiosity, why do you still live with your parents at your age? (not a judgment, just a question)

 

He has two teenage children he has sole custody of because his ex did not want the responsiblity.

 

Say what? He has sole custody of two teenaged children, yet the lazy bum doesn't work? How does he afford to pay the rent or mortgage, or buy groceries, or pay the bills, or pay the costs for raising and clothing and supporting 2 teenagers? None of this is FREE....so how does he do it? Hmmm.....that's might suspicious to me. You sure he doesn't do something for cash on the side? Deal drugs? Rob houses?

 

He has seen me cry rivers begging him to take me out more. I embaress myself the way I cry. But always he is so gentle and so understanding, but so uncompliant. It is not a relationship built on sex for we do not have sex often.

 

The fact that you "cry rivers" and are begging him to take you places...I think you really SHOULD be speaking to a counsellor or therapist. All that crying and your admittance to being very emotional, sounds like you've got a lot of pain inside and that you're very much reaching out to be loved...but this guy doesn't sound like the kind of man who deserves you. I have a feeling he takes advantage of your emotions and need to be loved so badly.

[newcommer]

Thank you both for your replies. I am not sure how to answer you individually so I am posting a response to your questions this way. I live with my parents perhaps because I fear being alone. I am not 100% certain. I grew up with my two brothers very isolated from others. My parents were very strict so in many ways my parents served as my best friends. I know I must leave my house because there is alot of painful things that my parents say and do. What I did not write is that they told me "They do not want their black nigger slut daughter dating some old ass cracker" (Mind you my fathers, father is Italian and Irish so that statement alone is just****). My last boyfriend who is now my very bestfriend was Jamaican and they had just as much to say. They like saying spiteful things. So just think of the worst things parents could say to their children and you get the situation I lived with and accepted. I suppose I live with them to save money and enjoy my freedom of buying whatever I want and going away each year to new countries. I can't really tell you what fear prevents me from walking away from my parents home, but that is not why I am writing this post.

 

As for my crying. I think all my life I was so strong. I know my last boyfriend is the reason I suddenly got so weak. When my brothers left home (One to go in a group home, he is handicap and the other to go into the Marines) I suddenly was alone. So I think around this time I got very sensitive to negative comments from people I love. My ex and my present remarkably have not looked at me as a nutcase for my frantic crying and instead have somehow understood. But I know it's obsurd the way I break down as if the world has ended and all my love ones have died. I asked both my men in my life if I should get counseling and they said, "No" because I am only unbalanced when I am sad and it does not last long.

 

I wonder if after reading this you will label me as psycho, deperate or normal. I am a professional who does not drink, smoke or do drugs, but I often wonder if that might calm me down. I fell in love with a man whose face I could not bare to look at when I first met. I know I am attractive and intelligent and men often tell me so, but I never date handsome men by choice. This man truly had features that make most people stare at me in bewilderment when I am with him. But his charm over powered me one day and his kiss was too delicious to resist. Now I see him as sexy. Come on help me out here.

A man whose face has been damaged by pimples that are gone but left behind craters, whose feet are so uncared for they are just ghastly. Whose head has a huge ugly patch like scar that will not allow his hair to grow around it. He won my heart and now I am the one begging for his love and running after him. Now he does not want me. He says I am wrong, but it is how I feel. Right now I feel overwhelmingly defeated because although the man I love is presently a good friend/person I am dating, I know I have shown him too much insecurity for him to ever look at me as special (even though he denies that).

[newcommer]

Originally posted by moimeme

[ He has sole custody of two teenaged children, yet the lazy bum doesn't work? How does he afford to pay the rent or mortgage, or buy groceries, or pay the bills, or pay the costs for raising and clothing and supporting 2 teenagers? None of this is FREE....so how does he do it? Hmmm.....that's might suspicious to me. You sure he doesn't do something for cash on the side? Deal drugs? Rob houses? ]

 

I never got personal to ask about his finaces, but he has friends in other states and he flies out to them to work for 3 or 4 days. He has a few good friends that throw work his way every now and then and remember he is 46 so he has a partial retirement. He was injured on the job and has partial retirement. Then he worked for an airliner and got laid off, so he flies for free to his friends and his ex stops by and checks up on the kids. What is wrong with me? Why do I want so much to be a part of his life knowing he does not want me. I never once thought of marriage or anything. He had talked to me about how negative my view was of marriage and convinced me that it can be a wonderful thing for me.

 

 

I guess somehow I took that to mean he saw me as someone he could marry. I know not only is he all wrong for me he is all wrong for his kids. His house is in shambles. His place is badly damaged even though it is a house it is simply in desperate need for repair and furniture. His kids are always cutting class and in detention. Even though he is unemployeed and home. Is my self esteem so low or do I just see his heart and his personality and overlook all? I don't know I guess I just imagined he can be the support I need and I could be the finacial support he needed even though he has never asked me for money. I gave him today because I thought I would never see him again and before breaking up I wanted answers to questions about myself I thought he could help with. But it did not work out as badly as I pictured. He does not want us to end things he wants time to think he said and that might take a year or four months. I guess I am an idot, but once you recognize that you somehow throw your hands up and say, Oh well I was an idiot but it is because I don't really want to be alone.

[befuddled11]

I don't mean to overlook or dismiss anything you've just shared, but you didn't yet answer my question.

 

You mentioned this guy has been unemployed for a year now...yet he has sole custody of his 2 teenaged children. I am wondering HOW on earth he can survive without having a job, no source of income (well, that's known)...to support himself AND his 2 children. Have you ever wondered this? How does he pay the rent? Buy food? Pay the bills? Buy clothing for his kids? None of this is free, but to be unemployed for a year........is he mooching off of welfare or something? I find this very suspicious.

 

I really do think you need, very much, to start seeing a counsellor. You've spoken of "frantic crying" and "crying rivers".......you've obviously endured and continue to endure verbal and emotional abuse from your parents....you speak as though you don't think you're worth anything. You sound like you could be depressed (clinically depressed). Would you consider going to see a counsellor or therapist? I think you need someone to help you sort out your hurts and low self esteem, and possible depression......and help you get to the place where you don't "need" anyone the way you need this guy. Where you can learn how much you're WORTH (because you are!!!)...so that you can get the courage to get out on your own and love yourself and be happy......to find happiness and love from within yourself...and not from some lazy, unemployed man.

[newcommer]

Your funny and correct! Too accurate! I think yo summed me up totally and now how do you think it feels living with this knowledge? Have you ever heard that song by DISTURBED??? THE SONG IS CALLED FEAR..

 

Reject

are you knowone

Fear you nothing

I bet you think you have a good reason

to be living in the limelight of the fortunate ones

 

 

your too weakend by the poision

that they feed you

Little impotent one

 

I dont' wanna be, innocent you know

I don't want to let them hypnotize me....

 

it's a pretty cool song.

 

Everyone says it's amazing how I can assess myself and yet not have the curage to fix myself. I hate recognizing my esteem is low and I do not value myself. I know it and I know each behavior that proves it. Yet I can't seem to go beyond the knowledge and the dislike.

 

I just have been reading a lot lately in the bookstores and the library and on the net. Trying to help myself because from what I read even going to a counselor you have to help yourself. I think instinctively I know this so I am trying to find a way to find my self worth. It is gone. It is no† only gone but I do feel desperate and lost and alone. I know most people at the job think I am wonderful and many men want to date me, but I am attracted to those who are odd and outcast like myself. Those rare breeds with talent and who are misunderstood. I think when I get rejected by them, I get devestated because like my ex said to me, "We need to for a club for the weird, creative, and misunderstood artist of the world. Like senior citizens have a meeting place and teens have a meeting place, we need one so we don't feel like we don't fit in all the time." He like you thinks my present man is feeding on my emotions and earning money in a dishonest way. He also feels that I should not be involved with a man with children because he has nothing but baggage to offer. What I don't tell my ex is, "Yeah but we dated for 9 years and yu never kissed me like he does or made me feel so beautiful"

 

 

So your right, I am simply feeling very low self esteem and just trying to find a way to combat it and have the courage to be stronger. I mean courage to not think if I do this different this man will show interest in me again. I need to not want him or need him.

[newcommer]

I went to see a therapist. He basically says he thinks I am normal, need no meds, and my fears of moving out and seeking normal healthy men are related to something that was said to me in my childhood. He also seemed very positive that with a few more talk sessions, I can figure out where my fears stem from. He says I am too giving and need to care for myself. That was the basics in a nutshell.

 

As for the guy, we are still talking and I think going with the flow of things, not making any quick or sudden moves just slow ones and maybe with luck I will let go or back off enough that he might change. I don't know. But I think I feel a bit more hope that I can handle whatever!

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by newcommer

I went to see a therapist. He basically says he thinks I am normal, need no meds, and my fears of moving out and seeking normal healthy men are related to something that was said to me in my childhood. He also seemed very positive that with a few more talk sessions, I can figure out where my fears stem from. He says I am too giving and need to care for myself. That was the basics in a nutshell.

 

It was only a couple of days ago that you first posted. Okay, so since then, you've seen a therapist. I'm glad you have!!

 

But I'm a little leary about what his qualifications are, and what makes him qualified to tell you that you a) don't need meds and b) that it will only take a few more sessions to figure things out.

 

I'm assuming you only had one session so far? Sorry, I don't mean to be negative or critical of your therapist, but I have a really hard time believing that any therapist/counsellor/psychiatrist/psychologist who's worth anything, would be able to come to all these neat little conclusions in just one session. That does not seem possible or realistic to me, not at all.

 

In fact, it's always been my impression that when a person sees someone like this, the first session is more of an information gathering session.....where boundaries are discussed, where objectives are discussed, etc. Usually the first session doesn't delve into anything of a deeper nature.

 

Where did you find this therapist? What are their qualifications?

 

Considering you sounded extremely extremely depressed and emotionally fragile, based on your previous posts..your frequent admittance to "crying rivers" and lots of crying, I am surprised at this very sudden turnaround in your state of mind here.

 

As well, unless you didn't give this therapist as much info on your state of mind as you gave us, and unless he's a psychologist or psychiatrist, he's in no way qualified to tell you, based on one session, that you do not require medications (antidepressants, mood stabilizers, etc etc).

 

I'd be more inclined to suspect that your more upbeat state of mind is due to the fact that you're back to communicating with this guy again.

[newcommer]

I have no reason to be dishonest, after all I posted this problem due to the fact it is a problem. I can't try and find answers and help if I am being false. I don't particuliarly enjoy running after a man or making myself look desperate even though he says I don't. I know how I am behaving. At this point I think love has turned into a need to hold onto my "Playmate". I know that I am really having more trouble accepting all the fun we had as "friends" and later as intimate friends, slowly disapated and I wonder how on earth I messed up. He says stop blaming myself it is he who is a mess and needs to sort out his life. I think I just can't beleive how he fought so hard to have me become a part of his life. Needed me so much and tried so hard to break me out of my shell. He knew I had dated my ex for 8 years and the relationship was toxic. He knew I was just finding myself and trying hard to find strength in being alone. He kept saying he wanted to help and I kept pushing him away.Pushing until finally I trusted him like I trusted no other man and broke slowly out of my fear of sex, fear of intimacy, uncomfortable feeling of holding hands with people and even shaking hands. He worked so hard to ease me into feeling safe and showing me how to feel beautiful and sexy. He literally helped me see myself so differently. Then, he drew back months later (being unemployeed still) and he used his unemployment as an excuse. Saying he was so depressed even though he is chearful and smiling. He said he was in no position to want to go to plays and walk the beach and to feel okay and he did not know what he wanted from life. That hurt so much because I trusted him enough to try and meet him half way and when I finally fell deep in love, he drew back. I feel alone even though he is still in my life. I feel upset my playmate is gone and I am left with a man who seems to ration his time with me. He never misses a holiday or does not come to me when I need him most, but despite this, everything changed for the worst and I feel as if I am almost back with my ex. Meaning my old relationship was one of never seeing my boyfriend and....I can't believe I left one man and months later the new one took over the old man's place of not being there for me as a boyfriend.

 

As for your remark about the psyciatrist. He was a psychologist not a psychiatrist. He actually was able to see me right away. When I came his office was closing, but he seems to notice I was distraught and took and interest in me. I KNOW WHAT YOUR THINKING AND I WON'T GO THERE WITH YOU ALTHOUGH YOUR CORRECT ! The session was suppose to be a 5-10 minute intake to see what the problem was and if I were speaking to the right professional to be seeking help. There were psychiatrist in the office as well so who I needed to see needed to be determined. Being I know all of my problems I was able to break things down very fast and tell him my difficulty was moving on and moving away and not feeling incredible pain. I did tell him about my crying and even that I felt irrational in my actions.

 

As for the guy in my life, I kind of wish he were cruel and hurtful. Then pulling away would be easier. However he is always so kind. Today my car needed serious repairs and he drove me all the way out to the dealer 20 minutes from where I live and then from the dealer to work and picked me up from work. My car needs to stay over night and He agreed to do it again. Don't ask why my parents are not doing this!!! As much as my nagging should drive him up the wall, he is always so kind. He called me up and said he was at the supermarket and he wanted to know if there are any items I needed picked up. He is not in love with me the way i am in love with him but I know he cares very much for me.

 

His disposition is always so sunny that it is hard for me to stay pessimistic. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to break free of someone you know is not good for you in certain respects, yet they are always trying to show you in small ways how they care. He could have pushed me away. He could have cut me off entirely. He does not. He does not lead me on into thinking he is in love with me, but he also does not show he is not attracted to me or that he does not care for me. It is really a hard place to be in. Harder when the person is gentle and passionate and at the same time he treats you like a lady and never oversteps.

[befuddled11]

First of all, I was definitely not insinuating or implying that anything you've posted has appeared questionable or farfetched. Not sure what made you think I was implying that? I really wasn't.

 

Okay, so you saw a psychologist. It doesn't sound like you had a very long session so I'm still leary about how he could come to many conclusions based on the short time you spoke.

 

You wrote:

 

"However he is always so kind. Today my car needed serious repairs and he drove me all the way out to the dealer 20 minutes from where I live and then from the dealer to work and picked me up from work. My car needs to stay over night and He agreed to do it again. Don't ask why my parents are not doing this!!!"

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but what's the big deal that he is helping you out like this while your car is getting repaired? Hell, that should be worth less than the $200 you gave him in the past to "tell you the truth" (and the loser actually accepted it from you). I mean, what else does he have to do? He's unemployed, correct?

 

And why would your parents be expected to drive you around? You're a grown woman (something made me think you stated you're in your early 30's) with a PhD (by the way, what's your PhD in?).....I'd say you're long past the age/stage of your parents having to drive you around if your car is in for repairs, that shouldn't be their obligation? Don't you think?

[newcommer]

I am 31yrs actually and completing a Ph.D program, I am not finished. I have presently 45 credits above my masters and have finished all necessary course work. I only have my research to go. I believe I have finished my dissertation, I simply want to fine tune my research and have someone critique my work before finalizing everything. It's a struggle, but I am almost there. Hopefully I will be in Japan in June. I am hoping to win a grant I applied for to attend the Fulbright Memorial Fund conference. If I win this grant, it will tremendously help me add an even more unique approach to my reasearch.

 

As for my parents, IF my parents car were not working, I would and have drove them to the dealer. Since my parents also are not working and have the time, and I do live with them, one would think they would take me. However it is not worth the headached of me asking them, because the price of hearing their bickering and/or insults is not worth the trouble.

[newcommer]

I am reading all of your replies and responses and It just amazes me how us humans go through this stuff.

 

As I reread some of the comments I see how I am a complete idiot. I see how it is amazing others did not write, "Get a life you dumb >>>>>>>". Pathetic, yet it does not stop you from feeling a slight depression and wishing things would be different. I wish we did not feel so strongly and that all people could walk away from Toxic situations as readily as others. But we can not all do that. Some people are lucky and can walk away and never look back. Others of us get knots in our stomachs and feel like we are so alone. Thank God for this site! Thank God for great people with the hearts and compassion to want to take time out and write and help!

[jenny]

what does this mean:

 

 

 

KNOW WHAT YOUR THINKING AND I WON'T GO THERE WITH YOU ALTHOUGH YOUR CORRECT

 

 

[moimeme]

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to break free of someone you know is not good for you in certain respects, yet they are always trying to show you in small ways how they care. He could have pushed me away. He could have cut me off entirely. He does not. He does not lead me on into thinking he is in love with me, but he also does not show he is not attracted to me or that he does not care for me. It is really a hard place to be in. Harder when the person is gentle and passionate and at the same time he treats you like a lady and never oversteps.

 

You're right about that. There are women who have supposed loving partners who don't treat them that well.

Life can certainly be tiresome sometimes.

[jenny]

i've read over your initial post a number of times and i am still confused about one main point and some small ones:

 

1. you do not now have a relationship with this man, correct? he is not your man.

 

this is quite an important point, it seems to me. if you are not in a relationship with him, how he makes his living, how he rears his children, how he fixes himself or his house up is not really your business. you have your own problems to deal with.

 

i'm sensing that you get some esteem from putting him down under the auspices of compliments of your love - the facts that he is ugly and unemployed are his identifying characteristics, according to your title in the other thread on this topic. do you see how this is a power positioning? i think you might have thought you could do some frog kissing, but this frog rejected you.

 

this is not as important as focusing on yourself right now, though. i second the posts that invite you to get some help - some qualified help. ask to see degrees, and make sure they are from legitimate universities.

[newcommer]

moimeme---

 

Your signature says, “Choosing to love that which appears difficult and not lovable is the key to discovering your own greatness.”

 

That is me. I choose always to get to know and understand the most difficult and unacceptable people. I like people and things that are “Different” for I feel there is something special about things that have hidden beauty. What does that statement mean to you?

 

Moimeme----There you go! Exactly. Listen, I know I am strong. I have been through many things examples of which are: being paralyzed by a bug in China, being in a wheel chair for three years with every specialist not knowing what was wrong with me, I have had things to deal with that would send most people over the edge. I know I am strong because I keep moving and keep going. Yet for the past week this site has been like my life line so to speak because I feel so depressed and so overwhelmed with this SELF-PITY. I am not the type of person to stay home on a computer. I like to go, go, go. But this situation is taxing. Taxing because you are so right. Most people don't have anyone that treats them so good. He is truly the only person I have ever known who I can feel his love. I just can’t understand how things changed for us. How it felt like it was the two of us, a partnership. Now I am back to being alone and independent and without my playmate. He is around but not available. I know I need to walk away, but how when the way he treats me has not changed, his laughter and positive outlook is still there. His concern for me is still present. Our chemistry is still there. But he is not with me. He is not into “Us” like he used to be. This hurts and I need to get over it and move on but I feel like if I only could figure out where I am going wrong I can save us. But then again i embarrassed myself so much with the crying and the excessive phone calls to him and the buying of gifts and the complete and utter desperation I have shown. I am surprised he has not called the cops. He only kisses me and hugs me and says, “Relax and go with the flow”. [color=green][/color]

[newcommer]

jenny

 

I know when you email someone words can be misunderstood. Your misunderstanding me now. I am stating an observation. I am not blind, I know how he looks. This is not said because I feel more powerful than him or wish to put him down. Ugly or not the man has things I wish I had. He is ugly, has a high school education, and is a bit unkempt. But he has and always has had a positive outlook on life I wish I had, he is strong willed and can carry a lot of weight on his shoulders. He is so amazingly kind yet not at all weak or a push over. I love his strength and the way he can handle most situations. I often wish I met him years agao for had I known him then I think my life would have been happier and spent in less fear. If I could be ugly and have his confidence, I would love it. He shouts at the roof tops he is ugly and does not care. There is such a beauty to that. Such a beauty that it makes him sexy. How can I say that? Before I dated this man it drove me crazy how badly he cared for his teeth. They are horrid. Yet he takes his kids to the dentist. He needs a cleaning desperately, but I would never tell him that. He was my friend first and the only thing that mattered to me was the fun we had and how wonderful he treated me. He and I were in sync and we had too much fun. Now that I am his girlfriend, I would not dare tell him this, but Im not blind, and I know that does not stop him from being the best kisser I ever met.

 

How can I say his feet are bad and clearly uncared for, because I know because it took me over a month before I could truly look at him without being repulsed by his looks. I did not think he was a frog I could change. I don’t want to change him. I just am not blind. I met him on line. I wanted a travel partner. He responded to my travel companion ad. I was reluctant to meet him because he had kids, was too old, and was unemployed. However I never turned away from his emails. I told him by email my family would give me a hard time for even talking to a man who was 15 years older than me and ... He did not care he truly wanted to meet me. So we met at a bowling ally. We never saw each others pictures, but he was so ugly I said,with my luck that has to be him, and was right! Instantly there was a strange chemistry. I instantly connected with him and felt like we had known each other forever by the way he spoke. There has never been a day gone by I don’t feel that way. I just had trouble for months getting past his age and his looks which are truly not to be desired. He has dry skin, dandruff, I can’t get into it, only can say that all my friends and family who met him thought he had some sort of illness or disease.

 

So understand before I feel in love with him, I was unattracted to him and even afraid to look at him. I never thought I was better than him. I know we are equal and feel we are equal. Thge only times I feel above him is in language. He has not been exposed to as much vocabulary as me and I often have to explain words and phrases to him. But then again he knows more about politics and other things than I do. It is a balance. I just enjoyed his company and felt so safe around him. He always made me feel like a lady and always made me feel beautiful. I had too much hurt in my life to really feel that way in the past even though I know men are attracted to me. He simply made it known in a way that maybe was more like teaching me,and accepting me. In teaching me to love myself, he opened my heart up to the possibility of loving someone else. Who better than him, the man who I felt I owed so much to.

 

I dont not put him down, I am just not blind. You can’t hide from the truth. His place is in shambles and his kids are wild. If I do not open my eyes that then I will be worst off than I am now. So it is my business. I don’t know what I am to him. He says I am everything. He simply does not want to predict a future because he is uncertain and does not want to make promises, but there is no woman in his life who is closer to him than me.

[moimeme]

What does that statement mean to you?

 

It means a couple of things. First, that because of situations I was in, I wound up getting to know people I might not have chosen to get to know (I was in high school at the time) and had some really great friendships because of that. That lesson I learned well.

 

Secondly, it was a challenge to myself to rise above all the difficulties I encountered in living with someone with AD/HD and a bunch of other issues and get past them all to love him enough. In that, I failed. I could not depersonalize his actions and behaviour enough to not feel hurt by them. It reminds me I have a long way to go to be the truly loving person I aspire to be.

 

You really have a wretched problem. This is a man whose character you'll not find often. You've found, as I have, that one can grow to love someone completely even if he's not a head-turner; you love the outside because it contains that beautiful inner person.

 

Someday, read 'Beloved Prophet'; the story of Mary Haskell and Khalil Gibran. They loved each other deeply but never really had any sort of traditional relationship - mostly due to his issues. I've said before that there are some people who are such treasures that it is worth having only a friendship with them in favour of a less-satisfying relationship with someone not as great.

 

Ideally, he'd lose his issues and fall madly for you. Unfortunately, life is not ideal and sometimes the issues these people have have contributed to them becoming terrific people. It's a Gordian knot, to be sure.

 

You said you need to be loved. This need may outweigh all his characteristics, even though he clearly cares for you. You say you feel loved by him. That is a feeling you may not even get in a marriage.

 

Still, it sounds as though he is unlikely to change so you are going to have to decide if you can manage to function well in the situation as it is or whether your need to be loved overwhelms everything else, in which case you'll have to find someone else.

 

I am fortunate. I get the love I need from friends and cats; I survive quite well whether or not I'm in a relationship. My need is to love and every now and then I run into people who are happy to accept some love from me. If you can get yourself to this sort of mindset, then you can keep this man in your life and still be happy and fulfilled even if you are not in a formal relationship. But I know it's not that easy to shut off a burning need so please don't think I'm being flip about this.

[jenny]

ok. i understand what are saying. i think also i was trying to respond logically to a very emotional situation, and for that i apologize. you are free to ignore my comments, because they are probably not terribly helpful right now. i'm not adept at handling a great deal of information at once; i'm good with lists.

 

i like you, newcommer, and i don't want to offend you at all. i would actually like to try and help, so please know my need to simplify is for my own benefit.

 

i am suggesting that this problem lacks clarity. i'm trying, as a reader, to get a grip on the succinct facts involved, and it is quite difficult. here is the problem as i see it, ok? you can correct me where i err.

 

1. you met a man. you feel that this man is ugly, messy, poor, jobless, irresponsible with his children. he also has bad feet, bad teeth, and poor skin.

 

2. this man made you feel good and loved, and that, to you, redeemed his ugliness and other severe life problems. this man is also very nice.

 

3. this man rejected you because he would like to sort out his many life problems. or, rather, he changed the nature of your relationship to a casual one.

 

4. due to the lack of this man, you are very unhappy.

 

as it stands now, you are left to face yourself, and it's very painful. i don't actually care about the man, i care about your own situation, and it looks dangerously unstable. i'm frankly worried by your posts. crying all the time, phoning all the time, spending this much energy and font on a man who does not want to be in a romantic long term relationship with you is very unhealthy.

 

and you yourself know it is unhealthy. why won't you get help? i put it to you that you are so distracted by the thoughts of this man, his problems, and his love that you can't get a grip on how things *really* are. it honestly seems like you might be addicted to him.

 

i'm disturbed by this dynamic where you name all of his flaws, and we tell you he is a loser, and you agree. i think this is a trap that women fall into, where their man's lack of virtues is somehow a testment to their own abundance of them.

 

i don't know the meaning of moi's quotation, but i think it might be addressing more selfless forms of love. as in: treating a pedophile with respect, concern, and detached empathetic care. your love for this man is in no way selfless.

 

again, please don't take offense, i mean to help and i don't always phrase things the right way. i guess i feel like reducing the problem to it's most exigent and solvable level is always helpful - and here, the root of this problem is you.

[moimeme]

i'm frankly worried by your posts. crying all the time, phoning all the time,

 

Good point, Jenny. This is the classic Mars and Venus 'rubber band' scenario. He withdraws - she follows him trying harder and harder to get the connection back. The more she tries, the more he retreats. If you haven't read it yet, newcommer, add "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Grey to your reading list.

[jenny]

i don't mean to worry this bone, and i respect your privacy, but this, in particular, is still very concerning:

 

when I came his office was closing, but he seems to notice I was distraught and took and interest in me. I KNOW WHAT YOUR THINKING AND I WON'T GO THERE WITH YOU ALTHOUGH YOUR CORRECT

 

does this mean you perceived that he had a sexual interest in you? because, if so, this man is not a good psychiatrist and should be reported. sorry, this one may be just due to my obtuseness.

[newcommer]

moimeme---- I am confused by what you have written. I know being so deep in my studies and dating people who are not the “Norm” kept me in a bubble, but are you saying that I am right to believe it will be hard to find someone with his manner? Why do people marry if the person does not treat them with the utmost respect? Why do people marry or get engaged if the man is not there for them all the time? I know he is very similiar to my ex in that my ex is truly one of my greatest friends. I know I am lucky to have both men in my life. I just have trouble accepting this man can not see we are destined. He sees what we have and he is so uncertain and afraid to go forth. His ex got re-married I wonder why he is,... Any how my question is, since I really am not in tune to what is out there and peoples relationships, what is a “normal” relationship like? How can I start to seek one?

[newcommer]

jenny---I hear you, I understand, but I don't know what your saying I should do.

 

Okay let me skip to #4 since all the rest of your points are accurate. This damn crying started with my ex. My ex let’s call him G. G and I dated for 9 years. The relationship was one that was toxic in every sense of the word. When both my brothers no longer lived at home and I was left without my brothers around (I am the oldest, the second oldest is handicap and went into a group home, the youngest is in the Marines and was overseas), I began to realize I had no boyfriend. I did not see this until I no longer had my brothers around who I went everywhere with and did everything. When I was suddenly alone I realized G and I talk by phone and see each other to go shopping. that is our relationship in a nutshell. I guess it hit me that what others were poking fun of me with was true. They always said, “Your brothers are your boyfriend”. Around this time is when I became super sensitive and could not stop crying and feeling as if my world were going to fall apart if G and I had disagreements. This behavior worried me, but I was feeling so very lost.

 

I dated many men, but no man could replace G in my heart. Finally I gave up on men and started celebrarting being alone and agreed to break things off with G. No sooner did I do this than M came into my life. I told him how I was with G and that I was afraid to get close to anyone. What I did not tell him was that I was afraid of myself becomming too attached to him and crying the way I did with G. So I always was very detached with M and very hard to get. But he wanted to help me...The point is that I made it 5 months without ever crying and feeling that pit in my stomach. Then oneday I was very sick and M was scared to death I was very ill. We were on vacation. He refused to continue the trip and took me to the airport to fly back to N.Y. I was weak because I was sick, but I was also so upset I cried for hours. He could not calm me down. I simply was upset he was cutting our trip short after all it took for us to get his ex to watch the kids and I was upset because I knew my parents would tell me some garbage about how he was only using me and see he could not wait to get rid of you. All the scenarios that were negative played in my head and I cried on th plane and all the way until we landed. I cried knowing because he saw me cry and act so childish he would leave me. The more negative I thought the more it hurt. But he did not leave me and he was upset I wanted to break up. I told him it was over. He did not want to break up. I could not believe after I made a fool of myself he wanted me still. He told me I was sick and suffering and he had to take me back. I don’t know why things hurt me so much, but it did not start with him. I only know that I cry like that when I feel I am losing everything important to me.

[moimeme]

what is a “normal” relationship like

 

I don't think there is such a thing. There is such a thing as a 'healthy' relationship. You could read some books on relationships; God knows there are thousands of them. There's even Dummy guides to relationships!

 

are you saying that I am right to believe it will be hard to find someone with his manner

 

I don't know the guy. You seem to think you have found rare qualities in this person and that he's made you feel like nobody else ever has. Now you say your ex has, too.

 

Why do people marry if the person does not treat them with the utmost respect? Why do people marry or get engaged if the man is not there for them all the time?

 

Some people don't make those important criteria. Some people marry while the relationship is still new and before the major flaws show.

 

You have to make these decisions and you need some idea of what you actually think. In one post, you can't bear to lose this rare gem, and now you're asking if he isn't just your regular everyday guy. It could be a function of where you are and who you meet. I've met men who have known many women who say I'm the kindest they've ever met - I figure they were looking in the wrong places because there must be plenty of kind women.

 

You cannot be assured of anything. In the end, you take the risk of not looking for someone else to keep this guy in your life, or else you take the risk of moving on. Nobody can guarantee you that either route will bring you more happiness. You have to toss the coin and go for it. Maybe you're living at the intersection of some harmonic convergence lines and all the men around you are loving and caring and respectful and all you have to do is pick one.