I fell in love with an ugly unemployed man and now he does not want "ME".

[jmargel]

Thanks for the update. Sounds like he was just expecting you to keep calling, etc.. Now he perhaps realizes that you aren't going to be around and he could be missing out on a really good thing. Keep going to church, it sounds like a safe place to let your heart grow. One thing god won't do is break your heart.

 

I can't guarantee you that the next guy you meet and perhaps fall for might not hurt you. I wish I could tell you otherwise. We can't predict the future. But we only have one life. Either love with all of our hearts and risk being hurt, or stay closed up and have the fear of rejection rule your life to be a lonely one. There is also a time where you say 'enough'. That you tried your best in a relationship and that you can't change somebody. They have to be wanting to change themselves. You don't get any extra bonus points in heaven if you were to hang onto this guy for the next 30 or 40 years trying to save himself. Sometimes the tough love is the best cure.

 

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Start doing things to make yourself happy, whether it be shopping, working out, going to church, whatever you feel like doing. You have a lot of great qualities about you, and alot of times guys might not approach you because you may seem to be out of their league. When I was single and if I saw a beautiful woman I would think either she's out of my league, or she's taken. With my current fiancee, I thought the same but then decided 'what the heck'. I have nothing to lose.

 

But it's not your fault that you are good looking, etc.. Only suggestion is if you see a guy you are interested in, you might have to make the first move. Just a 'Hi, how are you?', etc.. should be enough for a guy to pick up on some signals.

[overseas2004]

Strong he is??? I am sorry but being left with two kids is something that happened to him. YOu said that as far as raising them he has not done a good job. They are always cutting class and in detention. His house is in a shambles and he is unemployed. So he is not a provider of peace, comfort, or money for his children HIS OWN FLESH AND BLOOD. And you expect him to be nicer to you. Laughable... really.

 

When my father passed away, I was 15 years old. My mother was left with 100,000 dollars in debt. She was working at a job that stressed her out and exposed her to the various illnesses she was experimenting with on animals on a daily basis. She had two children 6 and 15. My father died in an accident and left her a young widow of 42. She kept our house clean, we went to school, and she worked a night job to keep the food on the table. That is a strong woman.

 

The person you are describing is so far away from strong or courageous. Sorry hon ... you can convince yourself .. but not me.... because I have my eyes wide open adn you obviously don't.

 

I dont mean to be nasty just to be truthful. But I get a little angry at all this idealizing this guy gets.

[Arabess]

No matter what a relationship story is....it always come down to the end result. It's really the only thing that matters. Appearances, his lack of a job, his previous problems, etc.....really aren't the issue.

 

The real issue here is that this man does not want a committed relationship with you. He does NOT feel about you, like you feel about him.

 

This puts you in a position of having to be honest with yourself and realizing this is the end of one chapter in your life....and it's time to move on to the next chapter.

 

Anything other than that, will only cause you continual pain and feelings of low esteem. Go to chruch....meet you a nice guy who can appreciate you for what and who you are.

 

I really do hope you find it within yourself to move on.

[newcommer]

jmajel you said,

You don't get any extra bonus points in heaven if you were to hang onto this guy for the next 30 or 40 years trying to save himself.

 

That was and has been my whole damn problem for years. I THOUGHT I HAD TO SUFFER TO GET AHEAD. I struggled through so many things in my life. Fighting cancer, being in a wheel chair for three years with every doctor so sure I would not ever be able to walk properly again. Doctors telling me I had only a little less than a month to live before I died of cancer. Man, if I tell you how much I have felt I MUST SUFFER.

 

For after finally seeking eastern treatment, I no longer had cancer nor were specialist finding any cancer. I suddenly could walk and never needed a wheel chair again.

 

I always assumed I had to suffer in order to prove I really belived in something. I think that is why I felt the release at church when I heard the preacher say, "christ died so we do not have to suffer. It is the devil that tells us we must suffer in order to prove ourselves." This statement made all the difference in me. For until I heard those words, I felt as if I were meant to go through my pain. The problem was, I came on LS because it was becomming overwhelming and too much to bare.

 

As for OVERSEAS message. I do/did idolize him to an extent.Me not having children, etc., thought he at least provided a house over their head (be it falling apart, dirty or unkept), clothing, money in their pockets, etc. I guess in a way I thought it was quite remarkable that a man would take on such repsonsiblity. My parents however always felt he took the kids from thier mother who was not American until they married and probably manipulated her into beliving she was unfit. they feel no mother would just give over their kids.

 

I don't know. I know she lives right around the corner from them, she has remarried and I have always told him I hate the way he talks to her. The mother of his children should be treated with dignity and respect. Ahe yells at her and fights with her. I hate hearing him speak to her and I dislike things I heard his kids say by phone about her. So your right, my eyes have not been too open. But most of that is not having so much experience and teaching in a district where these parents don't seem to give a damn about their kids. I have students with no hot water, with bug bites all over their body, kids being raised by kids. I guess where I work the situations are so disfunctional, I JUST found his caring to be amazing for a single father with no job.

[overseas2004]

And there sweetie is another indication of what a horrible person he is. The children have such problems because he is such a bad father. He is unstable, unreliable, not loving etc... to them and like I said they are "HIS FLESH AND BLOOD". And then it breaks my heart that they speak so horribly to their mother. Granted she is not a great person either. A truly good mother could never let herself be run away by a jerk father. But god knows what kind of adults they will become.

 

I used to have a neighbor when I was a law student many years ago who was a single father. He left his young children alone often and they used to come down to my house to play with me so they would not be alone. They were such good kids even though their father was terrible. I used to feel so bad for them. Then one night I caught their father in a tree video taping me through the window. God awful. I had to call the police because he had his 5 year old in the tree with him. The police raided his apartment and found over 150 tapes of women being taped (some knowingly some unknowingly). A few weeks later I moved out of that apartment. It was just so scary to stay there because he only got 30 days jail time and was free to come back and live above me. Well to make a long story short, I never forget the little girls face when she ran into me in the hall before I moved. She stopped and looked at me. I am sure she was told some mean things about me because she looked confused and hesitant. I was feeling so horrible about the traumas her awful father had in store for her. She was only 7...... I just stopped and I said "you know I always will love you". Tears sprang to her eyes because she knew that I was not a bad person based on the way I had always treated them when they were over at my house. She hugged me and I never saw her again. I will never forget her face that day for as long as I live.

 

See this man of yours he is not so bad. But he has created monsters out of his children with his lack of care and love towards them. So you really don't want someone like this in your life, having sex with you, and also one day ultimately creating traumas for you.

 

OK I am now going on overkill....

 

 

But anyway the important thing now is that you have your eyes wide open too. YOu can do much better.

[newcommer]

See this man of yours he is not so bad. But he has created monsters out of his children with his lack of care and love towards them. So you really don't want someone like this in your life, having sex with you, and also one day ultimately creating traumas for you.

 

OK I am now going on overkill....

 

I thank you overseas for your comments. I do not think you are going into overkill, and I do not minimize what you say. I only approach life differently. Perhaps it is my background with knowing people from all over the world. I simply know that life is NOT GOOD AND EVIL. Life is a mixture and there are gray areas. Just as many argue the devil is not al bad. The devil is a fallen angel who sees and approaches things differently from God, but not necessarily is the devil pure evil if evil at all.

 

My point is as we are all human and "To err is to be human, to forgive devine", I can not look at people as totally "Dysfunctional". I think we all have our gifts and our attributes. I stay away from those who are not like me in certain aspects. I am not a "Social Butterfly" outside of work. I do not want nor have any friends (by choice). My time is spent more solo. I am with me. However, I am very much the center of attention and the one who brings life to group conversations. One could not tell I was so introverted in my everyday life. I say that to say, dispite my aloneness, I love people and I feel even the worst offenders have much to offer and therefore are beautiful. I know, someone who rapes and kills can't be so great. I know, but sometimes people have sicknesses. Mental instability. This is a human malfunction that we must all stay away from and run. That does not mean that once that person was not loveable. Unfortunately the brain is not made of diamond material and therefore can be damaged. Sadly we must turn away from that type of sick person, but for the one who just makes wrong choices and is not all together in themselves we should take compassion and pity upon them.

[Kate]

you seem to give great advice -- the advice i can give to others, but not myself...just the way it goes. i have a question -- i had an incredible guy who i think i ruined it with my acting insecure, needy and a little jealous. we had a huge falling out last night, but about what, i dont even know! i am upset because i want him to start chasing me...and i find it hard to make him come to me. please keep in mind that there is nothing wierd about us...except me being emotionally needy. i am not too obvious about it, but it eats me alive inside. i am always fearing rejection. do you have any tips for grabbing his attention the RIGHT way? after I potentially COMPLETELY ruined our relationship last night? i was out right drunk and mad at him for NO reason at all...just because he wasn't smothering me and offering me the world. please help if you can.

[newcommer]

Kate, I got your email to me and I want to post on here so others can perhaps help you as they helped me. Look I can’t help myself for the world, but let me tell you something. Stop it now! I am a strong believer in forgiving. I may isolate myself from people when they hurt me, I may walk away from situations that I felt betrayed by, but I 100% believe in letting go and moving on. I don't care for anyone who is not capable of letting go of hurt and dissappointment. I am not talking about letting go like I am hurting, I am talking about staying upset and not speaking or holding something against someone. I don't do it, and I don't allow it to be done to me. I feel if you can't forgive and try and talk and try and move past things, then you are not on my level and therefore not worthy of my respect. For no man should judge or condemn another in my opinion. It's Easter, remember the famous scripture, "Let he without sin cast the first stone".

 

You say that guy will not stand for inappropriate behavior from you. Well you generalized and said, "Guys". What are you a child? What are you an infant to be punished? Let me tell you something, if you have to always be on your peas and cues he is not worth it. Your human. God loves you and Jesus died for you. You are unique, an idividual. Your quirks make you who you are. If anything your inappropriate behavior should make him shake his head but love you more. We can’t always be good and we darn sure should be allowed to let go and feel comfortable.

 

I don’t know what it is about men not wanting to get close and have sex. I have exceeded my share of this happening to me Kate. Trust me. My ex who is my bestfriend hardly ever wanted to have sex with me. My present who has drifted away and is leaving me all messed up in the head so I turned to Love Shack, even refused me when i drove him to a hotel and paid. I wanted it to be a break up type of last time let’s have sex thingy. Oh he was worst than any woman refusing me.

 

In response to the rest of the things you wrote, trust me, I am going through this now. I call his answering machine three or four times before leaving for work with long messages. However kate he never gets furious. He truly gets it is something I must do to express myself.

 

Look Kate if the man loves you, he will allow you to express yourself. You are a woman. You are allowed to want more attention from him. My ex who is my bestfriend now is my bestfriend because he overlooked all my irrational behaviors and saw past my “Crazy ways”. You got to realize that some men will stop the chase. They feel too much pride, too much like they are giving in. They stilol like you, but they change the rules, afraid to be too vulnerable.