Thinkalot Posted March 10, 2004 Share Posted March 10, 2004 Hi...I would like opinions on this subject, and apparently there was some discussion on it while I was away from the site. If so, please direct me to the appropriate thread. Meanwhile, I am trying to find the correct balance, when it comes to keeping in contact with an ex, and not upsetting my current partner, who does not like the ex and feels somewhat uncomfortable about the remaining infrequent contact. He has certainly not said 'do not speak to this person', but I know it does create some discomfort and tension. I don't really wish to cease all contact, but am thinking I should perhaps avoid any possible future face to face contact or meetings, just to avoid creating tension in my relationship and to show my partner how much I care about his feelings on the matter (there are a few reasons my guy does not like this ex...one being he was someone I had a fling with before i met my current guy, and not someone I ever had a serious relationship with....my partner finds that morally wrong). For my part, I'd love it if my guy had no contact whatsoever with his ex-wife. But it seems an unreasonable and neurotic demand to make, considering he had a 10 year relationship with the woman and has known her even longer. They have limited contact, and I think that is OK, even though I feel a bit uncomfortable about it from time to time. I see that as MY problem, not as his. They were on touch much more often when we first met, but that has since reduced. Thoughts? Experiences? .... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted March 10, 2004 Author Share Posted March 10, 2004 OK..I just found another thread about the ex issue. Would still be happy with any extra feedback. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted March 10, 2004 Share Posted March 10, 2004 They have limited contact, and I think that is OK, even though I feel a bit uncomfortable about it from time to time. Are you the same Thinkalot that was posting last night convinced that you had a serious OCD regarding you bf's ex? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted March 10, 2004 Author Share Posted March 10, 2004 LOL! Yes one and the same. It is not the contact which triggers my obsessive issues specifically though. I would not want to set down rules saying he cannot speak to her. And it would not remove my concerns in any case. My concerns, dumb as it does surely sound, revolve around what they HAD...how good it may have been...what they did, what she was like etc. Her contacting him in the present day actually bothers me less than the fear of what they once had, or the need to compete against that and make sure what we have is BETTER. ..and so on... I actually feel OK when he tells me of a phone conversation with her...because he clearly is over her, and seeing how over her he is, is actually comforting and a reminder that in reality, I have NOTHING to fear. Plus, their limited contact is not threatening. Different story if it was every week. I guess that's where I was coming from. I'm reading stuff saying people should not speak with exes any more at all...and in some cases, maybe that has to happen, but it does seem extreme. In any cas Samson, what is YOUR view on the matter? PS I do remain certain that I do have a problem with OCD. It is not something as simple as the odd worry about the past. It is far more than that, and so far the drugs and CBT have been helping me very much Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted March 10, 2004 Share Posted March 10, 2004 Wow....Ummmm. Quite a tangled web of feeling and their justification vs. rejection....Perhaps Miomeme's right: You may need medicating! Well, my first reaction as a male, is to look around for some deep cave to hide in and indefinitely avoid your question. But, because it is sweet you, Thinkalot, I'll try to put more effort into a response that the average male. I belive you've gotta mutually cut the emotional cord to past lovers. I think we keep these things going as potential fall back positions however much we deny this could be true. Sort of like having bought a lottery ticket: We know the chances of actually using it are almost zero, but the fantacy of winning is enough to keep us buying tickets. The fact is, we're paying a stupidity tax. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted March 10, 2004 Author Share Posted March 10, 2004 Thanks Samson. I'm glad you chose to stand up and answer rather than hide! And yes, I am a crazy woman in need of medicating...lol! BTW, thanks for thinking of me as 'sweet'. I do sometimes wonder how I come across. Crazy, but sweet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted March 11, 2004 Author Share Posted March 11, 2004 By the way...If you do decide to cease contact (or significantly reduce contact) with an ex..how do you go about doing that tactfully? Anyone been in that boat? I have no strong emotional ties to the person in question, however I do feel compassion for people, and I am a 'softie' most of the time, so I don't really want to hurt feelings too much. At the same time, I do not wish to say anything to the ex which would imply I am doing this just because of my current partner's feelings, or imply my partner is somehow 'to blame' etc. when it would be my call to do this and not because my partner has "banned" me or anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 11, 2004 Share Posted March 11, 2004 Thinkalot, I think you and your new partner both have valid issues on this one. I think that once you deem yourself committed to someone in a relationship it is inappropriate to keep on with an ex, even if the contact is infrequent. I understand that there is an innate desire to find out what is going on with an ex from time to time and also a need to let them know how you are doing. I think it has a lot to do with pride issues. You are obviously turning to something that didn't work out, and it's important to let that person know that you are now successful with a relationship. At any rate, it can be detrimental to a relationship. Something like this can turn a good, healthy relationship into one that has holes and problems. My rule of thumb is the good ol' golden rule...adding to that, think before you act, "is this something that is going to upset such-n-such." If the answer is yes, then don't do it. It isn't worth it. As far as how to tactfully end the contact with the ex...just stop contacting them. I don't see the need to call them just to say, "Well, I've decided to move on completely and, oh, have a nice life", or anything like that. Just cease the contact. If they contact you, then you can say something like, "Well, it was good hearing from you, but I'm in a committed relationship that is going well. I do not think it is necessary for us to keep in touch. I don't think I would appreciate it if so-n-so were calling his ex." You sound very intelligent, and I'm confident you have the right words to tell him I think you are on the right track for a successful relationship. Good luck!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted March 11, 2004 Author Share Posted March 11, 2004 Thanks for the advice. I've been with my current partner for close to 3 years now, and we have each remained in contact with different exes in that time. However the ex to whom I am now referring, was actually a friend with whom I had a fling (as I think I mentioned initially) before I met my current love, so we did not have a serious relationship. It has caused tension with my partner in the past, owing to his differing moral views on the matter. I was not intending to call the ex out of the blue, however he has this week contacted me, and suggested a catch up soon. He is going to call back soon to see what I think ( I had to cut the last phone call short). I have mentioned all this to my partner (honesty is always my policy!) and he says I am free to do what I like, even though such a meeting would make him 'slightly' uncomfortable. He says it would be OK. Nevertheless, I think he would prefer it if the meeting did not occur. I believe there is nothing wrong with people maintaining friendship with exes, but in this case, I think NOT meeting is probably the best thing to do, because I really don't want any "holes" or tension in my relationship. It has survived a lot already and is now going really strong! Hence, I have been trying to decide on the best way to handle the phone call with the ex. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 11, 2004 Share Posted March 11, 2004 The fact is, we're paying a stupidity tax. It's a hope tax, Samson. Same sort of thing that lures us into relationships - hope for a bright future. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 11, 2004 Share Posted March 11, 2004 Oh, please no, no, no!!!! Based on the information you've provided, don't go see this guy! You are a sweet girl, and it sounds like you have a wonderful boyfriend. You only had a sexual relationship with this other guy, so I see absolutely no reason to go and "catch up" with a single thing. Catch up with what? The last 3 seconds of the orgasm he gave you? I just see having anything to do with this guy as a complete and total waste. It's only a threat to the good, solid relationship you have now. You said that your boyfriend now says you can go, and it would only "slightly" bother him...he's being a complete gentleman. You going to see a guy that consisted of just a sexual basis can offer you nothing, and it is going to deep down drive your boyfriend insane. My advice is steer clear. A polite way of telling this guy back off and butt out is to simply say, "Look, I just don't think it's a good idea", and that's the truth. He contacted YOU, and most likely looking for more of a good, sexual time. Chances are he's just getting out of a relationship gone bad looking to score and rebound. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted March 11, 2004 Author Share Posted March 11, 2004 I hear ya! To explain, the catch up part has to do with the fact that we were distant friends for about 5 years before the fling, having originally met through work. In the recent years the contact between us increased, and the sexual involvement occurred (I found out then that sex outside a relationship is NOT for me either! I'm too soft, too emotional and basically it went against the morals I had always held high). Yes, my guy is wonderful and is a gentleman. He is trying hard to be 'cool' and I do love him for that. Let me further add, you are pretty close to the mark in your assessment of the ex friend/fling. In the past I always looked up to him, as he was older than me, and one of those guys who seemed all smart and smooth. As I matured and grew, I began to see through him, and no longer looked up to him at all. In fact, on some things, I looked down on some of his choices and views. Before I became more aware, I used to always provide him support when he needed it. He would not call for months, and then, call, when - you guessed it- he had just been dumped by a girl etc etc. And even now, he called this week, and told me that on the weekend his girlfriend moved out! I honestly don't believe he is thinking he will get any sex. He knows I would never for one millisecond contemplate that! But I do think he is looking for an emotional crutch perhaps. I know the answer, and have also received wise advise from another Lshacker through PMs on the matter. I'm just soft and find it hard to say no, and draw the line, or hurt someone's feelings! Thank you for the reinforcement!!! I will not be meeting with him. He matters not at all in comparison to the great love I feel for my guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted March 11, 2004 Share Posted March 11, 2004 Sweet yet crazy = 50% human race Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted March 12, 2004 Author Share Posted March 12, 2004 Hi guys... Just wanted to let you know I let my partner know last night that I will NOT be meeting with the ex. As some of you predicted, he was very happy, and said he would much prefer we didn't see each other. He was in fact really pleased with my choice, and I think it helped reinforced how much I care for him etc. He also said he thinks the other guy is a 'worm' LOL! Thanks for the good advice on this one, Samson, Fedup, and moimeme. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted March 12, 2004 Share Posted March 12, 2004 I hope everything will work out for you. We will have you in our thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted March 12, 2004 Share Posted March 12, 2004 Iam probably going to regret posting this however..... i will say.... i have kept in contact with exes before.... merely out of control issues i think..... for some reason when i ended the relationship, i felt the need to still keep in contact in one case not only did i end the relationship, i did the friends with benefits thing..... all done on my terms..... when i look back at that time in my life i cringe, not only was i manipulating this person but as well i had myself convinced it was for the better..... i find it quite easier to admit these things and identify certain things i have done in my life even as of recent.... before i would just be in denial of the fact that anything i ever did was not wrong..... ive also learned that i have alot of defense mechanisms. god long story.......lol Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted March 12, 2004 Share Posted March 12, 2004 Don't worry Lost, we have all the time in the world. We'll just look at your new avatar while you spit it out. Glad you resolved this Thinkalot. I have mixed views on contact with exs but I think you made the right choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted March 12, 2004 Share Posted March 12, 2004 god long story Sounds like its time to begin a new thread. Only recently did I even know that FWB even existed much less what it meant! And , frankly, it doesn't sound all that bad. So: New thread from LFW's "FWB the good, the bad, and the ugly?" Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted March 13, 2004 Share Posted March 13, 2004 ROFL!!!!!!!! SAMSON!! your bad. why do i feel like a donkey with a carrot dangling in front of me..... Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted March 13, 2004 Share Posted March 13, 2004 Go for it Lost Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaSongbird Posted March 13, 2004 Share Posted March 13, 2004 To lost... girl, I spit Diet Coke all over when I saw you avatar !!! and what I didn't spit out when straight up my nose.. Where did you get it? I want one!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted March 13, 2004 Author Share Posted March 13, 2004 Well, since this was my thread, I feel happy enough taking it a bit of topic now. Great avatars guys. meanon, love the pic and lost that's great and Georgia...I like it Thanks again for the advice everyone. meanon, I have mixed views about the ex thing too, and I am in touch with another ex, and my partner is in touch with his ex-wife (both of us have VERY little contact with them though) and I think that's OK. But yep, in this situation, I am happy with my choice and know it was right. Lost, I know whatyou mean sometimes about convincing yourself you've done nothing wrong. We can all do that sometimes. Hope things are going well in your world. Link to post Share on other sites
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