How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[Surfer203]

Thanks a lot. I am aware that this will be a rollercoaster... it has been terrible up until recently, now I feel like I am getting a grasp on life again finally. Good things are in my future.

 

If she does come back there will be many guidelines and provisions for this relationship to work.

 

I am trying not to read in to her response after landing.. seems contrived and as if she has made up her mind in a way.. not sure really, does not matter.

 

Keep on keeping on!

 

What stage of reconciliation are you at in you marriage?

[sumdude]

I agree with you on being careful with the Hardline. For now I am just going to ignore her until she speaks to me and has a decision. She just sent me a text saying.. "Just landed! I will keep you abreast of a decision as soon as I reach one. I know it has to be soon". What do you take of that? This morning her texts were all friendly and bubbly and that last one seems like all business.. haha. What a nutjob this girl is. I am going to continue on my path.

 

 

She's just keeping you hanging on the back burner in case plan B doesn't work out. Do you want to be someone's backup plan or second choice?

[Steadfast]

Yeah.. our sex life dwindled a bit towards the end and I'm sure that didn't help the situation. Oh well.. not going to think about what she is doing anymore. I don't give a F***! Time to make myself happy, she can get AIDS for all I care.

 

Surfer, time to drop the hard, indifferent routine; it's actually worse than the mamby-pamby stuff you were spouting two days ago. There is no way you can be at that stage already. To really get over this, to really heal, you have to admit your feelings of loss and grieve. If you really loved her, that is. I think you did, and still do. No shame in that...it proves you're normal. Having feelings of sadness, grief and loneliness is normal and you must experience them to get to the other side. Don't go from one extreme to the other. A glass house is shattered by one single rock.

 

Look, its been three years since my marriage ended and I still pause and feel the pull when I see her. The physical attraction, if nothing else. And I've been in a relationship with someone else for over a year. You need to get real to stay real. At this point for me, those old feelings can return but both my heart and my head agree I don't want what she might be offering. I don't need her to be happy. But that doesn't mean I don't care.

 

Breathe. One day at a time. Measure each step, each word and each action carefully. Your heart will need mending. The physical training is a great start; stay busy with it of you can. At some point you're going to have to talk with her, and you need to be ready. When she asks "What's wrong? Why are you acting like this?" Tell her you don't want to live this kind of life. This isn't what you signed up for, and it isn't marriage. Tell her you deserve better...you demand better, and that you're tired of wondering.

 

This is written with care and concern friend. We've all been there. What you're going through is part of the process. Roll with it. The seas will calm.

[Ballerfamily]

Thanks a lot. I am aware that this will be a rollercoaster... it has been terrible up until recently, now I feel like I am getting a grasp on life again finally. Good things are in my future.

 

If she does come back there will be many guidelines and provisions for this relationship to work.

 

I am trying not to read in to her response after landing.. seems contrived and as if she has made up her mind in a way.. not sure really, does not matter.

 

Keep on keeping on!

 

What stage of reconciliation are you at in you marriage?

 

Just make sure your not playing games with her. She'll figure it out if it is. Truly be gone. Then if she comes begging, you are in power. Its your way or the highway. Most likely she won't want to deal with that. She is testing you. Whats your reaction? pining pu___y, or a strong confident man that won't be an option. If you don't respond, she will be snooping around to figure out why. If anythings kind of fun, its her checking on you. Then comes the justification and excuses. It will truly be a roller coaster. hang on my man, it will be a rough ride. If you can emotionally keep it together to date, do it.

[Ballerfamily]

Surfer, time to drop the hard, indifferent routine; it's actually worse than the mamby-pamby stuff you were spouting two days ago. There is no way you can be at that stage already. To really get over this, to really heal, you have to admit your feelings of loss and grieve. If you really loved her, that is. I think you did, and still do. No shame in that...it proves you're normal. Having feelings of sadness, grief and loneliness is normal and you must experience them to get to the other side. Don't go from one extreme to the other. A glass house is shattered by one single rock.

 

Look, its been three years since my marriage ended and I still pause and feel the pull when I see her. The physical attraction, if nothing else. And I've been in a relationship with someone else for over a year. You need to get real to stay real. At this point for me, those old feelings can return but both my heart and my head agree I don't want what she might be offering. I don't need her to be happy. But that doesn't mean I don't care.

 

Breathe. One day at a time. Measure each step, each word and each action carefully. Your heart will need mending. The physical training is a great start; stay busy with it of you can. At some point you're going to have to talk with her, and you need to be ready. When she asks "What's wrong? Why are you acting like this?" Tell her you don't want to live this kind of life. This isn't what you signed up for, and it isn't marriage. Tell her you deserve better...you demand better, and that you're tired of wondering.

 

This is written with care and concern friend. We've all been there. What you're going through is part of the process. Roll with it. The seas will calm.

 

Steadfast

You are awesome, inspiring, etc. I have mended so much with your inspiration. You did it the rite way. I feel just like you. I have friend whose ex was my ex's wifes best friend. Both ex's live together lol

My buddy is dating up a storm. I feel bad for him. He seems happy, but like you say, he must grieve a 26 yr marriage.

[Surfer203]

Steadfast: No.. I am not fully converted. I am still very sad and hurt. For some reason though I feel stronger today than I have since this all went down. It clicked with me last night that I can't go on like this. It feels good! Of course I am still a bit worried about the future, but I know moving forward that I did everything I could and was the best person I could be.

 

Balleryfamily: There will be no game playing, that is not my style. It is hers apparently... I am going to forthcoming with everything and treat her the way I would want to be treated. Except I will of course be more conscious of her actions, words, etc.

[Surfer203]

Hey.. I know you are all giving me advice with care and experience and I appreciate that. I won't take offense to anything that seems a bit rude, I know it is all just truth.

[Surfer203]

Funny enough.. she tells me she has not told the guy anything about being unsure. He does not know why she went home, etc. So, if she does decide to come back this should play out in an interesting way. She even has planned HOW she will leave him. "I will just get my stuff together on a day when he is at work and call you to come pick me up." ... THIS GIRL IS F****** CRAZY! Let her enjoy her insanity, it is sure to come crashing one day soon.

[What_Next]

Surfer, be careful here. Listen to Steadfast as well. He is talking from a point of experience. You are NOT as far ahead as you might think. Yes i believe she is testing you.

 

My wife pulled some similar bulls__t on me. Even though everyone here was telling me the reality, I ignored it. Do yourself a favor and read what she did to me.

 

Now there was a love there between my wife and I, a bond. It was very strong. It is about the only thing that allowed us to find our way back to each other. We are by no means through it yet and the outcome is cloudy at best and a disaster at worst, but there was/is a genuine remorse there on the part of my wife. I just don't see it in the way she is treating you.

 

Continue the hard line, but don't let the repressed anger cloud your actions. Learn to breathe and think before you act and think before you answer that phone call. She needs to understand the gravity of what she has done. Above all else she needs to clearly realize that you CAN and WILL continue along without her. The way I chose to do that (by going out and getting myself into an ill fated relationship) was wrong, but it did help her to understand that I would not sit around while she went out and cheated.

 

Keep posting, many of us are anxious to hear what happens next.

[Surfer203]

Thanks for the interested in my situation everyone - it is helping me to get through this!

 

What_Next: My wife and I have that bond too.. or I thought we did. Let's see how it pans out. I will continue to follow my stance on the hardline. Is that what worked for you in your situation? I will try to keep my anger in check!

[Surfer203]

Her last text message didn't even say goodbye, talk to you soon or anything like that. To me it read as "Yeah.. I'm home now, going back to my boyfriend and when I make up my mind what I want I will let you know at my own convenience!" Yuck.

[hopesndreams]

Her last text message didn't even say goodbye, talk to you soon or anything like that. To me it read as "Yeah.. I'm home now, going back to my boyfriend and when I make up my mind what I want I will let you know at my own convenience!" Yuck.

 

Breathe! Relax! She is miffed coz her puppy isn't waggin' it's tail. Continue to not respond to her texts and don't answer her calls. She wants you? She knows where you live.

 

You didn't expect something different did you? We told you all along she's game playing. We don't just make this stuff up you know.

 

Where is that attitude from earlier? Find it. You're going to need it.

[What_Next]

Listen to hopesndreams. She is right.

 

She expects (demands) you salivate when she rings that bell! Well throw the bell out the window.

 

Head out, go shopping, get a new haircut, get some new clothes. Go out and have fun with your friends.

[Surfer203]

I am good, I am good! Just stewing a little bit. On the whole today has been good, I think I am excited to start something new at the MMA gym tomorrow, should be a good release to kick and punch my anger away. I am optimistic.

[Surfer203]

hopesanddreams: I have no doubt that she is playing games. The mixed message, the hot and cold.. it is transparent. Keeping me on the line just to weight out her options. I am not an option, I am her husband and if she does not realize that then she will never give me the respect I deserve.

[Darth Vader]

Yeah.. our sex life dwindled a bit towards the end and I'm sure that didn't help the situation. Oh well.. not going to think about what she is doing anymore. I don't give a F***! Time to make myself happy, she can get AIDS for all I care.

 

 

This sounds like you've hit the indifference stage! Very Good!:cool::cool:

 

 

Only one thing, NEVER SLEEP WITH HER EVER AGAIN!!!!!! You don't want to get AIDS!

[FreeNow]

You don't want to get AIDS!

 

Or drop back into a fog!

[Darth Vader]

This sounds like you've hit the indifference stage! Very Good!:cool::cool:

 

 

Only one thing, NEVER SLEEP WITH HER EVER AGAIN!!!!!! You don't want to get AIDS!

 

 

Change your phone number and your cell phone number. I mean totally drop off the map like you never existed! Change all of the locks (if it's legal) to your home! Try some new things, just get out and away for a little, what's wrong with you taking a small vacation? She did afterall.

 

I say this so you don't see her or think about her, but , at the same time you're giving yourself some space to relax and brethe easier!

 

Just becareful, you're not deep into the indifference stage yet like others said, but you'll get there.

[Darth Vader]

Or drop back into a fog!

 

 

Agreed, or BOTH!

[Surfer203]

Believe me, I don't want any STD's. I won't be touching her with a ten foot pole until she gets tested and is 100% on solid ground again with me. Let's see if I even get that opportunity though.. haha. Not looking good.

 

The indifference is really settling in and it makes me happy.

 

I plan on taking all of the steps you are mentioning and I certainly am planning a vacation already. I have one friend in the Cayman Islands and I have one friend in California.. not sure who I will visit yet, but certainly one of them for sure! Free place to stay helps the situation a lot. Just have to pay for flight and food. I deserve some time out.

[Surfer203]

Yet another text from my wife. This one asking how to turn off international data roaming on her phone, since she is now back in the states. I have ignored it. For some reason I looked at her Facebook page, there is nothing major but I noticed she is friends now with 2 more male models. What a joke. She thinks immersing herself in that world is enriching her life, while it is just shallow and empty. It makes me a bit annoyed actually.. she is so shallow and misguided. Oh well, won't let it get me down. Onward! Part of me wants to break NC just to tell her that I am sick of this BS and am done with waiting. I don't know what to do really. Part of me wants to see what will happen, while the other part figures that it is too far gone and wants to just give up. What do you folks think?

[Surfer203]

I want to tell her that I know she is leading me on as an option or just because she does not want to say no to me and make me more upset. I am so sick of the position she has put me in. Going to get some aggression out tomorrow at the gym. Wish me luck!

[What_Next]

Part of me wants to break NC just to tell her that I am sick of this BS and am done with waiting. I don't know what to do really. Part of me wants to see what will happen, while the other part figures that it is too far gone and wants to just give up. What do you folks think?

 

HELL NO!!!

 

Resist this! She is just dangling a string out there to see if you are still listening.

 

If it were me I'd be tempted to change my cell just because .

 

You can lift the fog so fast that she get's sunburnt my friend.

[Surfer203]

Also, my boss today had a talk with me (my wife and I worked together) he said "what is she doing for money?" I told him she is on unemployment, he says "how?! she quit!" - he said when he gets a notice he is going to let them know she quit and was not laid off, thus making her ineligible for unemployment benefits. This means she has no money and no way to pay me for mortgage, car, etc. On the other hand, I think it would be awesome to stick it to her that way. Part of me thinks she may be lying about unemployment and is actually working and making more money than she claims. So she does not have to pay me more than unemployment would.. if this is the case she is a sly b****.

[Surfer203]

What_Next: Maybe she wants me to make the call and end it so that she doesn't have to and feel like the bad guy. I don't want to give her that satisfaction though.