How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[FreeNow]

One of the things I remember helping me was finally accepting the fact that she didn't love me. It helped explain a lot, and reduced my interest in trying to find out what happened. Which was, as it turned out, what people do when they really don't love you. They love certain things about you, or what you can do for them. But the real love isn't there. Maybe they're not capable of it. What does it matter?

 

^^^ This ^^^

 

So much wisdom there. Save yourself possibly years of 'what ifs?' by copying that paragraph. Read it whenever you begin to over-analyze your former marriage.

[PegNosePete]

Ballerfamily: You know what I decided today.. I decided that I am not going to say yes to her no matter what. If she tries to come back, I am going to judge her words, tone and actions before I agree to this. I am not 100% anymore, and I realize I have to do this because I am missing my wife - I am not missing this new transformed person and I DO NOT want that transformed person back. So unless she has made some serious changes, I am done.

Yep damn right dude. Remember her actions speak louder than her words. She has got back from her "holiday" and if she had chosen you, she would be home by now yes? So her actions show that she has no intention of coming back, or if she does, it is not with enough enthusiasm or for the right reasons. There's no point asking for her decision or waiting around for her to give it to you... she's already made it clear with her actions.

 

Stick to the NC dude. See the lawyer. Line up your ducks. Change the locks (although I would ask the lawyer about that, it can be a sticky legal point in the UK, I don't know about the US). If you don't have a sole bank account then get one, and pay your salary into that. Remove your name from any joint accounts and move half the balance into your sole. Cancel joint credit cards. Stop paying any of her bills that are in your name. Protect your assets. Make copies of important documents (marriage certificate etc) and keep the originals somewhere safe (drawer at work for example). Paperwork can be your best friend and you never know if your STBX is going to come and "collect" it while you're at work, the gym, etc. You might think it unlikely but better safe than sorry. Don't tell her you're doing any of these things. Just do them.

 

What you need to do now is SHOCK AND AWE!!! Bring her fantasy crashing down. She thinks she's going to live with OM while you pay for her and act as her emotional tampon, show her how wrong she is, show her that NO-ONE messes with you!!! She thinks she's ahead of the game at the moment, she thinks she's going to take you by surprise and take you to pieces in divorce court. Probably she has already had legal advice, or at the very least amateur legal "advice" from OM and friends/family. You need to make sure you get ahead as soon as possible.

Edited November 30, 2010 by PegNosePete

[2.50 a gallon]

Surfer

 

Look at it this way. Do you want this &^$ to be the mother of your future children or the grandmother of your grandkids?

 

Rule of Thumb: Cheaters cheat down, and in the end the betrayed spouse almost always find someone new who is so much better

Edited November 30, 2010 by 2.50 a gallon

[2.50 a gallon]

The karma bus will some day catch up with her. My XW had just graduated with a degree in elctronics. After our break up she turned to partying. She was let go from a Fortune 500 company after failing a drug test. And even though the area was hurting for people with her expertise, nobody would hire her. She ended up living and working for friends who ran a puppy mill

[slowbutSURE]

My STBXW kept the carrot in front of me, dribbled crumbs of hope, you name it. Told me she made up her mind, then continued with the BS. It just turned into a cycle that repeated itself but never went anywhere. She was in charge and didn't want it to go anywhere. Why would she?

Easier said than done, I know. Hell, we ALL know! BUT, continue the no contact! Make up YOUR mind. Seems like you are on your way, but I would predict you to slip. Its normal, you're human and she is your wife. I had to come to the realization that she looked at me as an option, not the priority.

Once I finally, "got it" I told her MY choice!

Told her, since you cannot make up your mind, I will now make the choice for you! My two girls and myself are the priority and you can continue making stupid life choices on your own. See Ya! Hired the best damned attorney that I can't afford and she is worth every penny of it!

Like previously stated, get your paperwork in order, get stuff out of the house you value and get a "big gun attorney"! Shock and awe! Then be prepared for her to really be nuts. SHE will be the one on the outside looking in, not knowing or understanding whats going on and she WILL NOT like it!

Stay the course, don't beat yourself up if you slip, it happens. Keep reading and keep posting. She is already gone, it sucks but its true. Took me too long too figure it out, we are all here to help so you don't make mistakes that we did!

[Surfer203]

Steadfast: I will never be blinded by beauty again. The prettier they are the crazier they seem to be! You are right, if she really loved me this would not be such a hard decision for her. I am being strung along now, whether it is because she really does not know what she wants or she is too scared to end it. Although she has had a few opportunities to do so and has not yet. Maybe just keeping me around in case her OM relationship does not work out.

 

PegNosePete: I will keep strong with the NC, I can tell she is getting annoyed at my ignoring her already. I wonder if it will help or hinder her thoughts on getting back together though. Lawyer stuff is going to come in to place this week. I plan to stick it to her hard, she does not even have money for a lawyer.

 

2.50 a gallon: Good point, I don't want MY CHILD emerging from her tainted birth canal! Also, I agree on the Karma thing.. and it is hilarious because she believes in it too, she believes in the world working out a certain way and people getting what they deserve. I KNOW she is going to get hit hard, it is just a matter of when and what. Looking forward to it. That is sad about your XW.. but funny that it is Karma in it's purest form.

[Surfer203]

slowBUTSURE: Thanks for the advice. It all seems like a stereotypical chain of evets in these circumstances. I want to nip it in the butt. I want to break NC and tell her it is over and that I am not a backup plan. Others here tell me just to ignore and let it go onward with out contact. So, I am a bit confused as to how to proceed.

[karnak]

I feel like you are all my friends. It is sad because my real friends in real life have been awful. No one is giving me great support or checking in on me. Only my parents and brothers are really giving a f*** about me. .

 

Life taught me in a very hard way that most "friends" really have no real character (just like your wife). They laugh and party with you when things are cool and fun.

But, as soon as things begin to get tough or not so funny they bail out, moving towards "greener pastures" and "happier people".

 

Yep, we have to be real careful when choosing our friends. Just like we have to be when choosing a spouse. Most people will desert you when you most need them.

[slowbutSURE]

I would not break the NC until your ducks are lined up and you're ready to fire!

If you know for certain, what YOU want and how you want to proceed, then let her know. By this I mean you are done with her and the games.

She will string this as long as you let her. I did it too! When you know for SURE and your plan is in place, then put the plan to her. Your choices, hers have been revoked!

Sometimes it feels like a game and I felt guilty that I was playing it. Remember, SHE chose this path, not you. You have given her multiple chances to knock it off, she has chosen to keep it going. Her choices have been selfish, she feels, alive, wonderful, blah-blah-blah. You feel like sh*t. And she knows you feel like sh*t, yet continues with the very pattern to keep you there, no remorse. Time to end the game and you feeling like sh*t. Its a hard decision but I bet you will flourish when you get on the other side.

Go work out, clear your head. You will make the right choices and be so glad you did!

[Surfer203]

Karnak: Understood.. it's sad to know that your friends are really not there for you. It makes sense.

 

slowbutSURE: It is still hard to believe that she can be happy with what she did and how many lives she has affected. How can someone ACTUALLY be happy. I think it is an act. It is not real happiness she is feeling, it is an illusion. I will get this lawyer situation lined up and then I fire. I am wondering if she will make a decision before then. I highly doubt it, I think she is waiting for me to end it.

[Surfer203]

Yet ANOTHER text message this morning.. a follow up to her stupid cellphone question from yesterday. IGNORE. Yet, I am starting to feel the heat, starting to want to tell her "Don't bother talking to me unless it is about our future or financial stuff, I am not here to help you through life or make you feel better."

[Surfer203]

And another message. "Okay Matthew.. why are you not answering me?"

 

She is getting PISSED! Love it! This feels fun. Now I am playing the games and in control of them.

[cyabye]

Yet ANOTHER text message this morning.. a follow up to her stupid cellphone question from yesterday. IGNORE. Yet, I am starting to feel the heat, starting to want to tell her "Don't bother talking to me unless it is about our future or financial stuff, I am not here to help you through life or make you feel better."

 

SAY NOTHING! STAY NO CONTACT. The divorce papers will say everything. You deserve so much better than this. I would block her number or change mine altogether. IF and that's a big IF, you stay no contact, you will start feeling that you are reclaiming control of your life. Do it for you!

 

cya

[cyabye]

And another message. "Okay Matthew.. why are you not answering me?"

 

She is getting PISSED! Love it! This feels fun. Now I am playing the games and in control of them.

 

It is not a game. This is your life. DO NOT PLAY. Make a decision and stick to it no matter how much it hurts. RECLAIM YOUR LIFE! Turn your phone off and go to a movie. Start living your life now. Do not waste one more second. You are becoming stronger!

 

cya

[Surfer203]

Thanks for the support cya.

 

She has now said "Alright.. I don't get it. If you feel like answering, I'm here."

 

I wish I could go see a movie but I am at work unfortunately.

[Steadfast]

Agreed. Do not view no contact as a game, or punishment. View it as removing yourself from the situation. Silence often speaks much louder than words ever could. This is you saying "enough" "no more" and "no thanks".

 

It is getting on with your life. Dismissing lies and not allowing yourself to be used. Believe it or not, you are doing her a favor. It is not wise to enable.

 

Resit the temptation to punish her Matt. Karma works both ways. Let her punishment come from the course of her own decisions. Stay out of it.

[Surfer203]

Understood, I will try to stick to the high road while still maintaining NC.

[PegNosePete]

I know first-hand that when you're in the middle of this stuff it is hard to do the right thing. As you said you want to write back to her telling her to stick it where the sun don't shine, but you need to resist. You're running on emotion right now, not logic. True enough it is a very serious business not a game, but if viewing it as a game helps you stick to it, then view it as a game. Stick to your game plan dude. You can see she's beginning to panic now that you're taking control, her usual "tricks" aren't working and she is getting ratty. You want to keep your advantage now. Do not reply at all until (at least) after you've seen the lawyer.

[Surfer203]

Thanks Pete! I understand that viewing it as a game is bad - but it is helping me feel good about switching things up on her. I think this will really get to her and I love it. She always relies on me for everything and if she does not have me to rely on what does she have?

[2.50 a gallon]

"The prettier they are the crazier . . . "

 

That is not necessarily so, you are entering the world of the divorced woman. There are many knockouts out there who got hurt just as you. They too have been through the ringer, and now value a good man when they find one.

[Surfer203]

Let's hope so. As childish as it may seem.. I would love to find an even prettier woman to make my wife jealous.

[slowbutSURE]

She has made choices. You gave her chance after chance to choose you, stop the OM interaction, move back in and do the hard work.

From what I remember, when she left she wanted time to think and make a decision. Seems as though, not making a decision is her answer. You asked for an answer, a definitive one. All you have gotten when she returned is BS to avoid it. Now she is getting upset/pissed that your not responding to her tricks which worked so perfectly before. This is a prelude of whats to come. You stay out of her clutches then serve papers to her? You ain't seen nothing yet!

All you have asked from her is to make a clear choice. She can't/won't.

ALL of the choices were hers to make, now it is your choice. She doesn't like it. Plain and simple.

Good Luck, we are here for you.

[Surfer203]

I certainly have given her many chances. I wonder though if she realizes why I am not responding to her... hmmm.. I am interested to see what happens from here on out. Whether she flips and tries to make ammends or if she goes in the opposite direction, gets more angry and tries to be nasty.

[slowbutSURE]

Mine did BOTH. Make amends, kind of, then not follow through with anything. Telling me what I wanted to hear so she could keep her little "fun" going.

When I started holding her accountable, then it got nasty and continues to this day. My papers cannot get processed fast enough.

Look for both, would not surprise me at all. Hence, part of the "Roller coaster".

[PegNosePete]

Yeah I'm sure she realizes why you're not responding. She realizes that you're finally not taking any more of her BS, and she's pissed about losing her advantage.

As slowbutsure said, she may talk the talk. But ignore all her words. Look at her actions. If she says she wants to come back but makes excuses why she just has to stay one more day... then you know she's full of sh*t.