help me i'v fallen and i can't get up!

[señor amorío]

hello everybody,

 

i first would like to say that i think everybody's answers are awesome - for the most part. i wish you guys would've been around when i had this little problem way back when, but i'm glad it didn't work out, i now see why it didn't. So now i have this other situation. it seems like my friends always get the easy situations that are like, no-brainers and i get the difficult ones, but here it goes:

 

I too put up a defense against falling in love, but i know the reason is because i don't ever want to go through the pain of another heart break. it's been three years since it happened and i'm well over the girl, but since then, i have kind of been in player mode, i don't know if i'd say player, cause i don't pursue sexual relations. but it's like as soon as a female wants to get serious with me or start a relationship, i'm gone like the wind. not really but i just remain only friends and move on to meet another female and so on and so on. you see the thing is i'm totally happy with not having a girlfriend or i should say i was.

 

I was at a party during spring break this year and i met a female we'll call mariah, we had a lot in common and i overheard her say to her girlfriends that I was sexy. so i asked her if she had a boyfriend, she said no so i got her number and email address. mariah went back to school and over the final months of the school year we talked to each other via email and instant messaging, there were times we'd be online 4-5 hours talkig to each other. anyways to make a long story short, she had brought my defenses down and i fell for her. bigtime! i didn't run, instead i tried to ask her out. well it turns out that when we met at the party she was on a break up from her bf of 2-3 years, but they ended up back together. mariah was upfront about it and i dig that, but i still have these undying feelings for her. mariah told me that she was starting to fall for me too, and was willing to go out with me, but didn't want to ruin the relationship she was in to go out with me, in case her and i didn't work out. the thing is mariah kept me a secret from her bf for as long as she could, he eventually found out from her caller id, and he was pretty pissed when he found out. all the hours spent talking online, i visited her one weekend where she goes to school (about two hours away), since she's been back for the summer we've hung out a couple of times, and she never mentions it to her man. and when he does ask about her whereabouts, (when she is with me) she tells him she was with her girlfriends. we've never had sex or even held hands for that matter, but i need to know what people think is going on in her mind and how do i pursue this. the thing is we've become pretty good friends, i don't want to ruin that but if mariah claims we're just friends, why can't she ever tell her man about me? does that mean that she wants something more? i let my guard down for a girl who is taken and that sucks bigtime. well anyways, i could use some advice.

 

ps- tony you have got to be a doctor or been through a lot to be able to know what you know. i would love to hear your thoughts too. thanx!

[Tony T]

I think you have an OK friend here but I also think you need to pull way back from the situation before you get your heart blown away again. You REALLY like to set yourself up for heartbreak, don't you.

 

There can be several things going on here. There are a lot of females who won't leave one guy until they have another firmly lined up. However, her friendly demeanor sort of rules that out in this case.

 

She may not be telling her boyfriend about her friendship with you because many men do not undertand male/female friendships. There are many guys who think that if a lady is friends with a guy, she is also doing much more than hanging out.

 

Unconsciously, she may be using you to get things she doesn't get from her boyfriend. A lot of women do this but they don't mean to. Here you are falling in love with her and here she is just wanting good conversation or to do things with you that her boyfriend won't. But the fact is, she is in love with her boyfriend, the chemicals are all there, and that's where she's headed when she leaves you.

 

I personally have a real serious problem with women who keep things from their boyfriends. This lady may become a very special friend to you. Then, one day when she gets married she will be unable to abruptly pop you into the picture, even invite you to the wedding, because she has never told her boyfriend about you.

 

It is entirely possible for a lady to have feelings and sexual attraction for more than one guy at a time. She may be enjoying a lot of things with you...but the nature of your relationship is not healthy for either of you.

 

Not a good idea to press the question. Unless you are addicted to her, pull way back, get away. Even if you were just there for friendship, you are a party to a situation that she considers so wrong she won't bring it up to her boyfriend. She probably hasn't told you some things about him...like maybe he owns a gun and likes to use it.

 

You are just getting yourself sucked in here to something that is totally opposite of what you want. You have a desire for a romantic relationship here and that is NOT her agenda. So either quit lying to yourself, quit decieving yourself, quit deluding yourself into thinking this girl will someday be yours and move on or get ready for some hurting.

 

Additionally, if she is capable if having clandestine friendships with men, if you became her boyfriend, wouldn't you just love having to follow her everywhere to see who her other guy friends were and know they are chomping at the bit to see her break up with you so they can move in on her???

[artlover]

Excellent advice Tony. Here's my 2 cents: My guess is that deep down you still don't really want a relationship. If you did you wouldn't have decided to open up to a woman who is unavailable. Are you sure that's not the thing you like most about her? Not trying to be harsh, it just sends up a big red flag when you have acknowledged dumping perfectly nice, AVAILABLE women, because you didn't want to get hurt and then when you finally decide to open your heart it's for someone who can not possibly reciprocate. Seems pretty fishy to me! Just an observation...

I think you have an OK friend here but I also think you need to pull way back from the situation before you get your heart blown away again. You REALLY like to set yourself up for heartbreak, don't you. There can be several things going on here. There are a lot of females who won't leave one guy until they have another firmly lined up. However, her friendly demeanor sort of rules that out in this case. She may not be telling her boyfriend about her friendship with you because many men do not undertand male/female friendships. There are many guys who think that if a lady is friends with a guy, she is also doing much more than hanging out. Unconsciously, she may be using you to get things she doesn't get from her boyfriend. A lot of women do this but they don't mean to. Here you are falling in love with her and here she is just wanting good conversation or to do things with you that her boyfriend won't. But the fact is, she is in love with her boyfriend, the chemicals are all there, and that's where she's headed when she leaves you. I personally have a real serious problem with women who keep things from their boyfriends. This lady may become a very special friend to you. Then, one day when she gets married she will be unable to abruptly pop you into the picture, even invite you to the wedding, because she has never told her boyfriend about you. It is entirely possible for a lady to have feelings and sexual attraction for more than one guy at a time. She may be enjoying a lot of things with you...but the nature of your relationship is not healthy for either of you. Not a good idea to press the question. Unless you are addicted to her, pull way back, get away. Even if you were just there for friendship, you are a party to a situation that she considers so wrong she won't bring it up to her boyfriend. She probably hasn't told you some things about him...like maybe he owns a gun and likes to use it. You are just getting yourself sucked in here to something that is totally opposite of what you want. You have a desire for a romantic relationship here and that is NOT her agenda. So either quit lying to yourself, quit decieving yourself, quit deluding yourself into thinking this girl will someday be yours and move on or get ready for some hurting. Additionally, if she is capable if having clandestine friendships with men, if you became her boyfriend, wouldn't you just love having to follow her everywhere to see who her other guy friends were and know they are chomping at the bit to see her break up with you so they can move in on her???