How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[Surfer203]

debtman: Thanks.. I will do my best to stick to it. I too write her email responses and then don't send them. Mine tend to get angry and nasty though.. haha.

 

That makes things tough, the fact that you have to interact because of the kids and the potential to see the OM would be a nightmare for me. If I saw the guy on the street, I don't know what I would do. I would like to think I would take the high road but I'm not so sure anymore.

 

This sounds all too familiar.. completely oblivious to my feelings.. haha same s*** here. She claims she loves me and always will and so forth - if you really do why would you do this to me and why would you treat me like this.

 

I am speaking to several lawyers and seeing who is best for me.

 

Enjoy your Xmas gift! That should be nice.

[Ballerfamily]

I have learned the hard way. I emailed many heart felt letters to ex with hundreds of text messages. You either get no response, or you get something you don't want or need to hear. Then it just makes you want to do something that would get you in trouble.

 

What I have found, is they will share your emails,texts, with there friends and family, (especially the not so nice ones) and all it does is make you look like a nut. I always felt like after Dday, is different then before. But others don't see it like that.

 

I just want mine to acknowledge my pain and hurt. Nada, won't happen. Then you start getting things back about you watching to much ESPN, you forgot this birthday, etc, and it will just infuriate you.

 

When I see a picture, etc, of her with OM it just sets me off, even though I wouldn't take her back in any fashion. He and her perpetuated such evil, calculating hurt and pain on me and my boys. I cant understand how she can get up in the morning and look in the mirror. Writing her just justifies in her mind that your a nut job. And I for the first time, am sharing the devastaion and hurt in words to her. Doesn't matter. They use against you.

[Ballerfamily]

Mine then called these heart felt, sobbing emails, texts, as irreperable damage.

 

lol, and they are cheating on us. The mindset, is something that you, I, others cannot relate to. Instead of effecting them, it makes them stronger. Why, because they know how you feel. And your wife, doesn't want to know your feelings, because it just reiterates who they are, and they hate that. They don't get that from OM. They get warm fuzzies, pretends he agrees and cares about everything. You as the husband have no chance but to leave her alone and let her experience him using her, which we all know. They dont. Hard for us to understand. F___ it. I now have better things and people to meet. TELL THAT TO YOURSELF 100 TIMES A DAY IF YOU HAVE TO.

[slowbutSURE]

Surfer good job on the attorney get it moving forward. From my perspective, getting the attorney IS taking care of yourself. Taking care, hitting things in the gym whatever but do good things for you!

FYI. I too am in financial limbo. Lost my job, trying to start up something on my own in same field BUT its seasonal and winter is not the season. What did I do? I pulled money from my retirement to get a big gun. 10% penalty right off the top, have to pay income tax on it since it was previously not taxed. Its a tough pill to swallow but I will continue to pull as much money as I need to fund this war!

To answer Darth, my wife is lying to my youngest daughter to manipulate custody. My wife has had NUMEROUS affairs throughout our 26 years of marriage.

NUMEROUS.

26 years.

The mother of our girls puts herself first, initially lied to both girls but the older one figured it out. Tried to paint me as angry, hostile mentally abusive and awful father. Older daughter figured out my "anger" was trying to convince my wife to get away from OM. Nothing more to it. We NEVER fought at all, about anything until her friend came into the picture. Daughter laughed about it later saying, "No wonder you would get angry with Mom, she kept telling us it was all your fault".

Money? She makes over six figures ,I am recently unemployed. I inherited some money, loads of antiques etc. What does she consider fair and equitable? Me leaving the house, giving her all the furniture and custody of our minor daughter. FU*K, who wouldn't jump on that? BTW, some of the money I inherited put us into the house, PLUS I worked third shift, while she went back to school, to put her career in place which now created that six figure income.

Getting the picture?????? HER. HER. HER. She is first on her priority list, above her marriage, her husband and her children. I will dislocate a finger putting all of the other crap on here. BUT I will if I need to.

BTW. My state, debts get split 50-50, regardless of whose name they're in. If they were acquired during marriage, they are both of your responsibility.

Infidelity. My State could care less! Just comes down to numbers.

The person I thought I knew, has turned out to be someone I don't even recognize. I have learned to go with the facts, go with my gut and put emotion and caring into myself and girls. STBXW is nothing but a drain on the whole system. A selfish individual who cares for NO ONE but herself. Her kids take a backseat, if any seat at all. I am a guy and that is too screwed up for me to comprehend.

[Ballerfamily]

and remember this surfer, she is with as you stated a hot looking model. (mine is with a 4, if that) he is willing to cheat with MW. Shows his character. He probally having sex with many others as well. And remember my man in weakness, if you have sex with her again then you F__ed all his partners as well. Get the picture.

 

You and I and many others have more self respect for ourselves then that. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. STAY STRONG. And ride that roller coaster. May take a year or two. Depends on how much you loved her.

Cry, feel the pain, and then get over it till the next time. And eventually, it subsides, again depends on how much you loved her.

 

AND IF YOU DOUBT YOURSELF, THE QUICKER YOU GET OVER HER, IS HOW MUCH YOU LOVED HER.

 

Darth Vader, dearly loved his ex. Simple as that, and people give him grief because of his anger. To me, he is true. Here's to you DARTH VADER.

Edited December 6, 2010 by Ballerfamily

[slowbutSURE]

Part2

I know I am somewhat rambling but feel this needs to be shared too. I have been told I am a "catch". 6'2", good looking, in shape, good father, funny. Hell her family wants, "me" to stay around and distanced themselves from her. Told numerous times, when women find out your available, they will be hunting you down.

Her recent "friend"? Slightly overweight. Out of shape. 13 years older than me. (I am 50) Zero personality. Arrogant jerk! We socialized together until i knew what was going on.

Looks have nothing to do with it! When he drops your wife for something new, she will try to come through your door. My door is welded shut! She made her choices very clear early on. Now that I have made my choices clear, she is not happy shooting anything she can lay her hands on.

Take good care of YOU!!

[Ballerfamily]

Surfer good job on the attorney get it moving forward. From my perspective, getting the attorney IS taking care of yourself. Taking care, hitting things in the gym whatever but do good things for you!

FYI. I too am in financial limbo. Lost my job, trying to start up something on my own in same field BUT its seasonal and winter is not the season. What did I do? I pulled money from my retirement to get a big gun. 10% penalty right off the top, have to pay income tax on it since it was previously not taxed. Its a tough pill to swallow but I will continue to pull as much money as I need to fund this war!

To answer Darth, my wife is lying to my youngest daughter to manipulate custody. My wife has had NUMEROUS affairs throughout our 26 years of marriage.

NUMEROUS.

26 years.

The mother of our girls puts herself first, initially lied to both girls but the older one figured it out. Tried to paint me as angry, hostile mentally abusive and awful father. Older daughter figured out my "anger" was trying to convince my wife to get away from OM. Nothing more to it. We NEVER fought at all, about anything until her friend came into the picture. Daughter laughed about it later saying, "No wonder you would get angry with Mom, she kept telling us it was all your fault".

Money? She makes over six figures ,I am recently unemployed. I inherited some money, loads of antiques etc. What does she consider fair and equitable? Me leaving the house, giving her all the furniture and custody of our minor daughter. FU*K, who wouldn't jump on that? BTW, some of the money I inherited put us into the house, PLUS I worked third shift, while she went back to school, to put her career in place which now created that six figure income.

Getting the picture?????? HER. HER. HER. She is first on her priority list, above her marriage, her husband and her children. I will dislocate a finger putting all of the other crap on here. BUT I will if I need to.

BTW. My state, debts get split 50-50, regardless of whose name they're in. If they were acquired during marriage, they are both of your responsibility.

Infidelity. My State could care less! Just comes down to numbers.

The person I thought I knew, has turned out to be someone I don't even recognize. I have learned to go with the facts, go with my gut and put emotion and caring into myself and girls. STBXW is nothing but a drain on the whole system. A selfish individual who cares for NO ONE but herself. Her kids take a backseat, if any seat at all. I am a guy and that is too screwed up for me to comprehend.

 

Wow, are stories couldn't be more the same. OMG, my 19 yr old son figured it out just like yours

[Surfer203]

Thanks all.. I was starting to feel a bit weak but I think you have kicked my a** back into reality. This weekend I didn't really get out much, so I think I dwelled on situation too much, bad stuff.. have to get the hell out of the house whenever possible.

 

slowbutSURE: I know how this is going to play out man. This guy will get tired of her leaching off of him.. she has not job or money. It will get old for sure. My door needs to be welded shut. I will work on that soon.

 

ballerfamily: You are absolutely right about the mindset of a cheater. It really is sick. How can some one transform like that.. pretend that everything they stood for prior was bulls***. What a joke. You are right.. how can they wake up each morning and feel good about starting another day off while the person they wronged is miserable and damaged.

[slowbutSURE]

No doubt the youngest girl will see it one day too. Either on her own or the older sister will enlighten her.

Tried to illustrate to my wife what she would be throwing away. Nope. Would not see any of it. Did marriage counseling for well over a year, the counselor told me finally, "Sometimes they just don't get it". My wife should be the president of that club!

Surfer, I have learned so much by reading stories/posts on this site. I feel it is my turn to help others because I feel strong enough to do that. Some might call it, Misery loves company. I call it, God I am not insane, she is!

[Surfer203]

Haha.. I hear you! My wife is the nut job too. I am sane and rational and it feels good to be in that position yet frustrating because you can never make your spouse understand.

[Ballerfamily]

Haha.. I hear you! My wife is the nut job too. I am sane and rational and it feels good to be in that position yet frustrating because you can never make your spouse understand.

 

Has she showed up at the front door with her belongings? She hasn't forgotten where you live. She has made her choice. She has to go down this road. Women, especially, if they can force themselves to leave and move out, are usually gone. Only something supernatural will bring them back. (and I mean, for real. They all fake it at one time or another) Instinct, gut, and her actions. The only thing you need to pay attention to. She has painted the picture in whole for you to see.

 

All of us BS make it so hard because we are so devastated. If she cared, on DDay, she would have been on her knees.

 

This is what scared me at one point. What if she came back? OMG. I didn't want to deal with that. Talk about a catch 22. She is at least 6 months or longer, if at all. If she can make it 2 weeks away, she will let it run its course most likely.

 

Your decision, am I willing to put my life on hold, for a losing proposition. You will never get the old wife back. That is what is so sad, hurtful, depressing.

[Surfer203]

ballerfamily: I don't think you could have said it better.. even if they come back they will never be the same person that we loved throughout our relationships. Very sad indeed. The annoying thing is my wife keeps saying "I could never fully say no to you" - this kind of statement is infuriating... just keeping me on the line. So when you say once they actually move out and go they will never come back, it is conflicting with that statement my wife made. I hate that. I told her - "just tell me NO, just tell me you want a divorce!" and she wouldn't/couldn't do it. I mean... come on!

[Darth Vader]

Yes! Stick to it. I wish I could do NC, but, having to see her almost every day to get/drop off the kids sucks. Plus, I keep getting emails/phone calls from her "about the kids" and it's annoying when the emails say things like "Have a GREAT day!" I often write replies to her that I don't send (I'm careful to remove her address before I start writing it just in case I accidentally his Send instead of Save).

 

Hard to heal when she tells me things like last night "XXX is coming over when you have the kids, so he may be here when you come to drop them off." I told her I'd let the kids out in the driveway and say goodnight to them so I didn't have to come in (to MY house!). When I showed up, he wasn't there. I'm sure that wasn't her decision, but he at least seems to be conscious of how their affair is affecting me (since he's married with kids).

 

She's completely oblivious to my feelings and is so caught up in her new reality that it's hard to watch because part of me still cares for her because of all the good memories I do have, but, I have to remind myself that this isn't the same person that I was married to. Not the same person I knew. It's like it's the same body, but the mind has been switched out with someone who never cared for me.

 

So, stick with the NC, get involved in YOUR life again and get the process started NOW. You can't really move forward until you get all the "loose ends" of your old life wrapped up.

 

Our divorce is going to be my Christmas present to myself and 2011 is going to be the year of me and the kids!

 

 

Gotta ask debtman, if OM's married, why not inform his wife of screwing around on her with your wife?

[debtman]

slowButSure is right, it's all HER at this point. I just got an email from my wife letting me know that, since she has to move out of our house by May 1 (as part of our mediation), she wants the OM to move in Feb. 1 so that they can make sure they can live together before they buy a house together.

 

To make that work, she wants me to commit to putting a toilet in the upstairs bathroom that I've been renovating so that his kids have a bathroom they can use when they come to stay at our house for those 3 months! She offered that he will put in the toilet, do the electric, etc. but I don't want ANYONE, much less him, doing ANY work on the house that will eventually be mine.

 

Not sure how to communicate that to her without her just thinking I'm trying to sabotage their relationship so I emailed our mediator about this. Can't believe the GALL of her asking me for this. Especially after the mediator already told us that we should wait 6-9 months before taking ANY of our attention off our kids...insanity!!!!

 

I've been trying REALLY hard to make this as easy as possible for everyone, but this seems to be going above and beyond rationality and she just has no concern at all for my feelings, the kids perceptions, etc.

 

I suggested that she moves out into a rental house with him so that they can "practice" living together, but she feels that would be too disruptive to the kids having to move 2 times.

[Surfer203]

debtman: Screw that.. let her move into the rental. You have been put out enough - you don't need to be doing work for anyone nor making accomodations for your wife to live without you. That is hog s***.

[What_Next]

Surfer you are doing VERY well! I know how hard it is to go through what you are going through. My wife did cheat, but she didn't do 0.0001% of what yours has done. We've even discussed your situation and even she says that she deserves to have her a$$ handed to her.

 

Avoid contact, write those letters if they help, then burn them. Let your lawyer do the talking for you.

 

As for that date, sure take it, but keep it VERY casual. Adding a third party is a receipe for disaster. Trust me, I went that route and I wish I had not. Even though most people on here were telling me not to, I ignored it all because "I knew better". Get happy in your own skin first.

[Surfer203]

What_Next: Thanks for the words of encouragement! I really do appreciate it. I agree she deserves her a** handed to her.. my sister-in-law wants to be the one to do it... haha.. she won't though.

 

I will not send the letters.. not worth the effort or fallout that will ensue.

 

The date.. hmmm yeah.. I am thinking it may be weird. Plus I will have to be honest with the woman and that will almost 100% be a deal breaker. Tough situation to be in. As much as I want to move on, it may not be time yet.

[Darth Vader]

Surfer good job on the attorney get it moving forward. From my perspective, getting the attorney IS taking care of yourself. Taking care, hitting things in the gym whatever but do good things for you!

FYI. I too am in financial limbo. Lost my job, trying to start up something on my own in same field BUT its seasonal and winter is not the season. What did I do? I pulled money from my retirement to get a big gun. 10% penalty right off the top, have to pay income tax on it since it was previously not taxed. Its a tough pill to swallow but I will continue to pull as much money as I need to fund this war!

To answer Darth, my wife is lying to my youngest daughter to manipulate custody. My wife has had NUMEROUS affairs throughout our 26 years of marriage.

NUMEROUS.

26 years.

The mother of our girls puts herself first, initially lied to both girls but the older one figured it out. Tried to paint me as angry, hostile mentally abusive and awful father. Older daughter figured out my "anger" was trying to convince my wife to get away from OM. Nothing more to it. We NEVER fought at all, about anything until her friend came into the picture. Daughter laughed about it later saying, "No wonder you would get angry with Mom, she kept telling us it was all your fault".

Money? She makes over six figures ,I am recently unemployed. I inherited some money, loads of antiques etc. What does she consider fair and equitable? Me leaving the house, giving her all the furniture and custody of our minor daughter. FU*K, who wouldn't jump on that? BTW, some of the money I inherited put us into the house, PLUS I worked third shift, while she went back to school, to put her career in place which now created that six figure income.

Getting the picture?????? HER. HER. HER. She is first on her priority list, above her marriage, her husband and her children. I will dislocate a finger putting all of the other crap on here. BUT I will if I need to.

BTW. My state, debts get split 50-50, regardless of whose name they're in. If they were acquired during marriage, they are both of your responsibility.

Infidelity. My State could care less! Just comes down to numbers.

The person I thought I knew, has turned out to be someone I don't even recognize. I have learned to go with the facts, go with my gut and put emotion and caring into myself and girls. STBXW is nothing but a drain on the whole system. A selfish individual who cares for NO ONE but herself. Her kids take a backseat, if any seat at all. I am a guy and that is too screwed up for me to comprehend.

 

 

Whoa now, don't hurt yourself, you might need that finger later!:lmao:

 

Anyway, since the debts are spilt, what about the 6 figure salary? Lemme guess, the state's a S H I T hole? Doesn't do anything that's in favor for men, huh? Do you live in Illinois by any chance?

 

I hope you got a really BIG GUN Lawyer, you're gonna need it! BTW, how's it going with the Big Guns Lawyer anyway?

[slowbutSURE]

Don't want to do a threadjacking but want to prove my "talk" is backed up with walk.

Darth. I live in Ohio and that six figure salary, guess who will be paying me?

Yep! No SH*T. Chalk one up for the good guys! Even her attorney had to own up to that one. It was referred to as, she needed to "maintain the lifestyle I had become accustomed to."

The Big Gun? Worth it. We had one of our first meetings on my wifes terms at her atty's office. Boom, no contest! We dominated time of possession and her atty. mostly sat with his head looking down. STBXW cried and had to leave the room. Bummer! All the tricks of manipulation which the wife applied to me had NO affect on my atty. Meeting over, next one scheduled to discuss $$ in more detail and my atty motions to where the wife was sitting prior to leaving the room, says, "Wow. She's got some Fu**ing issues".

As for my finger, oh yeah I will be needing it. Got papers to sign with it first of all!

[Darth Vader]

slowButSure is right, it's all HER at this point. I just got an email from my wife letting me know that, since she has to move out of our house by May 1 (as part of our mediation), she wants the OM to move in Feb. 1 so that they can make sure they can live together before they buy a house together.

 

To make that work, she wants me to commit to putting a toilet in the upstairs bathroom that I've been renovating so that his kids have a bathroom they can use when they come to stay at our house for those 3 months! She offered that he will put in the toilet, do the electric, etc. but I don't want ANYONE, much less him, doing ANY work on the house that will eventually be mine.

 

Not sure how to communicate that to her without her just thinking I'm trying to sabotage their relationship so I emailed our mediator about this. Can't believe the GALL of her asking me for this. Especially after the mediator already told us that we should wait 6-9 months before taking ANY of our attention off our kids...insanity!!!!

 

I've been trying REALLY hard to make this as easy as possible for everyone, but this seems to be going above and beyond rationality and she just has no concern at all for my feelings, the kids perceptions, etc.

 

I suggested that she moves out into a rental house with him so that they can "practice" living together, but she feels that would be too disruptive to the kids having to move 2 times.

 

I can tell you right now she's rubbing your nose in it. I mean if the OM did do anything to the house, sure you get the house, but, you'll be reminded of him and her! She want's OM to move in so the can "christen" the house, so to speak, as in screwing anywhere and everywhere in the house, you realize that, right? That's what I'm getting! Very EVIL and vindictive of her!

 

If I were you, I'd try to have it mandated through your Lawyer that OM is NOT to come around your house so your children aren't exposed to the bastard!

[debtman]

Darth,

 

Good question on letting his ex know. I don't even know his last name (or want to), but I'm pretty sure she already knows since my wife told me that there was someone outside the house a week or so ago taking pictures of them through the window and she was asking if it was me. Of course, it wasn't, so I can only assume it was a PI she hired...

 

Hope he gets his ass handed to him...

 

Still can't even think about her asking me to put in a toilet for his kids in MY house! Not sure what to say to her tonight when I go over to put the kids to bed. Just hope to get out of there before I explode on her...

[Surfer203]

Speaking of private investigators... should I hire one to snap some photos/video of them together? I may need some concrete proof of her extra marital relationship.

[debtman]

Darth,

Good point. The thought of him living there makes me crazy, but I know he's already been over there "christening" the house after the kids have gone to bed. Plus, I know how sexually repressed she is, so I'm pretty sure they're sticking to the bed...

We're going through mediation instead of using lawyers to save money and try to keep things "fair" but this seems to be a bit much.

Just talked to the mediator and she told me that I could look at is as her buying the supplies for me to fix up the bathroom which I was planning to do anyway, it's just that I have to move that forward on the "schedule" and deal with the fact that he and his kids will be using it until I get in.

Still, hard to swallow...I understand she wants to "practice" living with him and doesn't want to get a rental house because she's afraid she won't be able to keep up the charade long enough to convince him to buy a place with her if she has to move her schedule out 6-12 months by signing a rental lease...

[Darth Vader]

Don't want to do a threadjacking but want to prove my "talk" is backed up with walk.

Darth. I live in Ohio and that six figure salary, guess who will be paying me?

Yep! No SH*T. Chalk one up for the good guys! Even her attorney had to own up to that one. It was referred to as, she needed to "maintain the lifestyle I had become accustomed to."

The Big Gun? Worth it. We had one of our first meetings on my wifes terms at her atty's office. Boom, no contest! We dominated time of possession and her atty. mostly sat with his head looking down. STBXW cried and had to leave the room. Bummer! All the tricks of manipulation which the wife applied to me had NO affect on my atty. Meeting over, next one scheduled to discuss $$ in more detail and my atty motions to where the wife was sitting prior to leaving the room, says, "Wow. She's got some Fu**ing issues".

As for my finger, oh yeah I will be needing it. Got papers to sign with it first of all!

 

You have no need to prove anything here. I don't think it's possible to go off topic and Threadjack on this one, unless it's something like cookies or something(had chocolate chip cookies!). Anyway, I don't think the poster minds anyway, at least about posting your story on here, after all, he gets to see other people going through the exact same thing he's going through, so he doesn't feel all alone, plus he can see some, if not all of his situation from another angle. You know, like looking at it from the outside rather than looking from the inside out.

 

He also gets inside info from others who did fight the fight and came out winner in the end, unfortunately there are those who have lost on these forums as well, it would be well if he heard from some of them as well so he can prevent something bad from happening to him!

 

In your situation, WOW! I'm impressed! Is there anyway you could put the money back in time so you don't have to pay the penalties? Even if you can't, it's still a bargin basement deal! Heck, just to get away from the HEX- I mean, the Ex!:lmao:

 

"maintain the lifestyle I had become accustomed to.

 

I know it's wrong, but, I love this! Men hear this all the time. Good to hear a change up! Just make sure you don't remarry anytime soon!

 

I wonder though, how did you keep from LMAOROFL during the meeting?

[Darth Vader]

Darth,

 

Good question on letting his ex know. I don't even know his last name (or want to), but I'm pretty sure she already knows since my wife told me that there was someone outside the house a week or so ago taking pictures of them through the window and she was asking if it was me. Of course, it wasn't, so I can only assume it was a PI she hired...

 

Hope he gets his ass handed to him...

 

Still can't even think about her asking me to put in a toilet for his kids in MY house! Not sure what to say to her tonight when I go over to put the kids to bed. Just hope to get out of there before I explode on her...

 

Don't do it! It's not your job to accommadate(sp) him!