I feel like my friends are people I trust, not my family, am I ok?

[Gdunkman]

That's not a spontaneous idea, I developed this point of view during many years. I'm 27 y.o. and I have an active lifestyle, I spend most of my free time at outdoor activities and tourism. My family (parents, uncles, grandma) has always criticized me for my hobbies as they find them risky and unproductive. I shall add that I care about my career and personal development, I have 8 years of professional experience, climbing the career ladder, obtaining second university diploma in a field different from the first one, learned two foreign languages, so I'm obviously not a goof who should get a life, and my family states I am, it looks like they follow a rule "demand the impossible if you want to get the maximum". That led to my rejection to spend time with my family, as I don't enjoy it, they live in a different city and I visit them once a 2 or 3 months, while I have a possibility to do it every weekend, so they made me guilty in not being attached to family as well.

 

I have some friends, I'd say around ten, both male and female, two of them are very close ones, I meet them a few times a week, I know both of them for more then 10 years and we never had significant fights, just a few minor misunderstandings during many years. They were always very proud of my achievements like successful trips, career, education or personal life progress.

 

My family always treated my friends and my gfs disrespectfully, looks like they are jealous that I spend my time with friends, not with them. I've also noticed my family members don't have close friends themselves, so may be they have no clue what a close friendship is.

 

I had hard times last few months, due to a breakup with my fiancee and guess where I found support? Friends supported me EVERY SINGLE DAY, my family - NEVER. I've heard that "blood is sicker than water" and I hope to build a strong family when I marry and have kids, but atm things are as I described them above.

 

My questions are:

1. Is it normal or a deviation?

2. Do you know someone with a similar situation? Do they care about it? Have they managed to build their own close-knit family?

3. What should I do to become closer to my family and to want to do it?

 

Thank you for reading my story and for your replies.

[TwinkletOes26]

Nothing wrong with you at all. Sadly sometimes your friends treat you better than family. I have a coworker who has family members that have treated him like .....bc he is homosexual. So during the holidays he plans a big get away with HIS FRIENDS. His POV is why be miserable with family when he can spend the holidays with people who love and respect him for who he is. ~huggles~ My boyfriends grandma gave me some great advice...love what loves you

[quankanne]

My boyfriends grandma gave me some great advice...love what loves you

 

amen, grandmama! Because THOSE are the bonds that are the strongest, and it doesn't really matter if it's not necessarily with members of your family.

 

you aren't abnormal, though the situation with your family might appear to be when everyone has a certain ideal about family bonds being the most durable when in all reality, they're just as shaky as other bonds ... sometimes family can be the worst source for moral and emotional support, while friends are the best.

 

I count my close circle of friends as my "real" family because of how they love and support me – and I've got five older siblings. I don't feel guilty about it much anymore because I realize my friends know and understand me much, much better than my family ever could, and it's them I owe undying allegiance to. They might be born from other mothers but they're still very much siblings of the heart because of those strong bonds.

 

I do love my siblings, but there's only so much BS I'll put up with from them, and I tend to treat all but one like acquaintences who I don't have much in common with. Their kids are a whole other story, and hopefully they know how much their Aunt Quanky loves them and would do anything for them whenever needed. Kind of odd, but it works ... you can't force yourself into wanting a relationship that might not be there under different circumstances, but you can respect it for what it is (blood kin) and do your best to be pleasant even if you don't have the desire to be actively a part of it.

 

Have they managed to build their own close-knit family? ahhhh ... I think when you get ready to have your family, you get to choose how it's going to develop by deciding what kind of parent/spouse you're going to be. Sometimes people try even harder to have solid relationships with their spouses/kids *because* it's their chance to forge something new that's to their liking.

[AVR1962]

I do understand you, my family has been the same with me. I left my home town when I was your age, I am now 47. My friends have been more supportive then my family and I consider them more family than my own family members.

 

One thing I tell my own kids is that you cannot value your own worth thru someone else's eyes. Be with those that value you and understand who you are.

 

Life is too short to waste your time on those who are constantly critical of us and what we do. These poeple bring us down and do nothing for our self-esteem. My advise is try to rise above your family's issues and don't be a part of the garbage.

 

Best of luck to you!

[vintagecat]

You are not alone in this. I moved 3500 miles away from my family 30 years ago for essentially the same reasons and if I wish to see my family, I pretty much have to go see them, visits that I can put limits on fortunately. Other than occasional attempts at controlling through criticism, they are generally not interested in my life, accomplishments, home or avocations.

 

The only difference between our situations is that my family loved/loves my first (ex) and my present husband of 20 years and the few friends of mine that they have met. So they probably aren't jealous of my time or attention.

 

The best thing about moving so far away at a young age was that it allowed me to get clarity on who I was and what I was capable of without the noise of detrimental feedback designed to corral me into the "place" or role that they had designed or hoped for me. I found that I was not a chronic screw-up and had value to friends and society in general.

 

Certainly one doesn't have to move as far away as I did, as long as one can build the emotional distance necessary to get clear and live one's life in relative peace on one's own terms, a strong individual could probably live fairly close to a critical family. It sounds like you've done this. Bravo to you!

 

As far as caring about it, yes I do care and early in my life I found their rejection highly upsetting, but I have since accepted that there are some things that I can't change. My mother and at least one sister will always be critical of me to some degree and things that they accept and even embrace in their friends, is seemingly a terrible flaw in me. I don't like that they will never see me without their negative filters but I accept it. The rest of the family is apathetic and we have not forged close bonds. The extended family we rarely see and on my Mom's side a family feud over money has blown it apart so that there is animosity and estrangement between those left of my mother's generation.

 

In my experience time might soften the situation. As your family finally and might I add slowly comes to the realization of the utter futility of their critique in changing the outcome of your life, you may experience criticism less often and less shrill in tone but simmering disapproval will likely replace the overt hostility regardless of the level of success of your life.

 

It's a sad situation but unfortunately not uncommon. I completely empathize. Best of luck to you.