She's Older Than Me & A Bit Slap Happy, Think It'll Work The 2nd Time Around ?

[TG4MJ]

Just like the title says. We started off as just casual hooking up about three years ago but just connected on a deeper level due to my fondness and knowledge of the time she grew up in (there's a near 12 year difference between us). We attempted to date each other conventionally and suprisingly we did well. We were your typical cute couple but for reasons I'll never really understand she got it into her head that I was going to cheat on her with girls my own age and that she was becoming, in her words, "an ugly old lady" even though I thought she was gorgeous and looked very good for her age. Still, I couldn't even be polite or helpful with female co workers without her getting upset and demanding to know what I was doing talking to them. Any and every girl in their 20's was automatically tagged as a "young b****" and I better not be cheating on her and etc, etc. Things finally fell apart when later that year my former cliqua decided to go to a topless bar to watch a UFC PPV (I prefer a certain pool hall in the area but they wanted to be d***s because they knew my gf would have a problem with this). Long story short, I made the mistake of telling my friends that she told me not to touch any of the girls and that I was pissed at them for going somewhere I didn't even want to go to. Their response ? Paying a girl to sit on my lap and, well, grab my hands and place them on her body !

 

The following Monday, she asked me how things went, and I tried to just brush it off by telling her my disappointment in how both main events ended lousy cuz they did. She asked me if I touched any of the girls, and I tried to say no, but somehow she was able to sense I was hiding something. I figured I would just tell her the truth because it seemed like the right thing to do at the time, so I told her what my friends did and needless to say, she was furious guys. She basically accused me of literally having sex with the stripper in question, then slapped me so hard and so many times the inside of my mouth bled, and even demanded that I go and get checked for STDs because she was so convinced I cheated on her with a stripper of all people. Even though I went out of my way to prove to her that nothing happened and that I never even wanted to go to that club to watch the fight, we broke up about a month later.

 

Earlier this year, we just started talking again and both confessed to how we never really recovered dating wise. She told me how other men weren't affectionate or caring enough and things like that, and I told her how icy hearted and cruel girls my own age truly are and how I could see how she didn't like me fraternizing with them. In a repeat of history, we started hooking up casually, and have been recently been talking about going a round two and seeing what happens. I gotta be honest guys, I'm on the fence on this one. She's a very warm hearted and endearing woman when she's not so jealous and angry, but I just don't know. I'm torn between not wanting to deal with her insecurities yet not wanting to be alone anymore. She was there for me when other girls hurt me and unlike pretty much all girls my own age, she'd never get me in a twist. She's giving me a chance, a second one at that, as to where girls my own age just give me excuses as to why they won't give me a first chance. I just don't know guys, what do you all think ?

[daphne]

This isn't an easy situation to be in. You have some very good pros and very bad cons. I'll be honest. I can understand her insecurity with the age thing. I dated a guy that was a lot younger and I wasn't the most secure. I'm used to being the prize, and it doesn't feel good knowing if he prefers someone younger. Funny enough, when I wouldn't commit to being a girlfriend he found another woman, who was also older, a lot less attractive, and well, kinda skanky if you ask me.

 

However, her reaction to her insecurity is unacceptable. I once hit an ex for suspected cheating. The difference is that I was completely right and ended up leaving him later. But it sounds like you have tried to be honest with her. Only you know the truth but if you are being honest, how much more can you do to reassure her? You could avoid strip clubs and what not, but it doesn't sound like that's the only thing that sets her off. Just talking to women your age could be a problem. Is that something you want to fight about all of the time?

 

I know it's great that older women tend to play a lot fewer games and be more patient, reasonable and rational. But is it worth putting up with the occasional crazy bomb when she gets jealous when it doesn't sound like you're doing anything to provoke it?

[TG4MJ]

Oh that's the thing though, I have no desire to ever want to leave her for a girl my own age. I can't really explain it, she just makes me feel more cared about, she has a very sweet and very soothing effect on me, and I hate to get all cliche about it, but she does in fact make me want to be a better person. She's mature, laid back, and she loves old school movies and music as much as I do. We just connect really well. Oh, and believe it or not, I don't even like strip clubs, fake looks and fake attitudes never have and never will apeal to me and most if not all strippers tend to be a fierce and fowl combination of both, though I digress.

 

I honestly don't get it. I go out of my way to make her feel loved, reassured, and attractive, why would she so vehemently assume that I wanted to leave her or be unfaithful ? Wish there was a way I could really prove myself to her cuz it kills me that she'd think that.

[forrest]

" then slapped me so hard and so many times the inside of my mouth bled,"

 

NEXT. No excuse on this one. I don't want to be too blunt, but you need and deserve a girl that is NOT physically abusive to you. This will only get worse. Personally, I wouldn't even know how to deal with so much insecurity. What happens the next time you are talking to a girl your age? You know that it is bound to happen. Is she going to hit you again?

[reservoirdog1]

As I get older, I'm starting to believe that the person one should be with is NOT the person about whom one can say, personality-wise, "I don't like these things about him/her, BUT [insert all the great things]" (where the don't-likes are plural, or singular but huge).

 

No woman is going to completely jibe with you all the time, on everything. But that's okay. There can be a few minor things that are irksome to you about her, while still having a great relationship. Maybe she likes trashy TV and you find it stupid. Maybe she needs to be reassured of your commitment from time to time. Maybe she occasionally gets jealous when another girl actually flirts with you.

 

But what you're describing sounds like way more than that. You're dealing with somebody with whom massive insecurity (and everything that accompanies it, including angry comments about your co-workers, accusations of cheating, and physical abuse) is going to be a significant feature of your relationship.

 

That's a decision only you can make. I can say this, however: DON'T get back together with her just because you're lonely. Worst reason in the world... bar none.

[TG4MJ]

As I get older, I'm starting to believe that the person one should be with is NOT the person about whom one can say, personality-wise, "I don't like these things about him/her, BUT [insert all the great things]" (where the don't-likes are plural, or singular but huge).

 

No woman is going to completely jibe with you all the time, on everything. But that's okay. There can be a few minor things that are irksome to you about her, while still having a great relationship. Maybe she likes trashy TV and you find it stupid. Maybe she needs to be reassured of your commitment from time to time. Maybe she occasionally gets jealous when another girl actually flirts with you.

 

But what you're describing sounds like way more than that. You're dealing with somebody with whom massive insecurity (and everything that accompanies it, including angry comments about your co-workers, accusations of cheating, and physical abuse) is going to be a significant feature of your relationship.

 

That's a decision only you can make. I can say this, however: DON'T get back together with her just because you're lonely. Worst reason in the world... bar none.

 

Well in a way I sort of understand her insecurities, her ex husband was verbally and physically abusive to her, it really pisses me off because the f***er insulted her so much that she believed it all, and he did end up leaving her for a younger woman. I guess I'd feel like a jerk if I wasn't understanding about it. I mean hell, I myself have all kinds of personal issues that she's acknowledged but she, for lack of a better terms, works with me. Isn't it only fair I return the favor ? Who knows, maybe down the line when she sees how committed I am to being her special someone, she'll realize I'm the real deal and not just some cougar hunting chump who just wants to hook up with her and stuff you know ? Thanks for the insight though guys, it'll play a huge part in my decision as to wether or not I want to pursue a second attempt at a relationship with her.

[bernardverh]

"I'm torn between not wanting to deal with her insecurities yet not wanting to be alone anymore."

 

You will probably have to deal with her insecurities again. If you can handle that, then you should do it. Not wanting to be alone anymore does not sound like a fair reason to me, also because what you said:

 

"She was there for me when other girls hurt me and unlike pretty much all girls my own age, she'd never get me in a twist. She's giving me a chance, a second one at that, as to where girls my own age just give me excuses as to why they won't give me a first chance.

 

You are romanticizing her. There are girls of your age who would fit perfectly with you. It sounds a bit like you are a victim here, when you say that new girls don't give you a first chance. If you act needy and desperate, ofcourse girls don't want you. If you change that behaviour, girls will probably react different also. It's not about them giving you a first chance, you and a new girl are equal and have to find out whether you like eachother.

 

In my opinion you should not go for her because she has showed bad behaviour which will probably not make you much happier in the future.

[IfiKnewThen]

i almost want to talk to this woman to tell her to wake up and wake up fast. she is treating you the wrong way and taking your good heartedness for granted. i did something like that (without the slap or being physical) and i ruined my life losing the best guy in the world. 18 year age difference. him being younger. she can not let insecurity get to her. she should be confident. build on what she has....appreciate you. when you prove to be a durt bag then she can walk away. its so hard for older woman to NOT be insecure. he swore he would never leave me. etc. he kept everything he resented inside and never discussed it fearing my reaction. he used that as a bit of an excuse far too long though. well hes not here today. ended it. its a shame too. we were a good fir. i just had too many fits. wish i knew then...

[IfiKnewThen]

i meant to say we were a good FIT. (see above)

[TG4MJ]

"I'm torn between not wanting to deal with her insecurities yet not wanting to be alone anymore."

 

You will probably have to deal with her insecurities again. If you can handle that, then you should do it. Not wanting to be alone anymore does not sound like a fair reason to me, also because what you said:

 

"She was there for me when other girls hurt me and unlike pretty much all girls my own age, she'd never get me in a twist. She's giving me a chance, a second one at that, as to where girls my own age just give me excuses as to why they won't give me a first chance.

 

You are romanticizing her. There are girls of your age who would fit perfectly with you. It sounds a bit like you are a victim here, when you say that new girls don't give you a first chance. If you act needy and desperate, ofcourse girls don't want you. If you change that behaviour, girls will probably react different also. It's not about them giving you a first chance, you and a new girl are equal and have to find out whether you like eachother.

 

In my opinion you should not go for her because she has showed bad behaviour which will probably not make you much happier in the future.

 

Man, on the real, I've TRIED to make it work with lord knows how many girls my own age, it's been an epic fail from the beginning. I could go on and on about the things my ex appreciated that other girls my own age don't. You wanna know why I'm one short and curly hair away from giving up on girls my own age ? I could go on and on about how cruel they are, but I think I'll just about sum it up with the incident that made me say "enough is enough": I was trying to be romantic with this girl I'd been seeing for about a month, and basically I played this personal little mix of romantic songs because I figured maybe a guy had never romanced her. You know how she reacted ? By LAUGHING !!!!! Never mind the fact that I was trying to make her feel special, apparently one of the songs on my mix was spoofed/covered on Family Guy and that was all she could think of when it played. Not very good on the ego when your trying to be real and try and lower your guard a little bit with someone ya know ?

 

You make it seem like I'm some kind of fool for appreciating her being there for me, but hell, what else am I supposed to do ? Just be jerk and dismiss it all ? I mean seriously ? You have to understand, she was there for me in times where she didn't even have to be, but she was. She was there for me when other girls hurt me, she was there for me when I was getting very self destructive due to my misery of being alone, she was there to sober me up when I was overdoing it with drugs and alcohol after some little hellcat in heels stabbed me in the heart 200 times with a dull ice pick, she was there for me when I was looking at doing some time in lock up on an assault charge (Not gonna happen after all due to a screw up on my alleged victim's part but thats a different story all together).

 

I mean come on, what you want I should just call her up and say, "I'm sorry Nora, even though you've been there for me and saved me from myself more times than I can count, and you appreciate my good heartedness and affectionate ways, which no one else has might I add, I'm just going to have to thank you for all that by telling you to hit the bricks, have fun being sad and lonely, I know I will !" Sorry man, she doesn't deserve that and I don't have the heart to do that to her. It's just not in my nature.

[bernardverh]

Man, on the real, I've TRIED to make it work with lord knows how many girls my own age, it's been an epic fail from the beginning. I could go on and on about the things my ex appreciated that other girls my own age don't. You wanna know why I'm one short and curly hair away from giving up on girls my own age ? I could go on and on about how cruel they are, but I think I'll just about sum it up with the incident that made me say "enough is enough": I was trying to be romantic with this girl I'd been seeing for about a month, and basically I played this personal little mix of romantic songs because I figured maybe a guy had never romanced her. You know how she reacted ? By LAUGHING !!!!! Never mind the fact that I was trying to make her feel special, apparently one of the songs on my mix was spoofed/covered on Family Guy and that was all she could think of when it played. Not very good on the ego when your trying to be real and try and lower your guard a little bit with someone ya know ?

 

Relax man, incidents happen. Ofcourse not every girl fits with you, nobody can fit with every girl. But I believe there are girls of your age that fit you, it's a big world, with a lot of different girls.

 

You make it seem like I'm some kind of fool for appreciating her being there for me, but hell, what else am I supposed to do ? Just be jerk and dismiss it all ? I mean seriously ? You have to understand, she was there for me in times where she didn't even have to be, but she was. She was there for me when other girls hurt me, she was there for me when I was getting very self destructive due to my misery of being alone, she was there to sober me up when I was overdoing it with drugs and alcohol after some little hellcat in heels stabbed me in the heart 200 times with a dull ice pick, she was there for me when I was looking at doing some time in lock up on an assault charge (Not gonna happen after all due to a screw up on my alleged victim's part but thats a different story all together).

 

It's great when someone is there for you, no doubts about that. I don't know where you read that I am trying to make a fool out of you, my message said only two things: You can go for her if you can handle her insecurities, and that I don't believe that you don't fit with any other girl of your age.

 

I mean come on, what you want I should just call her up and say, "I'm sorry Nora, even though you've been there for me and saved me from myself more times than I can count, and you appreciate my good heartedness and affectionate ways, which no one else has might I add, I'm just going to have to thank you for all that by telling you to hit the bricks, have fun being sad and lonely, I know I will !" Sorry man, she doesn't deserve that and I don't have the heart to do that to her. It's just not in my nature.

 

In your first post you seem to doubt whether to try it or not. You asked for a reaction. I gave my advice and now you seem to be furious that I even doubted whether you should go back to her or not. When people reply on your story they mostly are trying to help, not to pester you.

[IfiKnewThen]

my guy hung in there for a few years. we were together all of ten years..then somewhere 5 years into the relationship..major stress hit me. my mom died...i got sicker with my disability...a nightmare of a few years there. he was by my side thru all the bad times. then he bailed mentally, then finally physically. hes kinda mean now. bitter. think he compares me to a young girl with little or no worries. its all very sad. we were supposed to be together. i am just sad. i wish he let me fix it. but when youre young i guess you see it as you have your whole life in front of you and you start thinking of the reason why being with someone else is better. rambling here ..thinking outloud

[cerridwen]

There was a 12 yr age difference between me and a younger ex-bf so I think I can speak to this a bit. I was insecure on the level of your girlfriend.

 

She's going to need more reassurance than you may want to give. She really should work on her end of it but even so, you're going to need to be extra sensitive about this issue with her. I mean like, EXTRA sensitive.

 

How badly do you want it to work? Do you think you could be mindful of giving her compliments on almost a daily basis? Think you'll get tired of being reassuring? Because she's going to need more than your average girl. I could see how my ex would have found me annoying for needing the reassurance but to his credit, he gave it.

 

You kind of already sound a bit worn out by the issue to be honest. Think you got it in you to put the energy in, in this area?

Edited November 29, 2010 by cerridwen

[C-dot]

How badly do you want it to work? Do you think you could be mindful of giving her compliments on almost a daily basis? Think you'll get tired of being reassuring? Because she's going to need more than your average girl. I could see how my ex would have found me annoying for needing the reassurance but to his credit, he gave it.

 

I agree with this, to a point. There are two ways a relationship with a person who has extreme insecurities can go:

 

1. She will become addicted to the reassurance, and her need will be more and more constant. No human being should have to be burdened with someone else's self-worth, and it's quite possible you would crack under the pressure.

 

2. She will believe you one day, and start to build her self esteem back on her own, since you helped her.

 

The common denominator is that its her self esteem, and only she can build it back to what it was.

 

Though, about the stripper sitting on your lap... If you didn't want her to - it doesn't matter if your friends paid her or put your hands on her - Why did you let them? No one can make you do anything you don't want to do, and if it were my boyfriend, I'd have been livid. Not that I condone or understand her hitting you, but I can see why she was angry.

Edited November 29, 2010 by C-dot

[cerridwen]

I agree with this, to a point. There are two ways a relationship with a person who has extreme insecurities can go:

 

1. She will become addicted to the reassurance, and her need will be more and more constant. No human being should have to be burdened with someone else's self-worth, and it's quite possible you would crack under the pressure.

 

2. She will believe you one day, and start to build her self esteem back on her own, since you helped her.

 

The common denominator is that its her self esteem, and only she can build it back to what it was.

 

Though, about the stripper sitting on your lap... If you didn't want her to - it doesn't matter if your friends paid her or put your hands on her - Why did you let them? No one can make you do anything you don't want to do, and if it were my boyfriend, I'd have been livid. Not that I condone or understand her hitting you, but I can see why she was angry.

 

Cosign. Excellent points C-dot.

[TG4MJ]

OK guys, well all thoughts considered, I went ahead and made my decision:

 

Cliffnote version of events: Arranged for a nice little weekend getaway for the both of us. Basically put in the works romancing her. After sharing an intimate moment, I asked her for a second chance, while using very firm yet sweet and charming words to make it very clear that I didn't want her acting jealous and insecure because she has no reason to be that way because I don't want to be with other women and that I only have eyes for her. She said yes and were pretty much back together. After over two years of living in single man's hell, I am finally in a relationship with someone and I feel like a new man. I got a good feeling about this. I think my commitment to her and the words I chose to show it made a serious difference and I couldn't be happier.

 

Well I guess that's it. Wish me luck guys.

[cerridwen]

Horray!! I wish you luck and hope it works out wonderfully!

 

She must be a special girl = likes chili dogs

[TG4MJ]

HA ! that's true actually. She can down four foot longs from Stars and still want ice cream afterwards. I know, what a woman .

 

[IfiKnewThen]

thats wonderful . just one bit of advise from an older woman here. if things ever go downhill (they wont just want to convey this), dont keep everything inside of yourself being afaid to approach her about what youre unhappy about. aka dont be passiv agressive. my guy was so nice all the time and never wanted any conflict (who does) or confrontation. but it was sooooooooo bad b/c he kept every single solitary thing inside and held it all in and held it against me ( he was much younger than me but very mature and nice). but it hurt our chances so badly for him to fear my reaction so much. and now i suffer with heartbreak that we are not together. he was sneaky and covert and ended it and till this day he acts the same way. sneaky covert and even ended whatever friendship we had. i am naturally so frustrated. he broke my heart to the core. and all could have been avoided with any form of communication. so frustrating...and unnecessary. we were together for 10 years and now he treats me like a complete stranger. and he so cold and uncaring. what was that all for? such a waste. i think he enjoys hurting me now. its horrible

[TG4MJ]

Well I've been doing that and it's making a difference, like I said, I've made it very clear that while interacting with younger women is inevitable, specially at work, I have no desire to cheat on her and that her being angry at me for this is completely unjustified and uncalled for. Earlier today was the first "test" if you will where I was in a situation where she saw me speaking to another young woman I work with. She didn't react with her old routine, but by coming up to me, putting her arounds around me and holding me close to her, and giving the other girl snake eyes. Still kind of catty but a major improvement from "Who the f*** was that little young b**** I saw you talking to !?!?!?" so I'm sure she's learning but only time will tell. So far so good though.

[IfiKnewThen]

thanks for keeping us apprised. sorry for any embarrassment. its not easy to be older with a younger guy. but i wish i had more faith in him, God and myself.

 

 

thats what she needs. you sound like a real decent person. kudos to you. and dont ever let anyone change that decency please. not her not any woman. please

 

my guy got so cold . its so hard to communicate . i have done that to others too. just reflecting on how i treated someone who hurt me once. they broke up with me and i finally stopped talking to them. but with this man of recent 10 years he broke off with me and its been hard with him since. just stay a good man....(please) and treat people kind even if you dont like them lol. i keep thinking of the bible lately..how much wisdom there is in there about turning the other cheek and being kind even to our enemies. i am not saying be a doormat...but when someone really cares about you...even if you stopped loving them. there is no reason to be so hard and unkind. lol pray for them instead. sorry for getting off topic and rambling here.