Respect others' choices

[desertIslandCactus]

They are sometimes representative of an aspect of some point along the continuum of the lives of some people. OWoman is not an OW now. She is a wife and a mother.

 

I cannot agree that the OW marrying the previously MM, makes things anew.

[jennie-jennie]

Was this shot necessary JJ? And please, don't claim you don't know what you've implied, stating that english isn't your native tongue.

 

Are you saying that I use the fact that English is my second language as an excuse? That is quite insulting. I speak English pretty well, but there are always nuances in a foreign language that you will miss out on. So at times, when I do not understand how what I said with no ulterior motive can upset people, all I can think of is that it is the fact that I am not a native English speaker which does this.

 

That's actually a nice approach of me. The other way to look at it is that many LS posters have a prefabricated view of me before reading my posts, and thus are prone to read them with a negative filter.

[OWoman]

OWoman is not an OW now. She is a wife and a mother.

 

:eek: :eek: How did that happen??? :eek: :eek:

 

Please, say it isn't so...

[NoIDidn't]

Hey, thanks to the poster that turned this into a thread attacking posters via their usernames!!

 

Seriously, Tony, this thread has really outlasted its usefulness. It is a festival of side-conversations and sideways attacks.

 

This is the problem with LS. No one is safe to post here. Even your username is cause for disagreement now.

 

Good grief.

[jennie-jennie]

"Not that *I* know what is best for that poster" - exactly. That is why I always encourage posters to make the judgment themselves whether to stay or go.

 

So let's get the thread back on topic.

 

I like what WWIU said, "not that *I* know what is best for that poster". By realizing this, one has a good starting point for respecting an OW's choice. And from there one can give the OW support even when her choice is not in line with one's own opinion of what would be the best choice.

Edited November 26, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[bentnotbroken]

No reason to quote this...just to get your attention to say when I first came back, I called you BentButNotBroken, using the abbreviation BBNB...that is what I seriously saw...

 

 

Hmm, okay:confused:

[Ms. Red]

First of all' date=' I thought there were rules about NOT bringing up other people's posts in a current thread? I know that Tony has strongly stated this is not acceptable. Not sure why those are being brought up [/quote']

 

And yet YOU do that quite often. *throws the confused face back at you*!

 

Hey, thanks to the poster that turned this into a thread attacking posters via their usernames!!

 

Seriously, Tony, this thread has really outlasted its usefulness. It is a festival of side-conversations and sideways attacks.

 

This is the problem with LS. No one is safe to post here. Even your username is cause for disagreement now.

 

Good grief.

 

Yep. And when this thread gets shut down "they" will blame you for reporting it.....

 

 

So let's get the thread back on topic.

 

I like what WWIU said, "not that *I* know what is best for that poster". By realizing this, one has a good starting point for respecting an OW's choice. And from there one can give the OW support even when her choice is not in line with one's own opinion of what would be the best choice.

 

Yes, it's not really hard to comprehend Jennie. I can respect a person's situation even when they got themselves deep in trouble. I will always offer a helping hand to pull them out of their misery even though they themselves put themselves there. I've been there, done it, and wouldn't be where I am today if I didn't have someone to pull me out and help me in my times of trouble that I myself brought on myself.

[OWoman]

So let's get the thread back on topic.

 

I like what WWIU said, "not that *I* know what is best for that poster". By realizing this, one has a good starting point for respecting an OW's choice. And from there one can give the OW support even when her choice is not in line with one's own opinion of what would be the best choice.

 

This cuts both ways. I've seen OWs / fOWs / OMs / fOMs giving helpful advice to BSs and MPs too (here and on the Infidelity forum)

[harmfulsweetz]

The thing is, no one here (that I know of) knows each other IRL, and we only get told a certain amount by posters, so we can only go off what we are given, and work with that. That is why it is always up to the original poster to ascertain what is helpful, beneficial advice to them and what is not-what applies vs what doesn't.

 

I think we can all agree that being in an A goes against the social norms, values etc, which is why a lot of OW/OM may struggle with 'negative' comments, or advice. It is a rare situation to find an AP who finds that situation so beneficial, and satisfying. This is not to say they aren't out there, but I always wonder how much of that person is settling for what they can get out of fear of wanting more, requesting more etc.

 

Bottom line is, I guess people don't have to respect your choices. They can still respect you as a person, and disagree with you respectfully, but they don't have to respect actions that are causing another person pain. I think it's tough, because on the one hand, it is your life, and up to you what you do with it, on the other, you're screwing with someone else's life. You're requesting respect on an anoynmous forum, yet your actions are the epitomy of disrespect. I don't see the harm in posters telling each other what they are doing is wrong, harmful etc.

 

A lot of the time when we want something/someone we spend a long time convincing ourselves that it's perfectly ok to be ruthless about it, to get it, we justify our means with the outcome, the gain. And sometimes, it takes someone to tell us that no, we can't go around just hurting people because we want something, etc. I personally couldn't do an A because I couldn't have a man I claimed to love going back to his partner every night.

[WTFBBQ]

Certainly they do, my username is the meaning of my first name. A lot of peoples usernames define them or what they are feeling, no?

Some people's usernames are the opposite of who they are.

 

OP if you want to monitor people's posts, you may want your own forum.

[jennie-jennie]

Some people's usernames are the opposite of who they are.

 

OP if you want to monitor people's posts, you may want your own forum.

 

You may want to read the original post again. It had nothing to do with monitoring posts, and everything to do with how do you give support to an OW who has chosen to remain in an affair without violating your own morals.

Edited November 27, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[BB07]

You may want to read the original post again. It had nothing to do with monitoring posts, and everything to do with how do you give support to an OW who has chosen to remain in an affair without violating your own morals.

 

 

Some posters aren't going to support that scenario. It's that simple. Nothing in the TOS requires posters to support something they find repugnant. It can be discussed until the cows come home but discussion isn't going to change anyone's mind about their core beliefs.

[jennie-jennie]

Some posters aren't going to support that scenario. It's that simple. Nothing in the TOS requires posters to support something they find repugnant. It can be discussed until the cows come home but discussion isn't going to change anyone's mind about their core beliefs.

 

Nor did I expect it too. Remember the question originated from an anti-affair poster who wanted to give support to women who have chosen to stay in affairs, who wanted to understand how she could give support to them without violating her core beliefs.

[pureinheart]

Is it possible that LS can become a place where we respect that other adults are capable of making choices in their own best interest, choices which for us ourselves would be morally wrong and/or bad choices? Is it possible for us to support a person who takes a different moral stand than we do without telling them to conform to our moral stand? Is it possible for LS to become a place where OW choosing to stay in extramarital relationships can find the support they need while remaining in the relationship?

 

It is never easy to be an OW. Even when you consider the benefits to outweigh the consequences, support frequently is needed.

 

Today, unfortunately, I believe this to be a too common scenario:

 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fieldsofgold

I stumbled upon another website where one of our unapologetic OW was writing about the heartache and agony of her affair. But when she comes here to post, it's all sunshine and roses. That's just wrong, and knowingly giving false hope to people.

 

I don't think this OW is trying to deceive anyone. It is more likely that she does not feel safe to express the concerns she has on LS. So it would be in the interest of the anti-affair posters as well to make LS a better place for the OW choosing to remain in extramarital relationships. That way a truer picture would be presented of the life as an OW.

 

FOG posed me some interesting questions which I am hoping we can discuss in this thread:

 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fieldsofgold

Here is my question for you. How do I give you moral support and encouragement for your difficult times, when I think what you're doing is going to hurt you? How do I console or comfort you on a bad day, without encouraging you to stay in what I think is a harmful relationship?

 

 

 

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Some people's usernames are the opposite of who they are.

 

OP if you want to monitor people's posts, you may want your own forum.[/QUOTE]

 

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I'm not sure how Jennie's OP, or posts thereafter imply or can been seen monitoring. I think this is meant to be a discussion on how to make LS better:)

[pureinheart]

Some posters aren't going to support that scenario. It's that simple. Nothing in the TOS requires posters to support something they find repugnant. It can be discussed until the cows come home but discussion isn't going to change anyone's mind about their core beliefs.

 

It's not about changing core beliefs, that can only be done by the individual should they choose. I see what your getting at...

 

My question is is if an individual finds something, anything repugnant, why would they want to respond to begin with?

 

For me...I know I don't have the power to change ANYONE but ME. I am using this thread myself (and others Jennie has started in the past) to explore why "I" would even respond to anything if I can't support it in some fashion.

 

Now if there is a "discussion" about that subject that I find "repulsive", then I see that as a much different arena...that is the "place" for me to view my "opinion" concerning that particular matter.

 

If a poster wants/needs support, and it is clear they want to stay in the R, if a person cannot find anything in their post to encourage them, then why post at all? What is the motive for that?

[Silly_Girl]

It's not about changing core beliefs, that can only be done by the individual should they choose. I see what your getting at...

 

My question is is if an individual finds something, anything repugnant, why would they want to respond to begin with?

 

For me...I know I don't have the power to change ANYONE but ME. I am using this thread myself (and others Jennie has started in the past) to explore why "I" would even respond to anything if I can't support it in some fashion.

 

Now if there is a "discussion" about that subject that I find "repulsive", then I see that as a much different arena...that is the "place" for me to view my "opinion" concerning that particular matter.

 

If a poster wants/needs support, and it is clear they want to stay in the R, if a person cannot find anything in their post to encourage them, then why post at all? What is the motive for that?

 

The bolded says it all to me. I do skip many posts because I think I could offer the OP nothing. There have been posts by those who have be-friended the BS, or have acted in ways I didn't feel able to accept, and I just moved on because I felt they needed someone who could better offer an objective viewpoint, and possibly some support.

 

And then there are debate-type threads (my favourite?!) where it IS a free-for-all and we can openly express opinions and exchange viewpoints and it not be aimed at an individual.

[woinlove]

The bolded says it all to me. I do skip many posts because I think I could offer the OP nothing. There have been posts by those who have be-friended the BS, or have acted in ways I didn't feel able to accept, and I just moved on because I felt they needed someone who could better offer an objective viewpoint, and possibly some support.

 

I recall responding to someone who wanted to befriend the BS as a strategy within her affair. I, and a few others, tried to get her to think what it would feel like to be treated like that. After our posts, it seemed like she was backing away from that strategy - but who knows.

 

Do you think only people who "accept" the strategy of, for example, befriending the BS to advance the affair, should respond to such posts? Or, is that just your own approach and you do think others can usefully respond even though they don't agree with the OP's approach?

[pureinheart]

This cuts both ways. I've seen OWs / fOWs / OMs / fOMs giving helpful advice to BSs and MPs too (here and on the Infidelity forum)

 

Oh yes this does! There have been posts that I either have seen some tendencies that I do not agree with, although if they are hurting and in need of support, I can at the very least say, "hey, hang in there", or something to that nature...I don't have to get into "what I think" or anything else...just lend an ear...case in point:

 

I am very set on certain issues concerning A's and the BS.

 

I feel that in the majority of triangles, all have some "ownership" concerning the breakdown of the M and the WS looking to "another". Most don't agree with this theory, and if they don't, what good is it if they are in the middle of a crisis for me to try to enforce my thinking and theories. NO, and that is a big NO.

 

Why can't I just say to him/her, ..."hey, I am sorry you are going through so much pain right now, it will get better, it always does".

 

IMO, there is always something we can find somewhere to support anyone at anytime even if we don't agree with them.

[pureinheart]

The bolded says it all to me. I do skip many posts because I think I could offer the OP nothing. There have been posts by those who have be-friended the BS, or have acted in ways I didn't feel able to accept, and I just moved on because I felt they needed someone who could better offer an objective viewpoint, and possibly some support.

 

And then there are debate-type threads (my favourite?!) where it IS a free-for-all and we can openly express opinions and exchange viewpoints and it not be aimed at an individual.

 

BEAUTIFULLY PUT!!!!!! I love the debate threads! They can be outlets for me to express opinions and say openly what sometimes is not appropriate elsewhere:)

[pureinheart]

I recall responding to someone who wanted to befriend the BS as a strategy within her affair. I, and a few others, tried to get her to think what it would feel like to be treated like that. After our posts, it seemed like she was backing away from that strategy - but who knows.

 

Do you think only people who "accept" the strategy of, for example, befriending the BS to advance the affair, should respond to such posts? Or, is that just your own approach and you do think others can usefully respond even though they don't agree with the OP's approach?

 

My question would be, was she hurting?

 

I think this thread is mainly addressing the mean, uncalled for responses, coupled with the continuous repetion of changing a persons core beliefs (thank you BB, good description).

 

I don't think giving helpful advice is wrong.

 

For me, I would bypass that type of post because "my" opinion would have been communicated (via other posts, provided the posts were respectful). It is then his/her choice to make.

[Silly_Girl]

Do you think only people who "accept" the strategy of, for example, befriending the BS to advance the affair, should respond to such posts? Or, is that just your own approach and you do think others can usefully respond even though they don't agree with the OP's approach?

 

I think it's possible others can offer valuable advice and support. However I think it's difficult to post about something of which (for example) one has no acceptance, experience, or empathy and yet offer something constructive - truly constructive. So if that scenario applies to me I leave it alone for someone better qualified.

[BB07]

It's not about changing core beliefs, that can only be done by the individual should they choose. I see what your getting at...

 

My question is is if an individual finds something, anything repugnant, why would they want to respond to begin with?

 

That's a good question Pure and more often than not I do stay away from some threads for that very reason, but that is me.

Some people enjoy debate/arguments. Some are working out their anger, some are just passionate about their beliefs, some want to convert, some just like stirring things up and then sit back and enjoy the show. There are a lot of different reasons as to why and no good answers. Sometimes it just depends on your feelings and mood on that particular day.

 

For me...I know I don't have the power to change ANYONE but ME. I am using this thread myself (and others Jennie has started in the past) to explore why "I" would even respond to anything if I can't support it in some fashion.

 

Now if there is a "discussion" about that subject that I find "repulsive", then I see that as a much different arena...that is the "place" for me to view my "opinion" concerning that particular matter.

 

If a poster wants/needs support, and it is clear they want to stay in the R, if a person cannot find anything in their post to encourage them, then why post at all? What is the motive for that?

 

It goes back to everyone having different viewpoints, different opinions and the site is a way to communicate whatever that may be. IMO if a poster wants ONLY one kind of support, then they should find a site that gives them what they need or create their own. Posters take what they can use and file 13 the rest......

[awkward]

My username is not a reflection of me. It is related to a TV show. If the TOS asked us to choose a username that reflects something about me, I would have went with Clumsy_Blonde. Too bad I can't change mine.