How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[Owl]

OK guys...I agree that she needs to "learn" from what's happened.

 

She does indeed need to "suffer some consequences" in order for this to work out and give their marriage a chance to reconcile.

 

Those consequences are primarily going to be around rebuilding the marriage and fixing all the damage she's done with her actions. They're going to be around having to learn how to change and have a HEALTHY relationship with Surfer.

 

And I'll agree that what Surfer is doing by taking her back at this point IS A CALCULATED RISK.

 

And Surfer...you need to realize that the odds are against a successful recovery.

 

I got lucky, I beat the odds. You may, or you may not.

 

Only Sufer can decide if she's worth the risk. If their marriage can recover from this, or if it's better to move on.

 

I had all the same kinds of of advice that you're giving Surfer in my own situation. Tons of friends and family calling me an idiot for giving her another chance.

 

In my case...they were wrong, I was right. I knew far more about the situation than they did. And I KNEW I was taking a calculated risk when I decided to try to reconcile.

 

From my view, it's his choice to give her another chance or not. He's choosing to do so...as long as he understands that he's taking that risk, understands the odds and what needs to be involved to give him the best possible chance, I'll give him every bit of advice I can to try to help him succeed in his new goal.

 

Surfer- Hang in there friend. Consider what they're saying about 'consequences'...it's a valid concern. People change for one of two reasons...and what you need to ask yourself is what is motivating her change. People change to get away from something that they don't like, or to get closer to something they do like.

 

In her case, what prompted her choice to reconcile?

 

What can you do to help her prevent this from ever happening again?

 

Feel free to PM me if you need/want some specific advice man.

[Darth Vader]

Chillax some, darth.

 

I don't agree with it either... hell, I think going back to your cheater is about the stupidest thing a person can do. I can't see how anyone besides a desperate masochist with low self-esteem would even consider it. I believe that a cheater will cheat again sooner or later, especially if there were no long-term consequences to their earlier affair.

 

...but it ain't my life, it ain't my wife, and this isn't my call to make. It isn't yours either. Maybe this is a huge mistake, and if it is, Surfer will (hopefully) learn from it... or maybe, possibly, we're both wrong and this is his chance for happiness. I certainly don't believe that, but it is possible.

 

Either way, he's made his choice and there's nothing you can do about it, so quit browbeating him over it.

 

 

True, I just don't want him to get screwed over, you know that though!

[What_Next]

Surfer, FWIW I don't necessarily dis-agree with your choice. In fact I have little impact either way. However, I do caution you. One of the more important aspects to focus on is whether or not she is aware of what she has done. Also whether or not she is willing to accept any and ALL consquences of her actions.

 

Donewrong thus far HAS realized the severe consequences of her actions. She HAS shown through actions and not only words that she is willing to go down that hard road. Is your wife?

 

Like Owl I took that calculated risk, I did. It was MY choice. I didn't care what my family, my friends, hell even my own child said. Because 25 years from now on that porch in a rocking chair it could be only the 2 of us. Now that being said, I did move out, I did face it on my own, I did even make the mistake of involving other women (you WILL thank yourself for that and if I helped you avoid that then I take some solice in it).

 

Your emotions are running high, but remember to use your head and make clear and informed decisions.

 

Also even though Darth might appear to be harping on you, he just wants the best for you and he is giving you the benefit of his experience, no different than I am.

[slowbutSURE]

Surfer, I really, truly hope this works out for you. Be cautious and vigilant. There is a tremendous amount of trust to be restored and your wife's actions will let you know the amount of effort she is willing to put in.

I have been in your shoes somewhat and mine only did enough work to skate by. God be careful!

Watch what she does, more than what she says!

You don't need to be a di*k and drive her away but do not compromise on what you know is unacceptable behavior.

There is good reason why he is often referred to as, "Wise old Owl" and its not a reference to his age. Read and follow carefully his advice, along with others and make your best informed decision.

Best of luck to you and your wife!

[Surfer203]

Everyone - thanks so much - I really appreciate the consideration and advice! Believe me - I am bracing myself for God knows what. I have some level of hope again though. I do understand Darth's apprehensions and fear. I feel them too - I have just decided to act on the feelings that are underlying and are unlikely to go away - it is hard to deny those feelings.

 

You all can beat me up if you want, I can take it.

[sotagoon]

Surfer....if you have some time and want to read my posts..go ahead.

 

I have been in your shoes 3 times with the same woman and I have finally found some NUTS to make it go away.....or at least control what I do.

 

I hope for your sake, you get what you SOOOOOOOOO want! I know...I wanted it too.

 

Add the fact that she got cancer and let me be the rock through it all while she had the OM visiting the hospital during the day, while I was out slaving away to hold our life together and then let me stay EVERY NIGHT in the hospital for 4 months only to have him there again the next day when I wasn't.........GET A CLUE!

 

I WISH I LISTENED.

 

It has now been just over a year since she left me for the 3RD time...YEAH...3 Times!!!!!!!!...I'm a FUDGING IDIOT!

 

ANyway....be great to yourself and don't look back!

 

I can't tell you how much I hope you listen....and do it for yourself.

 

I thought that the love of my life would always be there and that I couldn;t even look at another woman...guess what...not true.

 

I have a GF of 2 months now....going slow...enjoying the fact that we give to each other back and forth,....and guess what??....GIVING in a relationship is what feels good!!!!!!

 

WHAT HAS SHE GIVEN YOU???????????????????????

 

Heartache

Worry

Lies

and possibly more of the same in time!

 

I'm gonna take my chance with someone who hasn't done me wrong yet!..I'd say better odds!

 

Good Luck MAN!!!!!....You're gonna need all you can get.

[Surfer203]

Every situation is different, every person is different. I am not on this board to defend her. I was here to tell my story and heal a bit. I succeeded in both of those objectives. If I get burned again it will NEVER happen again. Second chance is all she gets, this is not a three strikes your out scenario.

[Steadfast]

I can't speak for anyone else, but I have no desire to beat on you. I wish I was wrong, but you have allowed this woman to do far more harm to you than anyone can do here with words. Simply put, you aren't very smart.

 

Hear this: If she loved you, really loved you, she would not move back in. Your desire to have her back overshadows her actions and your own ability to make wise decisions. Truly, if she loved you, or because of this affair discovered how much she loves you, then out of respect for you and your marriage she would move towards reconciliation slowly and with great deliberation. She is not, and you are so worried about keeping her away from her lover that you'll do (or in this case, allow) almost anything to happen. What you fail to realize is, although this person is pond scum he very well might have been doing you the biggest favor of your life.

 

Since your original post you have not taken even 25% of the advice offered to you. This makes me 100% positive that after reading this you'll type yet another patronizing response then go back to flying by the seat of your pants. This is not a test of wills surfer (for me, anyway) nor is it a popularity contest. The people here have lived it. It is an advice forum.

 

My advice is: live separately (spare the line about tight finances please) and begin intense personal and couples counseling. Skip the pros and seek out a non-denominational pastor or member of the clergy. Then and only then, when the fires have cooled and the relationship is exposed will you truly know if it is worth saving. Presently, she is not to be trusted.

 

Most of us here advocate marriage and its restoration. The path you and your wife are on has and will fail. Mix love, common sense and patience.

 

Good luck surfer. You will need it.

Edited December 13, 2010 by Steadfast

[slowbutSURE]

No one is here to beat you up. (I think) The main concern I have is for you is not to make the same mistakes I did. I convinced myself to believe my heart/emotions and not what my eyes were showing me. It was a mistake I made over and over which caused myself and my daughters a lot of pain.

We are still in pain, but now there is clarity of mind and a path to follow. Before there were just promises made and not followed through with. STBXW kept saying she is trying and give her more time. So I did. And did. And did. All it did was buy her more time to BS me. It is an ugly cycle of emotional torture that I hope does not repeat itself with you.

No beating up on you. The only person I beat up is myself, for not ending this rollercoaster of hell sooner!

Be careful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[hopesndreams]

Feels good for the pain and suffering to end eh? Only the one that inflicts the pain can take it away. It most likely will be temporary relief though so enjoy it while it lasts. Hysterical bonding is awesome!! Once that high leaves, what's left? Reliving the pain & agony she caused, day in, day out, on the hour, etc, etc.

 

Your W has certainly showed her true character throughout all this and you chose to ignore it. Quite acceptable that she didn't even let OM know she was leaving? Are you out of your cotton picking mind!?!

 

Do get IC surfer. Figure out the whys and wherefores you don't value yourself. With knowledge and wisdom, you will be better able to understand what to do the next time your W has an itch.

[starting2wakeup]

Surfer203, I have followed your thread for awhile now. I've felt your pain and admired your strength, and while I wish you nothing but happiness, Darth Vader has a point. A lot of very valid points. He, and so many others here are only looking out for your best interests. At the end of the day you live your own life and make your own choices but remember, D. Vader, PegNosePete, iheartboobs, etc, they don't have to be here. They take time out of their day, log onto to LS and try to help those who are dealing with situations that they have experienced themselves.

 

I'll say that again, they speak from experience. They, and so many like them, are why I joined LS. I was confused when my wife left. Heartbroken. I wanted support and I wanted to hear the stories of those who could relate to my pain and learn from their experience.

 

Re-read your thread. Remember how you were treated. Remember the strength you were able to grow with in yourself. Hold on to that. If she loves you, great. If she wants you back, fantastic, but do not back slide to the way things were. Stay Strong and be cautious because you have ever reason to be.

 

The definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over and expecting different results. Do not fall back on old behavior.

 

All the best.

[Surfer203]

Thanks all.. I will not allow us to go back to the place we were in. I know a lot has changed and she knows it too. If things don't work out then fine. But, both she and I want to be together presently. So, let's see where it goes. She can't really hurt me more than she already has emotionally. That was huge and I persevered. I will make it out on the other side - a woman will not determine where my life is going and how happy I can be. I won't allow it - if it comes to that she can kiss it goodbye. Thanks again - you are all good hearted people except for Darth who clearly has been forever tainted by the dark side. Off to therapy now.. lots to talk about tonight!

[FreeNow]

I will not allow us to go back to the place we were in.

 

I sincerely hope you don't begin weeping some "we were both to blame" drivel! Both of you didn't 'allow' things to go where they did. She decided her actions. She can decide to do it all over again and there isn't a thing you can do to stop her. You are deluding yourself with a sense of false power with this "I will not allow us..."

 

She can't really hurt me more than she already has emotionally.

 

What you've experienced was only the tip of the pain iceberg's potential. Much more lies below the waterline. Wretched anguish... the stuff of which nightmares are made and by which many a man was destroyed.

 

Many are expressing wise words to you and I couldn't have said it better than Steadfast.

 

 

Remember:

"The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty."

[slowbutSURE]

Surfer. I am going to respectfully disagree with two things you recently posted.

 

" She can't really hurt me more than she already has emotionally"

Yes she can! Hopefully she won't, but if history starts to repeat itself, trust me, it hurts like a MF! And when you do emerge on the other side, I think you will agree.

 

Darth being on the dark side? I don't think so, really do not. Check his responses in addition to Dexter Morgan. Both are blunt as hell to say the least. But they both speak the truth. Tough Love?

 

Good luck with counseling, both of you? You have a tough uphill climb that will test your strength and tenacity. It is said," what doesn't kill you will make you stronger".

 

I will pour a drink and toast to your strength!

[michaelhopes]

There is one fact that you have to realize.....

She came back because her relationship with model boy didnt work out.

If it had worked out with model boy OR if there was another model boy ready to take her in OR if it wasnt for the fact that she was destitute she would still be long gone.

I'll even take it as far as this...She wouldnt care if you were alive or dead.

Women are experts at turning on the water works and making you doubt reality.

 

"God have mercy on the man that doubts what he's sure of..."

-Bruce Springsteen

[UnsureinSeattle]

Surfer, please be careful. OF COURSE she can still hurt you. You need to be on guard, now more than ever.

 

Are you certain this is the right path? I understand (all too well) how it is to get back together with someone because it's familiar and (seemingly) safe- you can't just assume this has all been fixed behind the scenes.

[Ballerfamily]

Sleeping with her is not happening until she gets an HIV and STD testing done. I am not f****** around with my health. No amount of sex is worth that.

 

Guys, I will be careful. I am the boss now - I am in charge. If she goes again, it won't hurt nearly as much and I am preparing for this to fail.

 

 

And it will with this attitude. Welcome to a world of wondering what she is doing, who she is with, did she really or not. She wants a sugar daddy to get her plan of attack together. You rushed her, you got D papers ready, you didnt give her time to attack. She wants what she couldnt have. Your a doormat, and she just wiped her feet on you again.

 

Good Luck man. Wouldnt wanna be you though. Welcome to a F ed up life for the next couple of years. I went through this 4 times. It doesnt change very often. And btw, good luck having a good christmas if she decides not to go. (if she doesnt, your being played. That you can count on) if she had true remorse, she wouldnt care what they thought.

[2010_Sorry]

I am really saddened by the amount of negativity on this website. Surfer is trying to reconcile his marriage, he and his wife are restoring commitment to each other (and possibly God, depending on where and how they got married!). This is a glorious thing!

 

YES! He could be hurt again... but what a great man he is to recognize that he still loves this woman and is willing to forgive her! Only He knows her heart, so we cannot sit on our laptops millions of miles away in judgement of her, just because some of us have been burned.

 

Surfer... you said that "I am preparing for this to fail"... I know it goes against every grain in you, but that is going to be a difficult attitude to conquer. This is going to take a lot of work from both of you.... her for earning your trust back, and you for believing in her. You have to be as positive as possible... I know it's hard. I don't know if you two are religious... but I am... and I will be praying for you both.

[Ballerfamily]

[/b]

 

 

And it will with this attitude. Welcome to a world of wondering what she is doing, who she is with, did she really or not. She wants a sugar daddy to get her plan of attack together. You rushed her, you got D papers ready, you didnt give her time to attack. She wants what she couldnt have. Your a doormat, and she just wiped her feet on you again.

 

Good Luck man. Wouldnt wanna be you though. Welcome to a F ed up life for the next couple of years. I went through this 4 times. It doesnt change very often. And btw, good luck having a good christmas if she decides not to go. (if she doesnt, your being played. That you can count on) if she had true remorse, she wouldnt care what they thought.

 

and now would be a good time to reread the post on here that explains the difference between guilt and remorse. You will see her true intentions.

 

Sadly to say, you are more messed up then her. She is in total control. She is probally laughing at you within her soul. Carhill is right. Enjoy it for a brief time, and if you do couples counseling instead of individal counceling, you will want to shoot yourself. She is messed up, broken woman. It will take time.

You are in a no win situation. She is not ready for your demands unless she is truly remorseful. You will drive her crazy. She knows how to manipulate and pacify you. I was the KING. I know what I speak. Your in for a world of hurt. You think you have felt pain, think again.

 

ONE LAST TIME FRIEND, WOMAN DO NOT MOVE OUT UNLESS THEY ARE PRACTICALLY GONE. THIS DID NOT HAPPEN OVER NIGHT. HER OM IS PROBALLY AN A$$. MOST OM'S ARE,LOL. SHE IS GETTING HER **** TOGETHER. SHE NOW KNOWS WHAT YOU MAY DO NOW. YOU HAVE GIVEN AWAY YOUR CARDS. AND SHE ALSO KNOWS YOUR A PUPPY.SORRY. I WAS THERE. YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG. THINK AGAIN. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. BUT GOOD LUCK

[Ballerfamily]

i am really saddened by the amount of negativity on this website. Surfer is trying to reconcile his marriage, he and his wife are restoring commitment to each other (and possibly god, depending on where and how they got married!). This is a glorious thing!

 

Yes! He could be hurt again... But what a great man he is to recognize that he still loves this woman and is willing to forgive her! Only he knows her heart, so we cannot sit on our laptops millions of miles away in judgement of her, just because some of us have been burned.

 

Surfer... You said that "i am preparing for this to fail"... I know it goes against every grain in you, but that is going to be a difficult attitude to conquer. This is going to take a lot of work from both of you.... Her for earning your trust back, and you for believing in her. You have to be as positive as possible... I know it's hard. I don't know if you two are religious... But i am... And i will be praying for you both.

 

and i loved my ex more then anything, and still do. But she doesn't me. She has to prove it. Thats the jist were trying to share. They need to live apart for awhile. She needs to resist temptation for awhile. She needs to get her life back on track. Then come f__k my lights out, maybe.

[Steadfast]

I am really saddened by the amount of negativity on this website.

 

I can only speak for myself when I say I'm not being negative, but it simply does not work the way the OP described. I'm glad you're religious and prayerful, but for goodness sake you're stereotyping the holy angle! No one (especially Christians) should lay down like sheep. Bad advice friend; rethink your position. Real love stands up and demands what is right.

 

Book author Michelle Langley describes infidelity as a social disease, and I agree. History shows cheating as anything but new, but the practice is growing with more than half of all marriages ending in divorce. The solution won't come overnight but when people stop excusing selfishness, entitlement and cruelty as a mistake (instead of real decisions) that's be a start. Good people tend to come from good parents; two of them. Strong people with integrity that know right from wrong and teach it as a wise choice...not a forced decision with guilt as motivation. Best case scenario.

 

This is, overall, a very good bunch here. No one enjoys failure.

[2010_Sorry]

You're absolutely right! I just think that the divorce rate is increasing at an incredible level because people don't understand committment. I completely agree that we should all stand up for what is right, but we should all understand the importance of forgiveness and faith in positive thinking. Without that, we are all hardened and unable to enjoy our lives to the fullest. For better or worse....

[Eye of Hourus]

But prepare for rain.

 

Good to see you have insisted on STD screening..... I would also insist on a pregnancy test!!!!

 

You need to make her understand that she needs to do the heavy lifting in repairing the damage done.

 

You will need to insist on complete transparency get all passwords to all forms of communication, possibly key loggers for computer and smart phones.

 

If all of this sounds daunting don't worry..... it is.

 

A question.... How would you describe her attitude at the moment ?

 

Another....What is she doing to make you feel safe?

 

I really hope things work out however I have my fears they may not....

Protect your heart

 

The Eye

 

Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less ~Rabbi Julius Gordon

[lkjh]

Surfer, This is gonna sound cruel but you are acting like an idiot. You do not learn. Last time it was "if she gets back from her parents house without an answer its over", then it was "I am moving on and divorcing", and now its yay my wife moved out banged another guy for month, he most likely dumped her so she came back, and now I let her come back with no consequences.

 

 

You need to become a man in this one. Talking about MMA does not make you hard. Your wife needs work for you. Do not let her move back in, separate and make her work for you.

[lkjh]

2010,

if what the other posters said is correct you are a cheater, so your advice is from the perspective of someone who wants to see the cheater come out ahead. That is why everyone else seems negative. In reality they are right