Husband is gone, now what??????

[beachbum84]

So I am just overwhelmed by the details of this situation. He left. With everything that has happened, and that has been said and done, I think it is finally *gasp* over. But how do I go on from here??

 

I can barely pay December's rent. I'd like to be able to stay in the house at least through Christmas to allow my daughter to have a "normal" Christmas. But not sure how to pay January's rent. So much to think about. So much to do. I am afraid I'm going to have to pack everything up and move belongings into a storage unit, and daughter and I into my dad's house in a matter of weeks. I hate the thought of her having her dad ripped away and moved into her Grandpa's house all at Christmas time.

 

Its hard to swallow that it is over. I didn't think it would come to this, although I feared it might. But this surpasses my worst fears, b/c I didn't think it'd ever happen like this, right before holidays.

 

Its only been less than 24 hours, but I'm freaking out. Do I contact him to try and talk about money? He gets paid this week and if he doesn't put his check in the bank like normal than the budget cannot float like normal. It takes both our income to pay rent, utilities, other bills, food, everything!

 

Easy for him, he'll just keep all his $ and leave all the bills for me to figure out, right as Christmas is approaching. AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

 

Am already dealing with the dreaded questions, "Mommy when is daddy coming home? Is daddy going to get the tree with us the weekend? When am I going to get to see my daddy? Why did daddy leave? Why is daddy not here? Why doesn't daddy love you? Why was daddy yelling at you and making you cry last night? Why was Grandpa saying we would move in with him? Are we not going to live here anymore mommy?"

 

My poor child. I wish this didn't all go down in front of her last night. But it was a speeding train off the tracks that I could not get control of. It crashed and burned for all to see.

 

What to do now? He never contacted me last night, nor yet today. I am not sure what to say to him if he does try to contact me. And if he doesn't contact me, I guess I'll have to try and contact him to try and sort out the details of custody and $. I hate that he has all the cards in his hand right now, and I'm left to wonder and worry about how to keep on keepin on.

[iheartboobs]

Go with your father to talk to a divorce attorney, many will see you for free. They can tell you your state's laws concerning separation and if what he's done can be considered abandonment. Get a legal separation, and file for full custody, child support, alimony, and/or whatever else you can get. If you lose the house, then you lose the house. It's hard and it sucks but you can get through it and be thankful you have a supportive father to fall back on.

 

It sounds like things didn't work out and I'm sorry because I know you wanted them to, but it takes two people to make a marriage work and it never sounded like he was too interested. Good luck.

[sirweasles]

Ok sorry to be blunt I understand the the holidays thing but honestly part of my wifes problems are do to a relation ship simaler to yours and from your post of him finally leaving all I can say is was that ok I myself would like to meet this guy just so that I could nock sense into him hard enough that he would be better off dead. It is absolutly not ok for anybody to treat another like that aspecially in front of there kids. In a fight acctuall throw down fight who would win you or him. My bet is that you wouldnt stand a chance so he is using his size and strength to make him self feel big by bullying no abusing the women and child he swore to protect. My step daughters bladder almost failed do to the stress that her biological father and family put on her it was very similar to what your husband just did to you and your DAUGHTER for you to even consider allowing him back around her until he has recieved major help is pure folly if you cant stand up for you stand up for her. Let the courts decide on what to do about money Your father is there for you so his ace has just been lost you can and will make it and be just fine your daughter will be happy where ever she gets to spend christmas and though unfortanatly she will be confused for awhile.

[Gunny376]

Somehow you get yourself to sleep and your precious BB to sleep ~ unfornately for you? She'll have an easier time of doing it than you.

 

And again you may want to run by Walgreens or WalMart and look in the vitamin and supplemnt deprartment for something called Melotonnin. Its the natural sleep componet that controls our sleep habits and biological clocks.

 

Our bodies naturally and its very much affected by light. I usally take 9mgs of (I being a man and such) but it also comes in 5mg and 3mmg (microgram)

 

You'll have to experment with it to find out what works for you? It depensa upon as your sleep habits, your daily physical activity, and how strenous that is or may not be.

 

Depending upon how strenous your day is, (which I would imgaine is a lot being the mother of a baby little girl ) and your bedroom ~ about a half hour after have you take you will begin to yawn, your eyes will start to water and become heavy. It will ease your mind and your thoughts.

 

I've learned that it takes about a good thirty to forty five minutes for me quit thinking, and just quell my thoughts.

 

Contact your local churches and chartiable orgainizations ~ but most definately your local UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS RESERVE station (They're in the phone book ~ or you can find them at places like your major cities, banks, car dealerships, and ToysRUs.

 

They run a program each XMAS called "Toys for Tots" and that is what they do hang out in front of KMART, WalMart, ToysRUs and collect toys and money to by toys for children for XMAS ( :mad: Damned allergies make my eyes water and nose run!!! :mad:)

 

You'll probally have some joker of a Marine dressed up as Santa Clause and a couple of Marines dressed in Marine Corps Dress Blues show up at your front door ~ and your little girl will have something or two Christmas that she will love to have.

 

Hell I even see these guys and WM's (Women Marines) (and myself) deep into our pockets to come up with something special for that special little girl or boy going through hard times.

 

I've seen battled hardened Marines in Marine Corps Dress Blue uniforms tell me? "Give me a second Gunny ~ who would expect so much damned pollen in December!"

 

Like I told you, I'm in between jobs right now, but me, myself and I have a couple of bucks I could send your way every now and again ~ albiet its not much a little is a lot sometimes.

 

Moving back in with Dad / Grandad isn't such a bad thing.

 

Just be glad that you still have one. Once our parents are gone?

 

We're pretty much on our own.

 

Meanwhile? You get up each morning and you take it one day at a time.

 

You don't think nor dwell on yesterday, nor tomorrow? You'll drive yourself crazy thinking about it. You don't allow yourself to think nor dwell on the past ~ nor the future ~ as there's little you can do to change about either one.

 

All you can do is get real "dirt-dog ~ junk-yard-dog mean and think the here and now ~ and like Scrallet O'hara in "Gone With The Wind" think and concentrate on the here and now ~ TODAY!

 

"When your going through HELL? Just KEEP on going!" Winston Churchill

 

"Most people are about as HAPPY as they make they're minds up to be!" Abraham Lincolon

 

"Whatever the mind of man can conceive? The mind of man can ACHIVE!" (Along with women) Dale Carrinige

 

I love seeing and hearing about men and women faced adversity ~ single abandoned mothers with four or five young children, many of them who worked two ~ three jobs scrubbing tables, waiting tables ~ whose children went on to become professors, MD's, Nurses, Generals, Admirals.

 

Many of them not so-called "White"

 

Collin Powell is one the greatest examples. His parents were dirt poor, but he went on to become a four-star general in the United States Army, Senior Natonal Security Advisor to President George H. Bush, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Secretary of State ~ (And in my personal opinion the No. # 1 person who is most qualified and should be the President of the United States!)

 

Hang in there Kiddo ~ it gets better!

[worlybear]

Hey.Listen to Gunny. His advice is awesome!

Sorry that everything has happened just before xmas. Is there anyway you could temporarily move in with your Dad without relinquishing your claim on the house?

Get a lawyer to pursue your H for the mortgage and child-care/support. Do not get drawn into negotiations with your H without legal representation.

Your daughter will be fine -because she has YOU.

Hugs:bunny::bunny:

[beachbum84]

So he called last night. It caught me off guard, I actually didn't expect to hear from him so soon. Yes I love him, yes I miss him. But I'm afraid that there is too much damage to be repaired. I'm confused, but making better decisions. Slowly, at my pace. I know its not as fast or in the exact direction some feel I should be, but I feel like I can breathe again today, and that is everything to me right now. Pushing for court right now, in the next week, or by the end of December is just a little too much right now. But I agree that I cannot allow things to continue this way.

 

So for right now, he's going to play fair and put his $ in the bank, and I'll pay all the bills with it like I normally do, and I will do the same with my $. He is NOT coming home, not at this moment, and if ever it will be much further down the road. I will continue to stay at the rental house through the holidays with our daughter. Christmas will be as normal as possible for her, and I will slowly begin to pack. Taking one day at a time, and not rushing the situation.

 

Sometime Jan or Feb I will move her and I into my daddy's house, where we'll reside for a few months to get on my feet. At that point in time we'll file for a legal separation, with child support and custody and all that jazz. I will then get into an apartment of my own with DD, and we'll see what comes after that. I haven't been able to plan past that.

 

I told H last night that I love him, and miss him, but I cannot live with him anymore. I cannot depend on him, or trust him. I can't spend my life catering to him and walking on egg shells for fear if I ask for help or upset him in the least bit he'll freak out and walk out. I told him that for the past few years all he has done to support me and DD was by putting his paychecks in the bank. And that we need and deserve more than just that. And for time being he can do just that, put his check in the bank and live somewhere else. The turmoil HAS to stop.

 

So he wanted to know if he could pick her up from daycare today and I said ok. I want him to see her, so I feel like it was a good thing he asked to see her. Then he asked if we could talk after he dropped her off. I told him we could, but I wouldn't be able to talk face to face. He'll need to go back to his new residence or wherever and if he felt like talking he could call me.

 

I can't be around him right now. He's going to be oh so sorry, and tell me nice things, and hug me and I'll melt. I can't do that right now. I can't melt. I have to become strong. For me, for my daughter. If its possible to save this then he has a lot of changing to do first. And confusing me with emotions and affection is not going to help. He cannot come and go. When he asked last night if he'd just have to be gone a few weeks, I told him no. That I can't say how long, but I'm at this time not willing to even fathom anything sooner than 6 months, and even then I can make no promises. I agreed not to rush and file for divorce. But I made it clear he was not welcome to move back home. And that I could not for sure say if or when he'll ever be welcomed back home.

 

I need to take this process slow to make 100% sure I'm not jumping a gun here. My dad feels upset that I won't file for divorce asap. But he seems to understand. He also feels that as long as I am willing to back up this separation and not allow him home, then he feels by the time I can get my own place I'll be over him. And realize that I can live alone, on my own, and sharing her every other weekend isn't so scary, and I can survive without him. And he feels that over the course of the next few months I'll slowly just get over him and be able to head into a divorce with a clear mind. I don't know about all of that. But I can see his point.

 

But for today, its Tuesday, its 2 days before Thanksgiving. I have my ucler under control, and hopefully will be able to keep some food down at lunch. I've figured out my living situation for the next 2 months, and then I'll be at my daddy's. So for today I feel semi okay. I'm not dwelling on does he love me, will this work out, will this end in divorce. I'm just living today. I've got my near future worked out, without him. So we'll just take baby steps from there. Phew.

[beachbum84]

Somehow you get yourself to sleep and your precious BB to sleep ~ unfornately for you? She'll have an easier time of doing it than you.

 

Yes you are right. Although I've been used to going to sleep alone for years due to our opposite work schedules. It just feels harder to sleep knowing he isn't coming home at some point.

 

 

 

Contact your local churches and chartiable orgainizations ~ but most definately your local UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS RESERVE station (They're in the phone book ~ or you can find them at places like your major cities, banks, car dealerships, and ToysRUs.

 

I appreciate that info. But thankfully I am usually a good planner in all other areas of my life. I have already gotten 90% of her presents this summer, and stashed them. ;-) I just have a few more to get, which thankfully I can do. I was more torn up about the idea of daddy not being there when we cut down the tree, when we go to the Christmas Festival, when we go caroling, when we go see the Christmas Lights, when we read the special Christmas book and leave cookies out for Santa on Christmas Eve, and all 3 of us waking up to Santa's surprises on Christmas Morning. I can make Christmas happen for her, thankfully. I just can't make it feel the same as years before, and for that I am upset.

 

 

 

Like I told you, I'm in between jobs right now, but me, myself and I have a couple of bucks I could send your way every now and again ~ albiet its not much a little is a lot sometimes.

 

I really appreciate your gesture and offer. I really do. But I feel like I need to figure this out on my own for myself. I'll be taking help from my daddy by living with him for a few months and that should be all the financial help I should need to get back on my feet. I hope at least. HA. But thank you for offering to help me, it is a most generous offer.

[beachbum84]

Hey.Listen to Gunny. His advice is awesome!

Sorry that everything has happened just before xmas. Is there anyway you could temporarily move in with your Dad without relinquishing your claim on the house?

Get a lawyer to pursue your H for the mortgage and child-care/support. Do not get drawn into negotiations with your H without legal representation.

Your daughter will be fine -because she has YOU.

Hugs:bunny::bunny:

 

 

Its all so complicated, but long story short, we don't own the house, we rent it. We moved into this summer thinking we could afford it, and a few things we counted on fell through and we can only afford to reside there with all of both of our $. So if I filed for child support today, it wouldn't be enough to cover the bills. We are just going to mix our money for right now to get through the holidays for DD's behalf. And then shortly into the new year I will pack up and move into my daddy's house, at which point we'll separate our finances, and he can start paying child support.

 

I appreciate your advice, and kind words. It definitely helps to hear a wide spectrum of advice right now. It keeps me thinking, and re-evaluating, and moving forward. If nothing else right now I am going to prove to him and the whole damned world, that I am not defined by him, and that I can and will survive without him. Its just it would be nicer, and more of what I want to survive with him. But for now I need to get myself in a situation where I can think, breath, and function without him. For if we ever don't work out, it will not flip my world upside down as my world is today.

[Gunny376]

When I got married (for the first and only time) I was young, dumb, inexperienced with women, relationships, ignorant as to the ways of such, just didn't know any better ~ and to make it all the worse?

 

I was arrogant!

 

I was 22

 

I didn't know what I was getting into, what I was doing, nor did I know how to make a relationship with a woman work ~ let alone a marriage.

 

My wife divorced me after 12 years of marriages ~ with only telling me "That I needed to change and that she was going to divorce me to make me change!"

 

She never specified what changes that I needed to make? She told me that I was a "workaholic" ~ my view and perspective on it was that I was a career Marine.

 

It takes a lot and demands a lot of you mentally, emotionally, and psychologically to be in the military?

 

Well twenty years post hence? I'm here to stand up and testify that its put some changes on me?

 

It changed me enough to the extent that I work to live, instead of living to work.

 

They say that as men age they become more attuned to women's way of thinking that women have from the 'get-go'

 

In my experience I would say that's true.

 

I don't care much for material things anymore ~ as I do about in-material things.

 

A lot of guy are big into such ~ I doubt I'll ever buy a $5000 big screen TV ~ as I only have a 19" ~ if I do? It will because my vision is diminishing with age? I think getting glasses would be cheaper.

 

I studied marriage, relationships, divorce etc

 

Time and time again the message is clear?

 

A GOOD women could give a damn about what you do for a living, how much money you make, what your social-economic status is ~ in so long as you PRIORTIZE your attention on her, your children, your marriage, your relationship.

 

Its like the song "Cats In The Cradle"

 

And its like the old saying goes?

 

No one ever lied on the their death bed saying "Gezz I wished I had spent more time at the office?"

 

In the book "Crazy Time" a book about how crazy divorce can be and can get the author relates the story of guy trying to climb up the corporate ladder ~ food chain.

 

Well he made it! VP!

 

Vice President!

 

Got the corner office on the top floor, key to the executive "wash room" the big pay raise.

 

It took him years upon years to do ~ keeping his nose to grind-stone working sixty - seventy hour weeks and weekends.

 

But he did it.

 

When he got the promotion?

 

He came home with roses and champagne! :bunny:

 

To which his wife responded:

 

"That's nice, I just WISHED you had spent more time with me and the kids?

 

A4A and I had a rather leagthy and long thread going on here about all of this?

 

Being faithful, a good provider, a meal ticket, a payday ~ isn't enough to substain a good relationship with most any and all women!

 

Not a GOOD woman who has her priorties straight?

 

A GOOD woman which history is resolute with? Will willingly sleep in a hollow log, eat road kill, and drink muddy water ~ endure endless hardship, trial, and tribulations with a man.

 

Becuase she KNOWS that he will do the same for her!

[beachbum84]

So tomorrow is Thanksgiving. And its the first time I've ever been allowed to host Thanksgiving. Its the first thanksgiving we've been in a house instead of an apartment. And he won't be here to see how wonderful it is.

 

When I first moved down here his mom made it hell on me to fit in around the holidays. Never would allow me to help with anything, or make anything. She let bring rolls once, and I made homemade rolls, to only show up and have her put my rolls ontop of the fridge where they stayed, and she made crescent rolls, from a damn can. One year she let me make the pies. I brought homemade pumpkin and apple. Only to put them next to her German chocolate cake, pecan pie, pumpkin pie, and brownies.

 

Then my dad moved down here with his girlfriend, and she wouldn't really let me make anything either. I guess to prove to me that she takes care of my dad now or something.

 

But this year. This year. I get to host Thanksgiving dinner. And my dad and his girlfriend are coming over and all she's bringing is pumpkin pie, I get to make the rest. Its a big deal to me. It feels like a rite of passage. I know it may sound dumb to most everyone else. But I find myself crying as I type this to think, this year, this thanksgiving was supposed to be so special and memorable. After 5 years of apartment living, we are in a nice house, where we can comfortably have company over, and I get to make the Thanksgiving meal. All minus my husband.

 

This year I am thankful for my beautiful, smart, and loving daughter. She really is just amazing, and I lucked up being blessed with her.

 

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

[Too Much]

I am in the same position and will not be spending Thanksgiving with my W for the first time in 10 years. It hurts, but maintain this thought. You can rest assured he will be thinking about you and also knows he is not spending this Thanksgiving with you. You will be on his mind. Trust me.

[trippi1432]

This is your year BB....go get em! I'm sure it will be a lovely feast. Happy Thanksgiving.

[sirweasles]

Be thankfull for all that you have there is nothing worth more than that little girl and I promise you there will be many many more wonderful thanks givings to come. I get to spend thanks giving with a bag of popcorn for my meal knowing that my w will not even talk to me and I have to wonder what I did that would cause this. I still get to be thankfull for all I have becouse when I call I will getto talk to my three beautiful little wonderful little girls.

[beachbum84]

He hasn't been gone quite a week yet. And he is oh so sorry. And feels oh so terrible. :-/ He's still not welcome home.

 

He called me Tues night and we talked for over 2 hours. He said the most perfect things. Said, though. I've heard a lot of perfect things from him so many times before. So I'm left just scared, confused, and frustrated.

 

Today is Thanksgiving and I am left angry at him that he did this to our family. That he left like we didn't matter, and then when he "felt" like it wanted to come home. What is that?

 

Yes he talked a lot on Tues. He admited to ignoring me, and leaving me behind once we moved back to Mobile (4 years ago). He said as he looked back that the best part of our relationship was while dating and the 1st year we were married living 4 hours away from Mobile. And once we got back to his hometown everything slowly started unraveling. And he said that as he thought and thought about why he started realizing that when we were dating and living far away, he treated me like he couldn't wait to see me, couldn't wait to be with me. Made plans with me, communicated with me, and took me out on dates. And once we moved back to Mobile, he said he sees how he replaced me with his brothers, family, and friends. He was suddenly always making plans with his brothers doing things that didn't interest me, or I was not invited to be apart of b/c they were "guy nights". He also mentioned that he felt bad that he had them over at our house constantly, and while they were there he ignored me, and left me to fend for myself, all the time. He realized that all those nights I went to bed alone b/c he was too busy with his friends playing video games until the wee hours of the morning, must have hurt my feelings. Duh you think?? He went on to apologize about how he alienated me during my pregnancy. Always leaving me for his friends, while I was home alone and very pregnant.

 

He went on to say how he feels like a complete loser. He regrets fooling around in college for 3.5 years of our marriage and still not getting his degree, and now due to that his current situation makes him work 2 dead end jobs that are killing him. He is sorry for not making good on his promises, and that he realizes now that all he wants is his wife and family back. And he said he knows he has to change now. And he understands why I won't let him come home. And how he didn't mean anything he has said to me for months now especially everything over the weekend. He is very sorry for Sunday, and regretful for leaving. He wishes he never did that. He says he feels depressed, and thinks he needs counseling.

 

I agreed. I told him that it was so nice to finally hear him say all those things. I felt so neglected for so many years. I've felt so unwanted, and so unloved and like I was fighting to win a popularity contest with his 2 brothers to get his attention which I never was able to win. I shouldn't have to fight for his love, affection, attention, and support. He said he totally understands that and agrees.

 

I then told him that I thought all his ideas about therapy and seeing the doctor about depression were good ideas. And I'll be watching to see if any of those ideas are implemented. I told him that he needs to get help, and he needs to grow up and figure out his life before I could ever consider being with him again. He started crying. Then I felt like crap! He started begging to come home, and I told him no. I told him that he should have thought about that before he did what he did. He left, didn't he want to be gone? Thats why he left, right?? He begged me not to move in with my dad. He is afraid that b/c I'm so independent and prideful that moving in with my dad will make me hate him for having to be there and not able to be on my own. I told him that probably will happen. He started crying harder. :-/

 

So now I just don't know. I want him, I love him, but I cannot allow my life to be like this any longer. Don't I matter? Doesn't my daughter matter? Yes, we do. And we don't deserve to live in constant turmoil, or fear of that. We don't deserve to walk on egg shells around him and fearing the next time he'll freak out and leave us, and then how will we get along.

 

I don't know if me moving to my dad's will kill our marriage, or not. But it will allow me to start to become independent again, so that I can provide for my daughter no matter what he does in life. I cannot allow her to be in a situation b/c I can't survive with out him and his craziness.

 

So for now, I am just one day at a time. He isn't coming home, although he wants to. I am still going to move to my dad's and get strong. I don't know if then I'll be strong enough to never want him back. But I guess time will tell.

[Gunny376]

Jerry Clower and his cousins once went "coon" hunting.

 

Well, once the coon dogs treed the coon, one of them one them would climb the tree and knock the coon out of the tree amongst the dogs so as to give them a "sportin' chance.

 

Well one night? They 'treeded' what they thought was a 'coon' (raccoon)

 

Sept it was a Lynx ~ a 'sooped up' Bob Cat on steroids!!!!!

 

His cousin hollered at him to "Shot up in here!"

 

To which Jerry replied ~ "We CAN'T! WE MIGHT HIT YOU!!!!"

 

To which his cousin replied ~ "WELL SHOOT UP HERE ANYWAY! ONE OF US HAVE TO HAVE SOME RELIEF!!!!!

And that's where your at!

 

Things can't go on the way they are and have been ~ just that plain and simple.

[scatterd]

I'm so sorry for you and your daughters pain He sure picked a horrible time to leave.I hope he wakes up and realizes what he is doing.Try to keep your mind busy and if you need to move in with your dad do.Your daughter will adjust mine did and grew up fine.I don't have my dad nor mother no moreif I needed them.But I was and am grateful they were there the times I needed.I wish you happiness and in time you will heal.

[unloved10]

I am going through the exact same thing. I know exacally how you feel, there is so much pain that you want it to just go away and it wont. I've been trying to be strong for my kids and having faith has helped me. I sometimes go crazy, but I pray every night and ask for light in my life again. My husband has been gone for 2 weeks and yes he also has everything in his hands. I know in my heart its over, never thought it would happened to me. It makes it even tougher during this time of the holiday seasons but you know what, you are alive, we are alive and the sun will come out again. We just need to be strong.

[Gunny376]

I am going through the exact same thing. I know exacally how you feel, there is so much pain that you want it to just go away and it wont. I've been trying to be strong for my kids and having faith has helped me. I sometimes go crazy, but I pray every night and ask for light in my life again. My husband has been gone for 2 weeks and yes he also has everything in his hands. I know in my heart its over, never thought it would happened to me. It makes it even tougher during this time of the holiday seasons but you know what, you are alive, we are alive and the sun will come out again. We just need to be strong.

 

Speaking from the experiemce of age?

 

I've seen good times, I seen hard times, I've seen times when it seemed the hard times would never end? (To quote James Taylor)

 

I've been through a lying, cheating, two-timing whore of a wife ~ (yet in twenty-years worth of hind-sight? I can see why? I was an aggronant azz-hat back in tha' day! )

 

I was 22 when I first got married?

 

I was young, dumb, stupid, ignorant didn't have a freaking clue as to what I was doing nor getting into.

 

Didn't have a clue as to how to be a husband, not the needs and wants of a woman. Let alone as to how be a father.

 

Men are like the Phillsbury Dowboy!

 

First you've got to get all the crap their mothers and sisters taught them out of their heads.

 

Then you need to kneed them and fold them, and teach them how to the PERFECT man for you!

 

Not got someone else ~ but for you.

 

And that's some kind dominant~submissive thing?

 

Its about ONE man loving ONE woman

 

And doing so willingly.

 

At 53 I'm pass my prime college co-ed days.

 

I'm pass the HBX10 (Hot babes X's 10) days.

 

I'm at what it should have always been about from the get-go~

 

True love. friendship and compaionship.

 

I Just had a cuss and fuss with a woman I've never meet ~ but have known for I guess over better than eight years via the internet.

 

She's got a thing about her weight and its always be a sensitive subject with her. (She posted something on that was intimate for all the world to see about me ~ my drinkng habits)

 

But you know what?

 

I could give a good damn?

 

She's my truest and deepest friend.

 

Not to be least your problems?

 

But I wish you and yours a Happy Thanksgiving! And just in case I miss you?

 

A Happy Christmas!

[goingstrong]

BB84,

 

It sounds like the changing of your behavior is starting to affect the way he behaves...though it may be to little too late.

[beachbum84]

So I have been losing a lot of weight this year, I have chocked it up to stress. I have stomach ulcers, and during all this stress I go through many periods where I just can't eat, and if I do I throw up. So needless to say weight has just been melting off me. My clothes are all baggy and I have felt just frumpy. So today I did a little shopping for me. Haven't gotten new clothes since last Christmas. It felt good. As a joke I grabbed a size 1 pair of jeans off the rack to try on. And much to my utter shocked they fit. That gave me an instant boost in my self esteem. I went back to the racks and picked out a cute dress and a few other things.

 

Now the sadistic part of me is toying with the idea of making sure that every time I have to see him b/c of picking up or dropping off of our daughter, I suddenly feel like making sure I'm dressed to kill, hair and make up done. Not sure why I feel that way today.

 

But I woke up kinda feeling like maybe he doesn't have all the power right now. My emotions are screwed up like never before, and I feel overwhelmed and numb all at the same time lately. But... He is the one not here. And he is the one begging to come home. He's the one who is all of a sudden sooo sorry.

 

The devil in me thinks maybe if I was always well put together whenever he saw me, it would be one of those Eat Your Heart Out moments. HA HA. Stupid idea I know. But for some reason I want him to suffer right now. I guess that is the anger in me taking over right now.

 

I bet that can't be all that good that right now that I don't really care how miserable he is. It doesn't hurt me or make me feel bad for him that he's missing home, or missing me, or feeling horrible for all he said and did. All I can think about is, HA HA HA HA.. You stupid douche bag, you cussed me out all freakin weekend, and then had these big ole' balls to just up and leave once you ran out of insults and dirty words to yell at me in front of my child. You left as if you had a plan, as if you knew where you were going, what you wanted, and obviously what you no longer wanted. And now, now where are his big ole's balls? Its apparent now that he doesn't want to live on his momma's couch. Oh is that supposed to make me feel bad? He chose that. Right? He couldn't wait to peel out of here and run to there. Once there, he realizes that grass isn't so green. But you know what. I'm still so angry with him, that I could careless if he rots over there for months.

 

I do love him (although it doesn't sound like it right now), and have moments where I am sad and miss him. But mostly right now. Mostly I am just angry. And don't want him near me. Mostly right now I am finding his situation funny, mostly because he left, it wasn't as if I kicked him out. Mostly I hope he's miserable, I hope he's sad, I hope he's missing home, I hope he feels like crap.

 

That makes me an awful person, doesn't it.?.

 

I decided the other day to make some serious changes, and ones that he'll feel the effect of. I am pushing forward with the upcomming holiday season, and I am not planning on him, or around him. I had weeks ago taken this Monday off so we all could go to the Christmas Tree Farm and get our tree like we always do. But I gave that day back this week. And my dad is going with my daughter and I tomorrow morning to get our tree. When he comes Sunday to pick her up, I sure hope he notices the tree, and that our lives are moving forward, and for right now, without him. Just like he wanted it to be when he left. I hope it hurts his feelings to realize that I am finally to the point where I can, will, and am living without him and his bull****. I hope it scares him to realize that this is more serious than he ever dreamt it was. And that I am more serious this time than I've ever been before. And that I am not laying down and dying b/c he's gone. And that I am not anxious to have him back. And that if he ever wants back in my life, then he best start changing his life. Otherwise I will fully recover from him, and completely get over him, in time of course.

 

Damn, who knew doing a little shopping would inflate my ego so much. Who knew it would give me such an injection of strength. Although I fully expect to be mushy tomorrow while at the farm getting our tree, without him. It is sad to me. But it has to and will happen. It is, what it is.

[amy12344]

Mostly I hope he's miserable, I hope he's sad, I hope he's missing home, I hope he feels like crap.

I hope it hurts his feelings to realize that I am finally to the point where I can, will, and am living without him and his bull****. I hope it scares him to realize that this is more serious than he ever dreamt it was. And that I am more serious this time than I've ever been before. And that I am not laying down and dying b/c he's gone. And that I am not anxious to have him back. And that if he ever wants back in my life, then he best start changing his life. Otherwise I will fully recover from him, and completely get over him, in time of course.

 

Wow, this post was full of utter strength and determination - I love it! I hope I can get to where you are soon. Congratulations and keep on that path!!!!

[sirweasles]

as much as i hate the fact that my wife has all the power and i have none I still have too say this and only becouse i have read and kept up with your ongoing struggles YOU GO GIRL aint no women especially the mother of ones child who is fighting for that child who deserves what he has done to you You make him wake the f up and you make him fix him self he caused the pain not you make sure he knows it and make him fix it dont bend your daughter is a stake.

[beachbum84]

So he took our daughter for a while last night. It was refreshing to have an evening off baby duty. Pretty sad that we have to be seperated for me to get a few hours to myself. But anyways I had fun getting my nails done, getting my hair dyed, and getting a little shopping done.

 

Upon his arrival with DD he wanted to stay and chat a little. So I thought what the heck. If he wants to talk I can listen as long as it remains civil. And it did. He was talking about stuff that had nothing to do with us, just random stuff like work, and friends and weather. So after a bit I told him that I had things to do if he didn't have anything to talk about concerning our current situation. Then all of a sudden he started pouring out the I miss yous, and this and that. And then we started talking about whether I'd really be moving into my dad's house at the first of the year. It really bothers him that I'm going to do that. Then we discussed his child support, and I told him how much the online calculator estimated it at, and he freaked out. He was now angry. Apparently he thought it would be much less.

 

I was about to call it a night b/c his attitude was now getting sour. But I chose to make one more statement that I figured would only flare the situation up, but said it anyways. I told him that it cost a fair amount of money to raise a child, and provide food, and shelter. And that it worked while we were together b/c we used every $ we had. But seperate, well there really wouldn't be enough money to allow both of us seperate apartments. I asked him if he finally understands that he isn't a good provider. He just glared. Then I went a little further. I told him that his laziness in finding his way in life has put this family at a disadvantage for years with putting us in bad apartments, in undesirable parts of town, having no disposable income, and at times worrying about how to pay bills. But now, now it is really just going to affect him. And if he doesn't like the child support amount, may I suggest finally getting a good job? Possibly a *gasp* career? Its time to start acting 28, instead of 18.

 

Oddly he had an ah-ha moment, and said he understood. Was not mad at me about the amount of child support, just shocked and frustrated that he wouldn't be left with much $ afterward to live his life the way he wants. Then he started talking about how he plans to try and start changing that area of his life. He talked more about the Army Reserves. He has a friend in the Reserves, and he has toyed with the idea a few times before, but never got more info on it. Just worked the 2 dead end jobs. But now he has an appointment on Monday to speak with the recruiter & his enlisted friend. WOW

 

We talked quite a bit about the reserves, and how it could help. And I'm impressed honestly. He's figured out so far that it will come with a sign on bonus, provide some monthly income (thus making the 2nd job needless), pay most of his existing student loans off, and provide some $ to finish his degree (further down the road). He would have to leave for 2 months for basic training, which I'm elated about. B/c THEY will make a MAN out of him. :-)

 

Now I'm not sure if its just another breadcrumb or not. But time will tell. One day at a time. If he was willing and able to find a decent way to make income, and be able to be home more and part of this family that would be a huge step in the right direction. I know it can't stop there. He's going to have to beyond that make me a priority, and treat me a lot better, and help me, stand up for me and stand beside me all througout life. And we need to get back in to MC.

 

We hugged for some time afterwards and it felt good. It was a little awkward when he left. But I can't let my emotions cloud my decisions right now. For I know he hasn't figured anything out yet. He's "trying". Which is good. But not enough to start our relationship over with yet.

[beachbum84]

Oh and so I spent some time with my daddy last night. And he's pissed with H for a lot right now. And truthfully has been for years. I'm close with my dad, so he knows the gist of whats been going on for years. And he got the nitty gritty details Sunday night, considering H left 20 mins before my dad arrived, so I was a mess and probably shared more than I should have. Oh well. But now. Now my dad wants to have a man to man with H, especially if we are going to get back together.

 

My dad is a hot head, and very protective of me. He told me what he wants to tell my H and I just don't know if it's be beneficial or detremental. Hmmm...

 

 

He told me that before he moves back in with his daughter and granddaughter that he wants him to know that he will never ever treat me that way again and get away with it. He went as far to tell me that he plans on telling him that if he ever backs me into a corner, verbally attacking me, intimidating me, or if he ever laid another hand on me that he would take care of the problem like the man he obviously is not. And that he wants him to know that he (H) would be going to the hospital and he (my dad) would be going to jail. He wants him to know that his immature hillybilly behavior is no longer acceptable, and that if he can't get his head out of his ass then he best stay away from his girls. And on and on and on.

 

I tried telling my dad that I understand his need to have a man to man with H, but using threats, bad language, and insults probably just aren't necessary. My dad's response to that... I've bit my lip for your behalf long enough, and what happened as a result to that? Need I remind you what he said and did to you in front of your child one week ago? I will say and do as I please to him. If he leaves the convo scared, GOOD thats what I want him to be. I want to be that mean scary a-hole he knows he'll have to answer to if he messes with my girls again.

 

I'm not quite sure how productive for my H and my possible reconciliation that would be. Seems pretty deteremental to that process. But knowing my dad. There is no stopping him. He is going to say what he wants, if he wants. So now I'm sorta stressing that. I get his inner need to protect me and stand up for me. But I just don't think this is the way to go about it.

 

comments, suggestions, or opinions???

[Surfer203]

Maybe it's not the way to handle it, but you gotta love the fact that he is there for you in that way. Violence won't solve anything though, but he probably does need a stern talking to. Set his ass straight.