Just friends or more than friends

[white_angelbreath]

My boyfriend and I broke up (to my insistence) two months ago, though for his part he only wanted us to "cool off". We are classmates in our school so basically i saw him everyday. Despite that, we do not communicate. We endured the silent treatment of each other. Until, last week when he approached me. I talked about dogs, particularly his dog which he recently bought (he knew that one conversation that would make me talk to him is to talk about dogs. I love dogs so much). He also talked about his family members. But that just it. His birthday came, I greeted him enthusiastically. He did not invite me to his party. I gave him a birthday present, he was thankful and glad. But that was about it. I asked him now about the picture of his dog (actually I just want to talk to him) but he does not reply to my sms messages.

 

What is he trying to tell? I desperately want him back. He seems to communicate (although not what I hoped for) but all he talks is about dogs and stuffs. Are we just friends or he just wants to take his time to court me again?

[Fofinha]

Hmmm...seems to me that he has "cooled off". Maybe he really does only want to be friends with you.

Don't get too hopeful. If you still want him back, talk to him about it. If he only wants to be friends and you are unable to handle that; walk away.

[white_angelbreath]

Thanks for the advice.

I think what he wants now is just to be friends. Sad to say, I cannot handle the situation. I still love him though..

I know its best for me and also for him if I let him go...

It's too painful

[white_angelbreath]

I am still hopeful that he will come back someday...

 

I just couldn't understand when at the time I do not mind him at all, just minding my own business, he suddenly approached me and talked about dogs and stuffs. It is so unlike him to approach me after three months of silent treatment.

 

We fight again because he did not reply to my sms message. I confronted him why he didn't reply, he said he was tired and sleepy. I asked why he did not reply in the morning. He answered back that it was no use anymore. I got mad. I saw him got mad too. We avoided each other, however, I send an sms message again to him telling him nicely about his dog that I want to see. He did not respond. I called his mobile phone 5 times but he didn't picked it up. I was so frustrated.

 

I really hated him for that. I really panicked, so I went to his house wanting to talk with him. Fortunately, he wasn't around. So at least he didn't know I went there. It was stupid of me to do that. I will never do that again. What was I thinking?

 

I confess I am being stupid to pursue him... the more I pursue him the more he backs off. What "rules" or "things-I-must-do" should I follow to bring him back?

 

Is it better if I just walk away OR give him space and be patient for his return?

[Velveteel]

Yes. Calling him five times is a little obsessive. And you shouldn't bug him about not responding right away to your sms. All you're telling him is that you're desperate and needy.

 

Back way off again. I really recommend no contact at all. You can't be "friends" with someone you have serious romantic feelings for, especially when you can't control your actions.

 

Good luck in getting over this. I know it's hard.

[white_angelbreath]

I couldn't sleep well last night. He is always in my mind. I couldn't get him off. I was depressed. But I know I have to give him space..

 

He replied to my sms message today. I am bit happy now. At least, he didn't reject me completely by not replying back to my sms message and 5 calls. I am so ashamed I cannot control my behavior and my emotions.

 

I am aware that there are issues which I have to resolve first to myself before I can work a great relationship. I don't want to mess my relationship with this guy. I like him. Nor do I want to lose him.

 

Thank you for your advise. Please pray for me that all goes well with us, even if for now I will just accept his offer of friendship.

[Fedup&givingup]

White Angel,

 

I've been in your exact shoes. It's HORRIBLE. I broke up with my high school boyfriend my senior year in HS. He was basically very possessive, and I wanted to do things with my friends and be able to have well rounded memories of my high school days...not just all with him, so to speak.

 

I realized after I broke up with him how miserable I was. I was pathetic. A lot of times when you really care for someone, you tend to lose sight of your own person inside. He and I got back together twice afterwards, and he REALLY hurt me...both times. I was like a moth to a flame. The second time I went back to him was when I was a sophomore in college, and he begged and swooned for two months. I obviously had no reason to trust him. Everything was great when I finally did get back with him, but then out of the blue he dumped me, after I had already put in motion to transfer schools so we could be closer. It took me YEARS to get over him, and I mean years.

 

To this day, he was and still IS that true love. Sad, but true. It was the relationship that we had the first go round that lasted a year and a half that was IT.

 

When I broke up with him the first time, I didn't call, etc. I can see he's not really interested, and the more he is resisting you the more you are craving him back. It's a GAME. It stinks, there is no doubt.

 

If you and he were meant to be, you will know in time. The best thing for you to do is try to move on, and it's a SLOW, painful process. It all takes time. I know it sounds trite, but it's so true. Some things never fully heal.

 

I need to stop for now, I'm REALLY starting to depress my own self LOL. Cheer up, sweetie...it will get better, but try to move on and work on getting over him.

[white_angelbreath]

I still love him though...

 

but i have to accept and move on...

 

i just wish we are still friends.

[white_angelbreath]

i wrote this two days ago, I don't know but that time I was't ready to post it so i just saved it. but now, i want you to read it, it's address to anyone interested...

 

i wrote this to comfort myself when all hope is gone but my spirit is still unbroken. i also wrote this to tell to myself to move on and get a life.. i just want to share this to all of you

 

------

 

I am glad you sympathize with my predicament, Fedup. I am also sorry that your relationship with your love has not been smooth sailing.

 

I realized that love is not really as easy as it seems. I really love my man. I know he is not responding to the things I do for him and the things I do for our relationship. But I still have hope and I am not giving up. I love him and I am not giving up on him...

 

The hurt that I felt before when we broke up and then after, I learn to accept it. Day by day I am learning to be me. A devastating relationship cripples and destroys a person's life. Just like you, Fedup, I was not living a life that nourishes my own life. I was like a parasite to him. I was needy and dependent. But I have learned to accept my shortcomings. Experiences are paths of learning. And I learned a lot from this break-up. I know now that I have to stop this foolishness. It is not healthy for me and also for him. We are only suffocating ourselves further if we pursue "this relationship."

 

It made me realize that love is not something that two people become dependent on each other, but rather, both persons must be independent of each other where each one grows and mature each in his or her own way. It is like walking along the path of life side by side, not towards each other, and pursuing a single goal holding each other.

 

This realization took me sometime to chew, digest and absorb. It was not an easy process for me. I really have to go thru this painful hell and painstaking months enduring his absence in my life. But in a way, it is a time for me to think about myself a lot. I admit I think of him almost 99% of my waking hours, but the more I think of him subconsciously I also think of myself, only this time in a selfish and unhealthy ways. The more I cry, the more I desperately hope for his return, the more I think of the hurt he gave, the more I give pain to myself. I hate to admit this, but the pain, in a way, gave me comfort and security knowing that I still have him. But it was all an illusion. Deep inside me, it never comforted me, it never made me secure. Fear creeped into me. I was scared to lose him, to lose the thought of him because I know that losing him I would lose a part of myself which I don't want to lose. I was pathetic. I just want him back just so I will not lose myself. I was selfish.

 

Now, with a clear head, prayers and guidance, I am letting go of him. Time heals all wounds. I take one day at a time. One day to learn, one day to forgive, one day to move on.

 

I resolve to let go of him because I love him and I also love myself. I want us to grow independently where we can soar towards our own dreams. I believe that before there is a "WE" part in the relationship, there must be a "YOU", and "ME" part in every person. I am striving towards that goal, to live to be "ME." It may be a little bit selfish just being me, but I believe that I must first love myself before I can love SOMEBODY and accept him in my life. I must first secure that love by cultivating a loving relationship with myself, with my family, friends and even acquaintances. Let just say in the past, I did not cultivate those relationship well. I was pretty insecure. I thought by going into a boy-girl relationship I will find a man who loves me knowing fully well that was what I lacked and need. Now I know better.

 

What you sow is what you reap. I realized that when you give love unconditionally (without thinking of being loved back in return), you will also be loved back. I tried this. When I send sms messages to my friends telling them how beautiful and special they are, they respond by being grateful for the compliment and also telling me how nice and special I am also. It's like I scratched their back, they scratched mine. I wasn't even thinking that they reply back to my sms. They just did. It made me feel happy and secured knowing that they also find me wonderful.

 

That is why, I am not still giving up on my man. Love is patient, love is kind. It will find a way for us. I love him and it is my dream to be with him. But I know as for now we must live independently so that we will grow and mature each in our own way. We are still young (in our early 20's) and we must live our own life.

 

It was only yesterday I resolved to myself to STOP hurting myself and be more compassionate to myself. I have been talking about myself here.. a lot. Maybe I just want someone to affirm if what I do is right and if I am doing ok. I feel I am getting better every moment. Just by writing this makes me feel anew, that there is still a better life for me, than just moping and feeling pathetic of myself for having a terrible relationship.

 

Like I said, I am not giving up. Maybe my previous strategy of loving him was wrong. I was more of a "taker" in the relationship than a giver. I guess, we both are "takers" and none of us "givers". There must be "give and take" in a relationship.

 

 

If the shoe does not fit, why not change? After all, one needs to change sometimes to get to one's destination

 

I just hope I will be doing the right thing now. Give him time, space if he needs one. Since we are classmates everyday, we get to see each other almost everday. I am happy because I can be closer to him everyday.

 

I will let him tame me (just like the fox and the Little Prince).

 

Fedup, it does not mean that if the relationship is not going well one has to give up. I know, both of us experienced the heartache and misery that it brings to our lives. I know you learned a lot from the experience and I am grateful that you imparted what you have learned in that relationship. You have learned to let go, accept and move on.. I admire you so much for being courageous. Fear is what makes us stick and be stuck to bad relationships. We fear changes. It is natural to fear the unknown. I am glad that you are one of those people who are willing to change for the better. You are a good person. I can feel that in your reply. You also want me to get better. I thank you for your compassion.

 

We can make it, I know that. Just believe in yourself.

 

I believe so much in myself now. I know I can still make a bad relationship into a good one. I just start being a friend to the one I love. Probably that is what he needs right now, not a girlfriend.

 

"What I must do to tame you?" asked the little prince. "You must be very patient," replied the fox. "First you will sit down at a distance from me-like that-in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, everyday..."

 

I will do that, I will sit a little closer to him everyday. Anyway, he is still willing to make me his friend. If time heals all wounds, time makes love grow stronger also.

I am hopeful...

 

IF IT DIDN'T TURNED OUT THE WAY YOU WANT IT MAYBE ITS JUST THE WRONG APPROACH. TRY ANOTHER APPROACH MAYBE IT WILL WORK THIS TIME.

 

I am hope that it will work this time. If it won't I'll try another different approach again...