Help, I am confused

[corporal17]

Hi, my name is Paul, I wrote in here a couple of months ago talking about my wife having an affair. After browsing this forum many many times, I find I am definitely not alone in this situation. Our divorce proceedings have gone well. We are going through a mediator and we agree on most everything including joint physical and legal custody for our 2 year old son. However, the situation has really confused me over the past couple days. I have not gotten into the middle of her affair with her new man. I don't ask questions, I just count my blessings for the time I shared with her. This is after much much hurt mind you. I was finally coming to terms with the situation and started on with my life after her. I still love her. This past weekend she went on vacation to FL. She called several times while she was there and I never picked up the phone. Mostly because it hurts inside everytime I hear her voice, and we still can have a conversation and we get along really well. Her calling from FL made me question why. Does she miss me? Well today I finally talked to her. She said she was taking our son to a museum on Saturday and just jokingly I said I wanted to come to. She quickly brushed off that idea and pretented I never said it. Fine, that's what I expected. We talked for 40 minutes or so about her vacation and our child, then hung up the phone. I sat there thinking, how can we get along so well and not be able to work out our marriage. Ten minutes later she called back. She then had decided she was going to take our son to an underground aquarium and asked if I wanted to come too. There's where my questions start, could this mean a new beginning to our relationship, or am I looking at this too optimisticly?

[look forward]

Hi Paul do you have a little background info on this? as I didn't see yoru last posts.. How long were you guys married? did you try and save yoru marriage after the affair i.e marriage guidance counselling? how long was the affair and what were her reasons for having one? does she still see the guy..

 

sorry this info will be helpful so that I can give you a fair assesment on your question

 

thanks

[Fofinha]

Well, you are going through a divorce, so that pretty much indicates the end of a romantic relationship. I would be open with her about my feelings. Perhaps she only wants to be friends for the sake of your child though. If the latter is the case, try to distance yourself from your feelings right now. Although it will be difficult, it will cause you less grief than if you are still hoping she'll come running back into your arms.

[corporal17]

We were married for 3 1/2 years, together for 7 1/2 years. She told me she was unhappy with our marriage, that is why she looked elsewhere. When we got married I was 25, she was 21. Very young, but we thought she was ready. Turns out she thinks she missed a lot of life because of marriage. As far as I know, the affair lasted about a month while we were still together, and a month or so after we were apart. She still sees the guy cause she works with him. I have no idea how their relationship is now. When we were together, before marriage, there was nothing like our relationship. We were so in love, always holding eachother, going for walks, going to eat and sitting on the same side of the booth, etc. After marriage that slowed down and after our child, 2years old, they stopped. I miss those times, I wish I had another chance to do them again. I know there are other women out there. But, I invested a lot of time into this one and I still love her.

[fredrolin]

Is their a chance for a future with this woman? Sure. But can you truly and honestly forgive her for having sex with another man?

 

Once that bond you two had gets broken it is tough to get back there. Usually it is impossible.

 

I have been in your situation with a long time girlfriend. I wasted alot of years trying and hoping we could get back together. I watched her date several men and suffered until I realized it was a lost cause.

 

Seeing that you two have a young child you will be in contact with this woman for several years to come; either way it will be a tough road to travel.

 

good luck. do what you feel is right but don't get used or lose your dignity.

[will_woman]

Maybe you should not think too much about that call she made, asking whether you would like to tag along.

Perhaps, she was asking out of courtesy...due to your small kid.

 

Better not to think about whether you guys are patching back or not. If things turn out differently, you will get hurt even more. Please don't inflict more to the present wounds. You should be spending time to heal yourself.

 

Another thing, agreed with the rest : can you really fogive what she had done. I am sure you cannot forget.

[Velveteel]

Your ex-wife is probably responding to your new-found independence. She may feel a little bad that you're not chasing her. That's okay. You decide what you want from this relationship, and then go for it.

 

I recommend offering nothing but friendly contact. Sure, you could do things like joining her at the aquarium once in a while. It will be great for your child to see that the two of you aren't at war with each other. But you won't know if there's any chance of reconciliation unless you keep your cards close to your chest. You sound loving and sensitive. She already knows these things about you, and she got bored and complacent. Now be a little less available. Be friendly but elusive. Don't answer all her calls. Don't jump for her.

 

See what happens. Given that you're already divorced, you don't have much to lose. Don't invest months and months in this, but I do think it's worth another try, as long as she doesn't know you're trying.

 

Good luck!

[supadupa]

Hi Paul,

Don't waste a lot of time contemplating about the relationship. I don't know if you have a spiritual background or not, but confusion is not of God. Confusion is the Devil and oh how he can cause confusion. Why don't you just give it up to a higher power to show you the direction you need to take. It's okay not to know what is going on. If you Pray and have faith you will end up on the right path. Regards..