How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[carhill]

OP, create a dossier on your life and take that with you to the meeting. Having information at your fingertips is important to making the most of the meeting, should you retain the lawyer, as the time will then become billable. The more efficiently s/he can work, the less cost to you. Request in advance, should the lawyer be retained, what information they'd need to get started and gather it up. Not knowing your situation, that would be hard to advise. For myself, it was personal and business financials, will, family trust, asset and retirement documents and histories, credit reports, along with what I knew of same for my exW.

 

He asked me a question: 'If you had to pick one thing to retain out of this divorce, what would it be?'

 

My answer was 'My ability to pursue my life's work, enabling me to care for my mother until she passes away'.

 

Your path will be uniquely your own. Clarify it, then walk it. Good luck

[Surfer203]

carhill: Thanks for the advice! I am currently doing an Excel spreadsheet of her unemployment payments to me and her portion of the monthly expenses. The numbers are not weighing out in her favor. I will gather all financial info I can and be ready for the meeting. I am no longer playing around - I will fight for what I have worked so hard to enjoy in my life.. my house, my car, my salary and most importantly my way of life.

[Eye of Hourus]

Surfer,

 

Hope you read thru the guide (linked in my previous posts) this tells you exactly what info is required.

 

As Carhill suggested start up a dossier, use the CT divorce guide as your template, complete the documentation (it's a step by step process), gather the relevant information as required (see guide), note down what you want (exclusive posession of marital home) division of debt/assessets and take all of this with you whan you meet your lawyer for him to review/change as required. Then all you will need to do is take the documents down to the court house, pay the $225.00 filing fee and the State Marshalls serving fee $50.00 and you are on your way.

 

 

 

Good Luck, your doing well!

 

The Eye

 

“Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils” Louis-Hector Berlioz.

Edited December 5, 2010 by Eye of Hourus
clarity

[Surfer203]

The Eye: I am on the case. Thanks for your support!

[2010_Sorry]

Hey Surfer. Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you and I'm so sorry that your wife he decided to take this road. Some of us women are so incredibly stupid, we don't see the wonderful men standing right in front of us.

 

Do your best to move past your anger and hurt... I know, SO MUCH easier said than done. This will help you heal so that you are ready for the right woman that crosses your path.

[Surfer203]

2010 Sorry: I appreciate your thoughts! All I can do is press forward.. but something tells me this isn't over yet. I am still going to pursue a divorce, part of me feels like my wife will be crawling back at some point.. not my problem though!

 

I wish you luck with your situation as well... it is going to be a weird holiday season for a lot of us around here at LS.

[lkjh]

Dont do anything till you talk with a lawyer. Don't tip her off

[Surfer203]

I won't.. promise.

 

I did google her model boyfriend.. he is a good looking guy, of course he is.. 6'2" tall.. piercing blue eyes, salt and pepper hair (age 32 - isn't that weird?) anyway.. I can see why she likes him, what woman wouldn't?! You know, you would think it makes me feel bad, but it makes me feel fine - I think she is with him for shallow purposes.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am no ugly bastard but I am no model that's for sure, plus I am only 5'6" boo hoo! Clear choice.. go for the guy who is good looking and is a model rather than stick with your husband who is awesome to you and will treat you like a princess for the rest of your life. Her loss!

 

My wife is good looking, but this guy can probably pull in 10/10's. So, I am wondering how long it will be until he drops her when another pretty one comes along.

 

Plus he is from Australia, what kind of long term situation can they have?

 

Why am I doing this to myself.. I was getting over this! F***!

[debtman]

LET IT GO!!! Don't think about him, don't think about her. I know, easier said than done. BUT, any woman that is willing to do this to her husband is willing to do this to anyone. You're BETTER OFF without her!!

She has issues. YOU are not responsible for those. I'm angry with my wife and angry at her new bf, BUT more than anything, at this point, I feel sorry for both of them. Her because she's not fixing what's wrong with herself that she's willing to do this to me, our kids and herself. Him because he has NO IDEA what he's getting into and who knows how long she'll be able to fool him...

 

I'm going to be MUCH better off and have the opportunity to get back into MY life and, eventually, find someone to share that with that accepts me for who I am and loves themself for who they are...

 

Let her go!!!

 

[Surfer203]

Hard to do.. as you know.

 

NC is going strong though.. I think I found a way to transfer her phone account to her so I will no longer be responsible. I will have to email her the phone number to call.. but that is it basically.. pretty sweet!

 

Another thing off of my mind.

[Surfer203]

Have you ever just wanted to write a letter to your ex.. telling her all of the awful things she has done and how they have affected you? I think about doing this frequently.. but I guess there would be no positive outcome.

[hopesndreams]

Write the letter. Write many letters. Get all your thoughts down on paper. Then put them away.

 

What outcome would you want if you sent a letter to her?

[Surfer203]

hopesanddreams: I guess I just want her to hear everything.. hear how awful of a thing she did was.. tell her what I think of her. Etc.

[debtman]

SHE doesn't matter anymore...besides, she already knows but won't face it on her own, do you think hearing it from you will help HER any?? The only person that can be helped by writing it all down is YOU. I've written MANY unsent letters to my wife. Even written a few to my kids about their mother (password protected so they can't "accidentally" find them), but I'd never send them because it won't help her.

BUT, it does help. I keep a journal...helps to be able to face your emotions, codify your feelings and it will give you something to look back on down the road, when you are happy and in a good place...

[hopesndreams]

If you do it, you will get a reply, but nothing you would want to hear. People like your W don't want to read about the bad things they've done. Sure, you will hear the sorry, etc, but if you keep pressing on it, they get defensive and lash back at you. Most of what they have to say would then be exaggerated beyond belief, pointing out all your flaws and they will blame you for what they have done. From everything you have written about her, she isn't even experiencing any guilt or shame. She will also let the OM read the letter and say to him "See what an a**hole he is?".

[HopelessinDTW]

SHE doesn't matter anymore...besides, she already knows but won't face it on her own, do you think hearing it from you will help HER any?? The only person that can be helped by writing it all down is YOU. I've written MANY unsent letters to my wife. Even written a few to my kids about their mother (password protected so they can't "accidentally" find them), but I'd never send them because it won't help her.

BUT, it does help. I keep a journal...helps to be able to face your emotions, codify your feelings and it will give you something to look back on down the road, when you are happy and in a good place...

The first sentance here is key...you need to believe and live it. Once you do, then you can ask yourself why the hell you ever consider telling a selfing, self-centered person why she hurt you so much....she didn't care then...she won't care now. Perhaps some time down the road she might get to her senses, but by then you won't give a s**t.

[Surfer203]

I know all this, I just keep going through waves of caring and not caring. Part of the rollercoaster I guess. I am letting go but it is a slow process.

 

I know its soon but my brother is setting me up to go on a date with woman his wife knows. I am going to go on the date but will be truthful with her and let her know I am looking for someone to have dinner and hang out with casually. Is this.a bad idea? I think it will help me heal and forget my wife.

[hopesndreams]

You can't forget her. She will always be there but by grieving and acceptance the pain will lessen, in time. Just try being alone for a bit. Take this time to find out who you are and find happiness from within. Don't look to others to free you from your pain. This is something you must do on your own. It will make you a stronger person mentally and emotionally for yourself and for whoever you meet in the future.

[Eye of Hourus]

Surfer,

 

By all means enjoy company, but guard your heart and your integrity.

 

Avoid situations that may be too intimate. You wont have to wait too long....

just get the D filed and your good to go! (But guard your heart)

 

The Eye

 

"The luck of having talent is not enough; one must also have a talent for luck." - Louis Hector Berlioz

[debtman]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. It sucks. It's because you LOVED her and part of you is now gone and you miss it. Nothing wrong with that. Just remember that you're DEALING with it now (unlike her) and you need time to get over her and get back to being YOU. A whole you...that doesn't NEED anyone else and his happy with who YOU are.

 

You can go out on a date if you want, I know I've considered it and have had several people offer to hook me up. It would be nice to get a little "strange" after such a long relationship and to get some distraction. BUT, I've never been a one night stand kind of guy. Not looking for a hollow relationship with someone else who I will just end up hurting when they realize that I'm still hung up on my last relationship. PLUS, I'm still not divorced yet, and, regardless of what my wife is doing, I took vows that I believed in and I will NOT cheat on her. Let that burden be on her. I didn't get married to get divorced and I believed what I was saying when I made those promises. If she wants to end them and act like it never happened, she will carry that into her next relationship/marriage but I won't let her drag me down. She's already tried to hook me up with one of her friends, as bizarre as that is. Anything to assuage her guilt. I won't give her that satisfaction.

 

Any person that I would want to get into a serious relationship with deserves more than I can offer now. I do have girl friends that I've gone and hung out with, but they were friends that I already had. I haven't tried to make any new "relationships" or friends since this happened because I can't offer a new person in my life the real "me." I have gone on some dating sites and looked around, just to re-assure myself that there are still lots of women still out there when I get to that point, but, I think I'm going to focus on getting myself happy, getting this behind me and moving FORWARD. She can stay in the same rut she's been in for the last 15 years if she wants, but I refuse to let that happen to me.

 

I need to focus on this marriage/relationship as a learning experience and actually learn from it instead of reacting and letting my emotions control my actions.

 

Head up! Remember who it was that you were BEFORE her and start building from that person and just add all the positive things you've learned from this experience.

 

Every challenge in life is an opportunity...TAKE IT!

[Darth Vader]

Darth: We have not met yet, but I am booked for a meeting this week. We will discuss everything top to bottom.

 

Thanks!

 

 

Oh, ok, at least you have one now. Realize we're not getting on to you to make you feel bad, we just don't want you to feel even worse than you do now by getting screwed over twice by the same woman! Let some other woman have a crack at ya! J/K!:lmao:

[Darth Vader]

I won't.. promise.

 

I did google her model boyfriend.. he is a good looking guy, of course he is.. 6'2" tall.. piercing blue eyes, salt and pepper hair (age 32 - isn't that weird?) anyway.. I can see why she likes him, what woman wouldn't?! You know, you would think it makes me feel bad, but it makes me feel fine - I think she is with him for shallow purposes.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am no ugly bastard but I am no model that's for sure, plus I am only 5'6" boo hoo! Clear choice.. go for the guy who is good looking and is a model rather than stick with your husband who is awesome to you and will treat you like a princess for the rest of your life. Her loss!

 

My wife is good looking, but this guy can probably pull in 10/10's. So, I am wondering how long it will be until he drops her when another pretty one comes along.

 

Plus he is from Australia, what kind of long term situation can they have?

 

Why am I doing this to myself.. I was getting over this! F***!

 

I want you to reread the bolded part above 100 times, well, because you got to see your Lawyer about Divorce stuff, do it as soon as you can! My point is, this is WHY we wanted you to get the Lawyer so fast, at least in part, because she's gonna come crawling back to you eventually! Of course it will be after she's had all of her fun and sex and she will likely be preggers with OM's child!

 

You see, if you do nothing, then you're her "fall back guy" her plan b, that's not love my friend!

[Fufu]

Surfer: There are more than 1 beautiful lady and I believe LS has many gorgeous ladies that are looking for the right one for them.

 

 

For the letter, I share with you my experience.

 

I wrote a very long letter to my ex-bf telling him how I feel and what went wrong in our relationship, we had 2 big quarrels that kind of resulted into the break up. I thought by writing a long letter of what went wrong and how we could salvage the relationship will work or at least he may start to think that the relationship is worth restoring.

 

Guess what was his replied?

 

Thanks for your letter and sharing with me your feelings. However, I feel my decision is right. We have too many differences and at the moment getting back together is awkward.

 

So after 2 months, we still not gotten back together...

 

Telling your feelings to her now doesn't matter anymore, in fact you felt more worse if she replied words not what you expected.

 

I've learnt that silence is a virture.

[Surfer203]

Thanks everyone for the reassurance. I am just riding the rollercoaster currently.. it is not a fun ride and I get motion sickness quite easily it seems.

 

I will write the letter but not send it. I think you are right Fufu.. it will have no impact and I will probably get the same exact response as you got from your ex.

 

Darth - I will keep reading those sentences over and over.. I know them to be true.. I know how this will pan out. I think that will be my sweet satisfaction. Not exacting some sort of financial/law based revenge.. just watching what happens to her.

 

I have another therapy session tonight, I have been going every week. I think it has been helpful so far, I am going to discuss the recent wave of anger with him.. but I think it has to do with the NC. NC is good to heal, but I am finding myself wanting to talk to her and interact, even if it is not the same as when we were together. I will stick to the NC though.

[debtman]

Yes! Stick to it. I wish I could do NC, but, having to see her almost every day to get/drop off the kids sucks. Plus, I keep getting emails/phone calls from her "about the kids" and it's annoying when the emails say things like "Have a GREAT day!" I often write replies to her that I don't send (I'm careful to remove her address before I start writing it just in case I accidentally his Send instead of Save).

 

Hard to heal when she tells me things like last night "XXX is coming over when you have the kids, so he may be here when you come to drop them off." I told her I'd let the kids out in the driveway and say goodnight to them so I didn't have to come in (to MY house!). When I showed up, he wasn't there. I'm sure that wasn't her decision, but he at least seems to be conscious of how their affair is affecting me (since he's married with kids).

 

She's completely oblivious to my feelings and is so caught up in her new reality that it's hard to watch because part of me still cares for her because of all the good memories I do have, but, I have to remind myself that this isn't the same person that I was married to. Not the same person I knew. It's like it's the same body, but the mind has been switched out with someone who never cared for me.

 

So, stick with the NC, get involved in YOUR life again and get the process started NOW. You can't really move forward until you get all the "loose ends" of your old life wrapped up.

 

Our divorce is going to be my Christmas present to myself and 2011 is going to be the year of me and the kids!