How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[controlledchaos]

good luck tonight!! just be honest and proactive.

 

as for the keylogging/ spying stuff. again, my situation is different, as mine isn't doing this because he loves me and wants to work things out. but, my H did download all of this stuff onto my computer and phone. as well as set up audio and visual surveillence in my house.

 

the first time he did it was after he told me he didn't love me and to take the kids and leave. every time he'd crash my computer with viruses from the keyloggers he'd install something new and "better". so it moved from just a keylogger, to keylogger and screen shots every 5 minutes. then after that crash, he installed a remote view thing were he could have access to my laptop screen from his screen 24/7. i knew he was doing this, not because he would TELL me he had, but because of comments he'd make. i'd be chatting with someone and HE'D respond to something....... the remote view lasted from june til dec. of last year when it sucked the memory of my laptop dry.

 

after he moved out he somehow got back into my new laptop. i still don't know HOW he's doing it now. i did find the video camera in my bedroom and the audio surveillence in my family room and living room. he had spy stuff on my cell phone as well. so i got a new phone. and though i'm not sure i THINK it's spy free....... i don't really know. now, he's somehow listening in at the house, in a way i cannot find. he likes to text me about conversations i am having with my kids. or text me after i do something, like buy tickets to mt vernon, on my computer. so, even over 1.5 yrs later he is still spying. he can't seem to stop. i'm used to it now. i don't like it, but i'm used to it. like right now, i'm sure he's reading everything i'm typing.

 

my point?? i think that once you open that door it can be hard to close for some people. where will you stop? when will you stop? what if you don't find anything? will you spy more? harder? will the spying help you feel more secure? or will you feel like you need to look at everything all the time? i guess just really think about it before you make a choice. other options are YOU password protecting things like email, computer, etc. so that she cannot have access unless you let her. and then that give you complete access. as for things like facebook. apparently multiple people can sign into your acct at one time. so, you could password protect her acct and then sign into it and see what she's doing without something like keylogger. for the phone. get rid of texting or get her a phone that she cannot text with vs. down loading a spy program. just some thoughts if you want to monitor but don't want to start the keylogger thing.........

 

again, good luck tonight!

[Owl]

Controlledchaos...if you're seperated, and he's no longer living with you and spying on you in the manner you've described, you need to get to the police, ASAP.

 

What he's doing is scarey...and illegal.

 

That's a completely different kind of critter than what Surfer is considering or what I did.

 

You seriously should contact the police, tell them what all has gone on...and should consider having the police or a P.I. with a good background in electronic surveillance come in and inspect your house, your computer, etc...

 

There's no reason why anyone should live like that.

 

Surfer...sorry for the T/J. And good luck with MC tonight!

[controlledchaos]

oh i know it's illegal. i've been to the police already. and i've had the house swept ( but this was months ago and he has weekly access to the house). the kids and i are finally moving out too. that's why i said my situation is different. though i think he'd disagree. he started because he thought i was being unfaithful and wanted to catch me doing something. i'm not sure even he realized he wouldn't be able to stop once he started. one thing just morphed into another.

 

that was why i wrote that out. just food for thought. if you start where will you stop and for how long will you do this? when will you trust enough to stop?

 

not saying ANY of you will act like this :-) i know it's not normal and healthy. i guess i was just thinking it might be good to have an end date in mind before you start maybe? or a game plan? but i could be TOTALLY off base with that idea too.

 

i hope things went well tonight!!

[Darth Vader]

Thanks all. Some updates.. our therapist moved our appointment to tonight so.. nothing to update there yet.

 

Whyguy: I hear you fully.. I have set forth the same rules basically and will stick to them, I also will leave or ask her to leave if things are not going well.

 

The Eye: She actually apologized last night for brining up going out with her girlfriend this weekend. She said she was sorry for being insensitive and knows that she has to respect my wishes and will do whatever I want her to do in terms of contacting/hanging out with her friends.

 

lkjh: The OM did contact her, after she left he kept calling and emailing. After she did not respond to him he stopped after the first day. He did threaten her. I told her to keep that email in case anything ever comes up in a legal sense.

 

 

The part bolded above, Surfer, SHE Leaves, not you! She cheated, she leaves! Got it?!

[Darth Vader]

good luck tonight!! just be honest and proactive.

 

as for the keylogging/ spying stuff. again, my situation is different, as mine isn't doing this because he loves me and wants to work things out. but, my H did download all of this stuff onto my computer and phone. as well as set up audio and visual surveillence in my house.

 

the first time he did it was after he told me he didn't love me and to take the kids and leave. every time he'd crash my computer with viruses from the keyloggers he'd install something new and "better". so it moved from just a keylogger, to keylogger and screen shots every 5 minutes. then after that crash, he installed a remote view thing were he could have access to my laptop screen from his screen 24/7. i knew he was doing this, not because he would TELL me he had, but because of comments he'd make. i'd be chatting with someone and HE'D respond to something....... the remote view lasted from june til dec. of last year when it sucked the memory of my laptop dry.

 

after he moved out he somehow got back into my new laptop. i still don't know HOW he's doing it now. i did find the video camera in my bedroom and the audio surveillence in my family room and living room. he had spy stuff on my cell phone as well. so i got a new phone. and though i'm not sure i THINK it's spy free....... i don't really know. now, he's somehow listening in at the house, in a way i cannot find. he likes to text me about conversations i am having with my kids. or text me after i do something, like buy tickets to mt vernon, on my computer. so, even over 1.5 yrs later he is still spying. he can't seem to stop. i'm used to it now. i don't like it, but i'm used to it. like right now, i'm sure he's reading everything i'm typing.

 

my point?? i think that once you open that door it can be hard to close for some people. where will you stop? when will you stop? what if you don't find anything? will you spy more? harder? will the spying help you feel more secure? or will you feel like you need to look at everything all the time? i guess just really think about it before you make a choice. other options are YOU password protecting things like email, computer, etc. so that she cannot have access unless you let her. and then that give you complete access. as for things like facebook. apparently multiple people can sign into your acct at one time. so, you could password protect her acct and then sign into it and see what she's doing without something like keylogger. for the phone. get rid of texting or get her a phone that she cannot text with vs. down loading a spy program. just some thoughts if you want to monitor but don't want to start the keylogger thing.........

 

again, good luck tonight!

 

That's Bizarre! Did you check the air vents? There's checking up on a spouse who has cheated, then there's this! This may have tempted you to go out and get some man and Ride him in the house (hubby would get it all on tape, I'm sure!) just to stick it to him for doing this to you! I don't suggest that you do this though, not good, besides, you deserve better than that! Lady, just Divorce this guy's ass!

[What_Next]

Sorry for the hijack Surfer, but controlledchaos, umm WOW! That is VERY wrong. VERY wrong. I'd NEVER EVER consider doing anything like that. That is bunny boiler behavior.

[michaelhopes]

Surfer....the main thing that you have to watch out for at this point is disrespect.

She already knows she can get away with cheating on you and you will take her back....You've tipped your hand....Her cards are mostly hidden.

Not saying be an arse..

Just saying once the respect goes...so will she....again

[Surfer203]

Well.. MC went fine. We were both very open and got some stuff out. No revelations of course, haha.. but the therapist recommended a few IC's for my wife. We have both made it known that we want things to work out and she is eager to get in to therapy and heal. She also feels that "just erasing it all" is not smart because she feels that what happened has really put our relationship and marriage into perspective. She sees things in a completely different light now after the potential of losing it all.

 

I know this will be a slow process but I am patient and willing to try.

 

As far as all the spying stuff goes - I don't think I wan to go down that path. It just sets up for paranoia and more worrying. If she is going to F*** up it will happen and I will realize it one way or another. No need to turn in to 007.

 

Darth: Of course.. SHE LEAVES - not me - if things go bad.

 

What is annoying to deal with currently is she is SAD because of what she did, keeps putting herself down. Which does not help and makes me feel bad as if things are not working out. I told her that it will take a great deal of time to forgive her and for her forgive herself. Time, time, time.

[slowbutSURE]

Surfer. Bravo!

Going to MC.

Wife agreeing to IC.

Wife demonstrating remorse.

All of these things to me indicate hope for you and your wife. Keep your eyes and ears wide open. I would guess the possibilty of a small setback might happen. I want to emphasize small! The two of you will be learning to communicate all over again, keep it in perspective. I am not a good one to advise on this matter, my situation never got that far but it makes sense to me.

2 cents? I wouldn't do the 007 stuff either, I really don' think you will need it. You will know if something's up!

Good luck man!! (your wife too)

[Surfer203]

slowutSURE: Thanks for the support! I have a good feling about this so far. I am sure set backs will/can happen. I am ready for this though. I agree.. 007 stuff not a great idea at this point - if I get suspicious I will in a second however. I appreciate your well wishes.

[sumdude]

slowutSURE: Thanks for the support! I have a good feling about this so far. I am sure set backs will/can happen. I am ready for this though. I agree.. 007 stuff not a great idea at this point - if I get suspicious I will in a second however. I appreciate your well wishes.

 

You might want to bring it up in your next MC session. See what her reaction is. Say "I don't feel the need to do this now but I want the option." If she's open to it that would be a good sign.

[controlledchaos]

surfer! i'm so glad things went well and that she appears remorseful and receptive to doing what needs to be done. i agree with the 007 stuff too. i mean, i get why some do it, i do. but, then again, there's the chance to go crazy from it. you can make her an open book without spy technology i think. stay strong!!

 

 

 

darth, it is. very bizarre. i was interested in making new friends, just to hang out with in the beginning. but about 6 mo into the separation i realized i just don't have it in me to meet anyone at all, male or female. i found that amazingly i trust NO ONE! imagine that! dealing with abuse and stalking and i don't trust people now........ geesh. anywho! so, yeah, he had set up the camera in the bedroom aimed at the bed and when i found it and confronted him he told me "it was just a matter of time before he found me f*cking someone in our bed." now mind you, by that point i hadn't had sex in almost a year, but i also hadn't been kissed ( like a real open mouth kiss with tongue) in 13 yrs. so, the chance of me having sex with ANYONE but myself in my bed was pretty low! he knew that because he was spying on me. there was talk of me having sex after the divorce was done and final, but i made it very clear i wasn't have sex with anyone til that time.

 

 

That's Bizarre! Did you check the air vents? There's checking up on a spouse who has cheated, then there's this! This may have tempted you to go out and get some man and Ride him in the house (hubby would get it all on tape, I'm sure!) just to stick it to him for doing this to you! I don't suggest that you do this though, not good, besides, you deserve better than that! Lady, just Divorce this guy's ass!

[Surfer203]

Not a bad idea.. I will bring it up at the next session. I will say exactly what you said and judge her reaction. Thanks for the support friends.

[What_Next]

Surfer, sounds like you are off to a good start.

 

I am going to say it because it needs to be said. Believe almost nothing of what you hear and little of what you see. Your wife proved she has the personality defects to allow her to cheat. Be careful not to be snowed by her again.

 

Allow her to show you that she has true remorse though, give her that chance.

 

As for keeping an eye on her. Well if she REALLY does want to atone there'll be no need to snoop. She will give you no reason to snoop, she will be open and her life will be transparent.

[Dexter Morgan]

Surfer, If things get really ugly you could always hint that adultery is a class B misdemeanor in NY

Section 255.17 Adultery A person is guilty of adultery when he engages in sexual intercourse with another person at a time when he/she has a living spouse, or the other person has a living spouse.

Adultery is a class B misdemeanor the penalty for which is up to three months in jail and a $500 fine.

 

damn, I wish this were the case in Illinois!

[Darth Vader]

surfer! i'm so glad things went well and that she appears remorseful and receptive to doing what needs to be done. i agree with the 007 stuff too. i mean, i get why some do it, i do. but, then again, there's the chance to go crazy from it. you can make her an open book without spy technology i think. stay strong!!

 

 

 

darth, it is. very bizarre. i was interested in making new friends, just to hang out with in the beginning. but about 6 mo into the separation i realized i just don't have it in me to meet anyone at all, male or female. i found that amazingly i trust NO ONE! imagine that! dealing with abuse and stalking and i don't trust people now........ geesh. anywho! so, yeah, he had set up the camera in the bedroom aimed at the bed and when i found it and confronted him he told me "it was just a matter of time before he found me f*cking someone in our bed." now mind you, by that point i hadn't had sex in almost a year, but i also hadn't been kissed ( like a real open mouth kiss with tongue) in 13 yrs. so, the chance of me having sex with ANYONE but myself in my bed was pretty low! he knew that because he was spying on me. there was talk of me having sex after the divorce was done and final, but i made it very clear i wasn't have sex with anyone til that time.

 

I took the liberty to read your Thread, Damn girl, you seem to attract all the NUTS! No insult intended though.... Some of the posters who posted, WOW!

 

Anyway, other than the uber snooping going on by your STBX-Hex, and I do mean HEX in your case! I would guess (because he's doing the accusing of you screwing around), that he's been screwing around on you. Something just doesn't add up when it come to your hubby! I mean, it's on a scary level, between obsession and a mental disorder, of what kind I have no idea!

 

No sex in almost a year? It's probably been longer since then, but, anyway, I can see why you don't trust anyone now, how can you?

 

I'd get a restraining order against him, I hope you have documented everything he's done (times and dates) where stuff was found, etc. He has no right to put you into some sort of prison!

 

If I were you, I'd have (not really, J/K) a neighborhood orgy in the house to really piss him off to no end, and if he came over, I'd answer the door wearing nothing but panties and I'd ask if he brought the booze to liven things up a bit(over the sounds of people orgasming inside)!:lmao:

 

Ok, seriously now, you need to get the HELL away from this man! He's no good, for you or your children!

[controlledchaos]

thanks, lol! no insult taken. believe me, that's not even half of the weirdness that is my life! there are some crazy freaky people in this world.

 

it's definitely not a fun situation. and it does have me on what i call "hermitness." i feel it's easier to NOT go out, NOT meet people, NOT put myself out there at all. i was trying til like july then i just said forget it. what's the point? so, yeah. i'm sexless ( i think i'm on like 19 months now) and socially inept. and who the hell would want to get involved with someone like me??? i swing between laughing over it and crying since i have no idea how to really deal with it. the counselor i was seeing kept talking about healthy relationships, and i was like, HUH?? no clue what one is, and i think it sounds way too hard to even try to find one, lol!!!!

 

HAHAHAHA on the orgy. oh jeez! he was pissed!! when i bought myself toys and got piercings after he moved out ( it had been almost a year without sex after all). he used to like how free spirited and uninhibited i was. he used to like that i wanted to try things. an orgy on my block would not even go over well much less inside the house.

 

but thanks for the laugh! and support!

 

sorry for the thread jack surfer :-)!! hope all is well in your home this evening!

 

I took the liberty to read your Thread, Damn girl, you seem to attract all the NUTS! No insult intended though.... Some of the posters who posted, WOW!

 

Anyway, other than the uber snooping going on by your STBX-Hex, and I do mean HEX in your case! I would guess (because he's doing the accusing of you screwing around), that he's been screwing around on you. Something just doesn't add up when it come to your hubby! I mean, it's on a scary level, between obsession and a mental disorder, of what kind I have no idea!

 

No sex in almost a year? It's probably been longer since then, but, anyway, I can see why you don't trust anyone now, how can you?

 

I'd get a restraining order against him, I hope you have documented everything he's done (times and dates) where stuff was found, etc. He has no right to put you into some sort of prison!

 

If I were you, I'd have (not really, J/K) a neighborhood orgy in the house to really piss him off to no end, and if he came over, I'd answer the door wearing nothing but panties and I'd ask if he brought the booze to liven things up a bit(over the sounds of people orgasming inside)!:lmao:

 

Ok, seriously now, you need to get the HELL away from this man! He's no good, for you or your children!

[Surfer203]

Well.. last night we got into a thing.. she kept putting down the suburbs (where we live) compared to NYC. Saying - "stuff closes so early here, in the city... blah blah blah) and she has been doing this from time to time. I finally snapped and said "if you like it so much then why are you here?!" also, I told her I don't want to hear about NYC or her NEW friends anymore. She understood why it hurt me to hear about them and promises to not mention anything until I am comfortable again.

 

She says she really is home because she wants things to work out with me. Still she does not know why she did what she did and that is unnerving.. hopefully IC can help her find what happened and how to not let it happen again.

 

Other than that.. we are doing okay, experiencing some bumps just as I expected but nothing major.

 

She is still scared to talk to my family. Whenever they call she ignores the phone. She needs to talk to them at her own pace, but with the holidays coming - I kind of think she should reach out to them earlier to break the ice.

[controlledchaos]

it's like she thinks she was on this mini vacation and you would want to hear how that place is so much better then your place. it would be one thing if you BOTH lived in NYC and then moved to CT together and she was venting the changes. but WOW! that's pretty cold i have to say!

[What_Next]

Umm that is straight up WRONG Surfer. Your reaction was dead on as well. Lay it out for her, let her know that you will NOT put up with that kind of crap. If my wife ever mentioned one single thing like that about her little trist then I'd likely toss her a$$ out.

 

I admire your positive attitude. Insist on that IC for her. She needs it.

 

Regarding the family, well thats a tough one, but sooner or later she is going to have to face up to it.

[wicar1]

Surfer,

 

All this attempts to reconcile.....

 

is the juice worth the squeeze?

[Darth Vader]

Well.. last night we got into a thing.. she kept putting down the suburbs (where we live) compared to NYC. Saying - "stuff closes so early here, in the city... blah blah blah) and she has been doing this from time to time. I finally snapped and said "if you like it so much then why are you here?!" also, I told her I don't want to hear about NYC or her NEW friends anymore. She understood why it hurt me to hear about them and promises to not mention anything until I am comfortable again.

 

She says she really is home because she wants things to work out with me. Still she does not know why she did what she did and that is unnerving.. hopefully IC can help her find what happened and how to not let it happen again.

 

Other than that.. we are doing okay, experiencing some bumps just as I expected but nothing major.

 

She is still scared to talk to my family. Whenever they call she ignores the phone. She needs to talk to them at her own pace, but with the holidays coming - I kind of think she should reach out to them earlier to break the ice.

 

The part bolded: Oh she knows alright, she doesn't want to say though! Chances are, all she wanted was a little strange! As far as your family's concerned, she doesn't want to hear it, or get it from them!

Edited December 18, 2010 by Darth Vader

[2themoon&back]

The part bolded: Oh she knows alright, she doesn't want to say though! Chances are, all she wanted was a little strange! As far as your family's concerned, she doesn't want to hear it, or get it from them!

 

I agree with all you say here DV…..

 

And I will add is this -----I think most all people do this for one reason and one reason only when it comes right down to it …. BECAUSE THEY WANTED TOO!!! (This is my reason for being involved with an MM not proud of it but the true reason)

 

Anything after that are just symptomatic issues to justify the choice.

 

Knowing this to be the true answer has to be the most painful part of this kind of situation, but if you can except that to be true, you can see your wife as she really is and maybe work from there.

 

Being aware she knowingly made a choice to betray you is a fact, what other reason could you need?

 

You must know you had nothing to do with it, nothing at all was your fault, and this too is fact!

 

Please take care of yourself and keep your “Life” jacket on … this ship may take water again and you need to be safe.

[Darth Vader]

I agree with all you say here DV…..

 

And I will add is this -----I think most all people do this for one reason and one reason only when it comes right down to it …. BECAUSE THEY WANTED TOO!!! (This is my reason for being involved with an MM not proud of it but the true reason)

 

Anything after that are just symptomatic issues to justify the choice.

 

Knowing this to be the true answer has to be the most painful part of this kind of situation, but if you can except that to be true, you can see your wife as she really is and maybe work from there.

 

Being aware she knowingly made a choice to betray you is a fact, what other reason could you need?

 

You must know you had nothing to do with it, nothing at all was your fault, and this too is fact!

 

Please take care of yourself and keep your “Life” jacket on … this ship may take water again and you need to be safe.

 

 

If that's the case, "because they wanted to" then you don't have a marriage. What would be the point? There would be no point, except perhaps to tie a man down! Oh, you think you could do it because you wanted to or because she got to do it to you? If you're a man, no you can't, because you're a man, and a woman will screw you over 10 ways! Don't believe me, just ask your wife, what would happen if I did this to you?! She'd drop you, that I promise you! What Hypocrisy! Now you know why I'm so adament that you drop her ass, Surfer!

 

Tothemoon, get to IC, for your own sake. You need to heal as well.

Edited December 19, 2010 by Darth Vader

[2themoon&back]

Surfer, the reason I am saying “because they wanted to”, is why does anyone do anything, except maybe in a situation of abuse where people do not make their own choices all the time and you were not abusing her to find someone to save her and she had plenty other choices.

 

I knew when I was no longer going to be faithful in my M I left my M before I started an A, now me and my exH have a decent relationship because of this and he thanks me for respecting him enough to leave first and not putting him through all the pain of infidelity.

 

My point is “if” there is another reason at all, then it is not her fault, ask people on LS, there is no justifiable reason for a spouse to commit adultery, and no it’s not her fault it was her choice.

 

And if she admits this to be true and that is all you want is the truth, then you can move on from there and figure out what brought her to that decision.

 

IMO, I do want your relationship to grow again, but that is really not possible because even though she looks like the person you “were” married to before the A, she no longer is, therefore, you must see her as she really is and decide if you want to start a new relationship with someone you don’t trust not someone you used to trust.

 

IMO, the relationship you had before the A, is over and a new one has to take its place and for a very good reason look how it ended up.

 

Very hard choices and none you would have chosen for yourself except now you have decided to stay and I think you should try if you feel she is still worthy of your love and respect, you owe that to yourself.

 

I wish you the very best of life and I hope you get all you want because if you can recover your M, then you have most defiantly earned it!

 

 

DV, I am in IC, I am very cynical I guess, I am having a very hard time finding any forgiveness for myself.