Yes, I know I am a fool & making all the wrong moves, how do I stop myself though?

[newcommer]

Yes my ex is very much like this man. The only difference is this man is capable of love. My ex has issues from the day I met him and those issues cause him to be unstable at times and hard to deal with. I never want to go through that again. He is now my best friend and I could not ask for a better friend. He and I are very close like brother and sister since we broke up. M is like him in that he is super kind, and very strong and very loyal. both men would go above and beyond to help me or any friend in need. Friendship is a value to all of us. We take the vow of friendship more serious than anything. But M is passionate and tender. M is stable and never makes me feel uneasy. I don’t ever feel violated around him. He always knows how to handle me and never pushes. He truly respects me and who I am. Right now, he truly acts like a boyfriend, and I can't tell you what he is. This is what hurts. He plays the part, but does not want to take the repsonsiblity of taking me out and doing for me. I say to myself he can’t do for himself look at his house and kids to convince myself I am not to blame, but this line of thinking does not help me.

 

He says we are more than friends. We are a bit of everything. If you met him he would charm you. He I don't believe is a man who cheats. He is loyal. Just simply charming and hard to resist. i call him "Geezer". We used this nick name since the moment I said he is too old for me. He calls me "CraZe" because I am so crazy. He often says, anyone who heard us talk would think we hate each other. Nobody would understand if I said, "I just Geezed her" which means, "He just knocked me head over heals again".

[meanon]

I don’t know what I am to him. He says I am everything. He simply does not want to predict a future because he is uncertain and does not want to make promises, but there is no woman in his life who is closer to him than me.

 

I just can’t understand how things changed for us. How it felt like it was the two of us, a partnership. Now I am back to being alone and independent and without my playmate. He is around but not available. I know I need to walk away, but how when the way he treats me has not changed, his laughter and positive outlook is still there. His concern for me is still present. Our chemistry is still there. But he is not with me. He is not into “Us” like he used to be. This hurts and I need to get over it and move on but I feel like if I only could figure out where I am going wrong I can save us.

 

I know you love this man, I know you have something special. But you are unhappy and you have the inner resources to make yourself happy. You are very confused as to how this man feels about you and what the future with him may hold. Your contact with him is not giving you the answers you need, it is confusing you more.

 

He cares for you yes, but he does not love you the way you love him or he would want to be with you always. You can not make him love you or waste your life waiting for him to change his mind, becoming ever more unhappy.

 

You know the answer.

 

I know I need to walk away

 

Yes it is heartbreaking. Yes it may be easier if he left you no choice by rejecting you. I don't know what is motivating this man, maybe he means to be kind by continuing to tell you how important you are to him, but it is not helping you. It is giving you false hope. It is feeding your need of him that he will not satisfy.

 

Please stop contacting this man for a while. You will feel bad but you will get over him. You need all that energy to sort yourself out. You say you have low self esteem - that can be fixed. It takes time and energy. Don't worry about the crying - you may do more of that in the short term. If you care a lot about people you are bound to cry when things go wrong or when you lose them, I do it all the time . But you need to get balance in your relationships so that they are healthy and you are happy most of the time.

 

I agree with your psychologist - all these things are very fixable. I see no sign of pathology, just lots of unresolved things that can be sorted out with a little help and insight. The fact that you are in tune with your emotions and are bright means you will do this quicker than most. Good luck.

[newcommer]

I suppose the part that hurts the most is knowing in my heart, if I do not call him, he will not call me. I mean he will call but if he can't reach me, it will not phase him. I suppose this reality is what hurts.

 

I guess what I am so upset about is that I love him. He cares for me. If I need him he will be there. But from my past experience and his strength I know that if I walk away he will never seek me out. He'll accept me if I seek him, but he will not seek me out.

 

I think that hurts. That makes it feel final. It makes me feel too hurt to even think about. I start to feel alone and as if there is no relationship I have ever been in that the feelings were equal. They love me too much or I love them too much. I wonder how can I possibly get into something strong and with a solid foundation built on trust and understanding. Someone who wants me in there life, not simply makes time for me while living a seperate life I know nothing about. All my relationships are secrets. My ex M I never knew where he lived and still after 9 years don't know where he lives or his phone number. Such nice guys but so secretive. Why is it that the men who handle me the best are the men who can not offer me a partnership? They don't even want sex from me. They can go making love to me only 2 times a year. They will not cheat on me, but they don't want sex. It is not a priority. Can you imagine how that feels? To know there is nothing you have that they want so they are in control.

 

 

Well thanks for the tips!

[meanon]

You are falling for men who retain all control over the relationship. That makes you feel very safe in a way, why do you need to feel so safe? It's an illusion as you are now discovering. This man does not deserve your love. You will find another who wants you in every way but you need to say goodbye to this relationship and finish that course of therapy. Please don't let your low self esteem make you a victim for life. Like all of us you have the capacity to change and to be happy but like everything worth having in life, you have to strive for it.

[newcommer]

I appologize for not writing back earlier, it has been a rough day. Yesterday was my brothers birthday so we bought him home. Today after my mother brushed his teeth he began trying to pull his tongue out. This is not a normal behavior for him. He kept grabing wash cloths and trying to cleanse his tongue. Many oh man we were in a state of panic. Nothing we did would get him not to focus on his tongue. This behavior kept up for so long I was worried he'd draw blood or injure himself. I was really wrorried. I tried putting his socks on his feet and he grabbed the xock and tried to clean his tongue. He then began fighting me and my parents because he did not want us to stop him. Finally aftr what seemed like forever, I got the idea of placing a cough drop on his tongue. I did this because I remember while on my phone listening to my brother sing him happy birthday, he was coughing terribly. So I placed it on his tongue and he lost interest in the tongue. Man oh man I tell you between him and my nutty students, I swear I have to constantly be on my toes finding new tricks to get them to stop bizzare behaviors.

 

Now I have to try a trick. My trick will be to give up and not call M. I got all my calls out my system today. He complained that today I left an unusually high quantity of messages. He has no idea that it was just to cleanse my system because for now on I am not calling. Wednesday he is suppose to drive me to work because my car is still in need of repairs. I will not call him to confirm. I have decided that I must be strong and allow him to miss me. He today me today I dont let him forget me, when I asked him to think about me tonight. Well if he calls I will keep conversations very short and not act distant, just busy. I made up my mind, I love him, but jsut as he knows he has my heart and my unconditional love and loyalty. I KNOW I HAVE HIS FRIENDSHIP NO MATTER WHAT. I KNOW I CAN'T LOSE THAT NO MATTER HOW I TRY FOR HE BELIEVES IN OUR FRIENDSHIP AND WANTS IT. So backing off is for my own sanity. It will hurt, it will hurt like hell, but maybe he will realize he wants more from me. Or maybe I will realize I want to find someone who can give me more. maybe I will finally find the confidence to open myself up to dating and stop turning away cute men who want to go out with me. Today I walked in the city. I sat down and ate with my mother and a man did everything in his power to talk to me. He was so handsome. I as always ignored his actions. But I decided it's time to stop ignoring and start flirting again. If M does not want me and M does not care for me, then I will simply have to find the confidence in myself to believe that there might be a man out there who can also understand me and enjoy someone with a personality like mine. I wrote M. this final email today:

 

 

 

 

Weekends go by and we no longer hang out. It is

amazing how things changed for us. I was certain that

when we found one another we had wanted the same

things from each other and needed those same things.

Your life is seperate from me now, your almost a

stranger for I know nothing about your daily

activities or your plans. I lost so much. For I know

the treasure I had. I never once did not appreciate

all that you offered me and all that you gave to me in

terms of your companionship. Now you slowly change

everything and I don't know how to hold on to what we

had. Amazing once I had you and was thanking God I

was no longer alone and now I wonder what did I do to

be alone again? How did I mess up? I was so proud of

us and so excited always and constantly in the true

blessing our relationship was. Now without looking

with a wave of your hand it all has dissappeared. I

can't quite grasp why you wanted it to go. I don't

quite understand why you allowed it to go. I only

know you were in total control of this because it only

broke my heart and I could not control it from

happening.

 

We used to have so much and now we have so little.

I decided to go against my principles and kiss ass at

my job. I bent over backwards to do all they wanted.

I wanted to get rid of that job and move to China so

badly. I was so ready to go. Now, I want to keep the

job because I met you. This is no surprise. You knew

meeting you gave me a reason to want to stay in New

York and to stay at my job. You truly make me

suddenly love N.Y when I wanted nothing more than to

leave it so badly. When my parents offered me that

house I refused because I just did not want to be away

from you. They wanted to stop me from dating you and

they had no idea the joy you bought to me. No idea

how I looked forward to each time we got together and

how you uplifted me so much. I could not leave not

even for a bribe like that.

 

 

I say all of this to say, I know I have come

on strong and I know I have made it more than clear

how I feel for you. I just know you have all the

control in this relationship. I feel so powerless. I

wish I had some say. I used to relish the fact you

allowed me my dignity and we took turns with the

control. but now you master this and stir it in the

directions you want. I love you and I don’t want to

lose you, it feels as if I have no rights when it

comes to us. I have freedome of speech, but not

freedom to make request and have my needs met. I

thought this was about you and I and taking turns.

But your will is so much more stronger. we used to

click so well. we used to not only click well but

there was no concern that I was controlling things or

you were because there was nothing but compromises and

sharing of the power. I liked that. But now all has

changed and I can’t stop it and rather than you

acknowledge we could use some compromising I think

your choosing to say Good Bye to what we built. Your

choosing to turn your back on us. When all I want is

not to feel like we can’t take turns making request

and meeting each others needs. You really have taken

over and made up your mind and the sad part is I think

it is such a loss because you have much to offer me

and I have much to offer you.

 

I think no matter what I do I am going to lose you. I

wish you could reassure me like you used to do that I

will not lose my boyfriend. That you are not only

there but going to fight for us. I liked the fact

that for 6 or 7 months of our relationship it felt to

me as if we were in sync. No complaints were

necessary, no feelings of inadequacy on my part, never

once feeling like we were not simply twins cut of the

same cloth. I Love you It is not obsession (even though I get

silly), it is not infatuation, it is not lust. I love

you. But I think I must allow you to not only have

your space, but chose if you love me or if you rather

we are only friends.

 

I want for you say words to me that will bring nothing

but utter joy to me. I want you to give me back my

“playmate”. I want more than anything to support you

in your anguish and your troubled state. We laughed

and joked about depends and stuff, but let’s face it,

you know no matter what your health, I will love and

be there for you. I was taking care of people since I

was a teenager. I spent most of my life working with

severe and profoundly handicap individuals. A long

time ago before I was attacked I had wanted to devote

my life to taking care of others. After being

attacked I gave up that goal. I kind of went into a

shell where I dated but I was always very defensive

and always very cold. It was not until I met you and

heard you tell me how beautiful I was and watched as

you gently tried to hold my hand when I hated to hold

hands, that I slowly broke out of my fear of being

touched. You were there for me when I needed you, and

nothing in this world compares to you helping me get

through those feelings that kept blocking me from

receiving love. I knew being raped had a negative

affect on me in regards to being touched by people. I

never let that control me, but in a way it did because

I kept wanting to be hurt by people as opposed to be

loved. You really helped me to see I deserved love

and not pain in my life. So it is not just words I

say when I say no matter what your health or frame of

mind, I will always love you.

 

I truly don’t want to look around for a new

play mate, but I will if you feel you can not rise to

my challenge.

 

I think we met because we needed one another. I know

I need your words and your reassurance. With that I

can do anything. I can finish my Physics and finally

complete school. I can do anything knowing we are

strong again. I used to feel we were solid and the

foundation was solid. Now I feel like I am walking on

egg shells. So I will back off, but if you think you

believe and trust me then please, fight for me. Show

me I am not wrong in thinking we are the two luckiest

people in the world for finding each other.

[meanon]

Well done - that's the first step. I urge you to break off all contact with this man for a couple of weeks at least to gain some perspective on the nature of the relationship. You will always love him and he will always be a dear friend for helping you so much when you needed him. But you can't continue in the relationship as it is.

 

Today I walked in the city. I sat down and ate with my mother and a man did everything in his power to talk to me. He was so handsome. I as always ignored his actions. But I decided it's time to stop ignoring and start flirting again. If M does not want me and M does not care for me, then I will simply have to find the confidence in myself to believe that there might be a man out there who can also understand me and enjoy someone with a personality like mine.

 

Remember that when you feel alone - there are people who will value what you have to offer, who will seek a real partnership with you.

 

Why is it that the men who handle me the best are the men who can not offer me a partnership?

 

I have to say I don't think these men handle you "best" - they fullfill a deep emotional need - that's why you keep picking the same type. You need to get to the bottom of this before you form another serious relationship. Date if you wish, it will help your self esteem and give you experience of a range of men. But do continie with the therapy.

 

I hope you don't mind me saying this. I think you are still suffering from some of the effects of being raped. The men are in control but they are passive - you need to seek their time and attention. They do not want sex with you. They are not a sexual threat in any way. These are not sexual relationships. They are relationships of dependancy. I know you love them but it's not enough, is it? You need more but fear it at the same time.

 

You can deal with this, you have coped and are coping with so much in your life. You are strong. Please try and find the courage to face these final remnants of your experience, take control of your life. Be happy

[newcommer]

I can't even have a normal break up. They all still call and still are in my life. I don't even know what it is like to break up. I only know not calling him is driving me insane and when i do call he acts like we are the worlds greatest friends. I wish there were some hate in this relationship. It is so much easier to hate and move on than to love and wish and hope.

[meanon]

That's it - they are your friends. When you stop expecting them to be lovers you will be able to relate to them as friends - I hope so anyway. You just need some time without contact to get over him. You also need support. It sounds normal to me (the feelings about breaking up I mean). Are there people you can turn to or could you see your therapist? So many people on this site have been through the process of letting go of a loved one, read their stories - it's one of the hardest things to do but you will feel so much better for it in the long run. Seek distraction to occupy your mind. The first week is the hardest. Try not to talk to him. Post again if you need to.

[newcommer]

That's my whole problem I have no friends. I never wanted any. Always was a loner my whole life. My brothers were my friends. Now, I think in losing him I lose my bestfriend and my boyfriend. He is the person I talk to. I tell him all I write to you. He knows how I feel just as you do. The only secret this site would present that he does not know about is how I feel about his house and his care of his children. He does not know that and that would hurt him if he found out I was on this site writing this. But if he accidently discovered this site and my postings, none of what I write would shock him.

 

But I just don't know his answers even when I ask him. I am sick and tire of feeling like I was the biggest sucker in the world. I don't know if I am upset I made love to him or I am upset I allowed him to use me or I am upset I allowed him to fool me. I just know I am so upset that he knew how weak I was and how I struggled to get my life on track. I just don't get why he pursued me with the love and care he did. I don't understand it and I am fighting tooth and nail to have the courage to walk out on him totally. No friendship. **** the friendship. Who needs it when he does not play fair. All the damn kissing and hugging each time he sees me. The passion. The love. Not making love, not being vulgar nor making me feel uncomfortable or doing things for his pleasure, but doing things for my pleasure. Screw that, I am so sick and tired of that. Tired of feeling like I mean something to him and I mean nothing. I don't get his game. I don't get his tatic. I wish I did have someone in my life, to just talk to him.

 

Like a fool I carried my troubles to work. Oh my God I must have told ten or twelve people how I suffered I suffered so much I could not teach. I called him crying upset like a damn fool. He calmed me down so I could finish work. He just has this knack of making me feel....He says we are more than friends. I don't need that **** in my life. I don't need that. I am no whore. I don't need to feel like I am on call. So he cuts out sex to prove it is not about sex. He can go months without a problem saying, "The way we kiss and hold each other is the same as making love". Romantic idiot! He refused to not celbrate Christmas and Valentines Day. Why???? I tried to back out. Why the mixed messages? I am smart, but he knows socially I am a fool. A damn fool! A girl in a bubble. He says I am like a virgin even though I am not one. He is so damn gentle in how he handles me and if you saw how wwe are you would think we were married we enjoy each other so. The chemisty is amazing. He always says he can't just kiss anyone that way. So what is up???? Why did I become the grand winner of this mess? Why? I been through too much and felt too much pain, why did he have to add one more weight. A weight that is so heavy I don't know how to keep baring it. I feel like there is nothing i can trust. Nobody I can believe in. I am alone and I truly hate it.

 

No, I don't want to contiue to see a threrapist. They can't help me. They really are wasting my time, because they can't help me stop the pain and the pain is eatting at me and he increases it with his damn kindness. I need to hate him. I can't keep this up why wont he make this hurt the proper way so I can move on. Insult me, criticize me, tell me anything but don't keep loving me.

[meanon]

There are things about your situation that are unique to you, as to everyone. You have suffered more than most. You may have unresolved issues from the attack. But much of what you feel is normal when you are letting go of someone you love. Feeling alone, pain, anger.

 

The anger is good. It may not feel like it but it is progress. This man can not give you what you need, you are not in a relationship with him, it is making you unhappy. I agree the mixed messages are deeply unhelpful. It would be best if there was no contact but if you do talk to him tell him to stop it. He is either being manipulative or (more likely) he does feel more that friendship for you but no where near enough for you, you feel constantly rejected.

 

I'm sorry you have no-one in your life to help you through this. Another reason to get over it - these relationships have taken the place of so much. All these things are very fixable. Try another therapist if the current one isn't helping you, one with whom you have empathy. It will be much, much easier with support but make no mistake - you can resolve these issues alone. It's hard but your happiness is worth it.

[newcommer]

Sorry to be this way!

 

I am sorry that I seem so hard headed!

 

God we spoke last night. I told him Wednesday my ex, G wil take me to get the car. He got insulted and said, have him pick you up from work, I am taking you. Your trying to provoke me, I am taking you to work I just can't pick you up.

 

I said, why? Why not just let me go. He said, "Because your cute and kind and I like you". I asked him to say hateful things so I can heal and move on. I told him I can't take this and it is really hurting me too much. He said, "He can't say things to someone that has not caused him pain." He told me he does not see me in any bad light.

 

So I said, "Gary said to let me go and he will take his headache back and illeveate it from you." He said, "that is awful. That really is horrible, how could he say that? He thinks of you as a headache? Your not problem for me and I don't see how he could say that." Finally I told him to give him and I a second chance if he wont push me away with unkindness. He did not answer (as always, this issue got over looked although most of my converstaion was about this). He said, "You never had a real relationhip, I don't think you can tell if we are meant to be or if you love me. I don't think you can compare me to your past because you never had a boyfriend." I asked him if he ever kissed another woman since he met me or had sex. He said "No". I said then were you not my boyfriend? He said, "I don't think you know what a boyfriend is. I know that your full of kindness and your a good person and there is nothing you can say to make me say hurtful things to you. I told you your my friend for life no matter what. I want your friendship, I am taking you Wednesday and ask Gary if he can pick you up not take you. Now go to bed because your giving me a headache. Your not a headache but your giving me one and it's time for bed."

 

You see my problem???? Can you see my problem?????? I am in love with a man who is not making any effort to help me. through this.

[befuddled11]

Newcommer,

 

Maybe it's just me, but I see a common thread in all of your posts. You see yourself as the victim and you enmesh yourself in a lot of drama.

 

It seems you've only gone for one counselling session yet you say it's a waste of time? I don't think it is. You admit you have no friends, and it seems your life has always revolved around the men in your life....and it still does. That's not healthy. That's not a balanced life.

 

"You see my problem???? Can you see my problem?????? I am in love with a man who is not making any effort to help me. through this."

 

You are creating your own problem. He doesn't owe you anything in terms of helping you to deal with YOUR problem.

 

Why do you still talk to him and tell him about your ex picking you up? Is that some kind of game you know will rile him?

 

Why do you need all these men to help you anyway? You're an adult woman, educated....learn to be more independent and to not have to rely on men to help you get by in life.....whether it's to "pick up you" or relying on them emotionally.

 

I think you are really comfortable being caught up in all of this drama.

 

Why don't you just get out there and make some friends.....get involved in things....stop thinking you need a man to complete you and to give your life purpose. Instead of playing the perpetual victim, start to develop the mindset of being someone who's empowered and in control and who doesn't need the drama.

[moimeme]

I think you have some sort of Harlequin Romance idea of life, men, and how your life should be.

 

I think you should see some sort of counsellor to work out these issues. You are expecting these people to rescue you. You want the knight in shining armour to make you the princess. You don't want friends. You don't want anything but for these men to do what you want them to do and be what you want them to me, and you get all exercised when they don't and aren't.

 

Your guy is right, and he is smart to avoid a relationship with you, IMHO, because you lack sufficient experience to conduct a relationship maturely. It sounds as though he can see through your illusions. He knows he can't possibly measure up as your romantic hero. It's to his credit that he hasn't dumped you, actually.

 

One of the major chores of maturity is learning to accept that life will NOT go the way you want it to. And learning how to adjust and cope rather than throwing tantrums and fits. Understand that he will NOT turn into Prince Charming, but more importantly, understand there is no Prince Charming.

 

I think you would be very wise to be friends with him and quit looking for love. You need to grow in wisdom and he may be able to help you with this.

[meanon]

It seems to me you are making progress. You started off focusing entirely on what a great guy he was, despite the obvious superficial short comings. You are now making a real attempt to break free for the first time. It seems to me that you both want and fear a sexual relationship and I would be surprised if this was not an effect of the rape. I think this man is spot on about you not knowing what a boyfriend is and he is refusing to accept your anger. He understands you and cares for you. He sees what you don't - how much of your behaviour is driven by fear.

 

You say he knows everything that you wrote here but a lot of what you have written is understandably very confused. Have you explained to him that you want more from him and that if he can't give it he needs to allow you some space to re-adjust your expectations of him? I know you were/are angry with him but this will pass and I do believe you will want his friendship in future, when you have got over the fact that you can not view him as a lover.

 

This would be so much easier for you with the support of a therapist with some experience of dealing with the type of experience and trauma you have suffered. There are organisations that can recommend someone, please try and seek their help.

 

I do not see any evidence of tantrums, fits and drama (although I respect the differing views of my friends here at Loveshack). I see damage, loneliness, dependence on a dear friend which is becoming somewhat unhealthy, an understandable fear of dealing with the psychological effects of rape.

 

Please do seek some help, let us know if you need support and keep us posted. You will benefit from the views of others but if you find the public forum too painful do PM me.

[newcommer]

M knows about G because M knew how insecure I was and felt a need to kepp G in my life. It was M choice to be with me despite G. M had his ex-wife who he remains in contact with and understood about G. G is nobody to get jealous of. He is an ex who turned out to be my very bestfriend. Although it can feel a bit awkwasd when G often talks with me about my relationship as though we never went out, he never-the-less is a friend. He feels M knows my weaknesses and expoits them and thinks I should let go of the friendship althogether because I am looking for trouble. What I never told G was that I am in love with M.

 

Although you may feel I am playing victim, I can assure you that I have lost 16 pounds in a three week time period, not due to lack of eatting but stress. My stomach is always hurting. Each time I wake up thinking, I am strong and I will go forth, not seeing his phone call makes me feel sick to my stomach. I even missed my period I was so stressed. Playing victim???? No, I am not. I just wish he was cruel. I hate the fact that you say, "He sees through my illusions" F u c k him! I mean it. I am not liar, I told him straight up when I met him every single weakness and insecurity I had regarding men and people. From my inability to hold hands, to my uncomfortable feeling when people just touch me on the shoulder. He knew and saw how weak I was, so I am not playing victim. He saw and wanted to play the kinght who rescues me. He filled my head with tales of marriage and the idea I was beautiful and perhaps sexy. So I never hoped nor dreamed there was such a man. but after all his efforts, I becgan to see maybe there is such a man who can love me for me and help me through my pain. If I sound like a victim it is because my heart, pride and mind is so sure that we can make it, I don't know how to stop believing it. I am hurting and that is not false.

 

As for a counselor, My appointment was canceled twice. I really don't have the patients for that anyhow. Sitting down talking to a stranger. It frustrates me to pour my soul out. It is easy by net, and at work to a friend, but.... Look you give me answers, others gave me answers and I know the solution is to say good bye and my problem is I have difficulty believing I will ever meet a man who accepts me and can love me. As we can clearly see those men become my good friends. I am sick of that. I dated one man for 9 years. Filty rich. He lived in England/Wales. We dated internationally. Another loner who never dated after we broke up. He bought me anything my heart desired. I was like Pretty Woman if not better. Any country I wanted to go to he would fly me to. Talk about fairy tale romance. I broke up with him because after 9 years I got the strenthgh to say, "You don't love me and your buying my devotion, but you don't respect me." He never loved me. He thought women were inferrior to men. I being American he thought I was dumb and handicap for being American. He wanted me to be his house wife. My point is, I never loved him because I always knew he did not really like me, I was his American Barbie Doll show peice. Just the way Julia Roberts felt.

 

I know what love is now. I feel it with M, but I am having difficulty cutting him off, because he wants this friendship and I want him to want not only that but more. So I am struggling to do what I know needs to be done and no therapist can help me move may As* and believe if I let him go someone eles will treat me as he has.

[meanon]

I can assure you that I have lost 16 pounds in a three week time period, not due to lack of eatting but stress. My stomach is always hurting. Each time I wake up thinking, I am strong and I will go forth, not seeing his phone call makes me feel sick to my stomach. I even missed my period I was so stressed. Playing victim???? No, I am not.

 

I believe you. You can do this alone but it would be easier with help. You could see another, more reliable therapist - it's up to you. You are determined to deal with this and that's what you will do, there's really no option now you see the relationship for what it is, is there? I'm glad you posted again and that you are finding answers.

 

You have had relationships with people who do not love you for what you are or with people who are sensitive to your needs and treat you with respect but do not want to share your life as a lover. You can have both: a lover who respects you and loves you for what you are. You said yourself you turn men down all the time. You've just been picking the wrong ones. You can do something about that when you understand why you do it. But first you need to get over M.

 

Are you making any progress? Tell him how ill it is making you when he contacts you and reassure him that you value his friendship and will be his friend once more in time. He has your best interests at heart, from what you say, but he is as accustomed to looking after you as you are to being looked after. Try and explain it to him without the anger (that's hurt pride and your friendship is worth more than that). Make him your ally - he's helped you through enough to understand. If he doesn't then he really doesn't deserve even your friendship. He will be hurting too - make it simple for him so he can see it's what you need.

 

Please do go to your Doctor - that's a massive weight loss in such a short time. You may need something for a short time to take the edge of the anxiety and help you sleep. I hope you feel better soon

[newcommer]

Your doing a great job, and for now I think I don't need a therapist. However, a friend at work is giving me the name of her therapist. She swears by her, so I will go if I find I can't cope, but I feel a bit of stength. I think I jsut need to slowly find myself and I realize I am starting to find some strength. I know losing weight and lack of sleep is no good, but I am tking it as a blessing. Everyone notices the weight loss and I get so many compliments. I drink three or four cans of coke. I have eatten a ton of girl scout cookies I bought from my students, lost of cake and I am not gaining. So I guess I am grateful to have something positive come from the pain because I now am a size 12 and 14 (laugh).

 

We talk so much about me how are you? I was thinking about you today. Wondering what you do for a living and do you have children? What are your interest? Is life treating you well? I won't talk about me this time. I will only say that I called in late to work today after he picked me up from the dealership and we had our first fight. It felt good to have him say I am acting like an idiot, acting irrational, I need to grow up, I need to stop asking questions and stand on my own two feet ( for chosing to end our friendship). He was furious I wanted to end it but refusing to tell me what he wants from me.

It felt good to finally hear him say what I know he must feel. We fought and today I saw I express my troubles but he is just as bad if not worst than me. He just handles it better and covers it up. I did not return his phone calls. I will tell you tommorrow more. I will simply say, that for the first time in a long time, I realize, how he is using me. I don't know what to do with that info, but I got it. But if you want to PM you can, I really want to know how your life is going.

 

Tee

[meanon]

You sound so much better - well done. Check your PMs.

[newcommer]

I know I sound stronger, but I am only fighting to be strong. I unfortunately am not, just a bit wiser. I’m beginning to see where I went wrong and what happened. I did not trust my instinct. When we first met he was a man I knew I wanted to get to know and a man I truly could have fun with. I knew he had a honesty to him that most people do not. However, I knew instantly that he could not tolerate a person like me. After getting to know him, I knew in my heart for months that he was too mature to care for someone who has my insecurities and my playful ways. I knew that he was more experienced than me in all regards and that he being married and having children had been through things I never had and could not relate to. I knew when we met that he has been thre and done that and I had no chance. What I did not do was follow my gut and run. I was too curious, too wanting to see if it were possible for me to be in his league. He assured me I could and I just wanted to take a chance. If I followed my instincts and fought hard against self delusion that I was capable of handling him, I might have spared my heart and my diginity.

[meanon]

Newcommer, this sounds perilously close to saying you do not think you are good enough for him. It's that low self esteem talking. It's hard to be sure without knowing the specifics, but it does sound as though you had specific needs that he handled well - they were to do with your experience rather than you as a person. You can fix this self esteem problem when you get over the break up with M. The problem was you never had a real relationship with him, he was never willing to share all of himself with you. That seems to have been the case from the outset and is more likely to be his problem or choice than anything to do with you.

 

Read through some of the threads on breaking up - you will see a pattern. Absolute despair, anger, feelings of rejection, lack of confidence in being able to love or be loved again. Often people go through all these emotions, have a good few days and then the whole thing starts up again. Each time it gets a little less painful. Eventually you are free.

 

You've been doing really well, don't let this bad day get you down too much. Things will get better.

[newcommer]

Yeah that is how I feel. I will read those post when I get a it more will power. right now I am a mess today. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I be stronger? I seriously feel I need to meet someone in my life. Do you honestly feel I should not go to a Dating service? I need to meet someone who is looking to travel and have an activitiy partner. I need to meet someone who likes walking the beach winter and summer and who just wants to enjoy life to the fullest. I would like not to be alone. I don’t want children and I don’t want a husband, but I don’t want to be alone. And most of all I don't want anymore losing situations in my life. I like to finally gain control and start fresh with someone new.

[moimeme]

but I don’t want to be alone

 

This is one of the worst possible reasons for finding a mate. You need to manage well alone and then invite someone to share your life. Anything else will leave you in the same spot you're in now; dependent, needy, and crushed.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

I don’t want children and I don’t want a husband, but I don’t want to be alone

 

i bet you own at least one dog

 

 

or hopefully not cats!

[newcommer]

No, turtles and fish. I guess I am anti-social even in my pets for neither can return affection.

[meanon]

You need to learn to like yourself and know you can cope alone. It's the wrong time to start a relationship. Please use that number your friend gave you - you can do this but you really do need the help. If M could not give you the space to make yourself well then he did not have your best interests at heart. Maybe he is doing what you did. Acting in anger and feelings of rejection. You have depended so long on his friendship to get through it's no wonder you are finding it so hard to cope alone. But it was not enough for you, it preventeed you doing something about your problems, it prevented you getting on with your life and finding a real relationship.

 

If your friendship was solid he will get over theses feeling sof hurt and you will recover a platonic friendship in time. Otherwise you really are best off without him. You said you knew he was using you. He certainly got a lot out of the relationship. Was this just said in anger? If not beware of manipulation - he knows your weak spots.

 

When you are well you will look back on this as progresss, a necessary step on the way to independence and then a relationship of equals with another that you have chosen and loves you for all that you are.

 

I must go now - hope you feel better today. I'll answer your PMs later. Take care and use that number