Respect others' choices

[Fieldsofgold]

You understand me, FOG. We agree on this.

 

Jennie, poor Tony probably nearly had a heart attack from that post! LOL!

 

I've been doing some serious thinking, both before and while this thread has been in progress. And I'm still thinking about it. Please bear with my ramblings.

 

(also, I've been thinking and writing for a while. So my post may be way out of sync with the current trend.)

 

First of all, I don't condone the typical affair. I think everyone here knows that. Some of you may have read my posts about how gut-wrenching my own experience as a BW was - just a nightmare. And the OW was a monster. This causes me to think about what the BS goes through in a lot of affairs. (I do realize that some BS are also monsters, and some marriages are not, so I do realize that not every situation fits the typical profile.)

 

Besides my personal experience, my religious beliefs, which are very important to me, don't condone affairs.

 

To the unapologetic OW:

 

That doesn't mean I can't care about you, the person. It should mean that I can listen and be concerned, if you choose to talk about your fears, doubts, needs or problems. It means I should love and care about you, even if I disagree with your choices. I can accept the fact that you have made your choices, even if I don't agree with them. It means that any responses I give should be from my heart - not simply pandering to my personal feelings or dogma, or saying what you want to hear.

 

I think we all need to remember that none of us are above reproach, and for those of us who are Christians, adultery, while quite serious, is not the unforgiveable sin.

 

And while I need to accept the fact that you chose an affair, you need to accept the fact that I don't. Not that we agree with each other's choices, but that we accept the fact that for now, those are the choices we each have made.

 

I think from that position, we can be supportive, and still maintain the integrity of our beliefs.

[pureinheart]

1st- That is a venture you shouldn't have taken. Not only do most OW not remind of the ow in my situation...they should thank God that they don't. She was a whole different level of person and I don't see those traits in most of the AP here.

 

2nd- why not say what you want as many times as you want the way you want. If that is an issue then the ignore button, Tony, let it roll off your back because these people mean nothing are all options to deal with this terrible scourge.

 

3rd-Beyonce is a bad actress, an even worse singer in a remake of a sorry movie.

 

4th-The way I post IS respect. It is what is going to be repectful for the situations that I post on. And the only level of support one will get from me is what I deem appropriate for what I think respect is. Not someone else's level of what I view is nothing more than censorship. Until there is a new security force that is appointed by Tony to ticket semantics and "beliefs of respect and support" I and I would suspect others(including yourself) will post as they see fit.

 

5th-we can agree to disagree.

 

Bold...:lmao:, If I posted the way I see fit I would have been banned when I first came back! There was no problem with this "back in the good old days"! So we should think first before speaking, at least I have to.

Edited November 24, 2010 by pureinheart

[OWoman]

And from what OWoman posted, it was WORSE back in the day, compared to now. So really....which is it? Better now or worse now? And isn't that subjective?

 

Not necessarily - some people have been around longer than I have (imagine that! ) I registered in September 2007 - during a patch which you yourself refer to as pretty hectic:

 

When I started coming here a couple years ago (I believe it was late 2007 or early 2008 when I first visited here), I saw a TON of fighting - a TON of it. To me, it is much more civil today than it was when I first started reading here.

 

...but even back then, people referred to the "old days" when there was a supportive community of OWs. Most of those have moved on - TC, JNRR, OE, Frannie, and others - which may in part explain why some of us who are no longer OWs feel the need to pop in here still and speak up for the invisible OWs who are too daunted to open their mouths. Even though I am no longer an OW, it's part of my history and so part of what made me who I am, and I am not going to allow that to be whitewashed or rendered invisible as long as there are other OWs still needing the space in which to speak. So, I guess, it's become more of a political than a personal quest for me.

[OWoman]

This is something for you to be proud of?

 

Absolutely!

[bentnotbroken]

Bold...:lmao:, If I posted the way I see fit I would have been banned when I first came back! There was no problem with this "back in the good old days"! So we should think first before speaking, at least I have to.

 

 

I said post as we see fit, not post what we really think. I don't post what I really think but it isn't necessary to get the point I want to make across....and yes I would have been banned the first week.

[Fieldsofgold]

I've yet to see that here, aside from a couple of troll posters who blew away as quickly as they arrived. Unless, of course, you're referring to the advice sometimes given to posters on the Marriage forum to suck it up and work on their Ms, when their Ms are clearly not good places to be? Or the advice given to people having a hard time at work to be grateful they have a job, and to keep at it and try to make it better? Or perhaps some of the religious nutters who advocate the indelibility of a first marriage, no matter how toxic, in the eyes of their favourite sky pixie?

 

Most of the advice given by OWs as well as by anyone else to other OWs whose As are damaging them is to get the hell out of it. But where an A is empowering, boosting and enriching the life of an OW, and is of real benefit to her, then who are you (general you) to decide that it's not in her best interests, and may be "damaging" her? It's her life, and her choice - and if something works for her, those of us at a distance cannot say in the absence of any evidence that it's harmful to her. That would be prejudice, and not support.

 

Sky pixie??? Sky pixie??? The bolded . . . "sky pixie" . . . Is that a reference to G-d?

 

Are you referring to the deity that someone else holds sacred as a "sky pixie"?????

 

And you want to be treated with respect??? You want people to treat others with differing values and belief systems with respect???

 

You were all over the board when I used the term "spazz out" while trying to encourage posters to be peaceable with each other. A term that was not used to denigrate anyone, and even after I apologized, you made a freaking federal case out of it - would not let it drop.

 

And NOW you want to refer to the deity of someone with different beliefs than you as a "SKY PIXIE?"

 

Therein lies the problem.

 

I do not belittle or trivialize the deities of anyone's else's belief systems, no matter how much I may disagree with their beliefs. I find your reference to the G-d in which I believe, or anyone else's diety for that matter, in such a belittling manner, to be beyond offensive.

 

You want respect -- you need to show respect. To mock or belittle a deity others hold sacred, is anything BUT respect.

 

That's just beyond offensive.

 

How ironic on a thread about respecting others' choices.

Edited November 24, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[Ellin]

IMO, they only have the power to hurt you (with their words) if you give them that power. If you invest too much of your own self into what others say (esp those that don't know you at all) I think it's a bad investment.

 

See, I've been the brunt of horrible rumors that could have been very hurtful to me personally if I gave any merit to what those who don't know me and don't love me believed about me because of those rumors. I value what my family and good friends think of me and I knew that they knew me well enough to discount anything they hear about me if it's out of character for me.

 

Normally I can deal with what other people say, but there are moments when I have a time of crisis - like anyone else - and that's when the support is most needed and then obviously one has to give some importance to what other people say or there is no point asking for their help at all.

 

I don't see a point, however, in sharing the details of my private or intimate life and difficult feelings I'm going through, if they will only be used by some posters to take their own frustrations out on someone (resulting in them walking all over me and my pain).

 

I personally don't want to put myself through that, if it's the price to pay for receiving good advice from some. It's just not worth it, as some of the things that go on here amount to bullying or more or less subtle forms of abuse. And it happens like with all types of abusers - "BECAUSE THEY CAN", hiding behind their usernames and perhaps fake personas.

 

If someone treats me bad IRL I can make them accountable for it or in the very least isolate myself from them while maintaining contact with all the people I want to be in contact with.

 

On the forum like this, however, people who act in a toxic manner will not suffer any consequences IRL and they can be as mean as they like, as long as it's cleverly disguised as being supportive or a morality fighter or something.

 

So I cannot keep away from them and at the same time keep in touch with kind-hearted members. If I want to avoid upsetting encounters I have to refrain from posting about my problems at all.

[Fieldsofgold]

I've yet to see that here, aside from a couple of troll posters who blew away as quickly as they arrived. Unless, of course, you're referring to the advice sometimes given to posters on the Marriage forum to suck it up and work on their Ms, when their Ms are clearly not good places to be? Or the advice given to people having a hard time at work to be grateful they have a job, and to keep at it and try to make it better? Or perhaps some of the religious nutters who advocate the indelibility of a first marriage, no matter how toxic, in the eyes of their favourite sky pixie?

 

In fact, as I re-read that whole first paragraph - it is pretty much dismissive and belittling of the advice that others have given - your clear implication is that it is wrong, or inferior, or "less than" - because it's advice you don't agree with. Where's the respect for differing views there?

 

I'm not arguing the merits of the advice - I have no involvement with those forums. I'm just saying that you are not respecting, and are even de-valuing, the views of others who don't jibe with you.

 

And you even stoop to name-calling --- "religious nutters?" That's somehow respectful, in your opinion? That's showing respect for the beliefs and views of others? That's going to somehow encourage others to be tolerant and respectful in return? For that matter, "nutters" is an extremely derogatory term for the mentally ill, is it not? If you can't respect the religious beliefs of others, at least show some respect for the mentally ill! And I'm not writing this from a sense of personal offense, because I don't agree with those religious views, either. But I'm not going to jeer their beliefs, or call them demeaning names.

 

OK, I need to take a deep breath here. OWoman, while I am using your post as an example, I am not attacking YOU. I generally agree, and respect what you say. But there are times when you get on my ever-lovin' last nerve. (as I am sure I do, too! No saints here!) And now that I think about it, it is probably these sorts of posts that irk us all from time to time.

 

I think a lot of this sort of subtle, and not so subtle, belittling goes on among most all the posters, from time to time, and it's never addressed, but it sticks in the craw of others, and the backlash comes out in their posts. And then it escalates, until there is a loss of respect, a breakdown of courtesy, and support for those whose choices we disagree with, is the unfortunate casualty.

 

I think we all need to take a long, hard look at ourselves, and the way WE personally respond to others, if we want to see respect and support on these forums.

Edited November 24, 2010 by Fieldsofgold

[someday]

I personally don't want to put myself through that, if it's the price to pay for receiving good advice from some. It's just not worth it, as some of the things that go on here amount to bullying or more or less subtle forms of abuse. And it happens like with all types of abusers - "BECAUSE THEY CAN", hiding behind their usernames and perhaps fake personas.

 

As is your choice, as we all have a choice to be here- on an anonymous internet forum- to share our situations and hopefully gain some perspective.

 

See, we all have a choice to be here or not. The way I see it is that this place, like a lot of other internet forums, attract all sorts of people. Some kind some not and some downright mean. We have the power of will to decide which words/thoughts we will take into our selves. As adults we should have the ability to sift thru the bull**** to find the wisdom that we need and apply it to our own situations in a meaningful way.

 

This is true of in real life too. We all have people in our lives that want to tell us what to do…they mean well but they don’t know the entire situations because we chose to not share the entire situation with them- because of their misguided ‘good intentions’ for us.

[oxfordsocks]

I would hate to think that someone used my one experience as an OW as a be all end all guide for them.

 

The number of posters here are such a very small sampling of experiences out there in the big bad world.

 

I take any judgment and offer any suggestion/opinion like i would offer a guest in my home a cup of tea(you can have it or not).

 

I don't judge as no one can truelly judge another persons life and actions. I also want to express that an opinion doesn't neccessarily mean a judgment. This life is soo short and filled with enough crap--take what you can from here--use what can help or offer solace or what may meet your needs and skip over the rest.

 

No one really "knows" anyone here and that in itself is what we are looking for --anonymity with comrades at this thing called life.

[thomasb]

In fact, as I re-read that whole first paragraph - it is pretty much dismissive and belittling of the advice that others have given - your clear implication is that it is wrong, or inferior, or "less than" - because it's advice you don't agree with. Where's the respect for differing views there?

 

I'm not arguing the merits of the advice - I have no involvement with those forums. I'm just saying that you are not respecting, and are even de-valuing, the views of others who don't jibe with you.

 

And you even stoop to name-calling --- "religious nutters?" That's somehow respectful, in your opinion? That's showing respect for the beliefs and views of others? That's going to somehow encourage others to be tolerant and respectful in return? For that matter, "nutters" is an extremely derogatory term for the mentally ill, is it not? If you can't respect the religious beliefs of others, at least show some respect for the mentally ill! And I'm not writing this from a sense of personal offense, because I don't agree with those religious views, either. But I'm not going to jeer their beliefs, or call them demeaning names.

 

OK, I need to take a deep breath here. OWoman, while I am using your post as an example, I am not attacking YOU. I generally agree, and respect what you say. But there are times when you get on my ever-lovin' last nerve. (as I am sure I do, too! No saints here!) And now that I think about it, it is probably these sorts of posts that irk us all from time to time.

 

I think a lot of this sort of subtle, and not so subtle, belittling goes on among most all the posters, from time to time, and it's never addressed, but it sticks in the craw of others, and the backlash comes out in their posts. And then it escalates, until there is a loss of respect, a breakdown of courtesy, and support for those whose choices we disagree with, is the unfortunate casualty.

 

I think we all need to take a long, hard look at ourselves, and the way WE personally respond to others, if we want to see respect and support on these forums.

 

 

I second every word except the respect. I cannot respect anyone who shows such blantant disrespect to over half the worlds population. And to think this thread was titled 'Respect others choices'.

Edited November 24, 2010 by thomasb

[NoLongerSad]

 

But where an A is empowering, boosting and enriching the life of an OW, and is of real benefit to her, then who are you (general you) to decide that it's not in her best interests, and may be "damaging" her? It's her life, and her choice - and if something works for her, those of us at a distance cannot say in the absence of any evidence that it's harmful to her. That would be prejudice, and not support.

 

You regard yourself as having been "empowered"?

[sally4sara]

Respecting other people's choices. Okay. And I do believe people can respectfully disagree.

It does make me wonder one thing though.

 

Who was respecting the choice of the person who tried to choose a committed relationship? It wasn't their partner. It wasn't the AP.

 

So it seems odd for a WS and an AP to get upset about others not respecting their choices. Maybe WS and AP can identify with BS in this way? If it stings you to know others disrespect your choice to be in an affair, you can understand how a BS could feel the marriage they chose was disrespected.

[Silly_Girl]

Respecting other people's choices. Okay. And I do believe people can respectfully disagree.

It does make me wonder one thing though.

 

Who was respecting the choice of the person who tried to choose a committed relationship? It wasn't their partner. It wasn't the AP.

 

So it seems odd for a WS and an AP to get upset about others not respecting their choices. Maybe WS and AP can identify with BS in this way? If it stings you to know others disrespect your choice to be in an affair, you can understand how a BS could feel the marriage they chose was disrespected.

 

Many posters have experience of 2, or even 3 of the roles you mention. Knowing how it feels does not always act as a deterrent and many situations are very, very different from one another.

[whichwayisup]

I would hate to think that someone used my one experience as an OW as a be all end all guide for them.

 

The thing is, there ARE some who offer support that would like their experience to be the be all end guide for OW. Atleast that's how it comes off sometimes, and seems to be implied, to me anyway.

 

I've been on LS for a while, the fighting and arguing, ego clashes aren't new. It comes and goes, depending on the crowd. This is TAME compared the past.

[Lauriebell82]

By "safe" I mean that OW (current and former) could post in this forum minus the mean statements, and have the ability to state their A's the way they are at that time. That posters would use good judgement when responding, using respect and saying it right...meaning, if there have been 10 posts that communicate "go NC, get out of the A" and the OP says, "I am going to stay in the A"...leave it alone and support the OPer without bashing due to disagreement with the A.

 

Yeah, but a lot of us (including me) do not want to condone or encourage an OW to knowingly continue an A. It's something that I won't do. If the OW decides she is going to stay I will not condone or encourage that, I will try to capitalize on something else she has said. I will never tell someone to do something that is hurting them or someone else. And yes, affairs hurt OW even though they don't always want to admit it. Who wants to spend time with someone they love and then have them go home to their wife? That to me would just be heart wrenching. But to each their own.

 

Now will I pressure the OW to leave after she has decided to stay? No. But I won't encourage or condone the decision.

 

I think this goes back to the definition of "support."

[jennie-jennie]

Respecting other people's choices. Okay. And I do believe people can respectfully disagree.

It does make me wonder one thing though.

 

Who was respecting the choice of the person who tried to choose a committed relationship? It wasn't their partner. It wasn't the AP.

 

So it seems odd for a WS and an AP to get upset about others not respecting their choices. Maybe WS and AP can identify with BS in this way? If it stings you to know others disrespect your choice to be in an affair, you can understand how a BS could feel the marriage they chose was disrespected.

 

It doesn't upset me if others disrespect my choice to be in an affair. That is not what this thread is about. It is about my belief that if you want to support somebody who chooses to stay in an affair, you need to respect that they have made a choice to be in it, otherwise you are unlikely to be able to give them the support they need.

Edited November 24, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[Lauriebell82]

It doesn't upset me if others disrespect my choice to be in an affair. That is not what this thread is about. It is about my belief that if you want to support somebody who chooses to stay in an affair, you need to respect that they have made a choice to be in it, otherwise you are unlikely to be able to give them the support they need.

 

But Jennie, like we have tried to point out, MAYBE it's not a wise choice to stay in the A and MAYBE it is hurting them. MAYBE the support they need is to challenged and to point out discrepancies in thinking. I'm not saying that they should be pressured to leave the A, but at least challenged. Again, back to the drug analogy. Nobody REALLY wants to quit drugs, but I'm not going to knowingly tell them to go ahead and use. They NEED to hear disagreement in order to stop using.

[fooled once]

In fact, as I re-read that whole first paragraph - it is pretty much dismissive and belittling of the advice that others have given - your clear implication is that it is wrong, or inferior, or "less than" - because it's advice you don't agree with. Where's the respect for differing views there?

 

I'm not arguing the merits of the advice - I have no involvement with those forums. I'm just saying that you are not respecting, and are even de-valuing, the views of others who don't jibe with you.

 

And you even stoop to name-calling --- "religious nutters?" That's somehow respectful, in your opinion? That's showing respect for the beliefs and views of others? That's going to somehow encourage others to be tolerant and respectful in return? For that matter, "nutters" is an extremely derogatory term for the mentally ill, is it not? If you can't respect the religious beliefs of others, at least show some respect for the mentally ill! And I'm not writing this from a sense of personal offense, because I don't agree with those religious views, either. But I'm not going to jeer their beliefs, or call them demeaning names.

 

OK, I need to take a deep breath here. OWoman, while I am using your post as an example, I am not attacking YOU. I generally agree, and respect what you say. But there are times when you get on my ever-lovin' last nerve. (as I am sure I do, too! No saints here!) And now that I think about it, it is probably these sorts of posts that irk us all from time to time.

 

I think a lot of this sort of subtle, and not so subtle, belittling goes on among most all the posters, from time to time, and it's never addressed, but it sticks in the craw of others, and the backlash comes out in their posts. And then it escalates, until there is a loss of respect, a breakdown of courtesy, and support for those whose choices we disagree with, is the unfortunate casualty.

 

I think we all need to take a long, hard look at ourselves, and the way WE personally respond to others, if we want to see respect and support on these forums.

 

I agree with both of your posts on page 18 FoG - both are excellent examples of lip service regarding respect or as in a major double standard regarding 'respect'.

 

I found the 'sky pixie' comment very offensive. I also thought the choice of the word 'nutter' when just a week ago, this exact poster had an issue with spazz. Sounds very hypocritical to me.

 

Not necessarily - some people have been around longer than I have (imagine that! ) I registered in September 2007 - during a patch which you yourself refer to as pretty hectic:

 

...but even back then, people referred to the "old days" when there was a supportive community of OWs. Most of those have moved on - TC, JNRR, OE, Frannie, and others - which may in part explain why some of us who are no longer OWs feel the need to pop in here still and speak up for the invisible OWs who are too daunted to open their mouths. Even though I am no longer an OW, it's part of my history and so part of what made me who I am, and I am not going to allow that to be whitewashed or rendered invisible as long as there are other OWs still needing the space in which to speak. So, I guess, it's become more of a political than a personal quest for me.

 

Yet you are the first to tell an OW who is not feeling respected or who is cow-towing to a MM to stand up for herself. I guess I am confused -- which is it? Isn't it about women demanding respect PERIOD in any relationship?

 

No idea why some OW don't post, but just because they don't post doesn't mean they don't get what they need from the site. Do you know for a fact that OW are here but are too daunted to speak? Again, is that putting down the site that Tony works so hard to maintain?

 

I was an OW too, but it sure as hell doesn't define me. NO WAY. I guess I don't understand your whitewashed comment -- you want to ensure OW know that you had an affair and you married him? To give OW hope that it can happen? Why do you feel the need to go to Infidelity and poke fun at betrayed spouses who are hurting? Is that to get back at BS's who don't condone affairs? If using your logic, maybe there are a bunch of BS's who are too afraid to post because of certain OW (current and former) who go into Infidelity and taunt them that their H isn't with them because they love them, but because they are an obligation, but not one he loves...because he clearly only loves the OW, even though he didn't 'choose' her when DDay happened. I don't understand the double standard of "stay out of "our" forum but we can go into your forum and poke at you". Talk about blatant disrespect.

 

And so I can continue to give them hope that LIFE GOES ON after an affair and that MM lie, since that is my experience, right? I mean, it is only fair, right?

 

Maybe those other former OW who you named found that they didn't need this site anymore? Maybe they found that being here was too hard for them? Maybe when their affair ended, they found a new love and had no need to be reminded of being an OW?

 

When I see an OW hurting, I try to encourage her to find happiness. If she is NOT content to remain the mistress and that is all that is offered to her, why would ANYONE encourage her to "hang in there"? why would anyone want to watch another person be in so much pain?

 

I think this thread has been beat to death. I am sure another one just like it will pop up in a few months

[Silly_Girl]

When I see an OW hurting, I try to encourage her to find happiness. If she is NOT content to remain the mistress and that is all that is offered to her, why would ANYONE encourage her to "hang in there"? why would anyone want to watch another person be in so much pain?

 

No one, and it's not at all what happens on this board.

[seren]

If we gave support for the person needing support as just another person, then we couldn't go far wrong. I mean that if someone is hurting, I can empathise with their hurt, or is having a tough time, then I can try to provide support about that. I find it hard to support someone who is in a situation of their choosing that is problematic, without some bias.

 

As an XBS, my experience of A's is tied up with hurt, pain, betrayal and dis respect. No happy, clappy, wonderful times, just pain. To expect that I (general) could read about how someone is enabling another WS to hurt another BS is difficult, to be told that the WS says x,y,or Z about their marriage while actually doing a,b,or c and then to be told that the x,y,z is the truth doesn't compute. To read that the BS is supposedly living in cloud la la land and that they don't understand the person they live with day by day for years, baffles.

 

For BS coming to LS to get insight, support or understanding, just reading all the A stuff hurts, so they try to stick to Infidelity forum, but even that has a plethora of hurtful posts, so over time you learn to ignore those posts, but in the early days you don't get the feel of the forum or certain posters views and so many BS scuttle off.

 

I can understand the pain many OW/OM feel, I have felt pain at being with someone I love. I don't condone or support A's, but I hope I can support the person. I would just like to see that support going both ways, it rarely does, but sometimes it does.

I don't get why people try to persuade Jennie that she is doing something wrong when she has clearly stated that she is happy with her situation. If people cannot accept that, well they will just be wasting their time. I don't agree with the A, but I respect her stand that it works for her. I would see it as selfish behaviour in myself, but that would be me talking about me. I don't always (rarely) agree with all the I know my (?) MM better than his wife thing, we all know people differently and we aren't always sure of which face being presented is the true face. But there you go.

 

If LS were to change into a ra ra sight for OW/OM then I think I would miss the understanding and support I have received from many an OW/OM and also gaining insight into A dynamics. Most of my PM's are from OW/OM. When you have been so hurt you thought you would die from it it and seen your children suffer because of it, is very hard to be objective, whatever side of the fence you sit, often people just want to provide their experience to prevent that hurt, often people who are happy in A's cannot see that it is possible for a marriage or relationship to appear happy, for the WS be the same happy loving person during the A to the BS - for the BS who has lived this, the capacity to support the OP would require a whole lot of out of bodyness(?).

 

Perhaps the answer is to support when asked, if there is, or cannot be any constructive support, then don't respond. I don't get the name calling, uncalled for and unnecessary, nor the gloating. There are websites for back patting or hating on the internet. Incidentally JJ, the OW/OM website is accepting new members, I just hope that you choose to stay here, while I don't agree with your take on A's nor your style (sometimes) I respect your right to say what you do.

(Apologies for JJ for writing about her and using her as an example)

[NoLongerSad]

It doesn't upset me if others disrespect my choice to be in an affair. That is not what this thread is about. It is about my belief that if you want to support somebody who chooses to stay in an affair, you need to respect that they have made a choice to be in it, otherwise you are unlikely to be able to give them the support they need.

 

 

Unfortunately for you, the world of other people is not like the fantasy world of an affair, wherein both of the participants are invested primarily in telling the other exactly what they want to hear.

 

All you are saying is that you think the entire world around you should buy into your affair, whether they think it's healthy or not; otherwise they're not "supporting" you. Except the problem with your reasoning is that no one else buy you (and your affair partner of course) is actually in your affair. Therefore no one else has any particular motivation to view your affair as something that is supposedly "positive."

 

It's interesting that you can't seem to understand this.

[fooled once]

No one, and it's not at all what happens on this board.

 

That's your opinion, not a fact.

[whichwayisup]

But Jennie, like we have tried to point out, MAYBE it's not a wise choice to stay in the A and MAYBE it is hurting them. MAYBE the support they need is to challenged and to point out discrepancies in thinking.

Exactly. If an OW losing 20 pounds, on 3 different meds, unhappy, depressed and not functioning, all because the A is taking a toll on her in such a negative and physical way, it's time to end it so the suffering can end. Love shouldn't be that hard to get, and when it f.*cks you up like that, it's time to say goodbye. To me, and this is just my opinion, I would never encourage an OW to hang on longer, to see what happens even though she loved her MM.

[pureinheart]

Same here.

 

I don't post on LS about my personal problems any more. When I did it in the past many posters were caring and helpful, but there were some who made me feel like I was their emotional punch bag, making me feel more upset than I had been before coming here for help.

 

I think these people are possibly cowards who enjoy the anonymity of the internet, whereas they would not dare to act in the same way if they were with me face to face. They do not have in in them to show respect for someone's pain when that person has gathered the courage to open up and they don't have it in them to understand that by opening up that person put their trust in other LS members.

 

It's a bit pointless talking about it, though, as these posters will never admit, maybe even to themselves, that they do not have the best intentions. They will forever maintain that they only have the good of the person they give "advice" to, or some greater good at heart.

 

Therefore I now turn for support only to people / places I feel safe with / in.

 

So yeah, I guess we can just conclude that this board in not really a place of support, contrary to its description.

 

 

Ellin, I totally agree with you, and in bold, I think most are true to form and that makes me sad because there is so much negativity and hatred.

 

I have very few I really open up to, really God is the only one.

 

 

 

IMO, they only have the power to hurt you (with their words) if you give them that power. If you invest too much of your own self into what others say (esp those that don't know you at all) I think it's a bad investment.

 

See, I've been the brunt of horrible rumors that could have been very hurtful to me personally if I gave any merit to what those who don't know me and don't love me believed about me because of those rumors. I value what my family and good friends think of me and I knew that they knew me well enough to discount anything they hear about me if it's out of character for me.

 

Rumors crack me up...me and a good friend started one about me and him where I used to work (retired from early)...we wanted to see how it would change after being passed on. It went all over the plant and had changed to unrecognisable form:).

 

Rumors are gossip...I hate gossip, you have to consider the source. Rumors and gossip are born out of fear.

 

As long as I am true to God and me, and being a person that is not mainstream anything, well, let's just say I have learned not to care what others think about me and it none of my business anyway:).

 

I guess some sixties babies tend to be like this, right Jennie...A big WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!