How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[slowbutSURE]

Heed the advice thats being put out here. It cannot be stressed enough. Line up a good lawyer ASAP. As in yesterday! I have heard this compared to war and thought people were just being dramatic. NOT. It is a war of sorts and she will return fire with anything and everything she can get her hands on.

Running up credit cards, racking up a huge cell phone bill, whatever. Get that lawyer, cover your A$$, then start launching Shock and AWE! Lawyers advice and common sense advice will help to insure she has no ammunition.

I am currently following my own advice and if I had not, I would be screwed!

All of the things you think she is NOT capable of, guess what? You're wrong! Mine is trying everything she can to make it difficult and its laughable because I have on bulletproof armor and they're ricocheting right back at her.

No Sh*t.

Watch your step!

[Surfer203]

Thanks all. I think I will speak to the lawyer before doing anything. It makes sense.

[Surfer203]

I will report that I am holding strong with NC.. I know it has only been since Wednesday, but it feels good!

[sally4sara]

Darth: The only way I could see that happening is if she decided to come back to me and brought along her debt. I don't see how else I could be responsible for a credit card in her own name.

 

You would be surprised! Get a formal separation drawn up with a focus on getting your status concerning her expenses as "held harmless". This protects you from winding up responsible for any debt she accrues after she has moved out and before the divorce is finalized. My friend had a husband that couldn't manage a line of credit well; it just wasn't his forte. During the marriage she had to take over the finances to limit how much he spent. She knew without her doing this after they separated, he was going to go hog wild. He did but when creditors began to want their payment, calling and mailing her, her status as "held harmless" had them leaving her alone. She'd just send them a copy of the document and how to get in contact with her soon to be ex.

[FreeNow]

As far as I know, one of the purposes of a separation is to delineate when common/marital debt diverges.

 

Not viewing marriage as a legally binding civil contract is why, IMHO, many go into divorce proceeding seeking 'justice' but are surprised at and distraught over how it distills down to assets and debts. One 'sues' for divorce in a civil court as opposed to criminal proceedings.

 

Marriage = entering into a legally binding contract (financial, conduct, etc)

Divorce = dissolving/breaking that legally binding contract

[FreeNow]

I will report that I am holding strong with NC.. I know it has only been since Wednesday, but it feels good!

 

You're doing great!

 

A day at a time, an hour at a time, a minute at a time.

[Surfer203]

Thanks a lot! Its weird I am going through a second anger stage. A more intense anger phase.. Time to get to the gym and hit something.

[Darth Vader]

Thanks a lot! Its weird I am going through a second anger stage. A more intense anger phase.. Time to get to the gym and hit something.

 

 

Do you have a GOOD LAWYER yet? HURRY UP WITH DAMN LAWYER ALREADY!

[Darth Vader]

Heed the advice thats being put out here. It cannot be stressed enough. Line up a good lawyer ASAP. As in yesterday! I have heard this compared to war and thought people were just being dramatic. NOT. It is a war of sorts and she will return fire with anything and everything she can get her hands on.

Running up credit cards, racking up a huge cell phone bill, whatever. Get that lawyer, cover your A$$, then start launching Shock and AWE! Lawyers advice and common sense advice will help to insure she has no ammunition.

I am currently following my own advice and if I had not, I would be screwed!

All of the things you think she is NOT capable of, guess what? You're wrong! Mine is trying everything she can to make it difficult and its laughable because I have on bulletproof armor and they're ricocheting right back at her.

No Sh*t.

Watch your step!

 

 

Please share what you've been doing concerning your STBXW. Perhaps it will help motivate this man, he's taking way too long, I don't want him to get screwed over! I have a really bad feeling about this situation, I mean, I feel that his wife is on to him, and will open up a can of whoop ass on him, because he's just not moving fast enough with getting a good Lawyer!

[Surfer203]

Darth: I have contacted 4 lawyer.. only 1 has gotten back to me and their consultation fee was $300.. which is really high for me right now on ONE INCOME. F****** piece of crap wife.

[Eye of Hourus]

Surfer

 

Please listen to the advice being given from Darth, FreeNow Michelangelo at al.

 

Your wife can and probably will run up debt that you will be "jointly and severally" be liable for. As I mentioned earlier in this thread (quoting from the CT divorce documents :

 

 

 

 

1. Neither party shall sell, transfer, encumber, conceal, assign, remove, or in any way dispose of, with the consent of the other party in writing, or an order of the court, any property, individually or jointly held by the parties, except in the usual course of business of for customary and usual household expenses or for reasonable attorney fees in connection with this action. (This section only applies to divorce, annulment, and legal separation cases.)
   
2. Neither party shall incur unreasonable debts hereafter, including but not limited to, further borrowing against any credit line secured by the family residence, further encumbrancing any assets, or unreasonably using credit cards or cash advances against credit cards. (This section only applies to divorce, annulment or legal separation cases.)
   

(The above applies only after she is served. In CT service is made in approx. 12 working days from lodging forms with the court and service is by State Marshall .)

 

The two points above apply to You when you file with the court.

 

It will only apply to your spouse after she has been served! - Thus giving her time to run up your marital debt!.

"If your spouse lives outside the state and you know his or her address,

complete a Motion for Order of Notice in Family Cases ( JD-FM-167) and

give it to the clerk, accompanied by the Order of Notice in Family Cases

( JD-FM-168). The clerk will review the forms and sign the Order of

Notice in Family Cases. You can start the case by having a state marshal

send copies of the following documents to your spouse by certified mail:

the Summons; Complaint; Notice of Automatic Orders; Motion for Order of

Notice in Family Cases; and the Order of Notice in Family Cases; or by

having the state marshal provide notice in whatever other manner is

ordered."

 

Of course you can apply (motion) for more specific orders when you file (such as exclusive possession of home!),however until you start the process (it begins when she is served) she could wreak havoc with your finances.

 

First thing Monday morning go Lawyer shopping! Get the ball rolling befrore it's too late.

 

The Eye

 

"The luck of having talent is not enough; one must also have a talent for luck." - Louis Hector Berlioz

[Eye of Hourus]

Surfer,

 

According to my research it will cost you around $400.00 to startt the process yourself.

 

If you look at the info I have previously given you (links) you can start the process , get all the paperwork together, file and then get the Lawyer to review and advise on modifications (motions).

 

The Eye

 

“Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils” Louis-Hector Berlioz.

Edited December 4, 2010 by Eye of Hourus
clarity

[Surfer203]

Thanks for the info Eye... I have contact more lawyers this weekend and left voice mails..let's see who call back!!!!!

Edited December 4, 2010 by Surfer203

[Iconoclast]

Personally.. I don't think she has ... (fill in the blank)

 

Ha! This site is littered with 1000's of burnt out husks who believed "I don't think she..."

[FreeNow]

She can locate some fast & easy credit and use the money to hire an attorney. It's done all the time.

 

What does she care, she's broke already! Not much for her to lose if she does and more to lose if she doesn't.

[PegNosePete]

Ha! This site is littered with 1000's of burnt out husks who believed "I don't think she..."

I'm not quite a burnt out husk, but I certainly "didn't think she...". Do not underestimate her! Remember it's not just her, it's everyone she talks to too, they will all chip in their 2c about how to squeeze money out of you. She may already have a lawyer, There may already be divorce papers on their way to you. Never say never!!!

[Surfer203]

I know you all are pushing all this financial and lawyer stuff.. I know it is all VERY important for my future. What I am focusing on most now (until the lawyers actually get back to me) is making myself happy and doing things that enrich my life... gotta keep my mind and body active! My wife sucks.. what a piece of s*** joke our marriage was.. 8 years together down the drain because she can't control her feelings or does not have enough moral sense to do what is right. GRRRRRRRRRRRR!

[debtman]

I feel you. I get so angry at my stbx sometimes for throwing away a 10 year relationship, 6 year marriage and the fabulous parenting we did together for our 2 kids...all over some other dude who she felt more "connected" to. Even though I know it's only because they're still in the "honeymoon" phase.

 

If it weren't for the kids, I'm sure I would be in the rage phase and would plan to never see her again except through lawyers.

 

BUT, that being said, having the kids has made us both more rational as far as the divorce goes. We went to our first mediation on Friday and, in 2 hours, almost got everything settled as far as finances, kids, etc. It's going to take one more mediation session and then we need to have a lawyer submit the papers for us and we'll be divorced by the end of the month. THAT will provide the closure I need to start moving on with my life...and will provide her the leverage she needs to start pressuring her new boyfriend to get the ball rolling on his divorce from his wife (ha, ha...good luck dude). The whole process will cost us less than $1000 total. MUCH cheaper than using lawyers, but, it's not like either of us has tons of money for the other to go after, so, we're saving money this way which will only benefit us and the kids.

 

The mediator also brought up numerous things we hadn't thought of before, kept everything "fair" and "sane" which was good. She also addressed introducing new people to the kids and the importance of spending time with the kids without other "distraction" for 6-9 months. You should have seen her "bristle" at that.

 

She will be out of our house by May (she's hoping to buy a house with this new guy she's only known for 2 months...wonder if he knows that yet) and I get to move back into our house. I'll have to take out a home equity loan to buy her out and will have to cash in my 401k or borrow against it to pay off my outstanding debt so I can afford to live on my current income, but, at least I've got that to look forward to.

 

AND, I'm starting to get to the point where I'm going out and getting back involved in my various hobbies and with my friends, which is wonderful and reminds me of how much I loved life and loved who I was before I got involved with her.

 

So, keep on the lawyers (or, better yet, research the links Eye of Hourus sent to do it yourself...I've become quite the expert on NYS divorce since this all came up), don't let her drag you into more financial difficulty. Once you get the process started, everything will be "frozen" and THEN you can start letting yourself focus on you and let her worry about herself.

 

Had some great talks this weekend with my cousin who came to visit and his new wife (both of them divorced with kids) and they both told me that, as hard as it was, their divorces were the best things that ever happened to them and their kids...lots of hope...

 

Well, I gotta go watch the kids sing Christmas carols, watch my wife "play" nice and then I'm taking the kids out to play and to dinner until I drop them off at home later. Then, I get to come back to my parents nice, quiet, calm house and get some freelance work done without anyone bitching at me about it.

 

Good stuff...

[sumdude]

I know you all are pushing all this financial and lawyer stuff.. I know it is all VERY important for my future. What I am focusing on most now (until the lawyers actually get back to me) is making myself happy and doing things that enrich my life... gotta keep my mind and body active! My wife sucks.. what a piece of s*** joke our marriage was.. 8 years together down the drain because she can't control her feelings or does not have enough moral sense to do what is right. GRRRRRRRRRRRR!

 

I know what you're going through. Believe me getting the legal process started is a big part of moving on to your new life. If you have to, use a credit card to pay for the separation agreement. Be wary of the online do it yourself paperwork. It only takes one mixed up phrase in a legal document to cause a problem. That was my experience. If you go that route at least have a lawyer look the papers over before you file them. When dealing with the legal stuff use your head! Do what you need to protect yourself and your future. Seeking emotional retribution through the legal system may backfire on you.

 

You've been living re actively up until now. Reacting to what she does. Waiting for her to make decisions. Once you take some control over what's going on you will feel a bit better about yourself and your future.

 

Get some solid exercise. Nothing like sweating your ba!!s off while your mind is racing to clear come of that out of your system.

Edited December 5, 2010 by sumdude

[2themoon&back]

I know what you're going through. Believe me getting the legal process started is a big part of moving on to your new life. If you have to, use a credit card to pay for the separation agreement. Be wary of the online do it yourself paperwork. It only takes one mixed up phrase in a legal document to cause a problem. That was my experience. If you go that route at least have a lawyer look the papers over before you file them. When dealing with the legal stuff use your head! Do what you need to protect yourself and your future. Seeking emotional retribution through the legal system may backfire on you.

 

You've been living re actively up until now. Reacting to what she does. Waiting for her to make decisions. Once you take some control over what's going on you will feel a bit better about yourself and your future.

 

Get some solid exercise. Nothing like sweating your ba!!s off while your mind is racing to clear come of that out of your system.

 

 

 

great advice and the emotional stuff can be worked out in IC and exercise, redirecting your energy to have some fun, or a good cry, either way i am happy to see you are considering things for you, not just her.

 

 

be proud you have come along way from where you started and in short order !!

[Surfer203]

Thanks all.. I am doing my best. I think I have a lawyer that is not a rip off artist finally. Going to set something up for next week and have a talk.

 

As far as the emotional stuff.. I have been excercising hard! I am finding myself still thinking about her a lot especially when I am trying to get to sleep. That all stopped for weeks but it is now back again.. great.

 

I am interested to see what happens when she gets the divorce papers.

[Surfer203]

Oh.. here is a question that I am not sure how to deal with.

 

Regarding our wireless phone bills.. I can either:

 

option A: Cancel her line with a $110 cancellation fee. This would have quite the impact of her realizing "uh oh, my phone is disconnected What the f***?!" She would pissed!

 

OR

 

option B: She can take over her line and pay for it herself - unfortunately this involves me having to contact her and discuss this.. also, she can't afford to pay for this! So it will be bad for her either way.

 

What do you guys think?

[Surfer203]

And she emailed me again about getting rid of her international roaming plan. I ignored her email again. She said "maybe you didn't get my first email but blah blah blah.. let me know you got this email - thanks, take care." F*** her.. I am done doing things for her. What else can I do this is legal to be a d***? I know I shouldn't bother but I want to.

[Darth Vader]

And she emailed me again about getting rid of her international roaming plan. I ignored her email again. She said "maybe you didn't get my first email but blah blah blah.. let me know you got this email - thanks, take care." F*** her.. I am done doing things for her. What else can I do this is legal to be a d***? I know I shouldn't bother but I want to.

 

 

Ok, it's great you now have a Lawyer. Have you two started drawing up the Divorce papers? Has he gone over your rights? Have you discussed about your wifes Infidelity and how that may help you in court? Have you asked him about securing your finances , credit cards and your home?

[Surfer203]

Darth: We have not met yet, but I am booked for a meeting this week. We will discuss everything top to bottom.

 

Thanks!