Cold Feet Or Something More? Long Story

[itsalwayscomplicated]

Hey, everybody. Today has been one of those sole searching days thats for sure. I have cried, I've written a song and I have googled about everything I can think of... THIS GOING TO READ LIKE A BOOK... sorry. its complicated!

 

Let me give you a little background on my situation.

I am 22 and have been in this relationship since I was 16 and now I have been engaged for nearly a year. She is my "high school" sweet heart you could say... We are engaged to be wed in August of '11...

 

(I am trying to make this as unbiased as possible)

 

We have always gotten along just fine and very very seldom fight. I cant think of more than 10 times in all these years we have truly fought.

She is cute, funny and just a super nice gal. Seriously such a sweet heart.

 

It all started with her becoming friends with a military wife. Her name for this situation can be *jess. anywho, she and her became best of friends and overall I like that jess other than I feel like she has no depth to her, like no real substance just seems to be content with watching tv seasons and being a very normal wife of a airforceman... from that moment on my girlfriend (now fiancée don't forget) started to hint around at the idea of marriage. The hinting went on and on for a year or so and I eventual proposed on a cruise vacation with all of our friends (jess was also in attendance)

 

So, thats how I got engaged. It took me many months after being engaged to even muster up enough of a breath to pick a date (mostly under pressure from my fiancee)... We set the date in august because I am wanting to move to another state to continue my college education. She is perfectly okay about moving with me and which means a lot to me because she is such a family person and all of her family is here. Me on the other hand am not very close to my family... so this does not bother me to bad

 

It's just every time I have to even hear about anything about the wedding or wedding date I have a serious case of dread wash over me...a wave dread of confusion and un-suredness.

 

Something that reinforces these "waves" are another girl (not just another girl keep reading)that I have gotten to know very well because of our line of work. Actually its more than work. I am in a regionally touring rock band and she is the keyboardist and I'm the guitarist. Just this last week we spent probably 2 or 3 days together so thats the 30+ hours of driving to venues and staying in hotels and sleeping in the same bed together (she perfers my company out of the rest of the band) ... I have to say I absolutely love this gal. All the time we spend together I am almost intoxicated by just her very presence. She extremely smart, funny, thoughtful, BEAUTIFUL and I think I may have truly fallen in love with her. (at least it seems like it) We can have deep meaningful conversations that me and my fiancée can't even get close to having. We flirt all the time, cuddle and at this point I can't stop thinking of her.

 

The kicker is SHE is married to a wonderful dude (at least i think he is a swell guy. Seems very genuine and I even like to hang out with the guy)

 

So there is basically no way we could ever be together. She even told me once that if she would of met me before her husband we would be together and she also told me that we cant fall in love. WELP there that goes. I fell in love. Hell I wrote a song about her today I just want to call her right now and just talk to her and tell her the situation. I feel like I can't do that with my fiancée because I am afraid and just don't want to hurt her.

 

But meeting and working with her (keyboard gal) and feeling this way has made notice what my relationship is lacking. Can I really have someone like keyboard gal? Can I really have this type of feeling all the time? And, I DO love my fiancée but, is it enough? Like, am I just going through the motions? Is my flame gone? I DONT KNOW! I still care about my fiancée. I care about her well being. I care about her feelings. I do like being around her. Am I just bored of her?

 

 

Also, I am a very realistic person. I know I have this one life and I really want to do it right. I am so scared of making the wrong decision.

 

What do I gain? I can't gain keyboard gal... impossible.

Another girl?

What do I lose?

 

 

I am so confused.

 

 

 

 

also, Im scared of loosing what I want out of life my dreams and desires due to being married. I'm afraid I cant give her the married life that she wants. I feel like I wouldn't be able to fit her needs wants and desires.

 

Also, during this time. I have changed a lot. I have switched my entire life outlook (life plan, career plan) lost my faith in religion... Baptist to Atheism. (please dont talk to me about this decision focus on the relation ship and not converting me to your personal belief)

 

And, it just seems like our differences are piling up.

 

She is a sunday school teacher.

I absolutely cant stand the TV shows,music,movies she loves to watch.

I dont feel like we can have any meaningful conversations.

I think she wants kids (she says I might change my mind someday or her mind she says she might want kids her exact words are "I dont know what I want when Im like 30 or 35"

 

 

but, I can still see the things I like in her.

 

 

yet, With keyboard gal, we can just look at the stars and talk and I am the happiest guy in the world, we can talk about music which is where my real passion is and something my fiancée isn't really interesting in...

 

 

 

UGH, and on thanksgiving my fiancee is wanting to take some picture for a "Save the Date" rsvp wedding thing.

[aerogurl87]

DO NOT MARRY HER! I cannot stress this enough but if you marry her that marriage will be doomed. You've already cheated on her emotionally, so time to fess up to that, and tell her you can't do it. Maybe you're too young to be married, maybe you don't love her enough, but one thing is for certain you do not need to marry this girl.

[make me believe]

You should NOT get married to your fiancee! You are nowhere near being ready. Aerogurl is right, you are already cheating on her emotionally (and physically, IMO, with sleeping in the same bed as keyboard girl, even if nothing sexual happened... it's still completely inappropriate & out of bounds). It sounds like you & your fiancee have grown up & grown apart from each other. There's nothing wrong with that, especially considering how young you were when you got together, and it's better that you realized this before walking down the aisle.

 

You need to come clean with your fiancee about everything you wrote here. It'll probably end your relationship, but is that such a bad thing? She may be a great girl, but she's obviously not the girl for you. Neither is keyboard girl, I'd like to add!! You need to distance yourself from her because it seems like you two have a really inappropriate & unhealthy obsession with each other. Stop sleeping in the same bed as her, stop having "deep, meaningful" conversations with her, and start respecting the fact that she is MARRIED, even though she clearly doesn't respect it herself.

[whichwayisup]

Don't marry this girl. You've changed and can't picture a life with her. It'll hurt her and you alot more if you go through with this and marry her, then end up cheating on her and divorcing. Though you ARE cheating on her already, emotionally. Talk to her as soon as possible, be honest and tell her you love and adore her, but just don't want to get married. It'll hurt like hell, but better now than 5 years from now.

 

I do have to ask, how much of this change in you has to do with the other girl? Since the OW is married, that's a pretty bad situation to get yourself into, letting yourself fall inlove, it's a disaster in the making, even MORE SO since her husband is nice and is a buddy of yours.

[Peppermint11]

I agree with all of the above. IMO, it sounds like you and your keyboardist crossed lines in BOTH your relationships. I would be quite devastated if I were your fiancee or her husband. You need to be honest w/ your fiancee and tell her how you have been feeling and what has gone on with the other woman. Only through talking with your fiancee will either of you begin to figure out if this relationship is going anywhere or if it is time to end it.

[Imajerk17]

You need to end it with your fiancee. There are a lot of divorcees in their late 20's on Match, and you don't want to be one of them.

 

And your friend the keyboardist is CHEATING on her husband with you by sleeping in the same bed. WTF is wrong with her?? What atrocious judgement. How could either of you think this is OK?

Edited December 26, 2010 by Imajerk17