I fell in love with an ugly unemployed man and now he does not want "ME".

[newcommer]

I wonder if after reading this you will label me as psycho, deperate or normal. I fell in love with a man whose face I could not bare to look at when I first met. I know I am attractive and intelligent and men often tell me so, but I never date handsome men by choice. This man truly had features that make most people stare at me in bewilderment when I am with him. But his charm over powered me one day and his kiss was too delicious to resist. Now I see him as sexy. Come on help me out here. A man whose face has been damaged by pimples that are gone but left behind craters, whose feet are so uncared for they are just ghastly. Whose head has a huge ugly patch like scar that will not allow his hair to grow around it. He won my heart and now I am the one begging for his love and running after him. Now he does not want me. He says I am wrong, but it is how I feel. Right now I feel overwhelmingly defeated because although the man I love is presently a good friend/person I am dating, I know I have shown him too much insecurity for him to ever look at me as special (even though he denies that).

 

 

I fell in love with this unemployed man a year ago, who is still unemployed (I think he is too lazy to seek employment). We met off the internet, and strangely enough had more in common than I could have ever dreamed. I don't worry about his unemployment because he never bothers me about money and always goes out with me never complaining of finances (Although I gave him $200 today to answer all questions about how he sees me truthfully). Yes I know I lost it. I did lose it. But I just wanted answers as to why the men in my life all become my best friends and I can't seem to get out of my state of lonliness.he refused to hurt me. He swears I am thinking too negatively. I did this because I want to change next time around and know where I went wrong. He swears I could give him $10,000 and the truth is he sees me as beautiful and thinks I am normal and selfless always giving. He agrees I am emotional but says I need no counseling nor medication, nor therapy. He says my life has been surrounded by too many negatives and I only think the worst of myself and situations and I have to understand I am okay). He truly is not like most men. He is not the type of person to walk away form commitment. He is committed to being my friend. Yet at one time I knew he wanted more.

 

 

What is wrong with me? Why do I want so much to be a part of his life knowing he does not want me. Knowing not only is he all wrong for me he is all wrong for his kids. His house is in shambles. His place is badly damaged even though it is a house it is simply in desperate need for repair and furniture. His kids are always cutting class and in detention. Even though he is unemployeed and home. Is my self esteem so low or do I just see his heart and his personality and overlook all? He is 15 years my senior. He definately has more experience in most areas than I ever could and this is why he easily manipulates the relationhip to suit his needs no matter how I tell him my desires. I am an educated woman with a Ph.D and have my own money, although I still live with my parents who hate him and won't let him in my house due to the fact he is in his forties and I am 15 years younger. They also think he is trying to damage me because he is white and I am black. He prefers black women although his ex-wife is Hispanic.

 

Our connection is uncanny. Very, very strong. We met to be travel partners and the connection was so strong we became more. Silly me I thought he was my knight and shinning armor although I am too damn smart to ever before believe a man would whisk me away and rescue me. But he made me believe or hope, and the hope was all in my head.

 

I was very sheltered and therefore don't always act the way people think young single women should. I am more antisocial and independent than most. I met this man, and we went every where and engaged in so many wonderful activities (Plays, walks on beaches you name it). However, 7 months later, he slowed down all of this and began claiming he had to get into his kids. He has two teenage children he has sole custody of because his ex did not want the responsibility. I never met his kids.I see him, but we hardly go places anymore. Yet if I need him for anything he is there for me. He is always there for me. He has seen me cry rivers begging him to take me out more. I embarrass myself the way I cry. But always he is so gentle and so understanding, but so uncompliant. It is not a relationship built on sex for we do not have sex often.

 

We talked until we were both blue in the face, he will always talk and always listen and always respond. However, it does not help. Despite our connection he wants us to be friends forever. He is not sure where this relationship is heading and does not feel he knows where his life is headed. I never been in love before. At the age of 31 I never even been kissed by a man the way he kisses me. I know he is my first love although I was in two long term relationships. One for 9 years and one for 7 years. I keep long relationships. He is the first man, I feel like I am a psycho I am so desperate for his love. He loves me, he is passionate and kisses me as if there were no other woman more beautiful. But he is detached. What do I do? How do I move on from a situation I feel lost in? I need to be loved. I never knew that until I met him. I fear I won't find someone who can be as patient and overwhelmingly supportive as he is. i fear I won't ever meet another man who does not make me feel sexually pressured and can understand me as odd as I am. I am afraid of this and really am reluctant to cut the ties and He doesn't want me to cut the ties, only to accept that he needs to figure out his life and can not make me any

[Realist]

"I fell in love with an ugly unemployed man"

 

 

well theres your problem. everybody knows you should only fall in love with handsome men with jobs.

[newcommer]

Yeah, but that damn heart

[Wolfie]

First, I don't know anything.

 

Second, if I were in your shoes, I'd try to make him jealous; make him see how he needs to do something to keep you.

 

Well, actually I wouldn't do that were I in your shoes; I just don't do much of anything.

[FreeMe]

I think you are too good for this guy. You should stop seeing him. Your self-esteem seems very low and you should get yourself into counseling.

[jmargel]

Seems like you have a passive-dependency on this guy. Which is 'Your life exists only around him'. You could also possibiliy seeking a father figure sub-consciously through him. Looking for his approval. He's not being supportive if he's telling you he wants out. Like the other poster said, sounds like you have low self esteem, and basing your own self-worth on this guy's approval for you.

 

You need to break all contact from this guy, and start doing things in life that you enjoy. You can't 'fix' him, he needs to do that himself. You should also get into counciling, and also activities that boost your self-confidence, such as martial arts, etc.. Also set short term goals that don't include him.

[Spastic_Gramps]

I agree with FreeMe. You have portrayed yourself as an educated, attractive, and young woman. Despite being sheltered or whatnot you are hooked up with a looser (IMO from what you have said). You deserve and can get a lot better than him. Your uncanny attraction to him right now might be fueled by your need to be loved and not alone (I'm guessing here). Either way your leagues beyond this guy and no matter how shy or sheltered you are, you can find someone whose heart bleeds for you everyday. Cause if his doesn't then you need to stop wasting your time.

[newcommer]

It is so hard to believe in yourself when you allow tyourself to believe waht those in the past have told you. I do have low self esteem I know that. I can travel the world, buy jewlry, keep expensive collections and as a good friend of mine said, "It is only temporary relief to tell yourself you think your special".

 

I am not sure if counseling can help me. After all your advice is counseling, friends advice can be. Sometimes we know our own dilemas and still have trouble taking action. No couseling can help your fear.

 

I have never had a healthy relationship. I had men who love me and all the men including him want to be and are my best friends. But a true relationship I never had and would not know how to meet a man or a person to show me. I always go for the underdog. The outcast and then get hurt when they reject me. I know my esteem is shot. Trust me, people always envy me. They think having money and an education is the end all to be all, but I trade it all for a solid and loving relationship.

[kara]

newcomer,

funny how I just posted something about falling in love with an ugly one, right before seeing your post... I really feel for you, I know exactly how it is to look for the person at some corner alone, when everyone else is having fun at the party. But I have experienced unexpected reactions from people when trying to look out for them, they just tell you to leave them alone sometimes and if you look closely you will understand, they have their human pride as well, they hadn't asked for my help afterall.

I would say, calm down. Take time off this person, limit your contact to minimum, as difficult as it might be, just try. You might feel kicks in the stomach, shortness of breath and cry yourself to sleep, but try not to see this guy as often, please don't hate me for telling you this. I am not saying stop loving or wanting him, just limit contact to minimum and try doing things on your own. Finally, I think very important, read about co-dependency (usually a residue from growing up with an alcoholic parent, I am not sure if this is valid in your case).

[newcommer]

NO, I am not offended by your remarks. I on the contrary think your correct. I simply have trouble following that advice without feeling like my world caved in.

 

You see I am very independent, and very much a loner. However, a loner who likes to have at least two of three friends in my life. No more than that. But even with those friends, I don't see them often so I am alone. My point being, He can easily go without calling me and talking to me. He after all been through and survived a divorce. He has more experience than I could ever have in a relationship. He had more relationships than I have. What he can handle as a father with two teenage children to worry about, I can not. He can't afford to break down or think about me like that. He has responsiblities. So putting a distance between us and not calling I don't think affects him. It only affects me who feels alone and begins to want to talk to him.

 

I think that is why I am writing. How do I do this? How do I let go? He is a terrific friend and values our friendship. I just know in order for me to break loose of this fantasy we are a couple I need to break free of his kisses and his powerful way of making me feel so wonderful and loved when we are together.[color=darkred][/color]

[amerikajin]

I think this is a classic case of a woman wanting the guy she can't have.

 

You said you're pretty, so my guess is that you're used to guys kissing your @ss. This one doesn't. This one stands up to you or doesn't get all frustrated and huffy whenever you push him on something. This is the first guy you see on "your level", someone you respect. The respect factor makes everything else about him sexy.

 

You said you don't date handsome men. Why not? Insecure? Maybe you like average guys because you like being the one with the walk away power. Yet maybe you like the guys who are just confident enough to not feel too uncomfortable in your presence. Perhaps this guy was just more confident and less needy than you ever imagined he would be, and as a result, he took you by surprise and now you want him more than you ever have.

[newcommer]

Unfortunately your very much wrong about everything you wrote. How could I not know from the start he is independent and strong. The man took custody of his kids and raised them into the teen years. He was the parent and his ex bore little to know responsibilities. How could any man like that be weak in anyones eyes? How could any woman? It takes strength and a sense of self to do that.

 

He is the only man I ever fell in love with. We are equals and I do not enjoy when a partner is not equal to me. I like the power, but I also like giving it. I like taking turns . So I can not agree with anything you wrote at all.... I liked him from the beginning because he had all the things I did not like strength and maturity. In many ways in the beginning I looked at him as the father I wish I had. Then in other ways I felt like his child (he is much older than me and looks older than he is). I later liked him because we were so compatible and shared so much. He is my oposite in all the ways that count. He is positive where as I am negative. His energy and his outlook overpowers my negativity and I always feel so happy around him. I am only sad and miserable when we are apart and I realize things have changed. But when we are in each others company I can not stay upset. It is impossible when I am so happy to be in his company. My problem is I am too deep. Far too deep and it's because when I got to know him I realized he is everything I ever wanted in a partner.

[jenny]

because i am perpetually concerned about money, this frightens me, frankly:

 

Although I gave him $200 today to answer all questions about how he sees me truthfully

 

particularly when it sounds like you do not have it to spare (living in your parents' house, etc)

 

i see many educated women who are not terribly intelligent when it comes to discerning men who are good for them. this man is not for you. i know that sucks, and hurts, but something is very, very, wrong here.

 

he is, frankly, not worthy, and your longing for him will only serve to lower you, not uplift him.

 

this is a very strange situation. i hesitate to write to you, becaue it is clear you are in the hyper-defensive period of love, but your text. is. alarming. i have no information but what you have given me, and i think this is a very one-sided, imbalanced, and problematic relationship. i think you have 'grateful and needy meal ticket' written all over you, and that hurts me to see.

 

educated women tend to think ourselves protected from the everyday fallacies of romance: we are not. you are not. you are making a big mistake.

[newcommer]

Ah, I think love makes smart people and men and women and all types just do things that they normally would not. The money was because he had hurt me with something he said. He said I was his friend. He introduced me to another female as his friend not his girlfriend. When I asked him about that later on he said he is too confused about his life to make any commitments. I am the only woman he is seeing and wants to see but he does not know what he wants right now. For the first time I really knew I lost him and I got the money because if I die today or tommorrow, and I had a will I would will him and others my money, so why not give him money while I am alive and say, look I value your words enough to pay you, help me understand where I went wrong, what I do wrong and why I am so abnormal. How do others see me? Why is it that all the men in my life have always been my friends and technically I never had a boyfriend, just long term friendships. What is wrong with me? But the money was wasted because he ony had nice and positive things to say about me. The only negative was I ask too many questions and I can be a pain, but he loves me.

 

I kind of wish he were cruel and hurtful. Then pulling awy would be easier. However he is always so kind. Today my car needed serious repairs and he drove me all the way out to the dealer 20 minutes from where I live and then from the dealer to work and picked me up from work. My car needs to stay over night and He agreed to do it again. Don't ask why my parents are not doing this!!! As much as my nagging should drive him up the wall, he is always so kind. He called me up and said he was at the supermarket and he wanted to know if there are any items I needed picked up. He is not in love with me the way i am in love with him but I know he cares very much for me.

 

His disposition is always so sunny that it is hard for me to stay pessimistic. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to break free of someone you know is not good for you in certain respects, yet they are always trying to show you in small ways how they care. He could have pushed me away. He could have cut me off entirely. He does not. He does not lead me on into thining he is in love with me, but he also does not show he is not attracted to me or that he does not care for me. It is really a hard place to be in. Harder when the person is gentle and passionate and at the same time he treats you like a lady and never oversteps.

 

Yeah I agree the $200 thing was desperate. I was desperate. I forced him to take the money. I did not want him to give it back although he insisted over and over. I wanted him to tell me things honestly and truly was histerical enough to believe that without that money I could not be certain if he were sugar coating his words. I know that was dumb but I felt my world caving in and....the smartest of people normally are the dumbest and most irrational.

[jenny]

he is cruel and hurtful. he is just better at it than most.

 

your standards are too low regarding male behaviour. so he does some nice things - so what? this is no reason to be in love with him. as you move out into the world, you might begin to take men doing small nice things for you more for granted - they certainly should *not* occasion love and investment everytime.

 

so, he wants to be your friend. treat him like a male friend. do not give him any more money. let him call you, chase you, want you. give him him absolutely no more booty, of any kind. he is a loser, you know this, objectively, now live it. it will take some discipline, but use the skills you got in school, the discipline of studying, to decide that this is a destructive behaviour and cut it out. now.

 

value yourself. you know better.

[Sundaymorning]

im just shocked you offered a dude 200 bucks to tell you the truth...........and he took it.....

[newcommer]

I have no reason to be dishonest, after all I posted this problem due to the fact it is a problem. I can't try and find answers and help if I am being false. I don't particularly enjoy running after a man or making myself look desperate even though he says I don't. I know how I am behaving. At this point I think love has turned into a need to hold onto my "Playmate". I know that I am really having more trouble accepting all the fun we had as "friends" and later as intimate friends, slowly dissipated and I wonder how on earth I messed up. He says stop blaming myself it is he who is a mess and needs to sort out his life. I think I just can't believe how he fought so hard to have me become a part of his life. Needed me so much and tried so hard to break me out of my shell. He knew I had dated my ex for 8 years and the relationship was toxic. He knew I was just finding myself and trying hard to find strength in being alone. He kept saying he wanted to help and I kept pushing him away.Pushing until finally I trusted him like I trusted no other man and broke slowly out of my fear of sex, fear of intimacy, uncomfortable feeling of holding hands with people and even shaking hands. He worked so hard to ease me into feeling safe and showing me how to feel beautiful and sexy. He literally helped me see myself so differently. Then, he drew back months later (being unemployed still) and he used his unemployment as an excuse. Saying he was so depressed even though he is cheerful and smiling. He said he was in no position to want to go to plays and walk the beach and to feel okay and he did not know what he wanted from life.

 

In a way this blew me away! Why did he try so hard to push his way in my life knowing that I was loving my first time in years being without a man in my life? Why did he try so hard knowing because I held nothing back, that I was suffering, but celebrating my passage into understanding me and working at being totally man free? Why did he want to help me when I told him I needed to do it on my own? Why did he put up with all the terrible treatment my parents gave him? After finally being kicked out of my house for being too old, too poor and not right in their eyes for me, why did he still treat them with the highest respect? Knowing that I was raped and that I did not value myself or even think I was capable of kissing or making love properly, why did he patiently help me ease into feeling safe around him and letting go of my fears? Why did he do all of this just to tell me down the line he does not know what he wants in his life? I feel as if I have been made the biggest fool of in the world and yet I still love him. Tell me, aren't I being the selfish one when he clearly is not in the least bit "Getting Rid" of me. He still is very much in the picture and interested, just not like in the past. So tell me, why can't I just be happy with that and leave well enough alone? That is such a problem for me. Why must I low rate myself into thinking or hoping he did not take advantage of my weak state? I mean I can't think of him as so cruel when he knew how I had suffered and all the mental abuse i went through in my past. Why would he want to add to that? He did not. he is too kind hearted to do that. So I just am not understanding that he is only pulling away because he is upset he is unemployed. But then I am not a IGNORANT WOMAN AM I? I mean who stays unemployed for a year with a partial retirement, two teenage children, a house which he showed me he has sole ownership of, property in Florida, a new car he bought three months ago, and new home appliances he just bought. I AM NOT DUMB. I AM JUST not piecing together a logical way of sympathizing with him without feeling like this explanation he gives is bull**** and I have been rejected and used. He refuses to allow me to believe that, so it makes everything so confusing. Confusing especially because he is so kind.

 

That hurt so much because I trusted him enough to try and meet him half way and when I finally fell deep in love, he drew back. I feel alone even though he is still in my life. I feel upset my playmate is gone and I am left with a man who seems to ration his time with me. He never misses a holiday or does not come to me when I need him most, but despite this, everything changed for the worst and I feel as if I am almost back with my ex. Meaning my old relationship was one of never seeing my boyfriend and....I can't believe I left one man and months later the new one took over the old man's place of not being there for me as a boyfriend.

[kara]

Hi there,

precisely because of all you wrote you should stay away from him untill the smoke subsides and things become clearer. You MUST try a councelor, even without insurance they cost about $50 a session, so you could still pay to someone to tell you the truth, if that pleases you and this time really get something out of it. Just a thought...

[sami]

Good luck. Haven't you ever heard of the famous saying: "... Loving Eyes Are Blind". Just go ahead and enjoy the ride. It doesn't matter how he looks if you really love him. Try to work out your differences. Good luck.

[jmargel]

newcommer I commend you for getting as far as you have, since you been through so much in your past. Sounds like you finally let someone into your heart, and he took control of it. Why would be buy so many things if he's unemployed? Does he need the money? Some people base their self-worth on their job. I was very successful as a IT Director for quite a few years, when it was all taken away from me. It made me feel truly worthless. I was so bored being at the house all the time, and all my education felt like it was going to waste. I'm the type to have to keep my mind busy. What kinda job did he have before? How long have you been with him? Has he been looking for work? It sounds like he is depressed and maybe what made him happy for awhile was to help you with your problems.

 

Sounds like he needs therapy and if I were you I would recommend this to him. But you can't fix him, and I know it sucks and it hurts to feel 'used' like this but sometimes it's not meant to be. From what I've been reading, he wants to be on the right track before pursuing more with you. While I was unemployed I wouldn't date anyone, I would feel like dirt if I did that. It's just the way how I look at myself. Most men want to be the provider and without a job maybe he feels he's not good enough for you.

 

Just whatever you do, don't close your heart back up. There are no guarantees in life. Life doesn't come with an instruction manual, so its not like you know what is coming up ahead of you. Keep your chin up, you've done nothing wrong.

[newcommer]

Jmargel, in answer to your post. Thanks, but do you really think I was so smart to finally let someone into my heart? Do you honestly think I have done nothing wrong? I somehow wind up in a similiar position to my past. My past where I never see the man and we become phone pals. In the past this was my choice. I dated men from different parts of the world. But I wanted out of that lonely mess I put myself in. I was so happy I met this man and I changed my pattern and he helped take the fear out of me. He knew my pain and worked with me. Why did I lower my defenses? I think it may have been the most foolish thing I ever did. How did I change the type of man I date yet still wind up with the old familiar non-availiable partner. Although he does not treat me like a child, I often think since he compares me to his daughter he thinks of me as one of his responsiblities. Perhaps he is decided I am to much to handle, even though he protest this.

 

You asked, what type of job did he have. Well he told me about many he has had. The one he gets his partical retirement from is from being a former cop. He latest job was as airport security. He was laid off January of last year. I met him March of last year. In two weeks we would have known each other for a year. Not long most especially in comparison to my other relationships, yet in no time he won my heart.

 

I don’t think he looks very hard. I don’t pry into his buisness and he does not speak his buisness. However, when I am working during the day, I think he is sleeping until his kids get home at 2:30p.m. He can sleep all day long. This is an area we are not compatible with since I am an early morning person and go to bed very early. I offered to even help him get employment at my job, because we need security and he is licenced. However, he shows no interest. He wants back his old job. In all honesty he is lazy. If I were him and in his position, I would be thanking God for all my blessings. Thanking God for giving me a girl and a boy. Thanking God to have relationships with others after being divorced and seeing my ex re-marry. I would be doing home repairs and making home improvements, not letting things fall apart and pile up. I do admit, I love him, but I don’t get how he can not see his blessings. I don’t tell him this, only that he is blessed and only that God graced him with the good fortune of having two beautiful kids and the ability to still support his family although he is not working. I have told him he must iron his clothing and stop going out in wrinkles. But I don’t ever try and change him. I accept him.

[newcommer]

I am reading all of your replies and responses and It just amazes me how us humans go through this stuff.

 

As I reread some of the comments I see how I am a complete idiot. I see how it is amazing others did not write, "Get a life you dumb >>>>>>>". Pathetic, yet it does not stop you from feeling a slight depression and wishing things would be different. I wish we did not feel so strongly and that all people could walk away from Toxic situations as readily as others. But we can not all do that. Some people are lucky and can walk away and never look back. Others of us get knots in our stomachs and feel like we are so alone. Thank God for this site! Thank God for great people with the hearts and compassion to want to take time out and write and help!

[Phantom-of_the-opera]

It is so strange how men can seem to be so close to you. They will chase you and love you and when they get the prize (Whatever they deem that prize is) they will then run away. I think it is wonderful that this man wants to hang on and keep some kind of relationship. Work on that part, heal yourself and perhaps something incredible will happen for you both. What do you think? Can you try that? Then ask him to give you half the money back (laugh)!!!!!

[newcommer]

cool log in name, I seen the play in London and here as well.

[newcommer]

Just an update. I decided to head out to church. Have not been there in quite some time. I truly recieved many answers to many question. I am not sure why, but I felt a sense of power come back to me.

 

M finally picked up the phone and agreed to meet me yesterday. It was clear he was willing to hear me, but his posture eas in defensive mode. He was ready for a confruntation. I was not going there. My mission was to forgive him and I told him I do not care why he was not talking with me. I hugged him tight and told him I want to break up I can no longer handle him. He seemed upset. I don't know why. Maybe he figured me calling him 100 times asking him to return my calls was a sign I could not get enough of him. I called feeling horrible I may of said somthing to hurt him and wanted to make things right.

 

He asked me if he could have 24hrs to think about things. I said "No". Your in no posititon to give me the love I need. I have to find that love for myself. I need time and you need time to get yourself together. We agreed to be friends and reevaluate the situation down the line if we decide maybe we can get back together.

 

I think I have accepted that as much as I love him, I am not willing to be played a fool again. I don't know if he can change. He says he wants his space to get himself together and then be what I need, but I think it's all talk. I know we will be good friends.

 

He suprisingly gave me back the $200. I had not asked for it back. He said, "His advice is free". We kissed and now I am ready to start getting back myself. Finding who I am and perhaps even going to church again. It seems dI have a lot to work on and it get's so tough. But I think Love Shack and most definately the word of God truly knocked some sense into me. It is amazing the power of the church. Even when you stray away, there is healing in the word.

 

I will log on every now and then, but I wanted to just update you.