How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[Surfer203]

Here we go.. just what I expected. I am a crazy idiot maybe. Thanks guys!

 

Ahhh!!!

 

iheartboobs: It is what I want ultimately.. but we will see. It is not 100% yet, she knows she can be kicked to the curb at any time.

 

carhill: What do you mean by hysterical bonding?

[carhill]

carhill: What do you mean by hysterical bonding?

This:

we shared a lot of tears and words. Lots of happy smiling stares at eachother that turned into tears. She messaged me yesterday saying she made a huge mistake and loved me and wanted to be back with me. I picked her up last night and brought back all of her stuff. She didn't tell the OM - she just left. He is apparently quite a piece of s*** from what she tells me.

 

OM is under the bus and the reconnection sex will be exquisite.

 

Here's a clue train. The OM isn't the ahole she's making him out to be right now and you aren't the ahole she was telling him you were while she was accepting the attentions of his 'quite a piece of s***' ass.

 

The best way to learn from this is to go through it. See it all the way to the end. Clarity is a wonderful gift. I hope the holidays provide you many.

[2010_Sorry]

Surfer.... This is wonderful news! I'm sure there are a lot of people on this site that will disagree, but I TRULY believe that experiences like these CAN and DO change some people.

 

Be patient with her and be patient with yourself. You both will and probably are experiencing a lot of painful emotions. If you both are 100% honest with your fears, worries and goals, your marriage will come out of this stronger and better than ever. I truly believe it!

 

Be cautiously optimistic though. She needs to do the work right now... she needs to prove to you how much she loves you, how she is working on earning your trust back and regrets the mistake that she made. Take it slow, but congratulations on swallowing your pride and making an effort. I'm sure it was and still is a tough decision.

 

Ah.... I love that you and What_Next are trying to reconcile! It's AWESOME to see people try to make it work, even in such adversity!

[What_Next]

Surfer, I am not surprised at all.

 

Now did you tell her about you consulting a lawyer? If not, you need to.

 

Please PM me! I have a lot of things I'd like to tell you, but they are best one on one. Heck give me your phone number and I'd like to talk to you and save the typing....

 

Only you know what you want at this point, but trust me my friend you thought there was a roller coaster before????? HA! You haven't seen anything yet!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Owl]

Surfer....I don't normally post here on the seperation forum as much, but I wanted to agree with the advice you were given about being VERY cautious, and about making her do the work.

 

Right now, you're both in the euphoria of reconnecting. That will fade...and odds are she'll start having 'third thoughts" and potentially reconnect with OM.

 

You need to INSIST on action to prevent this.

 

She needs to burn that bridge with him...TODAY. She needs to TELL him that it's over, that she's chosen to reconcile with you, and that all contact between them needs to end permanently. She needs to copy you on that communication...it can't be a meeting or call or exchange of any kind just between her and him.

 

You're going to need to sit and discuss next steps. What damage has been done to your marriage (especially around trust), and how to go about repairing it, as well as helping to work out what led to her choice to have an affair, and fix those issues as well.

 

This isn't going to be fixed this week...or this month, or even next year. It's going to take time, and a LOT of effort and work on both parts.

 

And she's going to have to REMOVE the OM from her life permanently. She's going to have to rebuild your trust in her by demonstrating how she's now trustworthy.

 

You guys probably aren't going to be able to do this on your own. Marriage counseling, with someone who's got a good plan on how to deal with the aftermath of infidelity...will probably be a key factor in here.

 

Realize that you're not off the "rollercoaster ride" of emotions yet. You're just on a peak...the ride is still going.

 

Be ready to DEAL with all of this.

 

Don't just try to ride the ride and hope everything fixes itself.

[Surfer203]

Hey all. thanks for the responses.

 

She does not even want to say ANYTHING to the OM. She just left with no note or anything, so.. I am not sure what will go on. I am not worried about running back to him - turns out he has BPD and drinks.. and gets angry quite easily.

 

2010Sorry: Thanks a lot - I kind of believe that too. If we can truly make it through this, we will be pretty strong in the ed.

 

What_Next: I would be happy to give you my number - we can chat in the next couple of days.. gotta find some time alone from my wife. I will attempt to PM you - never tried that.

 

Carhill: I hope the holidays bring joy - I know it will be hard for my wife to see my family this year.. not sure if she will have the balls to come to their house for Xmas. I am planning on going still, with or without her.

 

Owl: I hear you loud and clear.. you are wise. I am aware of the continuation of the roller coaster.. I feel it is worth it at this point. I can always get off the ride though! Let that thing crash into a wall or something, haha.

[Surfer203]

What_Next: Forgot to address... yes I did tell her I had divorce papers ready and that I was about to change the locks. Also, told her the other things I was planning, get rid of her clothing/belongings, cancel her cell phone account. etc.

[What_Next]

Surfer, please do so; the offer stands. Also don't believe I am going to try and talk you out of this, heavens no. This is your choice, you'll have to live with the consequences. I just want to give you the benefit of my experience.

 

DON'T TRUST HER regarding her classification of the OM!!! She is full of s___t. She is full of it. She realized the grass isn't greener and she is back peddling.

 

Trust me when I say that her behavior will be as predictable as the sun rising tomorrow. If you take the time to learn what it will be you won't be caught off guard, you won't be snowed.

 

The risk is yours, but heed what is being told to you.

 

Show her LS in a little while. NOT NOW!!!! Do it eventually though.

[Owl]

Surfer...if you're seriously going to reconcile, then YOU NEED TO TAKE CHARGE.

 

I'm serious...and I've been through this. My wife had an emotional affair six years ago (almost seven now). Our marriage is happily recovered.

 

So I'm speaking from experience from what I've been through at least, plus six years of posting advice/reading stories here on LS and a couple of similar sites.

 

I get that she doesn't want to talk to him.

 

BUT...that's setting the stage up for her to go back to him at some point...whether she's doing it 'intentionally' or not.

 

You need to INSIST that she send him an email/phone call with you present...something...that CLEARLY ENDS THEIR AFFAIR. Telling him that it's over, telling him that she made the choice to reconcile her marriage with you, spelling it out unmistakeable so that there THERE IS NO GOING BACK.

 

She feels strong about it right now...but affairs are addictive...and it's entirely possible that she's going to struggle with this.

 

That's why she needs to send a letter establishing NC with him.

 

And then she needs to take active measures to prevent OM from contacting her. She needs to block him from her email/IM/phone/text/etc... She needs to remove him from her contact lists so she can't "accidentally" resume contact with him on her side.

 

AND...she needs to give you access to all these avenues of communication so that she can demonstrate to you that she is holding up her end of the bargain.

 

INSIST ON IT.

 

Anything less is going to result in you being hurt again man....I garauntee it!

 

She might not like this...but make it clear to her that you're not negotiating. Make it clear that you're fighting to save your marriage, and these steps are CRITICAL for that to happen...and if she can't/won't abide by them, that she needs to go ahead and move back out.

 

Seriously...

 

Also...try reading a couple of books..."Surviving an Affair" by Harley is a good place to start.

[Surfer203]

What_Next: Should I show her my thread? Did I say anything ridiculous or extremely hurtful? Probably did..haha. Maybe she needs to see that. I will PM you.. I appreciate the help and advice.

[Donewrong]

Surfer..Congrats! I am extremely happy for you. It is going to be one hell of a ride for you both. I know you love her very much. If she truely loves you and is willing to stick by you when you need her..it will all work out.

I am happy that you are able to forgive her and let her back into your life.

 

We all sometimes take a wrong path through life in one way or another - it's really the final path that we end up on is the most important as well as the people that you have around you to support you. If this is the path that you both have chosen, to forgive and move forward with her, I am happy for you.

 

It is amazing for a miracle to come by during this time of year. I wish you both all the best and a wonderful Christmas together!

 

Best of luck and lots of prayers to you and your wife!

[Surfer203]

Owl.. again - thanks for the good advice. I will establish some rules tonight. It has to happen, she knows it won't always be rainbows and sunshine. Although last night was really emotional, there will be some hard times. The rules you stated are no brainers. You know, she even said "I made some new friends in the city and I will understand if you don't want me to communicate with them ever again - it is your call" - that means a lot to me.

[Darth Vader]

Surfer.... This is wonderful news! I'm sure there are a lot of people on this site that will disagree, but I TRULY believe that experiences like these CAN and DO change some people.

 

Be patient with her and be patient with yourself. You both will and probably are experiencing a lot of painful emotions. If you both are 100% honest with your fears, worries and goals, your marriage will come out of this stronger and better than ever. I truly believe it!

 

Be cautiously optimistic though. She needs to do the work right now... she needs to prove to you how much she loves you, how she is working on earning your trust back and regrets the mistake that she made. Take it slow, but congratulations on swallowing your pride and making an effort. I'm sure it was and still is a tough decision.

 

Ah.... I love that you and What_Next are trying to reconcile! It's AWESOME to see people try to make it work, even in such adversity!

 

 

Surfer, this above is coming from a cheater.

 

Anyway, You realize that your wife probably found out somehow through friends, or a friend of a friend who saw or overheard something about you Divorcing her! Expect this to be nothing more than a ploy cooked up by her and her OM, perhaps to get your house, your finances, everything! YOU CAN'T TRUST THIS LOUSY WOMAN! She ain't NO GOOD! No one just snaps out of it like your wife apparently just did! I smell something really bad going on! Divorce her ass! Divorce her ass, and well, even if later on in life you two wish to try again, well, ok, but you got to lose this woman for yourself, NOW! She's facing NO CONSEQUENCES FOR HER ACTIONS!

[Surfer203]

Donewrong: Many thanks - I am really hoping for the best, but expecting a really bumpy ride. It is a mixed blessing for the holiday season really, I am happy to have her back but am worried about her interacting with family and how we will spend the holdays.. I guess it is a minor detail. I am going to talk to your husband and get some advice. Kind of him to offer that to me.

 

Darth: I completely understand your view point.. and up until Sunday that was going to be the outcome. I still have the divorce papers, believe me - they are not going anywhere. This is not a done deal by any means. I am not worried about the OM - I really think that she is done with him. Now it is time to enforce some of this.

[karnak]

She didn't tell the OM - she just left. He is apparently quite a piece of s*** from what she tells me. She was realizing how good she had it and how great I was and then the guy started changing - so that solidified her choice.

 

Very huge red flag here. Please, be careful.

[Darth Vader]

Donewrong: Many thanks - I am really hoping for the best, but expecting a really bumpy ride. It is a mixed blessing for the holiday season really, I am happy to have her back but am worried about her interacting with family and how we will spend the holdays.. I guess it is a minor detail. I am going to talk to your husband and get some advice. Kind of him to offer that to me.

 

Darth: I completely understand your view point.. and up until Sunday that was going to be the outcome. I still have the divorce papers, believe me - they are not going anywhere. This is not a done deal by any means. I am not worried about the OM - I really think that she is done with him. Now it is time to enforce some of this.

 

 

My GOD, MAN! I don't want you back here in 6 months to a year saying how I was right about dropping her ass! How she took you for everything you had, and then some! I want you to think about how she dropped her job and you had to end up doing not only your job, but hers! Man, she's going to do this again, I can almost gurantee it! I've seen it before here on LS, I'll see it again! DON'T SHOW HER THESE POSTS AND THREADS, THIS IS YOUR SITE, YOUR PLACE! aND DON'T SLEEP WITH HER! She may have STD's, she may be pregnant by her OM too! Don't stay WITH HER WHATEVER YOU DO!

[Surfer203]

Sleeping with her is not happening until she gets an HIV and STD testing done. I am not f****** around with my health. No amount of sex is worth that.

 

Guys, I will be careful. I am the boss now - I am in charge. If she goes again, it won't hurt nearly as much and I am preparing for this to fail.

[Doing it Since '78]

Surfer I was with you through out your ride, but I'm getting off now bro-

 

I think you would have done anything to have her back, and I think you more than likley "leaked" the info about the divorce to one of her friends, for it to get back to her-

 

She know understands, that you will allow her to have unprotected sex with some joker she just met, and if it all fails, she can just come home-

She has zero respect for you, and you will continue to be a cuckold- Why would she even suggest remaining cool with toxic friends who encouraged her to cheat on you, and who says it was just him she banged out? Her? She is a conirfmed liar, COME ON SON!

 

Your self esteem has taken a seriuos blow, recover that, along with some blood flow to your gonads, then decide whether or not you want to be bothered, with a wh0re of a wife, who has no problem flaunting, and bragging about her stud lover on FB, I bet you dollars to donuts Ol' Boy put her lowlife, deadbeat a$$ out, and there you were, Captain Save a H0 to the rescue

 

THIS WILL NOT END NICELY BRO-Sorry champ

[Darth Vader]

Sleeping with her is not happening until she gets an HIV and STD testing done. I am not f****** around with my health. No amount of sex is worth that.

 

Guys, I will be careful. I am the boss now - I am in charge. If she goes again, it won't hurt nearly as much and I am preparing for this to fail.

 

 

That'll be at least 6 months to a year before you have a good idea if she has something or not. She denied you sex all this time, and even when you're back together you still can't have any sex, um, quite pathetic, isn't it, huh? How much debt has she incurred in your name, or how much debt will she incurr while you two are back together?

 

She should get rid of anything and everything she had worn for her OM, brought to his place, perfume, panties, clothing, buddy, I MEAN EVERYTHING, including any gifts he got for her! You're gonna have massive triggers, and images of them together for the rest of your life! Is it really worth it? You shouldn't be sentenced to a life like that, or sentence yourself to a life like that, it's not fair to you!

 

You're better than that, you deserve better than her!

Edited December 13, 2010 by Darth Vader

[Surfer203]

Guys, I hear you. I am going to be very cautious. Trust me.. I am not going to f*** around this time. I told her how I have changed since she has been gone and that I plan on living my life the same way forever. I will not back down and I will not be made a fool of again. Things will change and if they don't she can kiss it goodbye.

[Darth Vader]

Surfer I was with you through out your ride, but I'm getting off now bro-

 

I think you would have done anything to have her back, and I think you more than likley "leaked" the info about the divorce to one of her friends, for it to get back to her-

 

She know understands, that you will allow her to have unprotected sex with some joker she just met, and if it all fails, she can just come home-

She has zero respect for you, and you will continue to be a cuckold- Why would she even suggest remaining cool with toxic friends who encouraged her to cheat on you, and who says it was just him she banged out? Her? She is a conirfmed liar, COME ON SON!

 

Your self esteem has taken a seriuos blow, recover that, along with some blood flow to your gonads, then decide whether or not you want to be bothered, with a wh0re of a wife, who has no problem flaunting, and bragging about her stud lover on FB, I bet you dollars to donuts Ol' Boy put her lowlife, deadbeat a$$ out, and there you were, Captain Save a H0 to the rescue

 

THIS WILL NOT END NICELY BRO-Sorry champ

 

 

Surfer, I want you to read this 5,000 times! She has NO RESPECT FOR YOU!

[Darth Vader]

Guys, I hear you. I am going to be very cautious. Trust me.. I am not going to f*** around this time. I told her how I have changed since she has been gone and that I plan on living my life the same way forever. I will not back down and I will not be made a fool of again. Things will change and if they don't she can kiss it goodbye.

 

 

She's not facing any consequences! "You'll be SORRY"!

 

BTW, remember, she's already had Legal Counsel! I know that your wife knows exactly what she's doing!

 

I still say Divorce her!

[iheartboobs]

Chillax some, darth.

 

I don't agree with it either... hell, I think going back to your cheater is about the stupidest thing a person can do. I can't see how anyone besides a desperate masochist with low self-esteem would even consider it. I believe that a cheater will cheat again sooner or later, especially if there were no long-term consequences to their earlier affair.

 

...but it ain't my life, it ain't my wife, and this isn't my call to make. It isn't yours either. Maybe this is a huge mistake, and if it is, Surfer will (hopefully) learn from it... or maybe, possibly, we're both wrong and this is his chance for happiness. I certainly don't believe that, but it is possible.

 

Either way, he's made his choice and there's nothing you can do about it, so quit browbeating him over it.

[Doing it Since '78]

Guys, I hear you. I am going to be very cautious. Trust me.. I am not going to f*** around this time. I told her how I have changed since she has been gone and that I plan on living my life the same way forever. I will not back down and I will not be made a fool of again. Things will change and if they don't she can kiss it goodbye.

 

Bro,

 

YOU ARE BEING PLAYED! She does not give two $hits about what you "MAY" do, you didnt follow up last time, you not only opened the door, but you picked her up, helped her get her stuff, and willingly moved her back in- You gave her the first class treatment for being a third rate smut-

 

 

Darth is right, you rewarded her negative behavior, after her cleavland steaming you over and over, yet just like a whipped puppy with his spirit broken, mahood shattered, and gonads severed from his torso allowed the demon back in for more A$$ kicking-

 

But Good luck anyway bro-

[ghorfrusty]

Hi Iam new here but had closely followed your story...... It is advisable that you delay having kids at this point just dont rush into having them ....